A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
 
 
In previous blogs, I have repeatedly stated that I think we often get too hung up on qualities surrounding gender, what is masculine and feminine. Instead, let us emphasize the importance of being human first. Being human first supersedes the gender designations culture applies to us and allows us to be more flexible and expansive in how we allow ourselves to be defined.

The Zulu of Africa have a concept related to humanness called Ubuntu. Ubuntu is a term meaning humanity, roughly translated as “I am because you are.”  It is a definition of personhood as reflected by others.  An ideal that shares a collective humanity in recognizing the individuality and uniqueness of others as part of a universal community. Being human is being you, and being you is being part of everyone else.

This is so important today because we have fallen prey to a collective aspiration of self-centered culture. The media and social media see ego-centric individualism as heroic and noble. Moreover, the age-old concept of hegemonic masculinity, which places the individual, largely men, but women, too - in a place of domination has largely created the state of the world we see. The exploitation of others, exploitation of the planet, and unbridled greed have led us to a near brink of destruction.

Today, it is more important than ever to see the world as a collective, a place where we all depend on each other, and our survival depends on the survival of the species. We need now more than ever a form of reciprocal altruism to be our defining goal. Reciprocal altruism is a biological concept that offers that an individual will act in a way that temporarily reduces its fitness while increasing another organism’s fitness, hoping that the favor will be returned at some point.  I don’t see the wrong in a conscious act that benefits you if you also benefit another. Indeed, it is an act of enlightened self-interest, that which promotes you promotes me.

A lofty goal, to say the least. How do we put the brakes on our current situation and start focusing on our collective self-interest? I think it begins by emphasizing the humanity in all of us. That we as individuals are human first and the other labels, we attach to ourselves become secondary. That one link that connects us to all humanity is our humanness.

What does it mean to be human?
Being human first and foremost, can be a virtue. It embodies human love and compassion towards our fellows and the planet as a whole. It arises from recognizing our uniqueness as a stand-alone human and the necessity of needing the other members of our species as a prerequisite to survival. The importance of largely human strengths of love, kindness, and social intelligence adds to our humanity.   We have often abandoned these attributes in favor of hate, greed, and exploitation for personal reward.

Being human can also be expressed on an individual level, towards ourselves as well as to others. By embracing the universal human qualities encapsulated as masculine and feminine, we individually can balance and employ the traits that we all possess as humans. On a cultural and societal level, we can express our humanity as a collective hive expression. What we prioritize and what we fund is what we are.

There has always been an age-old debate of what being a human means. Philosophy often mires the discussion with intellectualism. They are offering hopeless arguments with little real-world application. Can we globally define humanity – simple and elegant and easily grasped by everyone?  More than just a moral or philosophical definition but is fully able to express what humans can do. Balance is key, striving towards the best traits and managing the negative ones.

We are upholding our positive attributes: our ability to communicate complex and abstract thought with language, using our bigger brains imaginatively to create change for good; our ability to express our essence via art, music, and the written word, our ability to show proactive kindness, the ability to understand each other and the ability to link our minds in unparalleled ways.  We can distinguish ourselves from others and yet recognize the other as our own. We embrace spiritual concepts that transcend our physical reality. But the most important feature maybe this idea of Ubuntu.

Why not try to be human first.
What would happen if we embraced our humanness in ways that were complimentary to each other and ourselves? How might this change us as individuals and societally? Could we learn to move past tribalism and individualism and become more humane to ourselves, our fellow humans, and the world we are a part of? We start by raising our children to embrace their humanity first by showing them the common connections between themselves and all humans. Quit assuming divisive labels that sequester groups as good or bad. We first recognize that we are a constellation of many stars, each unique and worthy of our own light and part of the greater galaxy and universe of collective potential.

We must understand that the human genome can include all of us and yet express itself in a seemingly infinite number of ways. We teach this to our children young, and then they grow up respecting themselves and others. Embrace the individual and support the collective. Herein lies the balance.

Why gender definitions may aid in this transition.
For too long, the dominant gender expression has been that of hegemonic masculinity. The exploitative form of masculinity that subordinates women, children, people of different races, non-heterosexual men, or less aggressive men promotes the idea of domination and aggressive and violent behavior to others who do not measure up to this definition of manhood. As Francesca Maria Morettini states, “Hegemonic masculinity, therefore, produces far-reaching effects on society, harming social equality and human development.”. Furthermore, she continues, “hegemonic masculinity affects international relations, domestic politics, military practices, education and sport; corporate governance and the emergence of transnational business masculinities…”.

