 A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Do you remember the last time you were in an argument? How did it go? How did you feel after the argument/disagreement ended? Did you feel heard? Did you get overly emotional or discombobulated? Were you able to defend your position or at least feel you made your point? Or did you feel like your arguing skills were lacking? Probably about a day later, you had thoughts about how you could have taken a position that would have gotten your point across. Perhaps, you thought too late about a clever retort that might have helped you save face in the argument. You may have been bullied into a concession that you didn't want to make. That doesn't feel good. I have often wondered if it was only me or are other HSPs lousy at verbal encounters, especially the ones that get heated. It's like our brains get scrambled with emotion, conflicting signals, and as I said in an earlier post, it went right to fight or flight mode, without any thought, logic, or reason. How do we as HSPs get better at verbal confrontation? Not so much to conquer our opponents but rather to be heard, make salient points, stay genuine and authentic and not turn into emotional cannons, sometimes firing blanks. Can we train our HSP brains to be better at persuasive and unemotional arguments and not get so damn frazzled? I think the answer is yes. It takes some practice, some knowledge, and the willingness to slow down thoughts in our brains. Let's look at a few ways we can learn to master the art of verbal self-defense and construct better arguments in our discussions with others. Suzette Haden Elgin and The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense In the 80s, Suzette Haden Elgin wrote a book about verbal self-defense and how to defend against verbal attacks. The book was called The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense. Before the term Highly Sensitive Person was coined, Elgin wrote this book for those of us HSPs and others who found themselves often lacking in verbal self-defense skills. A more perfect book could not have been written for many HSPs' troubles in dealing with verbal assaults. The book's premise was to teach others how to defend against eight common types of verbal violence and defuse and deflect potential verbal confrontations. Elgin was a linguist, author, and professor at the University of California at San Diego and understood the significance of language, body language, and tone in verbal confrontations. What does a gentle verbal self-defense strategy look like? Understanding how our brain functions under the stress of heated arguments is necessary for comprehending why the sometimes hyped-up emotional brain of HSPs works under fire. When we get into confrontational situations, our brains activate the amygdala, which kicks in the fight or flight response. This mode instinctively bypasses the thinking brain. The brain then pumps epinephrine and norepinephrine, hormones that will ignite that feeling of rushing emotion. The heart kicks in, preparing to run or fight, which causes blood pressure to rise, and stress starts to peak. Your breathing quickens, your voice changes pitch, and muscles tighten. At this point, many HSPs begin to panic. The brain is overwhelmed with stressful signals, and logical thoughts scramble. Keeping up with the verbal assault seems impossible as we absorb slight after slight, not quite sure how to respond. We often freeze in an unstoppable visceral reaction. How do we get past this or, better yet, prevent it? How can we set personal boundaries for ourselves and watch for the communication triggers that set off this panicked response? First, we must understand what the triggers are for us. Is it a subtle backhanded comment, backstabbing, or is it more direct, such as yelling, belittling, or abject name-calling? Are you threatened when the attack is too physical, such as violating your space or aggressive posturing? All of these can lead to the triggers that set off the panic response. To move forward with a defense, one must understand how to identify those individuals or situations that incite these hurtful or threatening feelings. Next, we must train ourselves in how to respond to these triggering situations and stay calm. Finally, we must be prepared, even in advance, for knowing what to say in response to threats. These actions will keep us calm and in control. That is the key to controlling panic. Elgin concludes that avoiding hostile verbal exchanges is a matter of both physical and mental health. We all often react without listening to what the other is saying; this causes a mental leap to conclusions, which only escalates the emotion. When nobody's listening, nobody is getting heard. Our natural inclination is to attack back, plead or debate the attack – none of which effectively work under panic mode. We only give the attacker more fuel by employing these strategies. Giving them attention by continued heated engagement is not going to deescalate the situation. The four basic rules she posits are 1) know that you are under attack (you'll know this best by how you feel), 2) know what kind of attack you are facing, 3) know how to make your defense fit the attack and finally, 4) know how to follow through. Strategies include avoiding the situation or person that likely baits you into a confrontation. Once engaged, you can withdraw or ignore the attacker. You can deflect the attacker by changing topics or offer a compromise. Elgin offers several psychological devices, including matching sensory modes with the attacker. People often use sensory language to engage with others. If possible, match the attacker's language style, whether visual, auditory, or kinesthetic. This strategy may not avoid the argument, but it may cause the discussion not to escalate. Watch out for baiting presuppositions in the attacker's statements. Often, they are tied to an outcome that may have no direct relationship to the argument. "If you loved me, you'd take out the trash." The best response is to dismantle the condition, "if you loved me," by stating that you do love the person, letting the condition fall to the wayside. Some of Elgin's other suggestions have to do with staying calm, watching body language for important emotional clues, ignoring presuppositions and conditions, and focusing on two primary strategies: not feeding the attack with attention and responding to emotion with logic, which she calls Computer mode. The training comes in when you learn how not to take attacks personally. For HSPs, emotional overreaction is a natural reaction and inflates our empathy mechanisms. Doing exercises to help keep your brain calm allows the brain to avoid jumping directly into flight or fight mode. This keeps your thinking brain in the game. Learning to pause after the initial attack is critical. Let the energy flow over you and through you – be quiet and wait. Listen attentively, then pause. When you do speak, speak humbly. Make a reciprocal offer after you understand their position. Be selective about the battles you choose and avoid battlegrounds; they have a way of generating fights. If you can get to flow state in the discussion, you will have a greater chance of finding compromise or understanding. By staying calm, you will see things sequentially versus random arrays of disparate thoughts to cloud your thinking—no more scrambled egg arguments. Say less, hear more. Often you can avoid the fray just by being quieter. Bullies want to fight. By ignoring the invitation, you deprive them of that opportunity and you win. Learn to avoid fights that you can't win; these are often fights with manipulators, narcissists, or strangers who have no emotional investment in you. Calm your ego. You mustn't or shouldn't take on all comers. Walking away can be a quiet win. When you do argue, at least do it logically. Paul Graham and His Hierarchy of Argument Paul Graham, a computer scientist, and essayist laid out a model for logical arguments that stacks argument styles into a pyramid, from the lowliest emotional name-calling at the base and at the apex a rational refutation of the central point of your attacker. It is an outline of learning to move from meanness to logical, rational debate. The hierarchy is worth noting for those of us who prefer not to live in the emotional world of ad hominin attacks. The method requires that you listen to your opponent and discern their central point. Ferret through the emotional crap and get to the core of the argument. Do not attack, name call, or retaliate the tone of the opponent. Instead, respond to the argument's substance, don't counter without proof, do not argue in general terms, but be specific, regardless of their emotional baiting. Stay with the central point. This method requires discipline and focus. You may even frustrate them with your logic and calm (remember Spock and Dr. McCoy in Star Trek). It becomes less about winning and more about learning and exchanging ideas. This is a case where less emotion can be better. It's worth considering, especially for us HSPs. Please share your thoughts in the comment section.
