A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male Oh, how I wish there were a simple, logical, algorithmic formula to discern who we are most compatible with in matters of love. The little heuristic would be a goldmine proposition if it were reliable, valid, and portable. HSPs especially need assistance because we often are too trusting and too empathetic to be objective in finding the perfect match. It's hard to get to the core values of a person, know their heart, and trust they are right in a short time, leading to a deeper emotional commitment. Dating site bios are virtually worthless, as most people (and, yes, I've done this too) pad their life story to make them seem better than they are. Let's face it; it's a marketing ploy we all use. Because HSPs are tenderhearted people and often naïve about love, we are easily duped by potential amours that ultimately don't understand us or use and manipulate us. Although there is now a measure of the Capacity to Love, it is not something you would or should filter through every future date. Yet, the truth is there is no foolproof bullshit detector in love that you can carry like a Geiger counter to detect radioactivity in a potential partner. However, I have found that by creating my personal red flag questionnaire, I can at least hold the love interest through the light of my internal prism and get some measure of whether we might be compatible companions. This list is not comprehensive but might serve as a starting point in considering someone new. You can add to these or craft them more to your individual experience and liking. Question #1 – Can the person you are interested in say, "I'm sorry." (Emotional Maturity) Admitting guilt when making mistakes is a "big" adult thing. It signifies emotional maturity and signals that a person is willing to accept fault to patch up a disagreement. Psychologist Rick Hanson suggests that admitting fault cuts through the ego gesturing, reducing stress and anxiety, allowing moving on to other matters, and showing a commitment to being mindful of the mistake and a willingness to correct it. This critical gesture is essential in relationships, especially for HSPs. We HSPs often take the lead in apologizing for our mistakes in arguments or disagreements. It is a gesture of goodwill and a willingness to bring to an end a messy emotional situation. However, if we are in relationships with others less forthright about guilt admission, this could signal problems later on down the road. The idea of being held hostage to a disagreement means to an immature other that you don't love them and may lead to devaluation of you in their eyes. This situation shapes a conditional love that for HSPs causes us to devalue ourselves. This often leads to gaslighting, shaking confidence in oneself, and doubting the other's love of you. Emotional maturity is vital here. What you are looking for is someone who takes responsibility for their actions. They must have the humility to admit when they are wrong, willingness and commitment to find compromise when needed, be supportive emotionally, controlling their impulses, and being trustworthy. When you find a person who can readily admit they are sorry in a heated disagreement, you have found someone displaying the earmarks for emotional maturity. This is a good indicator that this is someone that holds promise. Question #2 – Do your political beliefs align? (Self-ideology or Identity Manifestation) A political question may seem to be a lethal question to ask a potential partner in today's bifurcated and polarized political landscape. But, here are a few points to consider when asking about political views:
Naively, I think HSPs believe that something like political beliefs can be gently shaped and aligned with their own opinions or achieve a compromise with love and understanding. But viewed through a hardened political lens, feelings can be affected. The deeper you go in the relationship, difficulties arise, not just on political matters but also on the emotional reasons these view attachments have. Political beliefs get to the heart of core values, and for HSPs, core value alignment is a key to relationship success. This simple question almost always runs deep and possesses key indicators about a person's personality and emotional status. It is easier to reach a compromise with an open-minded individual if you hear can each other. But beware of the close-minded political hack. Question #3 – Do your spiritual or religious beliefs align? (Deep Self-Identity) For many people, this may be negotiable, and it mostly depends on how deeply entrenched and affixed you both are to your spiritual/religious beliefs. It may depend on the degree to which each partner is open-minded to the idea that there are no absolutes regarding spirituality. You can imagine an Evangelical Christian dating a hard-core atheist or an eclectic New Ager dating a scientific materialist who sees spirituality as foolish and a waste of time. You can easily see where the problems will materialize. Since spiritual beliefs or lack of spiritual beliefs sit deeply within us, this is important in relationships. It often depends on where you are in life and whether this may cause issues, such as raising kids, ideas of morality, afterlife beliefs, etc. Many people have experienced profound and successful relationships with others who have different spiritual views, and for some, this does not rate highly in mate selection. Nevertheless, the spirituality perspective may affect how a person's morality plays out. It may indicate deep beliefs that shape how one treats others, what love means and who one can love. It also reflects how close-minded or open-minded a person can be. Be mindful that compromise is a part of every relationship, and you have to ask yourself how much you have to compromise on spiritual matters that may affect you. One religion or spiritual view might be incompatible with another, so stay open-minded, but remember there is more to this than just the affiliation to a belief. Question #4 – What is their relationship with their parents and primarily with their mother? (Foundational Emotional Matters) To me, this is a fundamental question. Why? Very simply, our parents are the first adults we bond with in life. They are the first people to teach us about love, caring, and nurturing. They are our first template for love, especially the mother. Often, I have found that prospective partners with complicated or non-active relationships with their mothers (and fathers) often have difficulty in love as adults. Without that early critical bonding experience, they are less likely to grow up to be happy, loving, and resilient adults. They may also grow up to have emotional problems that will naturally affect the outcome in adult love relationships. By understanding your potential partners' current relationship with their parents, you are getting insight into how they may form love bonds with others. If the connection is good with the parents, chances are excellent these individuals are well adjusted and capable of giving and receiving love. If the parents are cold, distant, controlling, and unaffectionate, this will have affected your amour on views of what love looks like, feels like, and acts like. Granted that relationships change over time and that sometimes fallings-out occur later in life between parents and children. Life circumstances may alter these relationships as well. The germ of this seed is in the early formative years with parent and child. This early time is the critical bonding period and generally shapes the parent-child relationship for life. All of this should manifest in how affectionate, how expressive in love a person displays. If they acknowledge you and are willing to show and give love, it should be something that surfaces early in your relationship with them. A person who lacks these qualities may be a person you might want to bypass. Put down your therapist hat and move on. You likely will not be able to fix their problem. Question #5 – Do they listen to you? (Interactive Measure and Empathy) Being heard is very important to HSPs. Whether you are an extrovert or an introvert, it doesn't matter; at some point in your relationship, you will want to talk and be heard. And be acknowledged. Some relationships are identified by monologues and some by dialogues, but in the end, we all want to be heard, and the latter type of relationship is where we want to be. Does your love interest hear what you have to say? Do they actively listen to you, i.e., a conscious decision to listen to what you are saying? It seems we either listen to understand or listen to respond. Listening to understand is a deeper type of listening; it is more receptive and compassionate. Listening to respond implies a need to engage in criticism and be motivated by a need to correct you or fix you. One embraces, the other repels. One is deep; the other is shallow. HSPs seek meaning in just about everything, including relationships. It would be a natural desire for HSPs to form deep relationships, and the foundation for this is listening. If they are doing all the talking, well, you are not being heard. Empathy in part comes from communication. We are naturally good listeners. We need good listeners as partners. It is not a one-way street. Question #6 – Are they socially adaptable? (You, Me, and the World) Watch how your potential partner interacts with others. HSPs can be very chameleon-like when we interact in social settings. We are so tuned in to the environment; I think either for comfort or reconnaissance reasons, we adapt to our settings. Maybe it's a comfort thing, or perhaps it's to make others comfortable and make us relatable to them. We can shapeshift if needed. Looking for a partner that can do similarly, although maybe not critical to all HSPs, is crucial to me. I like to mix with mixed crowds and am not comfortable suffering partners that are snobs or find looking down at others as great sport. I try to stay humble with socializing and blend in and engage strategically and sometimes tactically. In networking for business, I like to seek out and find individuals with mutually beneficial contact. For pleasure, I tend to meet people strategically, basically learning from the new encounters with no specific goal in mind. With that said, I would prefer my partner, be able to do the same. How people treat others says a lot about how they will treat you. Look for kind, humble, and socially adaptable people. Granted, this is a simple reflection of how to gauge potential love interests. Your experience may frame similar or completely different questions. The point is to formulate what is essential for you in a partner. Each of us will have our own criteria, but we must know what these points are for each of us. And be astute observers. I recommend you read Dr. Elaine Aron's book on love and HSPs. You will learn a lot about the needs and interactions between HSPs and HSPs, HSPs and non-HSPs, and all combinations in between. There is excellent research (both her and her husband, Arthur) and real-world information in them. Good luck with your love search, be careful, be cautious, and, especially be particular.. You won't regret it. Please share your thoughts in the comment section.