Gender roles are generally defined by the culture we are raised in. However, gender identity is a much more complex process involving genetics, hormonal influences, gene regulation in brain cells, and societal factors such as family and culture. There is pressure to conform to societal norms.  The idea of being human first is to not norm gender to a preconceived standard but to eschew cultural gender identity to allow the individual to find their spot along a continuum of being human.

This is not to say we discontinue being male or female. Rather, it means this becomes secondary to becoming human first, identifying with the individual’s humanity, which can be expressed in many ways. I believe the LGBQT+ community is leading the idea of gender fluidity and non-binary gender ids. If we embrace the idea that we are all human, as many indigenous people have, we allow ourselves to be fully human first.

Conclusion
The earth is not self-destructing. It is humans that are destroying humans and the habitat that we survive in. We HSPs are, in my opinion, being called to help warn and instruct on this self-destructive pattern that we humans have been taking. I believe it can be done, but it is not a task for the faint-hearted. It is an intergenerational task, one that will take many years. We can start by keeping things simple yet broadly defining the tasks ahead.

One of the major tasks is the notion of creating Ubuntu in the world. Without it, I am afraid we will continue down a path that we won’t escape, nor will our children or our grandchildren and beyond. It requires vision, insight, and empathy: compassionate human intuition and thoughtful logic. Convincing the world will be difficult, but it starts as always at the individual level. Changing our view of our humanness is essential. We must be human first. Remember Ubuntu.
​
Peace.
 
Please share your thoughts in the comment section. 

A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
 
There has been a lot written about raising HSP children. Because they are more sensitive to criticism, the environment, and boundaries, what overarching principle should be in place to raise them? Under the right circumstances and environment, HSP children can thrive. In fact, under the right conditions, they outperform their peers in school, have lofty moral attitudes, have greater social competency, better self-regulation, and greater confidence and security.
​
In my years of having my own business, BrainPilots, a neurofeedback and hypnosis coaching practice, the use of a particular type of neurofeedback system provides an interesting adjunct model to use on HSP children. It is a push/pull methodology.

The tool, Neuroptimal™, uses EEG sensors to monitor the brainwaves of the individual's training, then pushes back feedback when the optimal learning opportunity occurs. Then it repeats and allows the client's brain to capture the anomaly in the brain and make its own correction. The assumption is that the individual's brain will autocorrect for the highest function in its own time and method. No guessing when to push instructions; just watch and feedback. It's an automated loop, and it works.

Would this make a good method for raising HSP children? Let's see.

Best practices for raising highly sensitive children.
With the consequences so high in raising SPS children, what are some of the suggested best practices for raising HSP kids? First, we must acknowledge that raising a highly sensitive child is often challenging and can energetically be draining for the parent. This is a two-parent/partner project. Dr. Ted Zeff, In his book on raising highly sensitive boys (and this equally applies to HSP girls) that it important for men to be involved in raising HSP boys.

Considering today, we have more same-sex couples, involving a trusted family member or friend of the opposite sex would be helpful for the HSP child to spell the primary parents if needed. It is important to not put the HSP child into situations where they can be humiliated or extremely uncomfortable, yet gently challenge them to learn by experience.

Gentle discipline is very important in raising HSP children. Unfortunately, HSP children often internalize harsh criticism, and much can be achieved by explaining the discipline and toning down the emotion while disciplining an HSP child.
Being aware of the environmentals for HSP children is key to understanding perplexing reactions from them. Loud, noisy, crowds, or environments where sensory overload is pronounced can affect the HSP child's behavior.  Always remember that HSPs need alone time to recharge, revitalize and regroup. HSPs are perhaps the most environmentally sensitive of all humans.  The proper setting is important for raising an HSP child.

Just remember, HSP children are not all the same. Some are easier than others to raise, primarily because of the wide blending of personality traits that are shared with the HSP personality.  Treat each child as an individual and learn who and what they are – more on that shortly.

Perhaps the most important goal of raising a child is to develop a strong, confident self-image that will allow them to be who they are and enable them to live an authentic life, regardless of the challenges or obstacles. For HSPs, this can be a slippery slope. It all begins with acceptance. Help them to embrace the trait, however difficult that may be at times. By providing routines, calming respites from overload, emotional validation, guided self-exploration, and a celebration of their uniqueness, you will be providing a sound foundation for growth into adulthood.

Studies have shown over and over that HSPs raised in a validating environment produce exceptional individuals. The converse environment has an especially egregious impact on emotional and behavioral development.  Again, the environment is everything to HSPs.

My model based on neurofeedback
To add another layer to the above-mentioned HSP child-rearing methods outlined, I would like to add another suggestion for raising HSP children. This idea is based on my experiences working with clients in a neurofeedback or brain training environment. The model is based on how the neurofeedback loop works with Neuroptimal™ brain training.