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 A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
One of the common misperceptions about Highly Sensitive People is that they make poor if not reluctant leaders. It's not that they don't have the chops to be good leaders; it's more like they would rather avoid the hassles of leadership altogether and get on with their work in a solitary and workmanlike manner. There are challenges for HSPs in leadership positions, especially in high-profile and large organizations. The weight from enormous pressure, the constant bombardment of expectations, and the steady flux of amplified and dynamic objectives would overwhelm almost anyone and could easily drown an HSP. The drain of our energy, the hassles of always dealing with people, and the weight of managing would seem to erode our strength. It’s no wonder many HSPs shy away from leadership roles. Besides, the traditional industrial leadership models of the 19th and 20th centuries, with its' adherence to top-down authority, would have little appeal to highly sensitive people who would prefer more egalitarian and cooperative methods of leading others. The latter half of the twentieth century began to see the implementation and development of more humanistic leadership styles, styles that would be more authentic, empathetic, and appealing to HSPs. Today, more companies follow these new leadership models that would make it easier for HSPs to become effective and compassionate leaders. Let's look at some of the options available and compare them to the older traditional models. What are the options? First, traditional styles or top-down models of leadership emphasize a more autocratic and perhaps more bureaucratic model for leadership. These types of leadership styles place enormous focus on the top of the leadership chain. The boss is the boss. Autocratic styles focus on the person at the top who generally has command and control of the whole enterprise. The focus here is on results and efficiency – very machine-like. On the other extreme -Laissez-faire or hands-off management styles, while seemingly giving more control to the workers, delegates the results to others while providing little or no supervision. This style depends on accountability, creativity, and autonomy. Many HSPs might find the delegation part appealing, but this may create distance between the leader and the employees, not fostering rapport with the leader. Like managing from a castle turret, surveying the serfs plow the fields in the distance below the disconnect would be obvious to HSPs. The Pacesetter leadership model is a performance and goal-oriented leadership style, which can be pushy and lead to stressed-out staff. The emphasis on fast-paced results and hard-driving staff objectives. Do you see a pattern here? More focus on the goal and less on staff wellbeing and empathy. Again a less compassionate style of management. Still, another performance-oriented leadership model is the transactional leadership model. If you like to micromanage, you are into the corporate structure, focused on metrics, and like staying focused on short-term objectives; this might be your style. However, I suspect many HSPs wouldn't like this either. The above management styles are more traditional, emphasizing top-down management, not very receptive or open, not very emotionally aware, and certainly not focused on staff wellbeing. These styles don't appeal to creative thinking or real independence, out-of-the-box thinking, or as one CIO I had worked for once said, 'following forward' thinking. These traditional styles are more tactical, short term, lack supportiveness, and empathy. They are more “me boss, you employee”, which means what the boss says is the law, and you had best be compliant and obedient. Perhaps, a gross oversimplification, but still lacking heart. Newer More Open Styles of Leadership (Humanistic) The newer leadership styles focus on a more democratic, participative, and more cooperative leadership style that I think would appeal to more HSPs. These styles range from Transformational Leadership models, Servant Styles of leadership, and Authentic Leadership models. Transformational Leadership Style This style of leadership is all about inspiring your teams to achieve and reach their untapped potential. As the name implies, it is about transforming and exceeding team expectations and perceptions of their capabilities. This leadership style often requires a charismatic leader who invokes inspiring goals, energizes the team by example, and provides challenging objectives. These leaders often maintain high ideals of ethics and morality, cooperation and harmony, authenticity, and freedom of choice. All the outcomes of this style would promote an environment that would play well with HSPs, although I wonder if this is a leadership style that many HSPs might adopt. The energy levels needed to keep the team inspired might challenge many low energy HSPs, and the drain emotionally could be problematic. Servant Style Leadership The next leadership style is perhaps the most empathetic of the leadership styles surveyed, Servant Leadership. In Servant Leadership, the leader's primary goal, not surprisingly, is to serve. The servant leader puts the employees first, creates an environment for employee development, and encourages them to perform at their best. This management style was pioneered by Robert K. Greenleaf, who was inspired in an almost spiritual way to create this model by making the leader the servant of the team. The theory is that the team will be inspired by and motivated to serve themselves, thus creating an environment of service, each helping the other. Terms often associated with this leadership style are altruistic, healing, wisdom, stewardship, honesty, trust, integrity, and empowerment. Now we are getting into the wheelhouse of HSPs. This empathetic and compassionate model results seem to impact employee life, goal achievement, success, and, most importantly, engagement. Most impressive about this model is the effect on the environment – a receptive, open, and accepting work landscape. What are the qualities that make an excellent Servant leader? The ability to listen and show great empathy, promote healing and awareness, use persuasion instead of coercion, promote a long-term vision, show intuition and foresight. The servant leader is a steward of the organization, committed to the staff's growth and edification, and works to build community. Wow! Where do I sign up? Authentic Leadership Style Another new leadership style is called Authentic leadership. I like this already. Authentic leaders are positive individuals that display self-awareness, transparency, balance, and a consistent moral foundation that influences decisions and actions. Authentic leaders tend to be more optimistic and display hope and resiliency. Authentic leaders often take the strategic view of goals (vision), maintain a steady helming of the organization, show a certain impeccability of character, know themselves and their values, and strip bare to be transparent as possible to those they lead. These core values represent integrity and open communication. They lead by example. Authentic leadership seems to me to more a personal style of accountability than an organizational steering model. I like it as an HSP because it embodies the characteristics, I aspire to myself. Perhaps the model of attributes an authentic leader needs to motivate and lead a conscious and self-aware organization effectively makes this more appealing to me as an HSP. Taking the Best of Servant and Authentic Styles Both Servant and Authentic leadership models seem more twenty-first century, more modern, more humanistic than the older traditional models. They reflect what I see as HSP values. Perhaps the two are slightly different aspects of a new and, shall I say it – sensitive and empathetic management model. The overlap is quite pronounced. Yet, one seems to empathize the leader's role; the other emphasizes the new style leader's qualities. Both seem right for our times, and both seem right for HSPs. Can HSPs become influential leaders by adopting some of the new empathetic leadership styles? Yes, I do think HSPs can and should be influential leaders. What we do well is to be nurturing, intuitive and empathetic people. Generally, we are excellent in one-on-one situations – coaching and mentoring. But can we step up to leading larger groups of people? As leaders, do we create the environment best for us, or do we gently mold a lousy environment to our liking and others' benefit? In the right places, we thrive; in the wrong environment, we struggle. Yet, I believe influential HSP leaders show up in the right places at the right times. We have all the qualities of authentic leaders. We have the same motivations as the ideal servant leader. The time is now for HSP leaders to arise. Dr. Tracy Cooper refers to this perfect blend of HSP mindset, authenticity, and Servant leadership as Quiet Leadership. He proffers the idea