A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
 
Sensitivity in men is often criticized, sometimes by well-meaning but misinformed individuals and sometimes from those who have a distorted view of what constitutes masculinity.  Boys are often socialized not to be sensitive or to play their sensitivity down. This causes many young men to shy away from the acceptance of their sensitive traits. When telling others, especially other men, about your sensitivity, you will find you that you will have to defend yourself against criticism. I listed a few of the more common areas you will find yourself having to defend and how you might approach this defense.  
          
# 1 – Not Being Tough Enough – Premise: Because of your sensitivity, you are not seen as being tough enough. What does tough enough mean anyway? This overused criticism of sensitive men is often used to put HSMs in a category that is decidedly non-masculine. Being tough means the ability to handle difficult and trying situations stoically and without emotion.  Fine. But, to do so under all circumstances is rather stupid. Emotion is a human trait and one in which suppression is counterproductive.  

What is the hidden message behind this criticism? For one, sensitivity is seen as a weakness in men. Any man that displays emotion freely or is intuitive or nurturing is seen as being effeminate and thus non-masculine. It is a form of emotional suppression in men and an attempt at subjugation to an archaic man code.

Defense: Emotion is a human quality, unless you have transcended your humanity, you will experience and show emotion regularly. Suppressing emotional expression is harmful to humans, and therefore unhealthy and unproductive. The notion that men are to always be in control, unemotional, and never wrong is not acknowledging that we all have our weaknesses. Not seeing weaknesses-- is a weakness. Allowing emotional expression has an evolutionary purpose, and therefore is a good thing. Doing so does not make you weak, effeminate, or untough.

#2 – Taking Criticism –   Premise: Not being able to take criticism makes you weak and wimpy. HSPs have a rough time with criticism, especially if it is personal and unconstructive. We take personal criticism to heart mainly because we are thoughtful and conscientious creatures. However, criticism is a natural part of life; it is a feedback mechanism that, when done correctly, can be constructive and useful to help us grow. When receiving criticism, we need to evaluate and compare the criticism, evaluate it for valuable nuggets, and compare the criticism to useful criticism we have received in the past.  Learning to accept constructive criticism, however painful, is a path to personal growth. Consider the source of the criticism and note whether they have your best interest at heart.  If it does not appear constructive, reject it, and realize that there may be another agenda at play.

Defense: We HSMs have a right to reject unsupportive or destructive criticism, personal attacks, and insults. At some point, we have the right to push back. We need to learn to distance emotionally from the attacker and not assimilate the negative emotion.  By not accepting the destructive criticism, we are rejecting the attacker, depriving them of the paltry emotional benefit of momentary dominance.

#3 – Toxic Masculinity – Premise: Because of your sensitivity, you are not man enough, and therefore are subject to dominance by other Toxic Masculines (TM).  Current adherence to the toxic masculinity culture that pervades our society has become a social disease. Look around, it is everywhere, in social media, sports, politics, business, and entertainment. Reject that definition of masculinity and don’t incorporate that into your self-image. Toxic men will look to single you out and subordinate you, either through intimidation or faux dominance. They will challenge your masculinity and try to call you out as a lesser man. Don’t take the bait.

These TMs are the ones who are insecure and have doubts about their masculinity, which often can be traced to early learned development models, typically from a dysfunctional parent. It does not matter their station in life, corporate robber baron, elite athlete, bullying boss, or authoritarian leader; they will all have this underlying insecurity. There is nothing inherently superior about them over you. 

Defense: Masculinity is a culturally defined characteristic. You are a man by biological definition. You can define your gender role. Masculinity can be many things: strong, protective, assertive, or nurturing, compassionate, and emotional. All these traits are human. Don’t allow TMs to define who you are. Strive to be human first. You owe no allegiance to an ill-fitting definition of masculinity.  You do owe it to yourself to be yourself. Stand and be resolute.

#4 – Sensitivity – Premise:  We HSMs are often criticized for being too sensitive, which generally translates into too emotional. Some men are emotion averse. They see emotion as a bad and fickle thing, especially in men. Sensitivity is a multi-faceted trait. It’s not just about emotion but equally about the quality of sensory processing and the depth at which it is processed internally. This spurs insights, intuition, compassion, and yes, emotion. Modern men are evolving, our roles are expanding, and some of the long-held roles men have held sacred are now being challenged or shared with females.

 We should look at these old models for men and rethink them, considering our current times.  I do believe that we are moving towards more androgynous times, which by my definition is that we all males and females should strive to be more human, less gender-specific, and more in line with our personal preferences.