It is essentially a push/pull method, where the child tells the parent by their behavior and examples of what they are naturally drawn to, what to encourage in the child's development. This is the beginning of the feedback loop from the child to the parent. The parent must remain objective about the feedback, understanding that the child's developing personality sets foundational interests that should be encouraged. The child will also feedback the limits in which they can tolerate exposure to the new interests and reactions to the challenges.

The parent then listens, observes the child, and provides guidance and necessary boundaries to provide a sense of safety and security. That is the push part of the model. The push is the continuation of the feedback loop. The child, receiving the feedback, recalibrates and adjusts, and provides more observational feedback to the parents. This is the pull part of the loop.

The parents again listen, incorporates the aggregate feedback, and sends back guidance and boundaries. It is a continual dialogue between the child and the parent. The parent does not dictate to the child preset expectations but guides as the child explore their environment and the world. As with the aforementioned neurofeedback, the loop from parent to child is about awakening the child to the moment for best learning. The child, especially the HSP child, is not alone in navigating the world but is purposefully guided by an aware and present parent.

This is a simple feedback loop but requires the following:

• An awareness of the HSP trait, both by parent and child.
• For the parents, some education about the trait to understand the roadmap.
• An unambiguous feedback loop (listening to the child and learning HSP communication styles).
• Steering with gentle guidance and setting boundaries. These boundaries may need to be flexible over time to accommodate growth.

What does this mean to parents of HSP children?
It means that as parents, we must acknowledge that we are dealing with a special child who has a keen sense and awareness of their environment and themselves. The methods employed in raising an HSP child will have lifelong consequences, perhaps, even beyond that of a less sensitive child. It behooves parents of HSP children that they allow the child to tell the parent who they are and to listen. But this requires diligence and guidance from the parent. You are still the parent, and the child will look to you for help in forming their ego/personality. Authenticity is very important to HSPs. Allowing the child to guide you as the parent in helping them find and become their authentic self is paramount in raising a happy, well-adjusted confident adult.
 
Here's some good reading for Parents of HSP Children.
Elaine Aron's book on raising highly sensitive children.
https://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Child-Children-Overwhelms-ebook/dp/B000FC1IJ0/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=hsp+children&qid=1630078377&sr=8-3
Dr. Aron's book on being an HSP parent.
https://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Parent-Brilliant-Overwhelms-ebook/dp/B07RB2ZQ5K/ref=sr_1_4?dchild=1&keywords=hsp+children&qid=1630078436&sr=8-4
Ted Zeff's classic on raising HSP boys.
https://www.amazon.com/Strong-Sensitive-Boy-Ted-Zeff-ebook/dp/B004P5NVHA/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=ted+zeff&qid=1630078509&sr=8-1
Website for Parenting the Highly Sensitive Child.
https://www.thehighlysensitivechild.com/
​
Please share your thoughts in the comment section. 

​A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
 
Note: This article is largely speculative and was written to generate thoughtful conversation on flow state, gamma brainwaves, DMT, and the relationship of the three. It is to be taken as such.

In a recent blog article I published for Highly Sensitive Refuge, I wrote about flow state and its importance to facilitate goals and increase happiness. In the article, I suggested ways to enter flow state in a conscious, meaningful way, particularly using mindfulness techniques, such as meditation.

A brainwave frequency often associated with flow state is gamma. We think of high cognitive and thinking states mostly task-oriented to be in High Beta. But gamma is a faster frequency between 25 to 140 Hz. Gamma waves are the fastest brain waves and occur most often when you are alert and attentive to a task. When your brain produces higher levels of gamma brain waves, you tend to be happier and more receptive. This, of course, is a good thing. Gamma waves produce a coherent, unified perception across brain regions. Which sounds a lot like flow state.

Now, I'd like to introduce another possible way to enter flow state. By use of microdosing psychoactive substances in a carefully controlled and monitored way. Many of the psychoactive substances have at their root a common substance, DMT.

What is DMT? It's a powerful psychedelic drug that has been used by indigenous people in South America and in other parts of the world since time immemorial as part of their religious practices. The substance is a natural substance derived from various plants and contains N-N-Dimethyltryptamine (DMT). When smoked or injected, DMT produces an intense sensation which provides a most profound human experience. Psychedelics are the oldest psychopharmacological agent known to man. They have been used relatively safely for thousands of years. The key characteristic of psychedelic substances is their ability to induce a state of altered perception, thought and feeling, that is not experienced ordinarily except in cases of dreaming or religious ecstasy . To quote an early LSD pioneer, Dr. Daniel X. Freedman, "…the state is portentousness – the capacity of the mind to see more than it can tell, to experience more than it can explicate…to experience boundlessness and boundaryless events from the banal to the profound."  