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A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male Many HSPs have trouble dealing with anxiety, stress, and emotional turbulence. For HSPs, these stressors are more than just coping with everyday emotions. This is an often normal reaction for HSPs to environmental and sensory cues that overload our systems. In the last thirty years or so, a new area of psychology has emerged that focuses on human energetic attributes and uses this energy for healing and calming. This field is called Energy Psychology or EP. What is Energy Psychology? Energy Psychology (EP) is a group of therapeutic methods that intervene with human energy fields to promote physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing. EP combines cognitive tools to raise awareness and focus with stimulation of bioenergy fields to promote healing. These biofields include the use of meridians (acupressure points) and chakras (traditional Indian Ayurveda). Many EP practitioners use tapping methods such as EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique, which uses acupressure points combined with gentle tapping. The client states verbally what the issue is while tapping the meridian points to provide results. Chakra based methods include Advanced Integrative Therapy (AIT) and or Heart Assisted Therapy (HAT). In addition, other combination methods are umbrellaed under the term Comprehensive Energy Psychology. For the focus of this article, we are exploring EFT only. Emotional Freedom Technique Emotional Freedom Technique, also known as tapping, was created by Gary Craig in the mid-90s to simplify Roger Callahan's Thought Field Therapy technique (TFT). TFT was a complicated algorithm-based protocol that used tapping points but required specific ordering of those tapping points based upon the problem. Craig found that he could get better results using a set routine of tapping points and reduce tapping locations. EFT is a therapeutic technique based on the theory that negative emotions are caused by disturbances in the body's energy fields. Tapping on specific acupressure points while thinking or saying the negative emotion releases the target emotion and restores the body to balance. The difference between EFT and traditional Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is that recounting and discussing the negative experience (CBT) while offering relief does not always wholly release the negative disturbance from the body/mind. Tapping in a defined sequence while repeating the unique setup phrase will stabilize the trapped emotion over several rounds of tapping, providing a sense of relief and release. The technique is easy to learn, but assistance from a trained practitioner/therapist is the best way to start. Depending on the problem's complexity, the individual can tackle simple issues by themselves with guided practice. Does it work? The evidence for EFT is beginning to gain traction. Over 125 research studies have shown Energy Psychology's effectiveness with a small but growing body of research showing the positive effects on the client's biology. Furthermore, some studies suggest the EFT is as effective or more so than traditional acupuncture treatment in alleviating stress and anxiety. EFT compares favorably to CBT in treating general anxiety, depression, and some forms of trauma. More than merely a distraction, EFT appears to reduce limbic arousal in the brain, helping to disassociate the emotions with the memory - causing relief in subjects. This is supported by both Integration Theory and Reconsolidation Theory, which explains how the brain moves the individual past traumatic experiences. My Personal Experiences I learned EFT about ten years ago and was formally trained in its use around 2015. The technique itself is simple and straightforward to understand. However, like most things that are easy to learn and broad in their application, it takes time to master. Nevertheless, I felt that EFT was an excellent technique for learning stress reduction and anxiety relief. EFT can be done inconspicuously if needed and still provide relief. For example, it can be done while flying if flying gives you anxiety. It has even been shown to be useful if you do the tapping in your head using your imagination. EFT is very portable and, with practice, efficient and reliable. I have used EFT to reduce anxiety, keeping a positive attitude in adverse situations, and it is useful in getting immediate results. This is an ideal tool for HSPs to master in helping control overwhelm. Because we HSPs are by nature sensitives, I think it makes sense to explore new areas for healing, relaxation, and recalibration. Emotional self-regulation for HSPs is essential and finding and using tools and techniques that are close and portable make them easier to use at any time for emotional regulation. Our sensitivity may in many ways aid in making these tools even more useful for us in dealing with anxiety, overwhelm, and stress, as well as for therapeutic reasons in working with a trained therapist. I would be interested in your comments if you have tried EFT and whether it was useful for you. A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Overcoming overwhelm is an HSPs number one priority. There are so many tools out there that can aid in calming your mind and helping you settle down when overwhelm strikes. There are many mobile phone apps specifically designed for relaxation and calming and are portable and generally easy to use. Since most people travel with their phones in easy reach, these might aid in helping HSPs relax when out and about or even at home. Most of the apps featured or low cost or have a modest subscription fee or are free for the basic service. They should also both be available for IOS and Android. Of course, this is not an exhaustive list but can serve as a jumping-off point to start your journey exploring tools to help you. There is some overlap in the groups. # 1 – Mindfulness/Meditation Apps– The purpose of these apps is to help you with starting a daily meditation practice or helping you learn to be mindful of your anxiety or intrusive thoughts. When doing meditation or deep relaxation, it is essential to reach a state of dominant alpha or theta brainwave activity to achieve that blissful state of relaxation. Brainwave state is dynamic, and to maintain the needed state takes work and discipline, this is where the benefit of the app comes in. Although the apps aren’t necessary to create this state, they serve as an immediate feedback loop to the user.
Understand that all old school Luddites may bristle at the idea of using phone apps for relaxation practice and that it should and can be achieved internally without the use of electronics. And this is true to some extent. However, getting started with the old-fashioned ways can require a certain discipline and strict adherence that many folks don’t have the time or inclination to achieve. Many HSPs will like the convenience of a spot fix, such as an app, that they can pull out on the fly for immediate relief. And phone apps can’t be beaten for timeliness or convenience. They are worth taking a look. There are many, many apps available, so travel beyond the suggestions and explore on your own. I’d love to hear what you find. A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
You don’t have to look very far to find negativity around everywhere. Highly Sensitive People seem to have a unique sense of picking up negativity in the environment. Perhaps, it is a keen nuanced sense of emotion floating about us, or maybe a collective receptor for sensing people’s moods, but we always seem to know when an environment is harmful or toxic. The problem with that is that we tend to internalize the negativity and hold it inward for too long, causing us issues emotionally and physically if we don’t find ways of detoxifying quickly energy that will alter our internal moods. Here are some hacks for releasing and letting go of negativity – something every HSP should know and be adept at doing. # 1 – Mindfulness Practice – Some of our emotional reactivity is learned behavior and can become automatic at the trigger of negativity inputs. To prevent this automatic loop from running on autopilot, you must first become consciously aware of the triggers and the subsequent behaviors that follow the triggers. One way of breaking the loop is to become mindful of your mind/body reaction to the trigger. You will feel the response in your body as well as in your mind. This should be a clue to the intensity of the negativity by the reaction in your mind/body. By being aware of the trigger, you can “thought lock” the response by consciously overriding the reaction with a calming reaction. This takes practice and time, but in time will rewire your brain for a more neutral reaction to the stimulus. Remember, mindfulness is awareness. And awareness provides choices in blind spots you had before. #2 –Isolate the Rumination – Once you find yourself in a rumination moment, where you continuously rehash the event/trigger needlessly and incessantly – you by way of awareness, can isolate the feelings associated with that trigger. Consider it like fencing off a rogue bull from the herd. Instead of allowing these repetitive thoughts, to spread around your consciousness, wreaking havoc, you can isolate and fence off the negative ones. You can even use the imagery of fencing off the negative thoughts if that makes It more real for you. By isolating, you are now managing the negativity directly. Isolation of these thoughts is the first step towards releasing them. HSPs are prone to emotional reactivity, and this must be channeled into constructive action, i.e., from overwhelm to resolve. #3 – Release the Emotion Underlying the Negativity- Releasing negative thoughts or emotions is an active process and somewhat of an art form. There are many activities, I have suggested in the blog over the years, that are excellent at helping you become mindful and allowing release. Meditation practice is perhaps one of the best. Finding a meditation practice is an individual choice, but there are many information options online that can help you in choosing. The practice of yoga and Tai Chi are like meditation