​Defense: Explore your insights. You have great intuition due to your sensitivity. This is a gift. We can nuance more sensory information from the environment, and that makes us valuable. Externalize more of your insights. Allow your depth of processing to bring you creative ideas and solutions. The world values sensitive creation from adroit thinking and the crafting of novel ideas. Realize it takes a lot of diversity to make a healthy world. You are part of that.

#5 –Focus on the Positive Aspects (see the good qualities) – Premise: See your sensitivity as a positive, define it as such and share that with others. This is a proactive step and one that doesn’t require defensive posturing. Remain adaptable to fit uncomfortable situations, yet, never abandon your core values. Highlight with others your empathy and compassion. Be patient with those that don’t understand the complexity of sensitivity. Use humor and gentle kindness to make your points; all humans respond to that. Finally, show and be awareness for others that criticize you. Criticism often comes from a place of fear and misunderstanding. Be the light.
 
 

A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
 
 You don’t have to look very far to find negativity around everywhere. Highly Sensitive People seem to have a unique sense of picking up negativity in the environment. Perhaps, it is a keen nuanced sense of emotion floating about us, or maybe a collective receptor for sensing people’s moods, but we always seem to know when an environment is harmful or toxic. The problem with that is that we tend to internalize the negativity and hold it inward for too long, causing us issues emotionally and physically if we don’t find ways of detoxifying quickly energy that will alter our internal moods. Here are some hacks for releasing and letting go of negativity – something every HSP should know and be adept at doing.  

# 1 – Mindfulness Practice – Some of our emotional reactivity is learned behavior and can become automatic at the trigger of negativity inputs. To prevent this automatic loop from running on autopilot, you must first become consciously aware of the triggers and the subsequent behaviors that follow the triggers. One way of breaking the loop is to become mindful of your mind/body reaction to the trigger. You will feel the response in your body as well as in your mind. This should be a clue to the intensity of the negativity by the reaction in your mind/body. By being aware of the trigger, you can “thought lock” the response by consciously overriding the reaction with a calming reaction. This takes practice and time, but in time will rewire your brain for a more neutral reaction to the stimulus.  Remember, mindfulness is awareness. And awareness provides choices in blind spots you had before.

#2 –Isolate the Rumination  –  Once you find yourself in a rumination moment, where you continuously rehash the event/trigger needlessly and incessantly – you by way of awareness, can isolate the feelings associated with that trigger. Consider it like fencing off a rogue bull from the herd. Instead of allowing these repetitive thoughts, to spread around your consciousness, wreaking havoc, you can isolate and fence off the negative ones. You can even use the imagery of fencing off the negative thoughts if that makes It more real for you. By isolating, you are now managing the negativity directly. Isolation of these thoughts is the first step towards releasing them. HSPs are prone to emotional reactivity, and this must be channeled into constructive action, i.e., from overwhelm to resolve.

#3 – Release the Emotion Underlying the Negativity-  Releasing negative thoughts or emotions is an active process and somewhat of an art form. There are many activities, I have suggested in the blog over the years, that are excellent at helping you become mindful and allowing release. Meditation practice is perhaps one of the best.  Finding a meditation practice is an individual choice, but there are many information options online that can help you in choosing. The practice of yoga and Tai Chi are like meditation in motion; the quiet fluidity of careful body movement with breathing installs a calm and peace that is both active and still. They both create a flow state condition that empties the mind and is a perfect place for release.
​Other activities such as neurofeedback training, aerobic exercise, or even digitally enhanced mood-altering music are great ways to prepare your mind for release. Your body will reward you with mood-enhancing endorphins that will help you pass the negativity outward from your mind and body. Releasing is not an act of vulnerability but rather empowerment. Releasing does not mean you have to resolve the negativity; it is merely the act of letting go. This will return to you a state of flow.

#4 – Retreat, Rest, Rejuvenation – In extreme cases of overwhelm, when the above doesn’t work, then downtime is in order. Quarantine (as if you’re not doing enough of that lately) yourself in nature or a special sanctuary that you have created for yourself for a retreat. Surround yourself with self-soothing artifacts and distractions – movies, music, books, hobbies, or passions and indulge yourself in silence. The goal is to seek peace and calm in your soul.  Most HSPs know how to do retreat natively, so this should be a familiar activity or non-activity. Rest and recharge. Self-isolate.  You have permission.

#5 –Talk with Empathetic Souls – Do not hold this inside you! There is a time when talking to an empathetic soul is imperative. Externalize your thoughts with trusted family and friends and seek a measure of validation of your assumptions and concerns. You may be blowing the negativity way out of proportion, so seek some confirmation. This will help you confirm or refute your feelings and help you formulate constructive actions.

