 A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Have you ever asked yourself, what is good enough? Anytime you start a task, what level of achievement do you expect? Do you have a benchmark for good enough? Is the amount of effort that matters to you, or is it the outcome? Is success an absolute for you? Many HSPs are hung up on perfectionism. At times, I can be fanatical about achieving a goal or completing a task and being perfect. Unfortunately, there are many reasons why this is the case for some of us – from people pleasing, low self-esteem, or simply a programmed obsession with being perfect. There appears to be a misguided notion that anything worth doing is worth doing perfectly, and if you’re not going to do it perfectly – why do it? But is perfection even possible? Isn’t this an impossible belief, a form of absolutism? A striving for excellence can only mean surpassing mere good enough or even your best effort to attain absolute perfection. It is a lofty aspiration. What can we say about the belief that there is a universal truth that only perfection is acceptable? First, let’s look at this a bit closer. Striving for Excellence As a primary mission, there is no fault in striving for excellence in any task or endeavor. Setting a goal and striving to achieve that goal, in my opinion, is a noble goal. But, like many life journeys, the road is full of potholes and detours. Our original goal need not be rigid, with one path, but should reflect and adjust to the many deviations that life throws us. In fact, rigidity is the enemy of perfection. Perfectionism is a corruption of excellence in that it embraces rigidity and makes the goal almost unachievable. Rather than striving for excellence, we offer our best effort to any task, expecting alterations and changes in the route. This allows for a level of tolerance that is not perfect but still allows a completion close enough to our original goal that rewards our best effort. Striving for excellence is how we perform our tasks. Making corrections and improvements along the way, like guided missiles, we ultimately make subtle, sometimes drastic changes to reach our destination. This proposition requires the appreciation and adoption of good enough at times. Not much of a severe compromise if it gets us to our goal. The Perils of Perfectionism Perfectionism is like a disease that eats away at any effort and requires an impossible and absolute execution far exceeding normal human capabilities. The fear of perfectionism, or the withdrawal from an attempt due to anxiety that a task will not be executed perfectly, often keeps us from trying challenging tasks. Moreover, because of an absolutist expectation of perfection, we prejudge ourselves out of competition for fear that we can reach the elusive, not impossible, prize. Perfectionism can serve as a convenient excuse not to like ourselves. For inherently, we all know that we are not perfect. And, failing to attain perfection, we reinforce an unrealistic notion that we are not good enough. Perhaps, it comes through us as an attempt to please others, i.e., “if I am perfect, people will love me.” What a lousy bargaining chip for garnering love and acceptance. The stress on the self to achieve an uncommon perfection level can be debilitating for some. There is no room for ‘good enough’ in their lexicon. Yet, what is good enough? The Ideal Quest for Enough First, we must eliminate the idealization of perfection and toss the idea that we can be perfect in all we do. The good enough mentality sometimes is the only way to accomplish a goal. This especially is true for first-time efforts and trying out new, unproven tasks. Accomplishments come easy to some, more difficult for others. Secondly, find where the task or goal fits your values and priorities. Then, measure your success against those values and nothing else. Perhaps, just getting the job done is achievement enough. That’s what we call good enough. Thirdly, don’t sell good enough down the drain as a mediocre or lackluster performance or, as they say, an “also ran” effort. Sometimes good enough is GOOD ENOUGH—everything we do need not be a record-breaking world performance. Often what we see as perfection is an undetected series of good enough efforts to craft a fine point on something that is merely good enough. In effect, the polish on the silverware makes something ordinary look sparkly and perfect. Lastly, we must learn to accept that we are not perfect in everything we do. Therefore, we give the goal and task our best efforts, fueled by passion and values rather than driven by some abstraction of idealized perfectionism. A Happy Medium Don’t get me wrong; I think striving for excellence is a good goal. It lifts our work from simply passable to something more indicative of our skill sets and talents. However, we should always do our best for nothing more than our personal integrity. But, let go of absolutism. There is likely no absolute truth, wisdom, perfection, or knowledge that is not subject to criticism or improvement. For the most part, I think life is a series of successive approximations of truth. We are constantly correcting, allowing us to flow with the changes. Rigidity is the great destroyer of life. Perfectionism is a formulaic rigidity that stifles and is anti-growth. Finding your “good enough” is about seeking a comfortable level of truth about your abilities, skills, etc., and how they can be used in the world. Letting perfectionism inhibit your willingness to fail and learn is a recipe for a frustrated and stilted life. Good enough is not necessarily about resignation but agreement within yourself that you have worked something long enough and it’s time (good enough) to let it go into the world. As an author, I have tried to write, rewrite and restructure books, written pieces, and articles to get them to their best. Then at some point, I let it go and release it as it is, knowing that it is not perfect. However, I have found that most people are not looking to read perfection but will be happy with a good enough read that has meaning and significance to them. So, look for your good enough. Sometimes it’s a feeling, sometimes an objective optic that tells you that you have arrived at your place of completion. Don’t let perfectionism stop you, and recognize that you are good enough, just as you are. Rest in that. Please comment with your thoughts.