that the time is right for us to take on this role. He is right. To be sure, all HSPs are not inherently leaders, which is fine. No population has all leaders with no followers. And many HSPs, no matter what style of leadership, don't want the hassle that leadership brings. It is, after all, a lot of responsibility and added pressure. But there are many HSPs out there who can make a difference in business, politics, academia, and in life if given the right encouragement. It's just confidence meeting the right environment. Let me end with a few closing notes. One assumption that we see in all these styles is that all that is needed is the right leader, and an organization will miraculously thrive and grow. Even when the leader fosters a supportive environment, the employees must also be willing to buy in, and not all will. Call it organizational cynicism or burnout on new leaders, but a leader and organization dynamic must be in sync and harmony. Another question is that the higher the interpersonal style, the subsequent effectiveness may be influenced by organization size. Smaller organizations may adapt more quickly to the Servant leadership model over larger, more bureaucratic, more diffused environments. Think one leader, many employees, means less direct interaction, less influence. Any of the humanistic models must be authentically emplaced within the organization. That means two downs, three downs, and beyond must be authentic as well. Otherwise, it becomes less real and more "management by airline magazine or mandate from on high." Organizations will see through that immediately. Finally, at the end of the day, like it or not, organizations that are profit-centered must strive for profitability or, as they say, perish. As idealistic as I am, this can't be only about being an awareness retreat. Nobody will be feeling good when the organization goes bankrupt. Business goals must be met, and I don't see that changing any time soon. Nevertheless, there needs to be a blend of business, organization dynamics, and humanity. John Rockefeller meets Carl Rogers. Please share your thoughts in the comment section.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male Oh, how I wish there were a simple, logical, algorithmic formula to discern who we are most compatible with in matters of love. The little heuristic would be a goldmine proposition if it were reliable, valid, and portable. HSPs especially need assistance because we often are too trusting and too empathetic to be objective in finding the perfect match. It's hard to get to the core values of a person, know their heart, and trust they are right in a short time, leading to a deeper emotional commitment. Dating site bios are virtually worthless, as most people (and, yes, I've done this too) pad their life story to make them seem better than they are. Let's face it; it's a marketing ploy we all use. Because HSPs are tenderhearted people and often naïve about love, we are easily duped by potential amours that ultimately don't understand us or use and manipulate us. Although there is now a measure of the Capacity to Love, it is not something you would or should filter through every future date. Yet, the truth is there is no foolproof bullshit detector in love that you can carry like a Geiger counter to detect radioactivity in a potential partner. However, I have found that by creating my personal red flag questionnaire, I can at least hold the love interest through the light of my internal prism and get some measure of whether we might be compatible companions. This list is not comprehensive but might serve as a starting point in considering someone new. You can add to these or craft them more to your individual experience and liking. Question #1 – Can the person you are interested in say, "I'm sorry." (Emotional Maturity) Admitting guilt when making mistakes is a "big" adult thing. It signifies emotional maturity and signals that a person is willing to accept fault to patch up a disagreement. Psychologist Rick Hanson suggests that admitting fault cuts through the ego gesturing, reducing stress and anxiety, allowing moving on to other matters, and showing a commitment to being mindful of the mistake and a willingness to correct it. This critical gesture is essential in relationships, especially for HSPs. We HSPs often take the lead in apologizing for our mistakes in arguments or disagreements. It is a gesture of goodwill and a willingness to bring to an end a messy emotional situation. However, if we are in relationships with others less forthright about guilt admission, this could signal problems later on down the road. The idea of being held hostage to a disagreement means to an immature other that you don't love them and may lead to devaluation of you in their eyes. This situation shapes a conditional love that for HSPs causes us to devalue ourselves. This often leads to gaslighting, shaking confidence in oneself, and doubting the other's love of you. Emotional maturity is vital here. What you are looking for is someone who takes responsibility for their actions. They must have the humility to admit when they are wrong, willingness and commitment to find compromise when needed, be supportive emotionally, controlling their impulses, and being trustworthy. When you find a person who can readily admit they are sorry in a heated disagreement, you have found someone displaying the earmarks for emotional maturity. This is a good indicator that this is someone that holds promise. Question #2 – Do your political beliefs align? (Self-ideology or Identity Manifestation) A political question may seem to be a lethal question to ask a potential partner in today's bifurcated and polarized political landscape. But, here are a few points to consider when asking about political views:
Naively, I think HSPs believe that something like political beliefs can be gently shaped and aligned with their own opinions or achieve a compromise with love and understanding. But viewed through a hardened political lens, feelings can be affected. The deeper you go in the relationship, difficulties arise, not just on political matters but also on the emotional reasons these view attachments have. Political beliefs get to the heart of core values, and for HSPs, core value alignment is a key to relationship success. This simple question almost always runs deep and possesses key indicators about a person's personality and emotional status. It is easier to reach a compromise with an open-minded individual if you hear can each other. But beware of the close-minded political hack. Question #3 – Do your spiritual or religious beliefs align? (Deep Self-Identity) For many people, this may be negotiable, and it mostly depends on how deeply entrenched and affixed you both are to your spiritual/religious beliefs. It may depend on the degree to which each partner is open-minded to the idea that there are no absolutes regarding spirituality. You can imagine an Evangelical Christian dating a hard-core atheist or an eclectic New Ager dating a scientific materialist who sees spirituality as foolish and a waste of time. You can easily see where the problems will materialize. Since spiritual beliefs or lack of spiritual beliefs sit deeply within us, this is important in relationships. It often depends on where you are in life and whether this may cause issues, such as raising kids, ideas of morality, afterlife beliefs, etc. Many people have experienced profound and successful relationships with others who have different spiritual views, and for some, this does not rate highly in mate selection. Nevertheless, the spirituality perspective may affect how a person's morality plays out. It may indicate deep beliefs that shape how one treats others, what love means and who one can love. It also reflects how close-minded or open-minded a person can be. Be mindful that compromise is a part of every relationship, and you have to ask yourself how much you have to compromise on spiritual matters that may affect you. One religion or spiritual view might be incompatible with another, so stay open-minded, but remember there is more to this than just the affiliation to a belief. Question #4 – What is their relationship with their parents and primarily with their mother? (Foundational Emotional Matters) To me, this is a fundamental question. Why? Very simply, our parents are the first adults we bond with in life. They are the first people to teach us about love, caring, and nurturing. They are our first template for love, especially the mother. Often, I have found that prospective partners with complicated or non-active relationships with their mothers (and fathers) often have difficulty in love as adults. Without that early critical bonding experience, they are less likely to grow up to be happy, loving, and resilient adults. They may also grow up to have emotional problems that will naturally affect the outcome in adult love relationships. By understanding your potential partners' current relationship with their parents, you are getting