#6 – Practice Peace and Calm, Serenity Living – Quieting the mind for HSPs is work. I mean real work. Yet doing so via practice and repetition will teach you to discipline your mind to manage erratic emotions, which often lead to overwhelm. This practice will train you for dealing with negative onslaughts, the kind that is quite common these days. Imagine that you are becoming a mental Aikido master. You fend off negative attacks by flowing with the energy that is opposing you. You take that energy and let it flow through you, not at you. Imagine you move in mindful motion with the attacker and disarm this energy by using that momentum to pass by you. You disarm it with mental Aikido, steps you learned above.

#7 –Be Selective in Your Environmental Choices – The environment we choose to be in, is highly reflective of how much negativity we must cope with. Choose your companions wisely. You may not always be able to avoid negative people, but you should not consciously seek them out. It is real work to deal with negativity in people and will drain you of your resources. Additionally, be where you are most energized and feel flow. The places you allow yourself in can make a huge difference in your productivity. Be where you are most natural. Finally, surround yourself with peace and calm emitting amenities. A pleasant environment means a mind/body calm.

#8 – Recognize that You are Different in a Good Way – We HSPs have different sensibilities. It comes with the territory. Some of it is sensory, some of it is intuitive, and some of it is HSP logic. We all need to learn to accept ourselves and embrace the gift of high sensitivity. Use it to enlighten, educate, and to uplift others. Spread positivity to negate the negativity. Refuse to believe or see sensitivity as a weakness. 

A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
 
 One of the most critical areas of life is the work that we do. Many people fall into work without much thought using external factors to drive career decisions. And, for the most part, this works for a large segment of the population. However, I contend that HSPs need to be more careful about choosing their right livelihood and making sure employment is not only gratifying but also feels comfortable and is compatible with our sensibilities. With that in mind, I caution all HSPs to be selective and cautious in selecting employment. If you are employed, here are a few items that might suggest you are in the WRONG place to work.  

# 1 – Wrong Environment – If the workplace you are in is too competitive and aggressive, likely you will not be comfortable. There is an edginess about places that stress dog eat dog work behavior that doesn’t feel right for most HSPs. If the environment is too crowded, i.e., cubicle farms, open workspace, and not offering space for respite, this will work against your need for solitude and thoughtfulness. Some work areas are too loud and noisy; not only is this distracting, but it can also grate on your nerves and make work uncomfortable. Perhaps the pace of the work is too demanding.

The speed will run counter to your natural conscientiousness and does not allow you to take your time in producing your best work. Some work environments are too bright, with harsh lighting or harbor distinctive strong smells that may cause you to react viscerally and be uncomfortable. Although you can try to ask for some accommodation, you can’t expect a complete remodel of the environment to suit you. Better to look for a place that matches your needs.

#2 – Wrong Manager – A good manager is a real key to workplace success. They provide a utility to enhancing work, facilitating you to be your best; they make you look good, and best of all, they fit your needs. One of the most challenging things for HSPs is to handle criticism. Most managers I have met in my career have not been adequately trained in giving constructive criticism. It is an art that alludes most. Many managers are too critical or hypercritical, which will turn off most HSPs and will often make us wilt, stifling our growth at work.

These managers can be too driven; Type A personalities who will run over you and are way too demanding. These types are usually not very empathetic and could care less about work/life balance for you. You will be miserable. Lastly, although, this is an often overused and misunderstood term, some managers can be like a narcissist, it’s all about them. Your job will be to make them look good, and if you don’t, there’s hell to pay.

#3 – Wrong Teammates- Much like the manager having the right teammates, can make a huge difference in your work experience and success. Now, it’s not likely you will have all teammates meet your compatibility needs but having a few good co-workers does make a difference. Studies have shown that having a best friend at work enhances your work engagement, which serves both you and your employer.

Like the manager and the work environment, teammates that are unempathetic, ultra-competitive, backstabbing, and catty or are intrusive and loud, will make the situation problematic for most HSPs. You will work more closely with your team than anyone else, and, this can make or break a work environment, so in looking for right employment understand that certain types of work draw certain kinds of people, so “if you don’t want to get ate, don’t swim in the shark’s house.”

#4 – Wrong Career Path / Field – This one almost goes without saying and can be one of your first clues. I worked in Information Technology for over thirty years. It was not my ideal career, and as a result, I suffered for it.  If you are just starting out in a career, it will behoove you to put a lot of emphasis here. Bad career matches are like bad marriages; people often stick them out even if it is inherently toxic.