in motion; the quiet fluidity of careful body movement with breathing installs a calm and peace that is both active and still. They both create a flow state condition that empties the mind and is a perfect place for release. Other activities such as neurofeedback training, aerobic exercise, or even digitally enhanced mood-altering music are great ways to prepare your mind for release. Your body will reward you with mood-enhancing endorphins that will help you pass the negativity outward from your mind and body. Releasing is not an act of vulnerability but rather empowerment. Releasing does not mean you have to resolve the negativity; it is merely the act of letting go. This will return to you a state of flow. #4 – Retreat, Rest, Rejuvenation – In extreme cases of overwhelm, when the above doesn’t work, then downtime is in order. Quarantine (as if you’re not doing enough of that lately) yourself in nature or a special sanctuary that you have created for yourself for a retreat. Surround yourself with self-soothing artifacts and distractions – movies, music, books, hobbies, or passions and indulge yourself in silence. The goal is to seek peace and calm in your soul. Most HSPs know how to do retreat natively, so this should be a familiar activity or non-activity. Rest and recharge. Self-isolate. You have permission. #5 –Talk with Empathetic Souls – Do not hold this inside you! There is a time when talking to an empathetic soul is imperative. Externalize your thoughts with trusted family and friends and seek a measure of validation of your assumptions and concerns. You may be blowing the negativity way out of proportion, so seek some confirmation. This will help you confirm or refute your feelings and help you formulate constructive actions. #6 – Practice Peace and Calm, Serenity Living – Quieting the mind for HSPs is work. I mean real work. Yet doing so via practice and repetition will teach you to discipline your mind to manage erratic emotions, which often lead to overwhelm. This practice will train you for dealing with negative onslaughts, the kind that is quite common these days. Imagine that you are becoming a mental Aikido master. You fend off negative attacks by flowing with the energy that is opposing you. You take that energy and let it flow through you, not at you. Imagine you move in mindful motion with the attacker and disarm this energy by using that momentum to pass by you. You disarm it with mental Aikido, steps you learned above. #7 –Be Selective in Your Environmental Choices – The environment we choose to be in, is highly reflective of how much negativity we must cope with. Choose your companions wisely. You may not always be able to avoid negative people, but you should not consciously seek them out. It is real work to deal with negativity in people and will drain you of your resources. Additionally, be where you are most energized and feel flow. The places you allow yourself in can make a huge difference in your productivity. Be where you are most natural. Finally, surround yourself with peace and calm emitting amenities. A pleasant environment means a mind/body calm. #8 – Recognize that You are Different in a Good Way – We HSPs have different sensibilities. It comes with the territory. Some of it is sensory, some of it is intuitive, and some of it is HSP logic. We all need to learn to accept ourselves and embrace the gift of high sensitivity. Use it to enlighten, educate, and to uplift others. Spread positivity to negate the negativity. Refuse to believe or see sensitivity as a weakness. A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male Fragility of Society I have been like many people watching the news closely on the pandemic Coronovirus-19. The story has been a constant droning of pessimism as of late as things start to become more alarming as the virus continues to spread. It dawned on me while watching this unfold that our society, our culture, and our civilization is very fragile. We talk a lot about the effects that we humans are having on the planet, with climate change, overpopulation, and consumption of natural resources. Still, it generally has not sunken into the head of the average person on the street. It's a someday thing, not a now thing. Coronavirus is a now thing. Its spread is quick and exponential and for many fatal. Still, many are ignoring the warnings. This thing we call civilization is propped up by the most fragile support mechanisms. But in the end, it's now clear that it all depends on people. Imagine civilization could come undone because of a microscopic organism that can replicate indiscriminately at machine speed. The virus following its primal objective to survive has found pay dirt in human bodies. We are the unfortunate hosts. Do I expect a wholesale collapse of our civilization? No. But, this should be a warning on the fragility of life in our modern world. Sandwiched between the layers of environmental factors, some outside of our control, and our free will lies the core of our existence. A fragile balance at best. The Economy is a Fantasy One of the first things to react was the stock market. The stock market is our legally sanctioned monetary casino, where many millions place their hopes and dreams and their lifelong savings, subject to skittish "corrections" to any provocation in the environment. The market is a place where wild emotional reactions can vaporize trillions of dollars in a single week. These stampedes caused by a panicked herd mentality can bring the economy down with such rapidity that sanctions had to be put in place to prevent massive sell-offs. It is the high temple of our world. We live in a world where the table is tilted for the few and away from the many. This disparity has unfolded more evidently in the last forty years as the rich get richer, and the poor and middle class fall off the map. A crisis, like the Coronavirus, points out the crack in the exterior walls of our economic fortress. The erosion of the middle class, through government, corporate, and political machinations, has left our once robust middle class vulnerable and weakened. The middle class has always been the engine that drives the economy. Couple this with the disregard for the poor, we find ourselves in a situation which is like channeling precious water away from our rich grasslands and fields and, allowing them to wither and become dried out and wondering why the brush fire wipes out our valuable resources. Every day we are shown indicators of prosperity – numbers that belie and mask the truth that wealth is not inclusive and is full of inequities. The reality is prosperity is there for the few and not for the masses. We thrive on scarcity and deny abundance, and this is costing us our souls. I wonder if the Coronavirus simply exposed the underlying virus that has been with us for years. We Operate on Assumptions Our whole society is based on assumptions. One assumption is that our healthcare system is world-class. Yet, access to healthcare is often limited, prohibitively expensive, and surplus in a crisis is non-existent. We assume that most of us will be well, and the system will never be taxed. Yet here we are. This assumption is based more on business models than medical models. Business drives every decision. Economy and efficiency are the drivers of profits. "Just in time" planning has been our mantra since the '80s. It may be efficient and profit-oriented, but it does not do well for contingencies, such as our current dilemma. Under stress, this system crumbles, and ad hoc planning must be invoked. We scramble to make sense of this disjointed jigsaw puzzle. We also assume that our elected leaders are true leaders, that they have the "right stuff" that they know how to direct, how to delegate, how to stay calm, and take responsibility. That they have empathy and compassion as they aid us in navigating any given crisis. Pay attention and watch how this unfolds. It's not looking good. Finally, we assume we live in a free society. We have free enterprise, free access to information, and we are free to move and free to live the life we want. We value our independence, which we falsely assume is our freedom. But when a crisis hits, do we resort to our selfish self-focused nature, or do we move towards the higher-order mammalian nature? From what I've seen thus far, we are split as a nation on this notion. That internal divide will continue as the crisis unfolds, or we will overcome it and unite. The choice is before us. How Things are Breaking Down I've said this before, but hegemonic masculinity is killing us, also known as toxic masculinity. This form of masculinity supports the rule by the privileged, the elite, the uncompassionate, and the unempathetic. Men and women can assume this role. Reptilian leadership is an oxymoron, for reptilian leaders only think of their own interests. Think today, think self. Their decisions are not cooperative but competitive and self-serving. Years of thinking this way has gotten us to the place we are today. The herd does not serve a purpose if all members are working in their own interests. We cannot survive as a species if we continue this type of thinking. Marginalizing large sectors of the population – people of color, women, LGBTQ, and new immigrant communities is like trying to thin the herd by ostracizing the very ones that make the herd healthy. It's the diversity that makes us resilient. We are a diverse herd; we need each other right now. The virus does not care about the superficial differences-- to Coronavirus; we are all humans. We are all hosts. Our economy is propped up by "the system." The government selectively props up Wall Street, big banks, large corporations, and wealthy investors, but shirks those less powerful. The error of thought here is becoming evident. The virus has exposed that the ultimate economic engine, is the workers, the people. As the workers retreat or are ordered to their sanctuary for self-protection, the wheels are coming off the bus. Alas, the system for the few, depends entirely on the many to survive. With no safety nets at the bottom, the whole game falls apart—great foresight by the elite. The global economy has given us inexpensive products to match our meager wages but has taken away our ability to remain