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 A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Like many youngsters, when I was growing up, it was important to find out where in the world I fit in. Being a highly sensitive male did not make matters easier. Like so many boys, I was socialized to conform to the traditional masculine role model, and as hard as I tried, it was often not easy for me. However, I grew up when non-conformity was popular among young people, so I believe I caught a break with the changes of those times. As I have gotten older and arguably wiser, I now realize the importance of finding our place in the world. As an HSP, I find, like many HSPs, that meaning and purpose in our lives are critical for happiness. I often write about this in my blogs and books because I think it is a universal struggle with many highly sensitive people. It’s important to recognize that it’s not just about how you fit in as an individual; it’s also important to acknowledge the perhaps trickier aspects of fitting in as an HSP. We are in no small measure different from most of the less sensitive people we share the planet with. Finding acceptance for our traits can be challenging and frustrating. HSP characteristics will shape how you find your niches and where you will find them. Our need for critical environmental conditions influences our life decisions and reflects our strong desire for peace and harmony. Our requirements for downtime and rest will dictate time schedules, work environments, and even how our home is designed to accommodate those needs. With that said, fitting in our space, your niche is more than just a type of work, home life, and social and environmental connections – it’s life. Our life. This deserves serious consideration for all HSPs. Finding your unique niche – vocation as a driver I’ve read many articles about the best career fits for HSPs. These articles account for our general characteristics as a group and describe our needs to help others and to find quiet workspaces. These places encourage our creativity, strong spiritual natures, and work ethic. Some professions include helping professions (teachers, doctors, nurses, therapists, caregivers, etc.), creative professions, academic careers, spiritual or religious leaders, and work environments that foster individual contributors, like I.T. By drilling down even further for HSPs in search of set and setting, it is possible to combine several of these fields mentioned above, plus adding individual personality characteristics to customize the choices fully. But unfortunately, we still live in a largely conformist society, and this type of personal exploration is not often encouraged. And the idea, at the end of the day, it’s still about pursuing monetary rewards over intrinsic rewards, leaving meaning and purpose to get kicked to the curb. Nevertheless, HSPs and the emerging HSP culture need to look toward several key factors in finding happiness in the professions. First, consider environmental conditions, which I believe are some of the most important factors for HSP career decisioning. This includes hard items, like office space and layout, sensory stimulation of the environment, and soft elements, such as co-workers, bosses, and how the staff is treated. The meaningfulness of what you do is highly subjective; however, it should have major consideration in your decision. I don’t imply to speak for all HSPs, but work can be stressful and soul deadening for highly sensitive folks without meaning and purpose. Your work reflects you, what you need, and what you do. Be selective and pick the best place for you. When all else fails, be your own boss. In the last thirty to forty years, the idea of becoming an entrepreneur or business owner has gained considerable traction. It’s not just about the freedom or about creating and nurturing a successful business, but about using your talents, building an impactful organization, and making a difference in people’s lives, including yours. The best thing about taking this strategy is that it gives you considerable control over how things are run. For some folks, running a company and having the responsibility for staff and plant is not their cup of tea. For these people, solopreneur might work better. You are the business and the only employee. This fits well for professionals, creative types, and helping professions. You still run the show, but you, in the end, are the only impacted individual. You live and die on your own merits. Whichever course you take, expect headaches, but realize you have more control over your destiny. And because you get ahead of some of the major considerations, the headaches at least will seem less severe. Social niches Another area to search for, seek out and participate in is your social niche. I strongly encourage all HSPs to find an HSP tribe to belong to. The support and understanding that comes with being in a group that already gets you (quirks and all) are healing and therapeutic. To be with folks who understand your struggles, aspirations, and ambitions is validating and encouraging. But don’t limit yourself to just HSP groups; branch out to find others with a common interest, hobby, goal, or desire and connect and share. Finding the right partner can be especially hard for HSPs. You are unique in your love, affection, and connection needs. You will need to be patient in finding that special partner that understands you, accepts you, and desires to spend time with you. Finding the right person is worth the wait. Finding the wrong person and forcing a fit is a recipe for misery. This is one area we HSPs need to get right. Spend time exploring your needs before going out into the world to find a partner. It will be well worth it. How much socialization do we need to do? It depends. Most HSPs I know don’t necessarily put a premium on constant socializing. However, whether we like it or not, we need to socialize to some extent, whether for work, education, or familial needs. Finding the right venues and people to associate with that make us feel appreciated and wanted is a good place to start. You, as an individual, can customize your social interactions to fit your needs and tastes. Cause or purpose I don’t think we all need to have a grand and deep purpose for being happy in life but having a mission can add meaning and value to your existence. This takes some soul searching, but I believe by looking deep (a thing HSPs do well), we can find our cause. I think it will call out to you if you listen. Use your creativity and imagination to parse through many options and combine and match the best to find your best fit. Finding your place or niche in the world is more than finding the right livelihood. It’s also about acceptance and embracing who you are. You may feel you are a round peg in a square world, but there are round holes in the universe of pegs; you just have to find them. It’s never too late. Don’t give up. Regardless of what stage of life you are in, you can do this. Encore career, purposeful retirement, just starting out, or mid-life crisis, when the opportunity arises, spring on it. HSPs are the most purpose-driven people I know. Likely, you are too. Don’t ignore meaning and purpose for money, status, or to meet others’ expectations. This is your life; recognize your uniqueness, find your path and travel down it. This path will largely dictate your experiences, and those experiences will inform your existence and wisdom. Don’t be afraid to be you. Your life satisfaction may depend on it. Please comment with your thoughts.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male Growing up in the Southern U.S. in the Sixties, my parents always instructed me to be a little gentleman. It meant to be polite, kind, noble of sorts, well dressed, and above all, not a ruffian. We were to treat young ladies as such and always defer to Southern gallantry in our social interactions. It seemed easy to me, as I was a pretty quiet, reserved boy who observed these stately protocols without much effort. Nevertheless, it was what was expected of me, and I delivered. When I hear this term today, my framework for this chivalric ideal has shifted over the years. It seems somewhat stuffy and dated now, and there appears to be some confusion about what females expect from men these days, where politeness and good manners are concerned, like holding doors open, etc. Now, this article is not a review of Emily Post etiquette but rather to examine a fundamental set of traits we once societally expected that men of good manners and good standing should exhibit. It is a code of honor of how men should behave and conduct themselves in public. Yes, it's old-fashioned, but let's see if we can update this a bit and modify it to fit nicely into a new outline model of masculinity with some HSP fine-tuning. What of the word, gentle? The origin of the term gentlemen comes from two separate roots, from the Latin, Gentilis meaning to be from a good family or tribe, which might explain its use in describing those of noble birth. The word man comes from Old English mann, certainly Germanic before, describing a human being, male or female, later settling into mainly about males. An apt description of a gentleman came from the Reverend John R. Vernon in 1869, which states, "[The Gentleman] is always truthful and sincere; will not agree for the sake of complaisance or out of weakness; will not pass over that of which he disapproves. He has a clear soul, and a fearless, straightforward tongue. On the other hand, he is not blunt and rude. His truth is courteous; his