​Whatever you decide, don’t work in a field to meet someone else’s expectations (parents’, spouse’s, or societal). You will never be happy neglecting your needs, so the sooner you give that up, the better. If you are working only for extrinsic rewards, like money, status, power, but you hate what you are doing, you need to do some serious soul searching. In this case, the price is greater than the reward.  

#5 – Does not employ your strengths – We all have individual talents, which is vital for us to explore and use. Still, as HSPs, we all have certain core strengths, such as our creativity, empathy, depth of processing (I see this as slow churn problem-solving skills) our intelligence, both cognitive and emotional, and our sensitivity. For most of us, finding work that maximizes all these talents will be challenging. But it’s not impossible. To get there, you may have to work in less than ideal conditions, but by planning a long-range strategy, you can get there with strategic moves, always keeping the prize in mind.

#6 – Does not challenge you in the right ways – The ideal work environment will challenge you to expand your comfort zone in manageable chunks to provide for optimum growth. Flow state is achieved when we are moderately challenged within our talent framework, and a sense of intense focus and concentration is achieved. Don’t shirk the opportunity to grow by taking on challenges. Another critical factor is that your work environment allows you a certain amount of autonomy, while still providing some structure for you to work your best.
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#7 – Work that crushes your soul – Soul crushing work is felt very deep within. There is no pleasure in work; there is only dread. Each day is about surviving, only to have to get up the next morning and repeat the process. The work may go against your ethics or morals, it may go innately against your HSP nature, or it may create some internal existential crisis. It happens. My advice is to leave. Your life is worth more than that. 

​A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
 
Throughout my life, I have learned many things about being a highly sensitive man. I have chronicled many of them in my upcoming book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconditional Defense for Highly Sensitive Men. I’m still learning, every day, every year. Nevertheless, some standout, forming a new code of acceptance within me of this highly valuable and misunderstood trait. Here’s seven of the most obvious.   
       
# 1 – Embrace the difference – As an HSM, you need to come to grips with your sensitivity. Embracing your differences is the first step to accepting your highly sensitive nature and recognizing that the differences are useful, positive, and necessary. You will stand out sometimes, you will be different than non-HSP males, and do that without apologizing. I believe that there are trends towards more sensitivity and sensitivity awareness in all men.

#2 – You have a Purpose – Dr. Elaine Aron’s, the leading authority on high sensitivity, believes that HSPs are evolutionarily necessary for the species. We provide a thoughtfulness and caution to counterbalance our more impulsive fellow men (and women). We can be the wise counsel to leaders and be thought leaders for others to emulate. Our sensitivity is not a sentence but more of a calling. In finding our voice, we find our purpose. Your purpose fits in this model, with the scope defined by you.

#3 – Learning to deal with overwhelm- Overwhelm or overwhelming emotion is one of the trademark signs of HSPs. We process so much data and emotion that often we find that we are immersed in tidal waves of input that can seem debilitating. As an HSM, you must learn to deal with this and find methods to “detox” your system if the overwhelm is too high. There are many ways to relax and self-soothe. In doing so, you can turn off the world for periods of time. Meditation, mindfulness, and flow state immersion, such as work on a passion, can help with this issue.

#4 – Defining the new male – Today, male role models are changing. I like to think of this as a quiet evolution. Men are taking back what it means to be masculine and reshaping it to fit our current cultural milieu. Evolution is adaptation and as an HSP male, modeling the adaptation, towards something you are natural at, will help others expand masculine definitions. There is a growing movement afoot, and you can be part of that. Look for it and pay attention; it may find you.

#5 – Feeling is good – We HSMs must be okay with expressing our fluid emotions and strong feelings. We need to let go of the old model of the Stoic and expressionless male. Bottled up emotions are toxic and can cause emotional turmoil and physical illness. Remember that emotion is a human trait, and all of us are humans first.

#6 – Be human first – Yes, we are all humans first, males and females. The human genome is vast and expansive in traits and characteristics. We all fit on that spectrum somewhere. Always strive to be a good human first, anchor in on the human characteristics that are not gender bound. Gender role options are fluid; being human is not. Take comfort in your humanity. Being an HSP is a point on that spectrum, your other traits show up on different locations of the line. Taken as a whole, you are complicated and variegated, brilliant and multi-faceted, yet always human.
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#7 – You are not alone – Know this, there are many here among us with this trait. You are not alone. Awareness is the key, and self-awareness is the lock. If you struggle with your sensitivity- find help. If you don’t, give help. Start by educating yourself on the trait. Wield your new-found power with the force of water, shape gently the world around you; even the hardest rock will yield.