self-sufficient. Without the free flow of people and goods, the system comes to a halt. No one gets spared, save a very select few. Why hasn't our government promoted small businesses, small industry, US manufacturing, and individual entrepreneurship? Politicians know there's no money in it. The money flows where the cheapest labor costs are, and that is not here in the US. We have been devaluing labor for over forty years. Fat corporate types own the purse strings. Now we have to depend on foreign businesses to support us in our crisis -not a sound strategy for managing a crisis from within. We need to find better ways to measure wealth. Why not measure wealth by how healthy the population is? Why not measure satisfaction and happiness in life? Why not measure for right livelihood or mental health? I'm not talking about not responsibly measuring money metrics but instead expanding the terms for abundance and prosperity. It's the American People, Stupid! Since the founding of our nation, the American people have tended to rally and solidify in crisis. We are pretty good at that when we can get on the same page. Yet, today politics, small-minded religion, and small outlier groups of highly agendized people have found a way to polarize us. Even now, we take sides as the crisis worsens. It seems the Reptilians are winning—their Social Darwinism eclipses compassion and caring. Most Americans just want the macro things to work in their lives, leaving that to government, while they pursue their micro interests. Most of us want the same fundamentals: home, educational opportunities, some savings, a good-paying job, balance in life, and a sense of worth and accomplishment. This basic premise should be completely reasonable in this country. Each year that goes by, we see more and more Americans watching this dream sail away. Why? And now nature has given us this crisis. Figure it out, people -- or we die, or at least collapse our flimsy straw house. How do HSPs figure into all of this? I suspect that many HSPs have been sensing for some time that this day would come. We are the canary in the coal mine – if we haven't completely grasped the entirety of it all or the implications of our fragile society, we have certainly felt it. It is uncomfortable, like a scratchy shirt, and these types of things we notice. We are designed for this task. As I have said, we HSPs need to become more visible, more noticed, and more vocal. And, in some cases, reluctant but needed empathetic thought leaders. We need to help with the leveling of the table. We need to give our wise and cautious counsel. We need to let our light shine. We see this; we sense this, we feel this. HSPs are not going to change the world on our own, but we have a responsibility because of our gifts of observation and deep thought to share our views with those who don't often see our acute world view. It's not too late. The virus is a wake-up call. The Sensitive Man - HSPs: Are we more advanced than we know? Positive Disintegration Theory1/6/2019 A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Luke: All right, I'll give it a try. Yoda: No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try. From Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back In the early sixties, Polish psychiatrist, Kazimierz Dabrowski developed a personality development theory called Positive Disintegration. Positive Disintegration Theory postulates a personality development framework that emphasizes personality evolution via overexcitability (OE) crises of the individual , which amounts to a heightened experience of stimulus via increased neuronal sensitivities. This experience places the individual into crisis situations which expands the boundaries of personality and allows for growth. Individuals progress through levels of development spurred by these existential sensory excitements, eventually achieving a creative, altruistic state that optimizes human potential. It would seem a perfect developmental model for Highly Sensitive People, with our highly sensitive natures. We are well equipped to experience these catalysts for growth that could lead us to become highly advanced personalities per this model. But would our unique personality characteristics make us better designed to evolve to a higher level of human personality, and if so, for what purpose? Let’s look at the theory. Some of the main tenets of the theory are: 1) tension and anxiety are necessary for personal growth, 2) personality is not innate but must be learned, 3) developmental potential (DP), a key component and is a result of the overexcitability (OE) factor as well as the drive for autonomy, 4) the disintegration component refers to the breakdown of our primary integration, which is a more reptilian early life personality focused on selfish drives and survival. This basic personality is formed as a result of primal instincts and socialization and must dissolve for developmental growth to occur. Emotional reactions cause the development of individual values, different and individuated from the societal norms. Decisions are then made about the individual essence (which I read as the core of the person) and then existential choices then allow expression of the higher self and inhibition of the lower self as measured against these new found values. The levels of development occur along five stages. The developmental potential for each individual derives from various genetic features expressed through interaction with the environment. Through various mechanisms including overexcitability (OE), specific abilities and talents and a strong desire for autonomous growth this potential is realized. There are five aspects to (OE) they include: psychomotor (excessive physical energy, impulsivity), sensual (expression through the senses), imaginational (visualization in the mind), intellectual (voracious learners) and emotional (empathy). For those with high levels of OE, such as would be expected for HSPs, the road to development is not an easy one. Many highs and lows make navigating through development difficult. People with high developmental potential have a strong compulsion to work through and walk their own path. I find that in my contacts with HSPs this seems to be a common theme. Dabrowski describes five levels of development. As mentioned before we all start at the same place at the primary integration level. Many people stay at this level their whole lives, never advancing, focusing on self-centered objectives and survival strategies at all costs. This has nothing to do with intelligence. It is about the emotional development of the individual. Many intelligent, powerful people stay locked here. Their success predicated on fulfilling their basest desires. Others live here to follow and conform, never fully developing a strong sense of self. There is great social and peer pressure to conform here, a robotic and rote existence. The next level, Unilevel Disintegration, occurs as a result of brief periods of crisis, followed by existential despair and then transformation. An example might be adolescence, financial crisis, or the death of a loved one. Generally, these crises are horizontal – right/wrong, forward/backward types of decisions. This is a transitional stage. Many people pass through this level, as life does present many challenges. However, the transition does elude some, and they regress back to Level One, an easier state of being. Those that utilize the opportunity grow and begin to see the formation of individual values and beliefs. At the third level, named Spontaneous Multilevel Disintegration, many either progress or regress back to lower levels. The key question is, “Do I follow my instincts, my teachings or my heart?” Following the heart is the realization of the awakening of the third level. Relying on personal values developed over the previous stages and individual and unique perspectives, allow for breaking the mold and standing alone. This is a vertical choice level, involving many options spanning over many disparate levels, much like three-dimensional chess. There is an expansion of thinking outside of the box, exercising the individuals own beliefs and values. This level is a gateway to higher levels for those that embrace the work. Many never move beyond, and some even regress, even fewer move forward. Level Four is called Directed Multilevel Disintegration. The process of disintegration of the primary integration continues. At this level, more conscious and deliberate choices are made by the individual. The growth becomes centered externally, seeing beyond self and taking a more prosocial stance. It is a movement towards mammalian thinking--what is good for the herd, what is good for the group. More empathy, and more expansion. The individual begins to think in terms of what is the right thing to do, over more selfish interests. Finally at Level Five comes the Secondary Integration and is guided by conscious choices based on personal values. Shedding the primary integration, the individual awakens to their potential as a fully functioning human. Now distinct and separate from simply surviving and self-centered obsessiveness or obligation to conform to a societal norm that no longer seems relevant, the person is free to exercise free will. Choices are now made on the personal values honed over the various levels. True creativity, originality and a higher level of being occurs at this level. At this level, the primary integration is replaced by the unique integration of the individual. How do HSPs fit into this developmental model? At what level do HSPs seem to gravitate? Do we experience OE more often than most non-HSPs and does this move us forward in development faster than others? This seems to make sense considering our innate sensory sensitivities and our capacity for deep, reflective processing. With the exception that some HSPs might find retreating to a lower level more comfortable, albeit for temporary rest and reflection. We as a group would largely move forward without much conscious effort. We clearly process more emotional crises than others, because we feel more deeply – pulling in intuitive as well as sensory data. Pushing boundaries should be something all HSPs are encouraged to do, for this is the place where crisis meets learning opportunity and growth ensues. Most of the individuals that Dabrowski studied to develop this theory were at their peak, creatively and spiritually. Level Five sounds a lot like a high functioning HSP and could represent a good model for HSPs to adopt. Do the various levels equate in some way to various spiritual levels? The qualities of each level would suggest traveling from base instincts to a more altruistic and spiritual peak at Level Five. Could that mean that HSPs would then be more prone to being spiritually “enlightened?” It would seem so, but only for the ones that push forward, rising above the crises of life, learning, retaining, discovering the value of their own unique personality. Yet, can we break free of our obsessiveness with OE and fully see that crisis as a tool for higher evolvement? To face head-on existential moments in life with confidence that in spite of the pain moves us to higher levels of being human. With that, I believe we can live our lives with our full potential and help the planet evolve. It’s an interesting thought and an even more interesting theory. Yoda: Yes, run! Yes, a Jedi's strength flows from the Force. But beware of the dark side. Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will, as it did Obi-Wan's apprentice. Luke: Vader... Is the dark side stronger? Yoda: No, no, no. Quicker, easier, more seductive. Luke: But how am I to know the good side from the bad? Yoda: You will know... when you are calm, at peace, passive. A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, NEVER for attack. Luke: But tell me why I can't... Yoda: No, no! There is no "why". From Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back References:
A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Forrester: No thinking - that comes later. You must write your first draft with your heart. You rewrite with your head. The first key to writing is... to write, not to think! From Finding Forrester One of the four main attributes of Highly Sensitive People is the tendency to and the ability for deep processing. HSPs routinely process emotional and environmental content more deeply than others and dwell on a topic for a longer period of time. We HSPs are prone to deep thinking to what others may term as extreme lengths at times which requires alone and quiet time. Sometimes this seems to be a curse – leaving those around us to question why we “overthink” things. The appearance of overthinking is true, yet, it is our nature and certainly a benefit for the most part, but can it be overdone? Can deep thinking be our worst enemy? Does deep thinking inhibit action – in effect holding us back? HSPs do more deep thinking using parts of the brain that are associated with deep processing, and higher use of the part of the brain called the Insula – an integration tool that connects more of the brain in synchronicity. The myth that we are slower thinkers is not supported . Research shows that HSPs have stronger, faster reaction times exhibiting our faster brain processing. Our natural startle reflex would support that idea. The fact that we often process more data than Non-HSPs may give the outward appearance we process at slower rates, but in fact, we are processing more data at higher rates with more outcome options analyzed. What is deep thinking? Is it something only intelligent, philosophical types do? Is it complex thinking? Or, is it simple thinking that is overly processed? Most deep thinkers display characteristics that seem good fits to what we consider HSP traits. They often are, introverted, observant, humorous (albeit quirky), voracious readers, forgetful, curious, planners, problem solvers, socially awkward, and independent. A lot of the psychological studies involving deep thinking suggest that it is a part of the definition pertaining to levels of thinking. A lot of this relates to how memory works, the deeper the encoding, the deeper the processing. That makes sense, much like a hard drive on a computer stores data for later retrieval, deeper encoding makes the data available for later processing. Shallow encoding would lead to more short-term processing, which would effectively come and go quickly. Another factor for enabling deep processing would be -- the more emotional the content, the stronger the encoding. Most HSPs are emotionally charged creatures. Much of our input would likely be highly charged and stored effectively in long-term memory, where it could be drawn and processed for longer periods. Because deep processing often involves the use of semantics; language helps to encourage the analytics of deep thinking. Many of the brain areas associated with memory and depth of processing: the hippocampus, amygdala, and neocortex are areas often associated with HSP brain processing. Whether HSPs as a whole have more powerful hippocampal areas (memory) or more active amygdala (emotion) might give additional credence to the idea that we are naturally wired for this type of processing. Since the Sensory Processing Sensitivity characteristics seem to occur across species, not just humans, you have to wonder if this quality is not evolutionarily ordained and functionally important for survival. But when does deep processing become overthinking? Overthinking is not considered to be a positive attribute. In fact, there are distinct health consequences for persistent overthinking. Two main outcomes of overthinking are rumination and worrying – both having stress consequences. Rumination is a process where the past is relentlessly rehashed with no productive outcome. Sometimes rumination involves circular recursive logic that leaves the individual feeling helpless and hopeless. Worrying, the polar opposite of rumination involves deriving negative predictions about the future – utilizing previous unsuccessful outcomes as input. Neither strategy leads to positive outcomes and can drive negative thought patterns deeper down. An infusion of emotions almost always energizes this exercise and can lead to anxiety, stress, and depression. If you find yourself in this loop and recognize it, then challenge your thoughts; focus on active problem-solving. Give yourself time for neutral reflection and mindfulness. Or, give yourself a consuming distraction to break the cycle and if that fails to work, seek help. Needless to say, the consequences of overthinking are much different than deep processing. I’m not sure that deep processing can spawn overthinking, regardless of what non-HSPs may think, but it would behoove us HSPs to be mindful of where our deep processing is leading us. Overthinking can lead to real mental health issues – anxiety and depression. It certainly can inhibit the benefits of your deep processing ability causing analysis paralysis and with that added stress can contribute to sleep disturbances. Our HSP ability to rely on deep processing of inputs is certainly one of our shining characteristics. It doesn’t’ lend us to making hasty decisions or staccato-like shotgun decision making. But our ability to deeply process and forecast outcomes is what makes us good advisors, counselors, and teachers. At some point, you have to accept your conclusions and go with them by taking action or risk treading into the realm of overthinking. Trust your gut, as an HSP your instincts are generally right, in large part due to your deep thinking capabilities. References:
A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Chuck Noland: We both had done the math. Kelly added it all up, and... knew she had to let me go. I added it up and knew that I had... lost her. 'cos I was never gonna get off that island. I was gonna die there, totally alone. I was gonna get sick, or get injured or something. The only choice I had, the only thing I could control was when, and how, and where it was going to happen. So... I made a rope, and I went up to the summit, to hang myself. I had to test it, you know? Of course. You know me. And the weight of the log snapped the limb of the tree, so I-I - , I couldn't even kill myself the way I wanted to. I had power over *nothing*. And that's when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I'm back. In Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass... And I've lost her all over again. I'm so sad that I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful that she was with me on that island. And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring? From Cast Away I think it’s about time we HSPs and in particular HSMs stop complaining about our sensitivities and start living with it and learning from it, exploiting the advantages and looking for best strategies to thrive within the framework of Sensory Processing Sensitivity. That may sound harsh, but, as men, we need to explore our options on how we can best deal with SPS and then take that knowledge and share it with our HSM brothers and young men and boys. We might even consider sharing it with our non-HSP male counterparts to help them explore other aspects of their personalities they probably have veered away from. I have talked a lot about our culture’s boy and man code, toxic masculinity and living our own protective denial about who we are and covering up our differences. The world, for now, may not get us-- our moods, the tendency towards overwhelm, the depth of processing emotions and stuff, that many label “over-thinking,” --because this all spells drama to outsiders. Drama in familiar parlance is any kind of intense emotion that doesn’t fit the circumstance according to the labeler. They don’t get our quiet ways, sometimes think we are conspiring against them. They never understand our need to process to infinity and beyond on what they usually consider trivial matters, until, of course, they need to pick our brains on advice for one of their vexing problems. When you consider it, work, relationships, friendships, activities, social life – all are impacted by our high sensitivity and how we deal and cope. Nothing about our living goes unaffected by our SPS trait. Part of the overwhelms of life for most of us comes from not having effective coping skills to deal with the extra sensitivity. This is consternating for us HSP adults but is profoundly confusing for HSP kids. Many parents of HSP