courtesy, truthful; never a humbug, yet, where he truthfully can, he prefers to say pleasant things. [The Rev. John R. Vernon, "The Grand Old Name of Gentleman," in Contemporary Review, vol. XI, May-August 1869] By that time, days of fighting knights and rescuing damsels in distress was more of the stuff of legend, and most gentlemen had settled into lives of the landed gentry, certainly a gentler, safer lifestyle. Nevertheless, this notion of good breeding always lingered in the background. Good breeding was supposed to produce good behavior; at least, that was the ideal. The history of chivalric behavior in men Chivalry was a code of behavior that formed during the 1100 and 1200s in Europe. It largely originates from the Carolingian Empire and the period of romanticizing soldiers and cavalrymen. The term's etymology refers to the Old French, chevalerie, or horse soldiery. Chivalry was heavily weighted with Christian ideals and warrior attributes that signaled bravery and prowess. Much of the code was about sacrifice, obligation, honor, and duty to serve and protect. Over time it is easy to see that the gallantry and chivalric deeds became highly romanticized. The reality of the brutality and fighting was softened with tales of honor and noble largesse. In modern times, chivalry morphed into gallantry, making it seem quaint and old-fashioned. Likewise, the ideals of protecting "fragile" women lost favor. Modern feminism and the notion of being a gentleman seem to have vanished with our modern shift in gender roles and expectations. But should we throw out the noble ideals of gentlemanly behavior? Is there still something worth salvaging here? What attributes should be assigned to a modern gentleman? If we were to morph the bones of gentlemanly conduct, what would we keep and what we discard? The shift away from combative arts to more cooperative behaviors might inform which attributes would be best to move forward. Instead of simple honor, obligation, protection, and warrior vices, perhaps we should replace them with characteristics like passion, strength (physical, emotional, and mental), wisdom, integrity, confidence, humility, compassion, empathy, creativity, and dare I say it? Sensitivity. These qualities are noble and often seen in ancient religious texts as virtues. These are traits that all men should aspire to. In fact, all humans should aspire to these. Many of these characteristics are normal and native to highly sensitive people. We HSPs have a natural, gentle nature. This is not a weakness or frailty but a thoughtful and contemplative style of living. Not reckless, like blind drunk passion, but purposeful, maybe meted and coaxed from yet tapped spontaneity. If we model a new masculinity With this as a new framework, we could model a contemporary masculinity. A true gentle man identity that would be fitting for a world that needs kindness and a good measure of gentleness. A gentle hand is a steady hand, a hand that can guide, point to new horizons, and extend to help others. We need not lose our maleness, our distinctive masculine drive. We simply need to tame the wildness. We need not forsake our bravery to move forward. We merely need to show courage's new face. We need not reject the instinct to protect. We simply need to use our protection wisely. We need not abandon our yang energy, the masculine; we simply must remember the yin energy (feminine) that resides in all of us. Being gentlemen allows us to be "gentle men," men of good standing, of good hearts of wise thought and purposeful action with impeccable intent. Let's bring the term gentle man into the twenty-first century and rebrand and reclaim it to reflect our times. It's no longer a term of advantage and privilege but one of service and humility. Please comment with your thoughts.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
I worked in a corporate environment for most of my career. I lasted for about 30 years until I finally ran into my professional Waterloo in 2010. It was a merger of two megabanks, the inevitable marriage of two disparate cultures brought about by the 2008 mortgage collapse. I don't know if that inspired the toxic environment of that merger, but the two cultures did not blend well. One a Southern and Eastern banking giant and the other a Midwestern and Western bank – a merger of equals on paper. The toxicity began early and lasted for me until I could not take it anymore. It was a cutthroat and uncivil merger with a backstabbing and dog-eating dog mentality and absolutely toxic for this HSP. I knew then that I was done. My health suffered under the weight of persistent stress, unrealistic deadlines, and ambiguous goals. I knew I had to get away, and I had to leave everything I knew, the comfort of the familiar, a steady paycheck, and old colleagues I had worked with for years. It was the smartest thing I've done in my life. And, perhaps, the bravest. Toxic environments, which often produce staff's toxic productivity expectations, are more common than ever today. Work-life balance is touted from mahogany row halls but rarely translates into reality for the workers far below. Squeezing the last hour out of every employee is a norm that is killing us all, but it is kryptonite for HSPs. What is toxic productivity? Toxic productivity, by definition, is an obsessive need always to be productive, regardless of the cost to personal health, relationships, and life. It is a bias toward "doing" instead of being, appearing to be busy, thus extolling the virtues of productivity. Toxic productivity has been around for a long time but is reflective of the workaholism of 2022. It is an "always on" mentality that values every hour of every day as an opportunity to produce. There is no room for downtime, no time for self or self-reflection, and no time for rest. A toxic corporate energy mindset focuses on consuming production to facilitate profit. It is symptomatic of modern-day Capitalism, exploiting the worker and creating the toxic work environments we see more and more of. And yes, I'm going after Capitalism. Any economic system that is out of balance risks going off the rails, and if not to benefit the many, what benefit does it have for society? Toxic workplaces condone and elicit toxic productivity. The worker must keep at productivity to keep up, sacrificing more of their lives to keep the wheel spinning. What is the cause? It easily profits the corporate owners, but the reason the workers continue to accept this is the long-held and almost sacred Puritan work ethic that was foundational for this country. Although supported by Catholics before the Reformation, this work ethic founded in Protestant Christian theology emphasizes diligence, discipline, and frugality. A premium is placed on not being idle, which of course, is the Devil's workshop according to the old adage. Anyone not pulling their weight is considered a person of low respect. Merging this "all work no play" philosophy with the emergence of Capitalism was a natural marriage. This concession of millions of workers can largely be attributed to guilt and shame for not meeting the expectations of this outdated work ethic. Yet, studies have shown that 80% of work productivity issues are directly related to the environment in which these employees work. Toxic workplaces have many components, including issues around ostracism, narcissism, bullying, incivility, aggressiveness, and harassment. Toxic bosses, long the drivers of toxic productivity, can lead employees to job burnout and contribute to employee mental and physical health issues, depression, anxiety, work overload, and sleeping problems. Toxic workers, who may become emboldened by a toxic work environment, are prone to creating more toxicity amongst their coworkers. Therefore, toxic bosses, often defined by their overconfidence and tendency towards exploitation, can model toxic productivity as an unstated but assumed requirement for success at the company. This toxicity is bad for the employees and directly affects productivity for the company, defeating the purpose of getting more from employees. It has been shown that 8% of workers' health-related costs can be attributed to bad management. Talk about screwing your cha-cha here. Yet, somehow, this must be overlooked in M.B.A. programs. What's a toxic work environment look like for HSPs? If these environments are toxic for the masses, then HSPs will likely never thrive here. Anything with a prerequisite of toxic productivity will suck the life out of most HSPs. I'm not saying we are not stoic or willing to take one for the team, but really, we should be very wary of a work environment that has any of the following characteristics:
One work-life coach advises that we exercise a sense of professional detachment to work. Too much work and too little life are not good. This means learning to say no. In today's work climate, more and more people are letting their feet do the talking if an environment no longer meets their expectations. This concept of work as an extension of who we are instead of the dreaded state of being a "job" seems to align with what younger workers demand. I hope that employers are taking notice. Workers are now more mobile and selective. If the work environment feels toxic for you, it probably is, and you should take notice. Not fitting in is a feeling many HSPs experience. The point is – to find the right fit for you. Work can be a source of great achievement and feelings of accomplishment. Meaningful and purposeful work can bring you great satisfaction and joy. Truly, there are many elements to the right work, but only you are the one that will know for sure if it is the right fit for you. There is no shame in continually striving and looking for that fit. Remember the orchid metaphor that you will not thrive and grow in the wrong environment. You are the orchid. If you can't find the right fit, consider creating your perfect environment. More and more HSPs are becoming solo entrepreneurs, whether baking bread, coaching fellow HSPs, becoming counselors or therapists, or finding some extremely creative and novel way of bringing a business to life. When you are in charge, the environment you create will be good for you, and likely, others you hire will see it as a dream job to work with you and the harmonious environment you create. This is very important to all HSPs. The environment is everything to us. Work consumes much of everyone's day, and why shouldn't you have a great work environment that will aid in your thriving and growing? We must treat this as a priority in our lives. Take stock of yourself and craft the world in which you can live your best life with your abundant creative energy. Toxic productivity, workplaces, and bosses are things you don't have to tolerate. Please comment with your thoughts.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
When I was an undergrad in Psychology in the 70s, I was drawn to Humanistic and Transpersonal Psychology. These movements that predated my attendance at school were schools of thought that I could easily wrap my head around. As a young HSP psychology student, it made perfect sense to focus on how one could achieve the best from oneself. These two thought platforms of Psychology seemed to do that nicely and reflected my personal beliefs about the growth of the individual. Led by Abraham Maslow and later Carl Rogers, Maslow felt that a study of human motivation and subsequent behavior should be based on what could be called aspirational needs and foundational needs represented by a hierarchical structure. This emphasized personal growth and not psychopathology as its cornerstone. This revolutionary idea reflected the sixties' mood towards the individual as an expression of creativity and personal development. Maslow developed a structure that became the basis for the hierarchy of needs (HON). It focused on two sets of major category needs, deficiency needs, and growth or being needs. The deficiency needs were needs that, when unmet, created a deficit in the individual's life and formed a driver to meeting those needs. For example, food, shelter, and safety were deficiency needs. The growth needs were largely aspirational needs that expanded the individual's growth horizon. These needs lay largely outside of the necessary needs that kept the individual alive. Maslow developed this theory largely to counter the psychoanalytic theories of Freud, which focused on psychopathology, and the automaton-like theories of the strict Behaviorists, such as Skinner, which saw behavior as a simple animalistic stimulus-response. Humanistic Psychology was what Maslow termed the third force in psychology and accounted for a holistic approach to motivation emphasizing creativity, free will, and human potential. The gist of this movement was to highlight that when fundamental survival needs are met, humans naturally seek higher growth goals to be all they can be. The existential goal was to pursue a state of self-actualization, where individuals found and experienced meaning and purpose in life that was unique to them. This was not a static, permanent state but a state of becoming, where one could experience wonder, joy, and euphoria in one's life endeavors via peak experiences. Of course, this was all very enticing to me, a young and idealistic man seeking meaning and purpose in my life. But, Is there really a hierarchy of needs for humans? Legend has it that Maslow found inspiration in a study he did of the Blackfoot Native Americans in Minnesota. When he studied the Blackfoot society, he found an enormous emphasis on cooperation, purposeful elimination of inequality, sharing, giving, and a great degree of self-esteem in the Blackfoot culture. The perplexing thing to Maslow was that the Blackfoot Nation was about raising the tide for all, where success meant all succeeded. His theory of self-actualization was not supported as a top-of-the-chart aspiration by Blackfoot society. Rather this notion of self-actualization was taught as a foundational human right, introduced to the young from the beginning of life. The next need/goal for the Blackfoot society was community actualization, supporting the whole community – where all benefit from the emphasis on community needs over the individual need. And at the top was the sense of cultural perpetuity, that passing on of cultural heritage, the looking back to the lessons of seven generations back and being responsible for seven generations into the future. This notion so astutely put by Native Peoples puts some doubt on the idea that human motivation is solely about the needs of the individual, but rather with the focus on the community, the needs of the group matter as much or more than the aspirations of one single person. Western culture has evolved to emphasize individual responsibility, behavior, and reward over the centuries. Maslow's hierarchy of needs was indeed a useful framework and a product of the times. It was a softer, less cynical approach to human motivation than pure psychopathology and less mechanical and soulless than the Behaviorists. The original model proposed five stages ranging from 1) Physiological needs basic to human survival (i.e., food, clothing, shelter, sleep, etc.) 2) Safety needs, security and safety needs, 3) Love and belongingness needs – human emotional and relational needs, 4) Esteem needs, respect, self-esteem and accomplishment and 5) Self Actualization needs – personal potential, personal growth, peak experiences. These basic five have been added to over the years. Maslow's HON was adopted by educators and had implications for business and corporate environments. A simple hierarchical formula for motivation was seized upon by those looking to motivate students and employees. If there is practical application, I suppose that gives credence to a theory. The problem is that Maslow's theory has not been universally supported by evidence-based research, which becomes the validation point for all things scientific. In addition, cultural studies have shown that the placement of priority needs varies between cultures and even between age groups. Kaufman's modern reinterpretation of this model. Later in his life, he began to rethink much of what he had earlier articulated. Scott Barry Kaufman, a leading cognitive psychologist and scholar of humanistic psychology, has helped reinterpret some of this model via Maslow's later in life letters and papers. Kaufman, in his book Transcend, takes much of what Maslow has stated and offers support for many of his ideas via more recent research. He has used his own metaphor (a sailboat) and eschews the whole triangle/ pyramid schematic for something more functional in lieu of today's research. As do many now, Kaufman states that the idea of a stepped approach to growth should not be rigid, and various needs can be aspired to at once. He describes self-actualization in terms of three main requirements: exploration, love, and purpose. At the lower levels of needs, he describes security as comprised of self-esteem, connection, and safety. Above his model is the need for transcendence, that sense of growth as an individual and with unity and harmony in the larger world. I believe Kaufman's updates are perfect for our times. So, does Maslow HON still hold water for our times? I think so as a framework. What's still good about it? The identification of fundamental needs may indeed be universal. As humans, the requirement for physiological needs fulfillment is key to survival. The need for safety, security, and acceptance is pretty important, as we are indeed social animals. But above and beyond that, it gets very fuzzy. As we move up the list, the importance of needs or even defining critical needs becomes more and more difficult as you move through cultures, age groups, and perhaps even gender. Maybe the more complicated the society you live in reflects the complexity that might come about as needs you reach for outside of the fundamentals becomes apparent. Perhaps, we should think about circles and clouds instead of a stair-stepping pyramid. Can we make a practice of the hierarchy of needs for HSPs? As far as the usefulness of this model for HSPs, I still think there is validity here. HSPs tend to be purpose and meaning-driven individuals. We could almost live or aspire to be in the top section of self-actualization and be pretty damn happy about that. However, once we've met our fundamentals, I think the sky could be the limit for HSPs looking for a working framework to chart their lives. Perhaps, an Ikigai like Venn Diagram would be more useful. What matters is that we recognize what our own individual needs are. What constitutes success in a well-lived life will most likely vary from individual to individual. But what could this framework mean to us – a checklist, a plan, a needs assessment, or just an aspirational model, a vague roadmap with lots of scenic stop-offs and vista points? Not to be flippant, but all of the above might apply. Looking forward with the hierarchy of needs. Maslow explored and theorized about human motivation. This was probably a good thing during the heyday of Industrial/Organizational Psychology. We know now that HON is not a simple staircase to climb one level at a time. The model suggested progression but was not as dynamic as I think the newer models offer. Instead of levels of needs, perhaps, what we need is various points along a field where needs arise and subside as we go through a meaningful life. We deal with them as they arise, a problem to be solved and reckoned with, only to spawn another need. Then again, maybe we need to go back to a simpler model. Please comment with your thoughts.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