insight into how they may form love bonds with others. If the connection is good with the parents, chances are excellent these individuals are well adjusted and capable of giving and receiving love. If the parents are cold, distant, controlling, and unaffectionate, this will have affected your amour on views of what love looks like, feels like, and acts like. Granted that relationships change over time and that sometimes fallings-out occur later in life between parents and children. Life circumstances may alter these relationships as well. The germ of this seed is in the early formative years with parent and child. This early time is the critical bonding period and generally shapes the parent-child relationship for life. All of this should manifest in how affectionate, how expressive in love a person displays. If they acknowledge you and are willing to show and give love, it should be something that surfaces early in your relationship with them. A person who lacks these qualities may be a person you might want to bypass. Put down your therapist hat and move on. You likely will not be able to fix their problem. Question #5 – Do they listen to you? (Interactive Measure and Empathy) Being heard is very important to HSPs. Whether you are an extrovert or an introvert, it doesn't matter; at some point in your relationship, you will want to talk and be heard. And be acknowledged. Some relationships are identified by monologues and some by dialogues, but in the end, we all want to be heard, and the latter type of relationship is where we want to be. Does your love interest hear what you have to say? Do they actively listen to you, i.e., a conscious decision to listen to what you are saying? It seems we either listen to understand or listen to respond. Listening to understand is a deeper type of listening; it is more receptive and compassionate. Listening to respond implies a need to engage in criticism and be motivated by a need to correct you or fix you. One embraces, the other repels. One is deep; the other is shallow. HSPs seek meaning in just about everything, including relationships. It would be a natural desire for HSPs to form deep relationships, and the foundation for this is listening. If they are doing all the talking, well, you are not being heard. Empathy in part comes from communication. We are naturally good listeners. We need good listeners as partners. It is not a one-way street. Question #6 – Are they socially adaptable? (You, Me, and the World) Watch how your potential partner interacts with others. HSPs can be very chameleon-like when we interact in social settings. We are so tuned in to the environment; I think either for comfort or reconnaissance reasons, we adapt to our settings. Maybe it's a comfort thing, or perhaps it's to make others comfortable and make us relatable to them. We can shapeshift if needed. Looking for a partner that can do similarly, although maybe not critical to all HSPs, is crucial to me. I like to mix with mixed crowds and am not comfortable suffering partners that are snobs or find looking down at others as great sport. I try to stay humble with socializing and blend in and engage strategically and sometimes tactically. In networking for business, I like to seek out and find individuals with mutually beneficial contact. For pleasure, I tend to meet people strategically, basically learning from the new encounters with no specific goal in mind. With that said, I would prefer my partner, be able to do the same. How people treat others says a lot about how they will treat you. Look for kind, humble, and socially adaptable people. Granted, this is a simple reflection of how to gauge potential love interests. Your experience may frame similar or completely different questions. The point is to formulate what is essential for you in a partner. Each of us will have our own criteria, but we must know what these points are for each of us. And be astute observers. I recommend you read Dr. Elaine Aron's book on love and HSPs. You will learn a lot about the needs and interactions between HSPs and HSPs, HSPs and non-HSPs, and all combinations in between. There is excellent research (both her and her husband, Arthur) and real-world information in them. Good luck with your love search, be careful, be cautious, and, especially be particular.. You won't regret it. Please share your thoughts in the comment section.   A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male Like most personality traits, I have often wondered whether Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS) falls on a spectrum. And if so, is it possible for us to move up and down on the spectrum with life experience and age? If the trait is even moderately fluid, how would that affect highly sensitive people? Lately, a developmental model for children has gained some traction in describing sensitivity generally in all people. It uses a simple flower metaphor to describe the degree to which individuals adapt to or are affected by the environment. Dandelions, known for their hardiness, represent the most adaptable yet least sensitive individuals. Next is represented by tulips, which are the broad middle ground of people that fall on the broadest spectrum of adaptability and resiliency. Finally, there are the orchids, beautiful flowers, but ones that require the most significant attention and support. Both dandelions and orchids represent the two smallest population groups and are opposites. HSPs fall into the orchid group – no surprise there. Many of the foundational characteristics of this typology are genetically based. Some would argue that sensitivity is a well-established personality trait that remains stable over time. I agree that most HSPs are likely to remain consistently along the high end of the curve for sensitivity, which would not fluctuate drastically. But I wonder if the effects of environment and experience could not alter, even slightly, the degree of sensitivity we have over time. Let's examine this. Personality Theory on a Rope Most personality theorists would argue that personality traits tend to distribute on a continuum. Personality traits are recognizable aspects of an individual shown in various social and personal contexts that manifest in behavioral choices. Allport suggested that traits fall into a hierarchy from Cardinal (dominant traits) to Central (prominent characteristics) to Secondary (situational traits). We might assume that SPS would fall into the cardinal bucket, considering its influences on the HSP personality. Cattrell condensed the Allport theory and argued that individual differences influenced traits. He proposed a model of traits that employed a continuum to express each trait's "degreeness." Many of these traits proposed are described with polar opposites - high/low endpoints on the continuum (see Flower Model) with the largest representation in the middle. Later development of the Big Five Personality theory, which has considerable evidence-based validation, acknowledges that while personality traits are relatively stable over a lifetime, there is still some tendency to increase or decrease as life is experienced. This evidence supports the idea of a continuum of personality traits, with some degree of fluidity. However, it is essential to recognize that in some cases change comes as a function of the individual’s experience and not necessarily a function of the trait itself. How do SPS individuals stack up? Within the trait of SPS, is there some differentiation amongst the group? In other words, do highly sensitive people fall into a high highly sensitive grouping, a medium highly sensitive grouping, and a low highly (oxymoron?) sensitive grouping? If we look back at the Flower model, the suggestion that general sensitivity is a spectrum, from low to high, and that there is demarcation to separate groups along a bell-shaped distribution curve, could there not be a similar distribution within each distinct group? Could those individuals within the high sensitivity group also be broken down into finer buckets to delineate their degree of sensitivity? I think so. Environment plays a critical role in personality development, which enhances or detracts from personality traits and creates a wide swath of individual differences within humans. Life experiences might also increase or decrease how qualities are expressed over time, although not likely in large increments. Gene expression is often influenced by extrinsic environmental factors, which has given rise to the new field of epigenetics (See Bruce Lipton). Why could personality traits, which have a large genetic component, not also be affected by life, environment, and individual experience? Is there variability with the SPS trait? Some psychologists describe SPS in terms of overexcitabilities, or vividly lived experiences (see BLOG on Positive Disintegration Theory). A typology has emerged which classifies HSP individuals into five distinct groups – 1) Psychomotor (energetic leaning), 2) Sensual (sensory focused), 3) Intellectual (thinkers), 