kids, some of which are not themselves HSPs are confused, embarrassed, frustrated and sometimes plain angry with their HSP offspring. They struggle because they don’t know of, or can teach the coping skills these children need. Although I am grateful at the growing acknowledgment and work about SPS from the likes of Dr. Elaine Aron, Dr. Tracy Cooper, Dr. Ted Zeff, and many others, we are far from universal awareness and understanding about how to cope, strategize, raise and bring up healthy HSP children. As many of us adults acknowledge our shortcomings or the lack of tools to help in this undertaking, we as HSPs must all band together to share our insights and teach each other those coping skills that have worked for us as individuals and to share the experiences we have had that might be useful to parents, teachers, and others that interface with HSP children. This is true especially for HSP boys that are not only up against one size fits all societal norms for masculine expectancy but the general bias against HSPs as a whole. This is hard for young HSP boys, because not only do they not match up with what is expected from most boys, but are often sensitive about this disparity. This disconnect contributes to self-esteem and self-confidence issues that will affect them as men and as adults. So what do we do? Let me talk first about some of our tendencies when confronting life’s conflicts. Our instincts generally lead us always to go within, retreat or isolate when we reach these obstacles. It just seems normal for us to withdraw at the first sign of resistance. We almost universally process in this way, or some close variant. For HSPs this may be to allow for more processing or rumination on the issue or for soothing purposes. To quiet down, rest on the problem. Yes, we all nod in an agreement that this is a good thing, but is it always a good strategy? For sure, it is a natural strategy for HSPs, no one has to teach an HSP to do this, but following our natural tendencies – does this make for best practices? Could it lead to passivity, inaction, and avoidance? I think about this a lot when I contemplate the idea of teaching proactive coaching strategies to young HSP men or boys. I often ask myself – what could have been taught to me as a boy, that would have made my life better, more fulfilling and instilled a higher degree of confidence in my ability to navigate the world. Instead, like many highly sensitive men, I just figured out on my own by trial and error, a cobbled together strategy. What we need are tools to teach ourselves and our young men how to take our gifts and our challenges as HSPs and use them to better ourselves and for that matter, the world. These tools would instill confidence and teach us how to use our unique voices. We could stand to learn more precise skills to regulate our emotions or how to throttle them when they are overwhelming or inappropriate. We need to learn how to communicate our needs to others, without sounding whiny or complaining. There should be a method that would be equivalent to mental aikido when we are attacked or feel that way, that would allow us to calmly use our opponent's negativity to flow through us, as opposed to draining us or hurting us. This could be a method to protect us. We need to understand our dark selves, too, those moods that might arise from negative upbringings or from other’s insensitive treatment and learn to show love to all those that don’t understand us. Most importantly, we need to learn the fundamentals of self-love, how to find and nurture it within ourselves. We need good roadmaps for finding our best career options and accelerate the proliferation of good tools for HSPs for identifying the HSP trait early on, either by testing (thanks Dr. Aron) or by trained observation. We need to cultivate how to guide our young HSP children towards careers that would allow them to prosper and thrive, helping them to get in touch with their life spark (read: passion) and show them how to map it out into an awesome life. We need career coaches and counselors to provide career “clouds,” which are general guidelines for options for broad occupation categories that HSPs can match to their individual personalities and characteristics. We need to match our young ones to mentors that can help them at schools and medical facilities, that understand them, and can encourage them in ways that stimulate HSPs in gentle ways. As an HSP male, I can’t emphasize enough, how important it is to identify and outreach HSP boys early on in life. A great deal of their socialization as males takes place early in life, from both males and females. Self-esteem and self-confidence begin here, and no one, HSP or not, is born with the means to self-confidence. It is all learned. Some of the coping strategies out there from a variety of sources, speak to the special needs of HSPs without really talking about the proactive tools approach. It’s almost a stimulus => response approach, that is most often offered. Nevertheless, not criticizing these approaches, they are coming from great sources, but still seem lacking in providing a walk out the door and into life approach, which anticipates challenges and provides a means to let life flow through us. I do believe as SPS gathers more research these tools will appear. Now, I am going to share a broad stroke of these ideas, a sampling of the advice for HSP coping. More detail can be found by linking on the references. In addition, at the end of the article, I have listed a few of the essential HSP books, that every HSM should have on their bookshelves or on their Kindles. Most authorities on HSPs speak to the need for HSP emotional regulation. This is very important. Like most HSPs, no one ever taught me about how to deal with the onslaught of heavy emotion I would deal with in my life. It’s easy to get addicted to the highs and lows, and without a good strategy, the roller coaster analogy really begins to take shape in your life. Dr. Aron speaks of acceptance of your feelings, being with them, realizing they are transient and will pass. She advocates remaining hopeful, realizing you can cope and with practice can receive the experience that allows you to feel that you are in control. This is the mindful thought sculpting approach many therapists utilize. She acknowledges that body matters are important too, such as sleep, diet, and exercise. How and where you spend your time will aid in dealing with overwhelm so keep matters of association and isolation in mind. Dr. Ted Zeff talks about raising HSP boys, in a gentle way, acknowledging their nature, being extra cautious to be mindful of bullying in and around their lives, and being cautious about placing them unprepared in stressful circumstances, where they may be humiliated or overly embarrassed. He emphasizes the importance of a strong, leader male – a father figure to guide them in finding their way. This is imperative to HSP boys to receive recognition from a respected male to aid them in developing confidence in themselves. HSP boys need to be engaged in physical activities that will help them be physically fit. Many HSP boys lack a positive body image and exercise and movement are key to improving that image. HSP boys need help in developing critical thinking skills to abate the tendency towards runaway emotions. A great skill for young men, HSP or not, is to learn meditation skills for relaxation and to increase mind calming. We need to teach them to regulate self-criticism, which often takes an emotional tone. We often suffer from recursive intrusive thinking. Critical thinking coupled with mindfulness and self-awareness can help tremendously here. I envision here a kind of Shaolin priest training program that balances both body and mind. For those of you who remember, the TV show, Kung-Fu, offers the character Kwai Chang Caine, who is a sensitive, spiritual and thoughtful man who walks with mindfulness and confidence in the world and I think a kind of cool role model for HSP boys. All of these activities should have a goal of increased self-esteem, via awareness and use of a variety of tools, many of which, are free, and only need to be taught. Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) or tapping is a great example of one of the tools. I would also recommend working with a therapist that knows EMDR (a tool that releases unconscious material quickly) or that offers some type of neurofeedback training. I personally, use Neuroptimal, to help calm my mind and build resiliency. All of this advice suggests some of the tools that, although not necessarily developed for HSPs, can be modified or adapted to be used for HSPs. We do need to stop treating SPS as if it were a disease. It's not. I am not above my own advice. I am still struggling with the idea of this trait as being a gift at times. I often let unknowing, sometimes well-meaning people frame my experience as being a liability or that I must make draconian changes in my personality. We all need to start looking at ways /strategies for being more proactive with our trait. Getting out from underneath the confusion about the trait, examining what’s good about it, and teaching ourselves and others how we can best use it to thrive makes sense now. I would welcome hearing about strategies that you may have tried to aid yourself in your life. Good or bad, they all bear mentioning. Chuck Noland: [to Wilson] We might just make it. Did that thought ever cross your brain? Well, regardless, I would rather take my chance out there on the ocean than to stay here and die on this shithole island, spending the rest of my life talking... [suddenly yelling] Chuck Noland: ...TO A GODDAMN VOLLEYBALL! From Cast Away References:
Books You Must Have or Read: Dr. Tracy Cooper – Thrive! https://www.amazon.com/Thrive-Highly-Sensitive-Person-Career/dp/1514693232 Dr. Elaine Aron –Highly Sensitive Person https://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Person-Thrive-Overwhelms/dp/0553062182/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_img_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=C3JDZ3F5EPSQSKE2VM6V Dr. Ted Zeff – Strong Sensitive Boy https://www.amazon.com/Strong-Sensitive-Boy-Ted-Zeff-ebook/dp/B004P5NVHA/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1543256675&sr=1-4&keywords=ted+zeff Zeff A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Alex: What we were after now was the old surprise visit. That was a real kick and good for laughs and lashings of the old ultraviolent. From: A Clockwork Orange Somewhere along the way as I was growing, violence took a wrong turn in the media. Movies, TV, print; all began to show more graphic violence. I don’t know what the starting point was, or when; I just know that it started getting more detailed, more bloody. Of course, there were horror movies, slasher types that were full of gaudy special effects and makeup, but somewhere along the way, the technology got really good, and bloodletting began in full swing. For a highly sensing boy, I saw this is as a turnoff. What happened to the days, when a gunshot went off, there was a quick cut and a dead body laid on the ground? Sometimes with blood, sometimes without. I got the message; the character was dead, I didn’t need to see him bleed out, to make that point. The excessive reliance on violence for dramatic conflict seems like lazy writing to me. The subtlety of death and dying died, and so did a certain naivete upon the viewing public. Modeling of violence in the media can desensitize us all into the acceptance of violence or at least aggression as an acceptable method for resolving egregious problems or for seeking justice. Whether it is an endless war against perceived enemies, capital punishment as a means of justice or at a personal level arming oneself to the teeth, to protect against “bad guys.” I’m not interested in playing video games, but nowadays watching almost any historical drama on television or in films is rife with realistic and I could argue hyper-real blood and guts, as villains are slain to exact justice. One can simply no longer turn away from the violence and even as adults, the visceral and subtle unconscious effects alter all of us. There have been many studies over the years vilifying the effects of passively watching violence in the media. The National Institute of Mental Health found that children watching violent media may become desensitized to other’s pain and suffering , may become more fearful and may be more likely to behave in aggressive and harmful ways to others. It has even been suggested that this learned behavior may follow into adulthood. Violent video games have a similar effect. Ninety-eight percent of video games contain violence and since 97% of adolescents play video games the reach of violent modeling goes way beyond Saturday morning cartoons. Violence is found in music, YouTube, radio, on cell phones, the internet and now especially in social media. This constant exposure to aggression creates aggressive thoughts and can produce less empathy towards others. The focus of aggression is the intent to harm another, where the other is looking to avoid this harm. It takes many forms: relational aggression, i.e., spreading harmful rumors; cyber-aggression via electronic messages; and, verbal aggression. With over 42.5 aggressive acts per hour on television and with a clear increase in violence in movies over the last 40 years, it is no wonder that the effect culturally on children is growing. These children, of course, grow up to be adults. When these acts of aggression take a more severe form, we are looking at violent actions. Now, I know many of you may be saying, well, all these studies have not been able to prove long-term effects or that many of the studies are flawed or invalid. Some would even argue that viewing violence has a cathartic effect on aggression. Yet, there are no studies showing this to be true. It is very difficult, if not ethically impossible to construct a study in which a cause and effect relationship can be established by watching violent media with behavior in which murder or violence is the end result of the study. Yet, it is clear we can measure arousal rates when watching violent media, heart rate, respiration, and higher blood pressure. In fact, there have been MRI (magnetic resonance imagery) studies where noticeable differences in brain activity have been shown after just one week of watching violent video games. Other studies have noted short and long-term effects associated with this video violence. Primary among the short-term effects have been the arousal via emotional stimulation, which causes a visceral response. And, of course, mimicry, which causes the viewer to imitate behavior watched, in a less violent, but nonetheless aggressive way – generally more aggressive thoughts. The long-term effects may affect observational learning skills and alter emotional state, thought schemas, normative beliefs about violence and executable behavior scripts. It may cause desensitization with increased exposure, aggressive behavior, bullying, increased fears, depression, nightmares, and other sleep disturbances. The key to all of this is repetition. Repeating the viewing, especially with video gaming, where repetition increases skill level, increases the retention and acceptance of violence as a means to an end. This clearly affects children and adults. The continuous bombardment of violence or aggressive behavior, especially with the actions of hero characters, models that the world is a dangerous place and that justice is only served by righteous indignation, often in violent form. Because this is constantly presented as reality via the media, the unconscious mind, not the greatest at distinguishing reality from fiction learns that violence, if not honorable, is at least tolerable to settle injustices. How does violence in the media effect HSPs and in particular HSMs? Why would we watch it, if it is offensive and abhorrent to our sensibilities? I personally find excessive violence in film or television to be distracting to the story. It creates a strong visceral reaction, a shock if you will, that I feel in my body. I never get sick to the stomach, but feel a slight, steady revulsion to excessive violence, even knowing that it’s not real. If it is severe enough, I will turn my head, but as of late, I force myself to bear through it. It’s over soon enough, but the story is altered for me. Even with plot justification for the violence, I tend to be tenser watching the remainder, as if waiting for someone to jump out from behind me, to startle me. Gratuitous violence is just that – plugged into storylines at regular intervals to give the mind and body a shock. It sells tickets. My larger concern is what is all of this violence doing to us as a culture? Is it altering the way our brains perceive violence? I mean, one could argue that we have always been violent, aggressive creatures. But, at what point do we rise above our baser instincts and evolve, moving past violence. If it is affecting us all, does it mean we HSPs are being altered along with the rest of humanity? Why does violence appeal to us? Is it like sex, just a primal force of nature that our higher level cognitive powers haven’t learned to deal with. It seems that we crave violence, like sex, drugs and rock and roll. But, unlike sex, aggression is not a drive in humans. Sure there might have been evolutionary reasons for aggressive behavior to protect territory, but is it really necessary now? Perhaps, we see violence as a prelude to death. Pushed and pulled, drawing us in towards our warlike nature. In the U.S. alone child abuse occurs about every 10 seconds. We have the highest rates of youth homicides and suicides in the industrialized world. School shootings and mass shootings have sadly become commonplace. Americans are more than seven times as likely to be murdered than in the largest industrialized countries. We spend more of our tax revenue on defense, weapons, and wars than all countries combined. We spend more on prisons than on education, emphasizing the punishment instead of the cause. See the patterns? And I don’t know if there is a violence watching threshold. Are we getting close to the point where we have no reaction to watched violence? Denial of the effects of media violence is partly due to psychological reactance, which states that the more forbidden the fruit, the more attractive it is, the more we seek it, and the angrier we get towards those that would deny it. I’m not about censorship or restricting artistic freedom. But to what detail do we need to see death, to get the point. We are a violent and bloodthirsty people. We justify the bloodbath, by some type of screwed up divine sanction. Manifest destiny, or preservers of freedom, vindication or justice, sanctimonious crusades, we take our wrath out in blood. And we model it in our art. Then we wonder about violence in our world. Violence in our words, our actions, we eat drink and sleep violence. Our heroes are vampire sucking, life-destroying robots of violence. In fact, we equate good with righteous violence. As HSMs we need to aid in tamping down the violence in our sphere of influence. Perhaps, taking more care with our children in monitoring or sanctioning violent media viewing. If you are teachers, counselors, therapist, ministers or others in the helping professions, use your opportunities wisely to offer suggestions to caregivers and parents about the effects of violent media watching on children and adults. We can lead efforts to offer guidelines, based in part on our sensibilities to the media themselves for acceptable levels of dramatic aggression that serves a dramatic purpose without sensationalizing extreme blood, mutilation or gore. This should be gentle guidance, not out and out restrictive suggestions. We react differently to violence than non-HSPs, we do more feeling, thinking, recounting and I would say more reviewing with emotion and arousal. Maybe some throttling is in order to offer our wise counsel. Others may enjoy or thrill to the exploitative violence in the media, much like a teenager thrills at a joy ride in a stolen car. But repeated exposure, with the consequences sinking unconscious and manifesting in unsavory ways, is something that we as a society must guard against. Watch the news, read a paper, listen to the radio. It’s already happening. Alex: It's funny how the colors of the real world only seem really real when you viddy them on the screen. From: A Clockwork Orange References:
A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Clarence: You see, George, you've really had a wonderful life. Don't you see what a mistake it would be to throw it away? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ George Bailey: Dear Father in heaven, I'm not a praying man, but if you're up there and you can hear me [begins crying] George Bailey: show me the way... show me the way. From: It’s a Wonderful Life Lately, I’ve been talking about the intense feelings that HSPs can have. Part of that is developing healthy coping skills in dealing with these strong feelings. Men, especially in this country have been socialized to suppress their feelings in order to appear more “manly.” Yet, contrary to all evidence, suppressing feelings is not healthy at all. In fact, it may be contributing to the leading cause of suicide among middle-aged and older men. It had me thinking that there could be an intersection between some men, who are HSP, that are also older and have been socialized to keep feelings under wrap that may be contributing to an unhealthy sense of hopelessness or helplessness. Learned helplessness is a learned behavior to act or behave helplessly even when there is power to change the harmful or unpleasant circumstance. This behavior contributes to depression and depression, in turn, contributes to suicide. Depression is the leading cause of suicide. With ten percent of the population reporting feelings of sadness, six percent reporting feelings of hopelessness and five percent reporting a sense of worthlessness, it can easily seem like these factors are contributing to our nation’s depression epidemic. Women are more likely to be sad than men and singles more so than those that are partnered. Women have a two to one ratio for depression in most developing countries, although research shows that men and women have comparable levels of depression, but express it differently. Nevertheless, men’s suicide rates are higher than women. In spite of the fact that 70% of suicides are caused by the wide umbrella of depression and that women report higher incidences of depression, actual suicides are a staggering 4: 1 in favor of men. This rate of suicide in men increases with age. It’s worth noting, yet not surprising, that men seldom seek help for depression. Women are more likely to seek help. Women tend to ruminate on depression, holding it inward, whereas men tend to act (externalize) depression with drink and risky behavior. Suicide rates are higher with men over 50. Interestingly, low population states show higher suicide rates as do military personnel, LGBTQ communities and those suffering in chronic pain. There is some genetic tendency toward suicidal behavior, i.e., the Hemingways. Whether there is genetics at play or that this is learned behavior seems debatable. Edwin Schneidman, a noted psychologist, proposed a suicide model in which the victims tend towards unbearable psychological pain, isolation and a persistent perception that death is the only solution. Of course, there are other contributing factors – loneliness, bullying, discrimination, and separation from family, especially men as non-custodial parents. The upshot of all of this is that depression, helplessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness contribute to feelings which might lead to suicide. And, men who are desperate are often the ones who act on this. And what about us highly sensitive people?Would it seem HSPs, and in particular, highly sensitive men, are any more likely to reach that tipping point, born out of desperation? Is there any evidence that would suggest that due to intense emotional processing, and or with the added factor of additional mental health issues, that HSMs are at a higher risk for suicide? According to Dr. Tracy Cooper, HSPs are prone to depressive and anxious thinking due to a more elaborate depth of processing in their thinking. This thinking can lead to bouts of depression and sadness. But does that put HSMs at more risk of suicidal behavior? In Dr. Cooper’s blog, he references Dr. Thomas Joiner who has reformulated the major causes of suicide for predictive purposes. These causes are framed to highlight the weighted burden men often experience when helplessness and hopelessness set in. It is many ways a reflection of the unrealistic expectations men often shoulder in silence. Dr. Joiner’s list of criteria consists of the following: 1) a sense of not belonging or being alone, possibly because men often fear ridicule or shame for sharing feelings considered unmanly, 2) a sense of not contributing or of being a burden. In our current economic climate, men can feel as though they do not contribute as much financially as in previous eras creating a sense of guilt, and 3) finally, Dr. Joiner suggests that one must have the capability for suicide, the will to die, to override the evolutionary urge to survive, and the willingness to act. Even as research shows that the suicidal intention is transient and fleeting, there may be that moment in time, as Dr. Elaine Aron says, that the thought, played with, becomes an accidental action, and one breaches the portal of death. Dr. Aron, speaking specifically to HSPs shows some optimism for the HSP population in regard to suicide. She suggests because of the HSP depth of processing of feelings, our sometimes rampant perfectionism, the fact that HSPs are often bullied because of our uniqueness, and at some level can build a fed up attitude we harbor towards our sensitivity, causes that would otherwise turn others towards dark depression. This may be thwarted in HSPs due to our natural empathy, caution and willingness to think things through before acting. This may keep HSPs from following through on such a permanent and drastic measure. Yet, I wonder, does Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS), the prominent trait of HSPs, create opportunities for HSPs to experience difficulties in processing deep-seeded or highly emotional trauma, i.e., PTSD? Conversely are HSPs any better suited to handle the emotional overwhelm , something that we routinely experience, and are we more likely to share the deep, dark feelings with others? Do HSPs, perhaps, more so than the general population seek out help, including highly sensitive men, when needed to avert something catastrophic like suicide. I have not been able to find specific research supporting this, but feel comfortable assuming there is some degree of truth to that. What could be a soft crack in the above resilience hypothesis of sensitive men, might be where HSM men over sixty suffering traits suggested by Dr. Joiner, who may not be aware of their SPS traits and may labor with archaic male role models. Regardless of their awareness of their sensitivity, and by that, I mean acceptance of it, they may hold their feelings in private to seem more masculine and yet suffer deeply within and not connect with others. As research has shown, if they had been raised in negative environments as children, the overall effect could be compounded. With negative copings skills and low self-esteem, this could dovetail quickly into a serious situation. While acknowledging the seriousness of talk about suicide, which may seem like attention seeking behavior, you cannot assume that the individual is not capable of the act. If you know of someone that is showing these behaviors listed below, or if you are displaying these, get help immediately:
Suicide is always a failed strategy in lieu of better coping skills. A fatalistic approach to life is a failure to comprehend, the value of every life. It is failed thinking, spurred by deep and often unconscious programming, the result of unfortunate learning or experiences. These can be remedied with professional help. Seek out help if you are even contemplating suicide. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. Footnote: In recent times, we have just witnessed two high profile over 60 males who committed suicide. Robin Williams suffered from Lewy Body Dementia, a disease that causes multiple perplexing physical and psychological problems. The net result of confusion, helplessness, and depression led to his actions. I suspect that Mr. Williams was an HSP, but I have no way of verifying that. He was a thoughtful, sensitive, and gentle man-- that could easily be observed. I can’t imagine his suffering, the consternation of watching his world crumble before him and dealing with those complex feelings of helplessness. Like many, I do miss his brilliance and his talent. Anthony Bourdain was suffering from depression, according to accounts, with a reported desire to die. Yet, he shouldered a “strong man” mentality, never asking for help. He suffered in many ways, alone, as many men do. Suicide is largely a male problem. Without knowing him, despite his caustic and street tough exterior, I suspect he was at his core a gentle, thoughtful man. His support of the #MeToo movement would suggest great empathy. I will also, miss his lusty appreciation of great food and great culture and his dry wit. Perhaps, as we begin to redefine what maleness means, we can open doors to those who unwittingly lock themselves behind the dungeon doors of an old archaic definition of masculinity. We are not stoics; we are not Spartans, nor Samurai – death by the blade or poison or violent leaps is not an honorable death. Our wrongful thoughts and concepts, fueled by emotion kill us. They can be changed but must be brought to the surface. By coming clean with our deepest emotions, we can then define who we are and what we wish to be. Let the movement begin. Clarence: Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he? From: It’s a Wonderful Life References:
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AuthorBill Allen currently lives in Bend, Oregon. He is a certified hypnotist and brain training coach at BrainPilots.com. He believes that male sensitivity is not so rare, but it can be confounding for most males living in a culture of masculine insensitivity which teaches boys and men to disconnect from their feelings and emotions. His intent is to use this blog to chronicle his personal journey and share with others. Archives
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