In the sixties and seventies, a slew of movies depicted the disaffected American male anti-hero - Clint Eastwood as Dirty Harry or the High Plains Drifter, Charles Bronson in Death Wish, Tom Laughlin as Billy Jack, Sylvester Stallone as Rambo, to name a few. These idealized males were seen as lone enforcers and protectors unfettered by convention, the law, or society. They were motivated by righteous indignation seeking vengeance who would break the law to enforce it. The history of these anti-heroes goes back to the stories of Robin Hood and Don Quixote and goes back even further to classic Greek drama. What makes these characters enticing is that there generally is an inciting event, usually a death, murder, or some severe wrong perpetrated by the villain against the anti-hero or something seen as valuable to the protagonist, and the remainder of the story is the ruthless pursuit of justice by the anti-hero. Of course, we know that the anti-hero follows a path of moral ambiguity. Still,the emotion of vengeance is the justification for the punishment meted out by our hero. Whether the codification of males as protectors influenced these stories or a preexisting code always has existed that informed the stories is debatable. Nevertheless, this model of men as overprotectors, wielding violence and lawlessness to justify the ends, needs to be revisited. It may make for great drama, a two-hour festival of schadenfreude, but is this model a model for boys and men to aspire to? Is there anything wrong with men wanting to be protectors? No, not necessarily. It is instinctive to want to protect the people you love and who are under your care. Therefore, it is natural to invoke protector mode when circumstances warrant this behavior. However, vigilantism is another matter. Vigilantism is when someone breaks the law to pursue their own version of personal justice. Taking the law into your own hands to promote violence to seek vengeance is a form of dominance and forced submission. Creating your personal justice to quell a surge of emotional vindictiveness is just plain wrong and, when acted upon by men, gives the masculine instincts to protect a bad name. This attitude translates heavily into other areas, such as politics, religion, and even corporate retaliatory actions, often spurred by egoistic individuals. A world of wrong-headed emotionalism about a perceived wrong leads to irrational actions that can have terrible consequences for all parties involved. Movies may popularize this notion of rightful vigilantism, but nowhere does humane and just law support it. Instead, our continued worship of anti-heroes and superheroes seems to perpetuate the myth of male exceptionalism, which sometimes requires men to disregard the law and preserve some mythical higher truth or justice. It’s an embarrassing truth that many American men have adopted this attitude. It traced its roots to the Dark Ages when the medieval aristocratic gentry waged private wars and feuds to exact revenge above and beyond the law. This notion of authority outside of the law created antecedents to what we now term hegemonic masculinity. When protectiveness goes wrong. If you have viewed the movie heroes, I listed above, you will note that they take vengeance to another level. It’s not always tit for tat but sometimes goes toward righteous indignation, where the anti-hero is judge and jury meting out punishment often above and beyond the crime. This type of protectionism illustrates a kind of ownership and dominance that many men feel they must provide for their loved ones. It is often about power and control. For example, the exuberant father who escorts his daughter on her first date, spies on her date, or worse, threatens the young suiter if he broaches the deadline to have her home. This is not about acknowledging the underlying anger that may accompany a wrong but the controlled behavior needed to remain calm and civilized. Regardless of the perceived wrongdoing, it is not about an individual’s justice but law and order. For too long, we have worshipped the hero that determines the crime and the punishment, the vigilante as the maverick hero. What is a better model for protecting one’s interests? For one, you can stop assuming that everyone is out to get your loved ones or you. But, on the other hand, it is not blithely ignoring the reality of crime in our society either. With all things, a sense of balanced vigilance will suit the purpose. As a protector, your role is to define the boundaries which you will defend if necessary. Boundaries provide a sense of identity and trust, safety, and security. Your job is to protect, not to control. Therefore, consider a measured approach that does not exceed the law. Learning to control explosive emotions such as anger or rage is important. Emotional regulation is difficult when events seem threatening but remaining calm gives you an advantage even if you are called into an active posture. Not only over your assailant but over your instinctive emotions. Channel as much into legal remedies as possible. In an emergency situation where life and death decisions are needed, protecting oneself and loved ones is paramount. Be skilled in delivering that protection, don’t go beyond the law, and don’t always feel you are vindicated by invoking violence. Are anti-heroes a valid model for men? Why are they so popular in movies? The American mythos of the lone gunman, the maverick vigilante, the expedient dispenser of justice, the fearless warrior, mighty and strong, not asking for help from the law but taking it upon himself to exact revenge. The notion that there is a noble purpose in their vengeance, a special holy mission to provide payback and enact this in an efficient and unobstructed way, appeals to our cultural definition of the ideal male. Much of this cultural iconography comes from our romanticized views of the American West, where miles of lawless territory presided by distant circuit judges far away and the idea that swift popular justice superseded the law—allowed for vigilantism to permeate our mindset. The appeal is palpable. It’s an emotional roller coaster. First, shock at the perpetuating event, then riding the emotional high to action (fight mode), and then completion at defeating the enemy, nicely wrapped up in two hours of celluloid emotional payoff. The problem with this model, although perfect for movies, is that it often plays out in real life. We see it in politics, social media, sports, and now sadly and ironically, at the Academy Awards. This model is not about balance. And, it doesn’t work for most men. Now, I know that I had experienced anger and rage when one of my loved ones was threatened. But unfortunately, I didn’t find out until after the fact, too late to do anything. As an HSP male, I often wonder what emotions would play out for me under some of these circumstances. We all have hot buttons and can be moved to action by uncontrolled rage or anger. However, as HSP males, we need to learn to regulate our emotions to use emotional energy for constructive purposes. I doubt that HSP males would make good vigilantes, but can we make good role models for calm and controlled defensive action. We, like all men, must learn to control our rage, anger, and fears. Channel the emotional energy into finding justice under the law. We should and must protect, as would any parent, the family or loved ones, and those we care for without submitting to raging violence and vigilantism. Please comment with your thoughts.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
In the early seventies, when I was in college, a group of my friends and myself decided to signup for Transcendental Meditation training. It all seemed so cool and trendy to learn meditation. There was a student meditation society that trained us in the meditation technique that Maharishi Mahesh Yogi had taught the Beatles. Later on, that same group became part of the Maharishi University based in Iowa. One of the intriguing ideas they suggested was that Maharishi had said that it only would take about one percent of a target population to meditate on topics like peace and affect change. For example, the target population (a city) would note a decrease in violent crime. Later, it was changed to become the square root of one percent, but the point was that a small group of people with focused intent could change the world. I never forgot that. Over the past few years, I have stated that HSPs can have that same effect – The Maharishi Effect, if you will. We are a small number of people worldwide by percentages, but still, our numbers are significant. Dr. Aron has stated, as have other researchers, that the HSP characteristic is an evolutionary adaptation to aid the larger population of humans. The fact that the size of our community is small is also scientifically significant and makes are role to humanity clear. There has never been a time in human history when we need HSPs more to take on advisory and leadership roles to keep self-destructive human behaviors from destroying our species. I