4) Imaginational (idea magnets, fantasy focused), and 5) Emotional (empathetic). The groups suggest variabilities within HSPs, and if you consider combinations of types within a single individual, you increase the variability as hybrids. Is there a polarity within the trait of sensitivity? It's interesting to think of the idea of a degree of sensitivity that could be measured along the line of empathy. For example, could there be a sensitivity dimension, tied to empathy, that ends with positive and negative poles of sensitivity? Positive sensitivity would represent HSP individuals with high degrees of empathy and sensitivity, and negative sensitivity might be low sensitive individuals with a corresponding low degree of empathy. Or could there be a polar end with negative sensitivity representing the spectrum where narcissists fall, with no empathy yet may be highly sensitive to criticism or other environmental cues? What about a dimensionality of sensing that might be measured along a line of adaptability or functionality, such as a low functioning sensitive or a high functioning sensitive individual? Not to suggest that HSPs are dysfunctional, but some with SPS do struggle with the trait. Is there a way to measure sensitivity on a scale? At present, I am not aware of a test for SPS that measures the degree to which you possess the trait. Dr. Aron's test, the current benchmark for sensitivity, does measure whether you likely are a highly sensitive person, but not necessarily to the degree, you have the trait. I understand that she is developing another test for SPS, so we can all look forward to that. Once we have something that can measure the degree of SPS, perhaps, we can test the trait's stability over time. That is if we do experience fluidity of the trait over our lifetimes. With that type of test, I also wonder if learning to throttle some of the traits would help moderate some aspects of SPS that may be uncomfortable. Although this type of testing may not be on the horizon, it might help with raising HSP children, counseling HSP individuals, and giving HSPs a way of measuring their trait depth. Depth, yeah, that's something HSPs would be interested in… Please share your thoughts in the comment section.   A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male There has been a lot of talk lately about narcissism and dealing with narcissistic personalities. Some very prominent people have been described as narcissistic, which has given some additional focus on this personality disorder. It has been postulated that highly sensitive people easily fall prey to narcissists, and there is good reason to believe there is truth to this claim. Because HSPs are generally very empathetic and tend to be drawn to people with problems, the narcissist can usually very easily manipulate a trusting and empathic, sensitive person. Yet, this term is often misused and overstated to describe a normal person who is situationally devious, unkind, or just emotionally manipulative. The actual percentage of the population with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and by that, I mean consistently narcissistic, is relatively small, typically between 1-6%. Let's explore what this can mean to HSPs and for HSP relationships with narcissists. What is a Narcissist? The classic DSM-V definition for a narcissist is a personality disorder primarily characterized by a long-term pattern of exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive craving for admiration, and struggles with empathy towards others. The exact causes are unclear, but evidence suggests that it is both a product of nature and nurture, part genetic part environmental. Narcissistic individuals have personality traits that display a sense of entitlement, grandiosity, and a need for attention, without much regard for others. They often show fantasies of their unlimited success or power, believe that they are special or gifted, are master manipulators, and are demonstrably arrogant. Many successful people may display some of these same characteristics. However, only the true narcissist makes the traits inflexible and maladaptive. Men tend to display this disorder slightly more so than women. Within the trait, there are several subtypes, including overt and covert narcissism. Overt narcissism is generally easier to detect because many of the NPD traits can be easily observed. Covert NPD is a bit less observable and can be more subtle and stealthy. Covert narcissists tend to be more introverted, while overt narcissists are louder, more arrogant, and outwardly disregard others. The covert narcissist more easily dupes many people because of the subtle methods of manipulation. Surprisingly, some covert narcissists are very sensitive people. I believe some HSPs are wrongly accused of being narcissistic because of HSPs' reactivity to criticisms, sudden mood changes, and the tendency towards deep thought, which appears to be aloofness. Preston Ni suggests that some classic narcissists display high sensitivity to criticism, confrontation with their self-image, rejection of their sense of entitlement, and refutation of their self-image. This reaction may add to the belief that some narcissists can be HSPs. The complicated relationship between HSPs and narcissists HSPs appear to be particularly vulnerable to narcissistic manipulation. Sensitive people's trusting and empathetic nature would make them more prone to falling to clever deception, especially from someone who cleverly builds trust first. In many narcissistic abusive relationships, a degree of co-dependency can develop between the narcissist and the victim. This dependency could more easily develop between a covert narcissist and a vulnerable HSP partner, and, at times, a narcissist can even exhibit some degree of compassion. The HSP might then harbor hope for the relationship, which only prolongs the engagement. In many ways, the HSP represents a shadow self to the narcissist, a dysfunctional compliment, the opposite other. Because HSPs love to help and aid their partners, they fall trap in the never-ending cycle of fulfilling every need for their narcissist partner. This entrapment can lead to an unhealthy symbiotic relationship and emotional pain, which the narcissist cannot relate to or feel. How to deal with a narcissist if you are an HSP If you know that you are dealing with a narcissist, understand that they will be challenging to handle and very draining to your energy levels. Avoid trying to change them and release the naïve expectation that you will be the one that does change them. Expect pushback or even retaliation if you challenge or confront them. If you must confront them, do so in the presence of witnesses. If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, surround yourself with supportive people. To get out of a relationship with a narcissist, learn to set boundaries and stay firm on them. Do not take the pushbacks and attacks personally; recognize that it's their problem, not yours. This may require compartmentalizing your feelings as you deal with the confrontation. You can loop back later and deal with the emotions. Stand up for yourself and if the relationship is abusive – get distance between you and them. Be safe first. Narcissists rarely seek professional help. They don't, can't, or won't see the need for treatment, which is beyond their inflated self-image. It is often stated that narcissism is incurable; however, if the patient won't see the doctor, the treatment is useless. You can bet you won't be able to fix them, so don't try. My Personal Experiences My experiences with NPD are somewhat limited. I suspect I have interacted with individuals who display some of the traits of narcissism but not at the level of malignancy. People who act like narcissists or are narcissists, I tend to avoid – life is too short. Yet, some of these folks can be quite charismatic and alluring. People who have NPD can be cunning cult leaders and can lure many unsuspecting victims, looking for a charismatic and authoritative leader. The NPD individual feeds on the admiration and worship and designs creative manipulations to ensure their vulnerable and gullible flock's allegiance. Be wary. Anyone can fall prey. A final thought on HSPs and narcissists. In my book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconditional Defense of Sensitive Men, I stated that I would have a hard time believing that HSPs would make effective narcissists. While I'm sure with the right combination of nature and nurture, it could happen, the core attributes of HSPs would make it difficult for sensitive people to abuse people without tremendous guilt and internal conflict. Our nature is to be empathetic, and to do less would present conflicting internal signals if we were to be ruthless and careless narcissists. Our hearts would not be faithful for long to the execution of that merciless task. Please comment about your experiences with narcissists.    A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