believe one of the drivers for this behavior is the long-held attachment to toxic masculinity. As I have stated before, masculinity is largely a cultural construct. Yet there is a form of masculinity that many men have adopted to represent their manhood that is toxic not only to women and children but also to men themselves. It is restrictive, non-inclusive, and goes against many fundamental human behaviors. HSP men can take a role in reshaping the distortion of masculinity by modeling behaviors that seem natural to us: empathy, emotional expressiveness, nurturing, intuition, and deep, careful thought. In effect, we can be role models for a new definition of what men can become. I have a three-pronged approach that I believe most HSP men can adopt to keep it simple. Become Knowledgeable About the Trait of Sensitivity First, we need to ensure that HSPs and particularly HSP men become more knowledgeable about the trait of sensitivity. Knowledge and understanding lead to acceptance. Many HSP men are reluctant to admit that they are sensitive. They have bought into or have been indoctrinated into the traditional male role model and feel that accepting sensitivity is a weakness. Nothing could be further from the truth. We should focus on several items, which I think paint the trait more positively. One, look to the trait's origin as part of the Environmental Sensitivity Theory, which describes an organism's interaction and reaction to its environment. This leads to the idea that sensitivity is a basic human quality and falls on a spectrum from low to high. The adaptation characteristics fall across the human population. The high end is where the HSP community is found. Being sensitive is normal. Two, understanding the traits of high sensitivity, following the D.O.E.S. model that Dr. Aron has proposed. Some of the four characteristics (O & E) are external manifestations of the other largely internal characteristics (D & S). For example, deep processing and sensory acuity often contribute to emotional reactivity and overwhelm. These traits do not make you a freak or less of a man. Three, know that the HSP trait is evolutionary and is designed by nature. It is a safeguard to the species and is necessary. That makes you essential. Let that sink in. Finally, think of this trait as a human specialization. That makes you a specialist human. You're different, yes, but you were designed that way. So, learn and grow into the trait. Know the sources where you can learn more about the trait. Google high sensitivity, and you will find many sites to learn more. Stay with the reputable ones. Dr. Aron's would be a good place to start www.hsperson.com . In addition, you can join social media groups such as Facebook to learn and share with other HSPs and search for highly sensitive terms. Understand the traits' positives and challenges, realize what challenges are most vexing to you, and learn to ameliorate them or modulate them. Most of this might be simply learning how to regulate your emotions or calm your mind during overwhelm. Finally, see the trait as a gift, it may be a stretch at first, but with open eyes, you will see it eventually. Embrace and Be Proud of Who You Are Once you have learned the qualities, challenges, and gifts of the trait, begin reevaluating your life through your new knowledge and the prism of high sensitivity. When you understand the difficulties you experience are shared by millions of people worldwide, the feelings of isolation you may have had begin to dissipate. Be proud of who you are, part of an elite corps of individuals with purpose, meaning, and mission. Walk with confidence as a sensitive person, no matter what you call it or how you describe it to others. Remember the DOES model to aid you in being clear, accurate, and concise. No need to apologize, nor should you. Act by Modeling the Trait to Other Men and Boys I believe that all sensitive people have the capacity to affect change in the world, either small and local or large and global. So you can start now impacting the lives of all the people you contact, especially other HSPs, HSP children, young adults, and other men who may not be HSPs. Model the qualities you inherently know that are positive: kindness, compassion, empathy, nurturance, and intuitive thinking. Let your empathy be your compass; let your inner knowledge and intuition be your guide. You can impact the places you are at - work, your community, your family, your spiritual community, your friends, and your neighbors. We don't have to carry banners, protest, march or even organize. We can do this the HSP way, quietly, shifting minds with our actions and creativity. How HSP Men Can Change the World One major way HSP men can affect the world is by helping redefine how masculinity looks, feels, and acts. Begin discussing with other males and, when appropriate, the need for change, especially in how we behave like men. Show other men how emotional expression and sensitivity can be cathartic and useful tools in everyday life. Be the trail guide many men are looking for, especially younger men. You've walked the path before them; share your experience and knowledge with them. You don't need a PH.D. to do that. It is a time-honored tradition, the wisdom of the tribe you are sharing. And most of all, model the behaviors that are natural and easy for you more often than not. Lasting impactful change often takes years to manifest. Be patient; chip away like ocean water against the rocks. Understand that change is already occurring. Embrace the younger generations that are already cutting the path for this change. The shift will most impact them that many of them see as needed. Remember that we are all in this together, men, women, and children, HSP and non-HSP. The world is at a critical juncture right now. To course-correct for the massive ship of humanity is an enormous effort. Our children and grandchildren are counting on our counsel and support. Be an early adopter of the new man. You may be the prototype. Please comment with your thoughts.  Dr. Tracy Cooper is debuting a new, more positive name for Highly Sensitive Person. The guest article is his previously published announcement for how the new name came about and why it was chosen. Reprinted with permission.
Why I Am Now Using the Term High Sensory Intelligence Instead of Highly Sensitive Person Dr. Tracy Cooper, Ph.D. The use of the word ‘intelligence’ may raise a few eyebrows but allow me to lay out a simplified way we can reasonably and accurately use ‘High Sensory Intelligence’ as a better, non-stigmatizing popular culture term than the existing ‘Highly Sensitive Person,’ which carries with it deep emotional and cultural weight for many of us who identify with sensory processing sensitivity. Preface these remarks with this statement, I am NOT offering ‘High Sensory Intelligence’ as a replacement term for Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS). SPS is the clinical scientific name you will see in the peer-reviewed journal articles. Sensory Processing Sensitivity will always be the official name of the trait originated by Elaine Aron, Ph.D. The pop culture term that is used out in the world, though needs to be immediately positive in tone, free of any negative stigma, and purpose driven; Highly Sensitive Person does not fulfill that role. I believe that ‘High Sensory Intelligence’ can serve us quite effectively. I realize that the use of the word ‘intelligence’ bears defining and articulating a rationale for its usage without getting beyond the scope of the way the word ‘intelligence’ is being used. There are many theories of intelligence but the one that I have found to be most appropriate in the way that I suggest relates to the work of cognitive psychologist, Scott Barry Kaufman, Ph.D., who has a particularly interesting personal story that many people who identify with Sensory Processing Sensitivity may also find compelling and that led him to suggest that a new way of looking at intelligence was needed. Scott’s story involves high test anxiety on IQ tests and his poor performance and classification as a special needs student until he was in 9th grade. IQ testing is primarily focused on linear reasoning and has its utility in predicting many factors in one’s life but is limited in its ability to encapsulate the real world of how humans live and develop over a lifetime. Enter Kaufman’s work to reframe intelligence, and education, as inclusive of the whole person and how we might honor curiosity, openness, creativity, and exploration. In his dual processing theory of intelligence, Kaufman integrates prior work, such as Gardener’s theory of multiple intelligences, which posits that intelligence is not finite, with his own unique perspective on the role of spontaneous forms of thinking, intuitive thinking, daydreaming, imaginative play, and learning that occurs incidentally (implicit learning). The way humans adapt to the demands of a given task, often increasing our capacities beyond our potential allows us to think of ‘intelligence’ as fluid, developmental, and real-world oriented. How does this include those who identify with sensory processing sensitivity? Sensory processing sensitivity is a personality trait, or adapted psychological mechanism, that evolved through the natural process of necessity meeting potential. In our hunter-gatherer period, not so long ago in geological time, humans needed to ‘read’ the natural environment with great skill to know where to find resources, viable areas for tribes to live at different points in the year, and to stay safe. Those who were higher in an overall sensitivity to both the natural and interpersonal environments proved to yield a slight advantage on the average, so sensory processing sensitivity remained in the gene pool to be passed down through the generations. In that vast time period, it was simple to understand the how and why of 15-20% of the population being more open and aware of danger but also opportunities. This developmental and whole-person view of intelligence imparts an intentionality and purpose to our lives as High Sensory Intelligence people. Many of us report being stigmatized early in life for a variety of reasons but imagine if there had been advocates and professionals in society utilizing different terminology to describe Sensory Processing Sensitivity! How much more accessible and inviting would it have appeared if High Sensory Intelligence were used to describe the intuition, deeper processing, high empathy, emotional range, and awareness of subtle nuance that Sensory Processing Sensitivity is known for? It is staggering and sobering to have to acknowledge the shallow and superficial level of rational thinking in our species where first-reaction judgements become set in stone, as with ‘highly sensitive person.’ If we truly wish for Sensory Processing Sensitivity to reach the 15-20% of the world’s population with this natural and neutral personality trait, we need to be adaptable enough in our messaging to recognize when a ‘pivot’ is necessary to move away from the stigma attached to a simple term. In short, there is a better term available that is adequately descriptive of the D.O.E.S. core features of Sensory Processing Sensitivity that is positive in tone and stigma free, High Sensory Intelligence. For those who speak or write about Sensory Processing Sensitivity often, here is a brief synopsis you might use to describe High Sensory Intelligence: High Sensory Intelligence is a personality trait with a purpose and that is to help all of us survive through changing and challenging times and circumstances. High Sensory Intelligence is
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The basis of Sensory Processing Sensitivity is rooted in Environmental Sensitivity Theory. Environmental Sensitivity Theory is concerned with organisms' relative reaction to environmental factors and has several components, one of which is Sensory Processing Sensitivity. This is an important framework for people with High Sensitivity to know and understand. It helps us understand the underlying structure of why we are the way we are in many ways. We now know that sensitivity is a part of a spectrum ranging from low (dandelions) to medial (tulips) to high (orchids). Sensitivity measures our reaction to stimuli in the environment, primarily sensory inputs. So it's not only about our sensing but our perceptions and, more importantly, our responses to this stimulus. This implies that those low on the scale have less reaction to environmental change and those with high sensitivity have greater reactions to the same changes. From an evolutionary standpoint, it made me wonder, were there significant differences in how low, middle, and high sensitivity affected survival – was one group more adept at survival over the other. Was one more adapted to change than the others? What implications does sensitivity have in adaptation? Or does each group have adaptations that enhance their survival rates based on their sensitivity? More on Environmental Sensitivity Theory Environmental Sensitivity Theory is rooted in the study of organisms' reactions and adaptations to environments. The theory is based on a framework of several sensitivity models that include the Diathesis-stress model (adverse environment response), Vantage Sensitivity (positive environment response), Differential Susceptibility (some individuals are affected more by negative and positive environments), Biological Sensitivity to Context (sensitivity is impacted by environment) and Sensory Processing Sensitivity (the genetic basis of high sensitivity - HSPs). The discovery of the SPS model by Dr. Elaine Aron, suggesting a genetic basis for individuals who process environmental sensitivity at a higher rate, has led to theories on a distribution model of general sensitivity within the human population. This theory has given rise recently to the flower metaphor, in which three distinct categories of sensitivity exist within the human population. This has implications for the adaptability of all three populations that may have some consequence for survivability. Are Low environmentally sensitive individuals better adapted? The reference for low environmentally sensitive (ES) individuals is to that of a dandelion. Dandelions are hardy, grow under the worst conditions, and are seemingly prolific. Does this make them less environmentally dependent? If so, would that not make them able to adapt to changing conditions much more readily – hence, would they be more adaptable and have a greater chance for survival? Yet, I wonder if this adaptability might not serve as a disadvantage? Since they are intrinsically less sensitive to environmentals and are more prone to take more risks within the environment. Would this also not put them in harm's way more often? Might this factor lead to an early demise or embolden them to take life-altering chances? Truly there are advantages to taking risks, but also consequences. Perhaps, there are good reasons why this group only makes up about 30% of the population. Responsivity is not correlated necessarily with sensitivity, so this is pure conjecture. But behavior is often driven by perception and the likelihood of perceived success. These behaviors might make these low-sensitivity types more likely to engage in risky behavior to explore and expand their life situations. This could be a good thing. High environmentally sensitive individuals and survivability If Low ES individuals are prone to risk and high adaptability, then what could be said of the High ES (HSP) individuals? Are the HSPs readily made and better suited for adaptability because of their caution, inhibition, and sensitivity to environmental conditions? Is this like a sixth sense about safety and survival? Yet, the theories propose that High ES individuals do much worse when environmental conditions are worse (see Differential Susceptibility) than when they are good. Does that make them less productive and less prone to survive? Are HSPs because of this tendency to do poorly in less ideal conditions making them less adaptive? Are HSPs more risk-averse if the conditions are harsher? But what if the HSP's cautious and mindful Nature makes them better at navigating extreme conditions avoiding high risks, and surviving at all costs. Would that not make them better suited to survive? HSPs make up about 20 % of the human population. The broad Middle environmentally sensitive individuals Considering the extremes, both high and low ES, would that make the medial ES individuals the best group for survival? The middle group would be less likely to take greater risks in the environment, be hardier than the top group, and combine the best of both high and low. Sounds feasible, but could they be more dependent on the High and Low ES groups for leadership, counsel, and guidance? Are there more followers in the group? Are they happier, more satisfied, and less likely to make changes because of their relative satisfaction? Again, this is all speculative—so many questions. Are the Low and Middle ES people, in some ways, dependent on the High ES group? As I have stated multiple times, Dr. Aron and others believe that Nature has baked in the High ES trait into the population for evolutionary/survival reasons. Could the High ES group be the wise and mindful group that, through the normal reactions to the environment, serve as the proverbial "canary in the coal mine?" Because of our sensitivity to environmentals, does this make us well suited to serving that purpose of divination, sage guidance, and early warnings? And would that make HSPs better advisors than leaders? What role does EST play in informing about this notion? I wonder if, in some ways, HSPs are more evolved humans. Better adapted to the best conditions, prone to thrive in the best conditions, and as a group a biomarker for seeking and living in the best conditions. Does EST say something about this? Does The larger population really need HSPs to survive? I guess that all three groups perform specific functions to aid in the survival of the larger group. Based on the EST model, it would seem that each group continues to survive because they serve a particular function for the aggregate. Each group is designed to adapt based on their requirements and would enhance the overall survivability of the species, covering the other weaknesses. I suppose every garden needs its dandelions, tulips, and orchids to thrive. Perhaps, that's how Nature has designed it. Please comment with your thoughts.