For the next eight to ten weeks, I am going to be providing excerpts from my upcoming book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconditional Defense of Sensitive Men. The E-book is and soft cover of the book is available now on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, iBooks, and Bookbaby.com. Please enjoy this free preview of the book. From Chapter 8 – Struggles of Being an HSM Being too Sensitive in a Macho World “Son, are you a man or a mouse?” My dad delivered these few words to me every time I got a bit too weepy as a little boy. Growing up in the ’50s and ’60s, it was not wise for little boys to show too many traits of emotional sensitivity. Might look like a sissy, if you know what I mean. So, my father would chide me with this little question, and I would abruptly stop my sensitive ways and buck up and act like the little man I was supposed to be. As the years went by, I began to shield myself from this type of criticism by trying to live the manly life I was taught to live. But it always felt a bit disingenuous and inauthentic. The older I got, the more I began to realize that I was no less a man because I could feel deep emotion, get in touch with my inner core, and freely express the emotion within. When I began to read about the highly sensitive personality type, I felt vindicated and liberated. Dr. Elaine Aron gets a lifetime achievement award from me. And I’m sure a lot of HSMs feel the same way. When I first started researching this topic, I was looking for male sensitivity and found that the first page or two of the search was focused on penile sensitivity. Interesting, but not what I had in mind. But I suppose there is some metaphorical tie-in too obtuse for me to elaborate on. Is there a sensitivity spectrum within HSMs? Are some HSMs more sensitive than others, more prone to emotional display or sensory overload, than say, other HSMs? I, for one, believe there is some truth to this. I mean, after all, we are all individuals, and science accounts for individual differences. We may have the same predisposition for an active amygdala, but perhaps the signals get muffled more so in some than others. Maybe there is some broad gradation starting with a threshold HSM, who is lowest on the scale of HSM sensitivity, a moderate HSM that straddles the wide middle, and a high HSM, one bordering on hypersensitivity. This could explain some of the diversity in HSM capacity and expression of that sensitivity. I know all HSMs are not what the general population would peg high sensitivity to be. Of course, no one is better or worse than the other, just a way to stratify further the traits of HSPs. This might explain why some HSMs weep at sad movies, while others just get the obligatory lump in the throat and wet eyes. In any case, regardless of where you fall on the spectrum, if you are an HSM, you are a man with fully functioning tear ducts. Be proud of that. This still remains about sensing capability, our high capacity to sense our world. It’s the inputs that affect us so. Sensitivity is the reaction to that sensing, and perhaps this sets us apart from our non-HSP fellows. So whether it is sights, sounds, smell, taste, or touch, or even the unconscious sense of intuition, we are always sensing deeply. And it will always affect us deeply. And, yes, we react sensitively and passionately. Yet we HSMs are still men; we are simply broadening the masculine definition. Fitting into a world that values machismo, the hyper-male, and toughness is always going to be a struggle for HSMs. The ridiculous focus on aggressive and dominant behavior, which is often seen as the epitome of masculinity in our culture, naturally divorces the American male from the emotions that are native to all humans. In other words, you are no longer a male unless you reflect a set of traits that are better suited for 10,000 B.C. than the twenty-first century. You can see this in our militaristic, warrior archetype that is reflected throughout our society in board rooms, bedrooms, and now bathrooms. We are still fighting imaginary wars every day at work, at home, and play. Even some women have adapted to this model to succeed in this dysfunctional paradigm. Our world is very troubled. The political discourse these last few years, the racial divides, the wars, the poverty, and all the detritus that swirls around this world, makes me think there has never been a better time for HSPs and HSMs to find our place in this world. It’s a time that is ripe for a shift away from the machismo politics of the Reagan Republican brand and back to a more compassionate, empathetic form of government. If this shift fails to take hold, I fear we are heading for a dark place as a culture and as a people. The HSP is often the canary in the mineshaft. Pay attention, world. We are uncomfortable in this manufactured male macho world that generally insecure and paranoid males have created. We HSMs need to assert ourselves in a distinct HSM way and penetrate the corporate ranks, the world of politics, religion, art, and journalism and serve as new role models for men everywhere. It is our sensing nature that will help change this world, and as men, we can help reshape the balance of things. We need to do something challenging for us—stand out.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
For the next eight to ten weeks, I am going to be providing excerpts from my upcoming book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconditional Defense of Sensitive Men. The E-book is now available on Amazon. The hardback is coming November 4th. Please enjoy this free preview of the book. From Chapter 7 - Behavioral Quirkiness Honoring the Anima for Men Hey gents, for those of you who slept through high school biology class, here’s a little news flash for you: we all start out as females.[i] So when I mention honoring the anima, Jung’s delineation of the unconscious female mind in all men, then you realize that perhaps a biological component played a part in creating that facet of men. You see, when the fetus is about nine weeks, testosterone kicks in for males, and it just keeps kicking in throughout our lives. Even when the hormone dries up, the after-effects of all those years of raging aggressive hormones leaves its residue on our psyches. For thousands of years of human history, the male domination of culture, religion, politics, and civilization has left the planet exhausted and nearing depletion. It’s an unsustainable path, with no room for escape. And Gaia will revolt if we don’t alter our course. We must all embrace the role of the feminine energy that permeates all of life on this planet. We are cut off from our sacred creative core when we only follow the destructive path of unbalanced masculine energy. Without the calming, nurturing, and creative alliance with the feminine, we are on a one-way ticket to hell. Balancing the aggressive yang energy with calming, life-giving yin energy means we all must embrace that side in us that brings healing. This includes men accepting and encouraging feminine energy within and outside of themselves. This means honoring the feminine energy in all things. As HSP males, we are perhaps perfectly suited to usher in what appears to be an impending era of female leadership and feminine spirit. As males who are often more in touch with our emotions, we unconsciously embrace both the masculine and feminine. We are in tune with the subtle differences between the two and can aid in leading this movement forward in conjunction with wise female leaders. We know of the anima within and must learn to accept the gift that it brings. Yet, this movement requires more than just HSP males to champion the transition. Highly sensing males must aid other men to acknowledge and promote the critical need we have at this juncture in our history to restore the ancient wisdom of feminine inspired leadership. The need for a feminine influenced direction is dire as we witness the destruction of our planet, our human values, and the decency of nurturing our planet back to its point of equilibrium. Embracing the feminine does not mean that men have to become female. It is not about vanquishing masculine energy either. It has and always will be about balance. HSP males are going to have to put themselves out there. This is not a comfortable position for most sensitive men. We need to push back on an aggressive and powerful force that has long been entrenched in our culture. We will need to convince not only males, many who have profited from this current era of male dominance, but females who are still entrenched in the old male authoritarian model. Many women need to be educated and liberated from this antiquated philosophy, and some may only listen to male figures, rejecting the advice of their feminine peers. This is a place where HSP males might be quite useful. Our sensitivity and compassion, coupled with our male personas, might help with these females’ transitions. So how can we men embrace the anima within and facilitate the change to the divine sacred feminine?
 Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male For the next eight to ten weeks, I am going to be providing excerpts from my upcoming book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconditional Defense of Sensitive Men. The E-book is now available on Amazon. The hardback is coming November 4th. Please enjoy this free preview of the book. From Chapter 6 - Deep Processing and Overthinking Deep Thinking Advantages I have great regard for the deep thinking attribute that SPS banner carriers have. It allows us to process more detail in our thinking, which expands the options of the outcome of the thinking process. I believe that deep processing capabilities make HSPs great solitary thinkers. Solitary thinkers rely less on other external inputs, say from friends, family, or colleagues, and can allow for free play with ideas within their internal framework. To be certain, there are indeed external inputs, but most of those have been previously processed, categorized, and stored and are used in the thinking process in novel ways. This allows SPS thinkers to be more creative and individualistic in their thinking. This is great for creative problem solving, creating works of art, proposing new, untested ideas, and generally contributing different perspectives on old lines of thinking. Besides, our use of emotional reactivity in decision-making might provide for dredging deeply encoded information that had a similar emotion associated with it during memory encoding. As stated previously, emotional reactivity has been associated with better learning outcomes. All of this facilitates deep thinking, which I believe is the greatest value SPS individuals bring to bear in society. If HSPs trust their intuition and insights more, coupled with their deep thinking process, I believe more HSPs would be more confident in their decisions and contribute more to solving society’s problems. There seems to be a strong bias in science and our culture against the use of intuition, although, if you examine the history of science, and especially the moments in science when breakthroughs occur, intuition often is the determining factor. Since HSP intuition is a strong suit in our thinking process, encouraging and rewarding HSPs for reaching out a bit might facilitate better ideas in business, education, government, religion, the arts, and sciences. This could lead to more breakthrough thinking, more innovation, more thought-provoking considerations, and less reckless, short-sided, one-dimensional thinking. Intuition is often considered emotional thinking, but emotional thinking is not always a bad thing. Sometimes it adds an urgency, importance, and priority to decisions. It always adds a bit of humanity to thinking, which we sorely lack now. Decisions are often made for the expediency of greed, politics, or unfortunate inflexible scientific dogma. Thoughtful decision-making is a lost art these days. The world is based on machine speed thinking rather than careful and cautious deliberation. For the moment, our brains can still out process any machine on the planet. We have a group of people, within the human population that is, at least as is being proposed, who have an evolutionary purpose, adding measured thought and ideas into the vast kettle of impulsive world thought. It’s time to wake up to that.  Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconventional Defense of Sensitive Men
 A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
For the next eight to ten weeks, I am going to be providing excerpts from my upcoming book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconditional Defense of Sensitive Men. I am anticipating a release date on Amazon, et.al., sometime in late September. Please enjoy this free preview of the book. From Chapter 5 – What is Sensory Processing Sensitivity? The trait that defines the Highly Sensitive Person personality is called Sensory Processing Sensitivity—SPS. This trait, part of a larger category of traits and theories about environmental sensitivity, pertains to how organisms, in this case, human organisms, adapt to the environment by way of sensory inputs and adaptations to move toward or away from change or stimuli in order to survive. Sensory Processing Sensitivity involves increased sensitivity of the central nervous system and deeper cognitive processing of emotional, physical, and social stimuli.[i] It is estimated that 15 to 20 percent of the human population has this characteristic and supports the idea of its evolutionary value because in order for the characteristic to retain value it must be utilized by a small portion of the population. Its utility diminishes the larger the numbers of individuals within a population have this trait. This is known as negative dependency frequency.[ii] First popularized in her book, The Highly Sensitive Person, Dr. Aron was instrumental in classifying this characteristic as a trait and not a disorder, and that this trait can be positive and evolutionarily significant. She and her husband developed a standardized measurement scale, known as the Highly Sensitive Person Scale, and for children, the Highly Sensitive Child Scale, which has become the benchmark for measuring an individual’s tendencies toward high sensitivity. In addition, this trait has been observed in over one hundred non-human species of animals.[iii] The work has been built on earlier work by Eysenck and his views on introversion, Pavlov’s work on overstimulation, Gray’s work on Reinforcement Sensitivity Theory, and Jung’s work on Introversion and Extroversion.[iv] All of these personality antecedents relate in some way to how the individual reacts to stimuli in the environment. Early studies looked at this sensitivity, which focused on childhood temperaments, Thomas and Chess (1977) and Mehrabian developed a self-reporting tool that measured something akin to sensitivity. Aron believes that the innate characteristic within SPS is the reaction to environmental cues and a pause-and-check processing, especially in novel situations.[v] This has important implications for the survival skills of the species where certain individuals are more cautious and contemplative when presented with new environmental cues. This is a hallmark for the cautious nature of HSPs. Introversion studies led to the Sensory Processing Sensitivity theory, where the marker for sensory stimuli was seen to be lower in introverts than extroverts. This, coupled with the addition of a depth of processing component and the importance of emotional reactivity in learning, and the tendency toward overstimulation rounded out the parameters of the SPS theory. The emphasis here is on learning and adaptability. A real issue comes down to accurate decision-making. The emotional reactivity component of SPS that aids in evaluating a situation correctly, without the need for conscious thought, turns out to be the quickest and most efficient form of decision-making, according to Aron.[vi] The ability to analyze and decide based on emotional reactivity, memory, and unconscious learned processes appears to make the SPS individual ideally suited for analyzing a situation and making an efficient decision, which plays against type. Increasingly, the Sensory Processing Sensitivity theory is gaining traction as part of a collection of adaptive personality models that focus on individual abilities to process environmental stimuli within the Environmental Sensitivity model. As its credibility rises, it is taking a larger portion of that model and may be the central theme within how individuals react in the world. There is now some conjecture that SPS is part of a continuum that includes all members of the population, allowing it to be more broadly defined in personality theory. The idea is that there are essentially three groups of SPS types within the larger community. Those who have low SPS (also known as Daisies), comprise 20 to 25 percent of the population, those in the mid-range 45 to 50 percent of the population (the Tulips) and those most associated with this trait, the high-end SPS individuals (known as Orchids) at approximately 20 to 25 percent. The flower metaphor illustrates the environmental requirements of each of the flower species, Daisies being most environmentally adaptable with the least amount of effort/nurturing and the Orchids being the most demanding of the environment with higher requirements. This illustrates the necessity of a positive development environment on high SPS individuals, where the correlation between thriving, positive, supportive, and nurturing environments is extremely high. Sensory Processing Sensitivity Traits People with SPS are considered highly sensitive individuals. A myriad of traits are associated with this personality, many of which have to do with a rich and complex internal life. SPS individuals are generally very conscientious and diligent, tend to be more spiritual, and are moved more easily by the arts and being in nature. HSPs display more empathy and sympathy to those less fortunate or to helpless animals or creatures in need of aid. Sensitive individuals show more creativity and can be quite innovative thinkers, if not under pressure or are being watched. Studies show that HSPs have increased activation in the reward centers of the brain, flourishing in positive environments, where there is support, nurturing, and ample time to perform expected tasks. They often experience feelings of awe and satisfaction because of increased deep thinking functioning and sensory awareness. In addition, a study has shown that SPS individuals are more likely to report mystical phenomena in sensory deprivation tanks than the general population.[vii] The downside of SPS borders on neuroticism. Feelings of depression, anxiety, and stress, internalizing problems too much, lower levels of happiness in life, poor stress management strategies—and in the wrong environments, lower work satisfaction. The environment is everything to an SPS individual. Since HSPs are more sensitive to the environment, picking up subtle and not so subtle cues can create situations of overwhelm and stress. If consistent and persistent these moments can lead to self-devaluation and depression. There will be more focus on this later in the book, but suffice it to say that a bad environment for sensitives is chaotic, unpredictable, with ambiguous expectations, lack of support and empathy, loud, with high-pressure demands, and inability to process and think. [i] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensory_processing_sensitivity [ii] https://scottbarrykaufman.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Pers-Soc-Psychol-Rev-2012-Aron-1088868311434213.pdf [iii] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensory_processing_sensitivity [iv] https://reader.elsevier.com/reader/sd/pii/S0149763418306250?token=4BB1776515ACDA4CC0506CE58BA16249C7D772B9A427B7342BFC4FF8F5B258BB385ED918DDB46C5C6176F9086AEE984A [v] https://scottbarrykaufman.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Pers-Soc-Psychol-Rev-2012-Aron-1088868311434213.pdf [vi] https://scottbarrykaufman.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Pers-Soc-Psychol-Rev-2012-Aron-1088868311434213.pdf [vii] Ibid.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
For the next eight to ten weeks, I am going to be providing excerpts from my upcoming book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconditional Defense of Sensitive Men. I am anticipating a release date on Amazon, et.al., sometime in late September. Please enjoy this free preview of the book. From Chapter 4 – Common Traits and Characteristics of Highly Sensitive Males HSPs are often labeled as sensitives, those who can gain nuanced information from the environment simply by showing up and paying attention. But what exactly does that mean? Think back to the idea of the depth of processing. The sensory information that HSPs receive is largely the same data input as anyone else, HSP or not. Our eyes aren’t bigger, our ears aren’t better receivers, our skin doesn’t have more sensory cells, our taste buds aren’t fatter, our noses aren’t olfactory blessed. We receive the same inputs as the general population does. The deciding factor is the way this data gets filtered and processed. Our brains are wired to take data inputs and process them more thoroughly, passing many times through a process that gleans the maximum amount of information per packet. Our eyes don’t see any better than others, but our brain processes the small fly on the wall that no one else notices. Body language is processed through sight and memory to discern that someone is not happy, but is not revealed in their outward demeanor. We smell the strong perfumed woman in the room twenty feet away, because we register the annoyance of the strength of the application of the perfume. We detect the music is too loud, because our processing of sound does not allow us to filter out the exceeding thumping of the bass line in the music. You could surmise that our filters are triggered at a lower threshold than others. If so, then we notice more in a quick cursory scan of the environment. The subtle taste of too much salt in an hors d’oeuvre that offends our tongue may go unnoticed by another who simply ignores the discrepancy. The scratchiness of the starched shirt we are wearing becomes annoying over time because we can’t easily shut off the sensory processing. This does not mean we suffer from over sensory input or hypersensitivity, but that our processing of the sensory input gets processed over and over to the point where it can become an annoyance. Even so, that ability to process deeply the information we receive can be a source of intuition and insight. Seeing the nuanced or noticing the subtle makes it easy to infer the detail of a situation and see things that others don’t. This is the source of much creativity and why so many creative people are highly sensitive people. The effects on emotions and intelligence can be profound. A mood can change in a flash, simply because of noticing something in the environment that is irritating or troubling. The subtle texture of our world can be a source of newfound inspiration or the source of emotional pain. To see the subtle aspects, the fine details of the world, can certainly enhance the intelligence of the individual, especially if there is an emotional charge to what is seen. I think this is why so many HSPs are perceived as being more intelligent. It isn’t about raw processing power or the ability to discern logical solutions to problems, but rather a way of sensing one’s way around the environment, picking clean the leftovers that others pass by, the small details that in some cases can be life or death. It then becomes encoding and storing the knowledge for later use. It is with the deep processing that this stored data becomes valuable at a later date. Good memory aided by strong emotional coding. This is where the value add is for this characteristic; the ability to learn from the subtleties of life and not leave behind any useful data, to gather every stone and turn them until they are polished nuggets of knowledge. This is a very slow, deliberate process. This is why HSPs are not quick decision-makers. The decisions they make are often full of insight and provide a big-picture vision that detail decision-making with its raw churning of information may miss. Now I don’t want to paint a brushstroke so broad that it appears all HSPs are intuitive gurus who are always accurate about conclusions. They are not. Intuition can only go so far, and sometimes internal biases can color the outcome regardless of the input. Energized emotion or fatigue can factor into discoloring the insights, perhaps distorting the obvious, with personal prejudices. As always, our senses can fool us, and regardless of how sure we processed the input accurately, we can be off the mark as much as non-HSPs. Being the conscientious creatures we are, we may back off with our intuitions if they are proven to be inaccurate. Confidence can wane without some reinforcement from the external world. I see this trait as a valuable part of the HSP profile. It should be encouraged, not discouraged. When there is inaccuracy, we should chalk it up to the absolute uncertainty of any thought outcome, and that our conclusions are either inaccurate for the moment, spot-on, or ahead of our time. Coming to conclusions is often an iterative process; each stroke of the wheel brings you closer to accuracy; one conclusion leads to another until a consensus is gained. Many HSPs don’t recognize the value of this nonstandard intelligence we possess. It is complementary to the logical, deductive reasoning of the twenty-first century, which is focused on the following of a specific format and hard grinding out of solutions. HSPs tend to snatch things out of the blue and place them in order, creating new thoughts and patterns. It is a process that allows us to look up from the desk and see out the window, sensing and feeling our way to intuitive solutions, ones that can never be seen without lifting one’s head. |
AuthorBill Allen currently lives in Lutz, Florida. He previously lived in Bend, Oregon. He is a certified hypnotist and brain training coach at BrainPilots.com. He believes that male sensitivity is not so rare, but it can be confounding for most males living in a culture of masculine insensitivity which teaches boys and men to disconnect from their feelings and emotions. His intent is to use this blog to chronicle his personal journey and share with others. 
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