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Like many Highly Sensitive People, I often ask a simple question, “What’s wrong with the word Sensitive?” I mean, it’s a word with multiple meanings, but the one that we home in is the one that tells the story of our lives. Unfortunately, it is the one-word trait that is more often than not used in the pejorative to describe our nature that is either abhorred or tolerated by less sensitive folks. We live in a culture that values emotional detachment, stone-cold decision making, logical, warrior-like capabilities that seem so distant from the core behaviors of the clan of highly sensitive people. Our culture views sensitivity as a weakness, a lack of discipline, control, or maturity. An unfair and false assessment, if there ever was one. This judgment is especially hard on HSP males, who already have difficulty with the trait in lieu of expectations the culture sets for masculine behavior. Technically our trait is called sensory processing sensitivity, which is tied directly to environmental sensitivity theory. It embraces the notion that environmental sensory sensitivity is expressed on a spectrum from high to low. The term sensory processing sensitivity is a mouthful but sounds much more palatable than just plain “sensitive.” Yet, here we are, almost thirty years after Dr. Aron coined the term highly sensitive persons, and we still struggle with the concatenation of that sensitive moniker. Sensitive men struggle with the brand. Stacked up against their non-HSP peers, it does make them seem to be, well, less masculine. But, what does sensitive really mean? We know the term has multiple meanings, but why do we choose the most degrading definition. We need to do some serious renovation on how the term sensitive is used, dig a little deeper and put some fine points on the explanation of the term to truly capture the complex nature of high sensitivity and reframe the meaning. Definition of Sensitive As stated above, the definition of sensitive in Webster’s is multi-tiered. I’m not going to recite the definition verbatim but will recap the main descriptions. The first definition is as an adjective referring to SENSORY. That’s it, one word - sensitive is a sensory-based term. So far, so good. The second definition states that sensitive is receptive to sense impressions. Again, good. That makes everyone sensitive. The third definition starts to get to the heart of the matter; highly responsive or susceptible to a) easily hurt or damaged – especially emotional hurt. Or b) delicately aware of attitudes and feelings of others. Now notice the keywords – hurt, damaged, and delicate. Not exactly how I’d like to be described when I say that I am sensitive. When we move to the noun definitions, we get: 1) a person having occult or psychical abilities. Or, and here it is 2) a sensitive person. Nowhere is the definition describing sensory processing sensitivity, not even like - one with the personality trait of sensory processing sensitivity. So when you have a word that describes over a billion people on the planet and no specific description of them or accounting of them in the dictionary, that’s why we have a problem with the word sensitive. Even in the Urban Dictionary, there isn’t a clear definition of the popular cultural definition of sensitive that accounts for HSPs. Yet, all HSPs are aware of the stigma that goes with the term sensitive, as it is popularly used to describe people with HSP characteristics. For example, we are often seen as emotionally weak, neurotic, or drama kings or queens. As for HSP males, we are seen as effeminate, ineffectual, and often self-absorbed and odd. None of this, of course, is true. I sometimes think we are often framed by the least sensitive people by these worst possible definitions simply because they cannot see, hear, feel, smell, and taste the world the way we do. Their ignorance drives the narrative about who we are. Their impatience with our deep processing ways exceeds their capacities to value our thoughtfulness. Their lack of empathy causes their name calling, and their largely extraverted ways do not tolerate our need for solitary solace. So this lower twenty percent, although more adaptable, yet less environmentally sensitive, are calling the shots…for now. Reframing the word “Sensitive” It’s not likely that we will be able to rename the trait to something that describes us in better ways. We are too far down the road for that. And, I do not, repeat, do not fault Dr. Aron for her choice of words. It was a command decision at a point in time, it fit, and she went with it. And that is what we have to work with. We can make the term more acceptable within the HSP community first. We have to have a definition that is empowering and something we can all get behind. The challenge is creating either a derivative of sensitive or perhaps developing a description that evokes the gifts and a certain degree of positivity to the word without losing the original intention depicting a highly sensitive person. The new sub definition of sensitive should be focused on strong words that imply the strengths and sensitivity of HSPs that suggest giftedness and normality. For HSP men, associating these positive descriptors will help in allowing more HSPs men to embrace the trait when seen in the light of its positive attributes. We almost need a collective push to get that idea out there. How to make the word more palatable. The next step is to socialize the new definitions to the masses. I like Dr. Tracy Cooper’s idea of metaphorically describing high sensitivity to a finely tuned measuring device. It reinforces the precision in which we sense the world yet implies a quirkiness that often occurs in such finely tuned tools as finicky but very environmentally sensitive. The upside and the downside go together, with the downside needing a bit more attention, but knowing that it does not negate the worth of the tool. By socializing such metaphors and descriptions, we can teach the strong traits of HSPs and their practical use to society (as implied by our evolutionary purpose). We can then build acceptance within the non-HSP audience. Most importantly, we need to empower HSP men to feel good about the term considering the definition limitations of present masculinity. And, with that, HSP men need to own the word sensitive and proudly speak of it. Addressing the sensitivity deniers There will always be those who deny that highly sensitive is a personality trait, often referring to it as a splash of common disorders. Even among the scientific community, there are doubters. Nevertheless, we can only do what we can do by planting seeds based on the emerging validating science. Looking at the spectrum of sensitivity, we should move forward educating the top 20 percent of the population that are HSPs. This group will be the low-hanging fruit. It may be necessary to convince even some of our own about the trait and sell them on its positives. The challenges within the trait are there too. We need to educate and train HSPs on coping and living with high sensitivity, showing them there is a benefit to being an HSP. It’s hard to realize the gift when you are constantly fighting fires. Next, we move to the big middle – the hump in the bell curve—the big 60 percenters. The upper 30% of that population will be the most like us, and I think they will be most open to accepting the trait in others and to some degree within themselves. So this group, together with us, represents the upper 50 % of the environmental sensitivity spectrum. This is where the greatest work will be done – acceptance of terminology and the trait. And the reframing of sensitive. The next 30 percent of the spectrum is on the downslope of the curve. We may be able to make some inroads here, but as the curve slopes downward, we will not receive complete acceptance, but we can convince some with persistence. Then, finally, the lower 20 percent. I think this will be a waste of time. We may never be able to convince them of the science, they see the world from their own lens, and it likely has no tolerance for highly sensitive people. Let them go. We should use metaphors and analogies to explain the trait in reaching out to others. For those that can comprehend the science, feed them that too. We can mix, match, and develop parables that everyone can relate to in describing who we are and why we are designed this way. Acceptance comes from understanding. Since language is the currency here, precise and uniform terms are important. That’s why I believe reinventing the term sensitive is less likely than reframing. Finally, realize this is going to take some time. Maybe a long time. Perhaps, generations to let the message sink in. Share with the young first. We are helping shape opinions for the next generations. This effort may seem trivial, but it’s important not only for HSPs but for humankind. Well, now the cat’s out of the bag, we don’t get do-overs… The cat is out of the bag, and the horse is out of the barn as the sayings go. Coming up with other terms may be difficult, and I’m not sure after nearly thirty years, we want to do a reset on the base term. Then, perhaps, new names will arise and be cast for the trait as more research is made available. But, for now, let’s work with what we have. There is nothing wrong with the word sensitive. My short-term advice is to try not to be, well, sensitive about the word sensitive. And that includes me. We need to start showing some pride in the trait as a group. Be armed with facts and science to shield against taunts and doubters. Stay calm, and don’t let emotions run high. We can do this if our message is consistent and persistent. Please comment with your thoughts. |
AuthorBill Allen currently lives in Lutz, Florida. He previously lived in Bend, Oregon. He is a certified hypnotist and brain training coach at BrainPilots.com. He believes that male sensitivity is not so rare, but it can be confounding for most males living in a culture of masculine insensitivity which teaches boys and men to disconnect from their feelings and emotions. His intent is to use this blog to chronicle his personal journey and share with others. 
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