This quote describes the full-on, psychedelic experience that we are most familiar with, down the rabbit hole and subject to the psychedelic's active life in our bodies, as to how intense, how long, and how profound. But is there a way to tweak the dosage, to affect increased focus and concentration, and perhaps activate Gamma waves to induce a state of flow without experiencing life-altering or revelatory experiences? Let's see.

Isn't DMT (and, for that matter, all hallucinogens) dangerous?
The popular perception of psychedelics or entheogens (from the Greek, "to generate the God within.") is that they are dangerous drugs that cause reckless and destructive behavior in individuals and may lead to states of psychosis. This was the perception of leaders in government in the 1970s that lead to classifying entheogens as Schedule I substances, making them illegal by Federal law. It was promoted by conservative politicians to control unruly behavior in the youth of the day, and it intended to restore order in the status quo.

Serious research had been conducted for many years before the enactment of the Controlled Substances Act of 1970. It was suggesting that these substances, particularly LSD, showed some promise in aiding in the treatment of depression and addictions. That all stopped with the enactment of this law. Research stopped, and many people went to jail for possession of these substances.
Fortunately, the restrictions on research have eased in the last few years, and progress, albeit slowly, is being made in demonstrating benefits, long known but now being shown again in controlled studies. As a result, psychedelics are generally considered safe, with a low probability of dependence or addiction.  This does not mean that they are without hazards. And should not be used without some controls and considerations for legality. What is desperately needed is more research and guidance on usage for constructive purposes.

For this article, we will focus on the usage of DMT. DMT is generally inhaled, ingested, or injected and produces intense psychedelic experiences usually short, i.e., 10-15 minutes. At higher doses, the experience is intense and often seemingly otherworldly. At lower doses, the effects produce mild mood elevation and calming sensations.  Interestingly, DMT does occur naturally in human and other mammal brains.  Trace amounts of DMT are found in the human pineal gland and other parts of the body. This endogenous DMT helps contribute to higher-order brain functioning and learning, and memory.  These are key aspects in flow state.
 
What is the relationship between DMT and GAMMA and Flow?
How often do humans naturally enter the Gamma brain wave state? Well, I suppose that would correlate with how often we are in a state of high alert waking consciousness. That, in turn, may correlate with the type of engagement you have with work, play and hobbies. There does appear to be a relationship between higher intelligence and gamma brainwave state activity.  That does make sense since this higher brainwave state would likely be firing more often in people of higher intelligence as they often engage in highly focused intellectual activities (my speculation).

Is there a relationship between gamma brainwaves and flow state? Gamma has all the earmarks of flow state. Focused concentration, alertness, and engagement to a task. For this article, I was unable to find a study related to the two, perhaps, that study is in progress now, or maybe I just missed it. But the inference from what I was able to read does make sense to conjecture that they two are related. Both use higher cognitive functioning, memory, and prior learning to create a state of high engagement. Thus, gamma may be a biomarker of high-functioning flow.

Does DMT (or other entheogens) put us into a hyper flow state at its extreme or lower doses, a more normal functioning flow state? The use of DMT has been shown to alter the alpha brain waves of subjects and increase traveling brainwaves from the occipital region of the brain to the frontal areas. This forward traveling effect is correlated with visual perception, which appears to be enhanced with DMT usage. Alpha waves were reduced in these traveling packets, and delta and theta waves increased. However, the study pointed out that there was a liberation of sorts of lower-level information streaming forward to the brain's frontal areas, typically top-down.

This finding could be significant in flow as much of flow state may be affected by memory and prior learning. With a liberated channel streaming more data inbound, DMT might influence flow. Endogenous DMT is suggested to influence the cognitive functions of the brain directly.

What does this mean to HSPs?
Because HSPs are naturally deep thinkers, deep processors, why even go there? Do we really need to ingest an entheogen to get into flow state or any other deep state of consciousness? Well, the answer is simple – it depends. It depends on the individual and how adventurous they are, I suppose. The real question is: is there a benefit to doing something like this? Without question, trying to reach flow state has proven benefits (see the blog post I referenced in the beginning).  Increasing gamma brainwaves through various meditative practices were shown to be effective. The study also noted that expert meditators tended to have greater attentive states and limited mind wandering, both artifacts of flow state.

Naturally, there are other physiological benefits to meditation besides aiding in entering flow state, but taken in whole, the benefit to HSPs seems profound. Moreover, there appears to be a line of research now devoted to the neuronal correlates of meditation techniques known as contemplative neuroscience.  I certainly hope this research branch bears fruit. Nevertheless, it is interesting to note that meditation, flow state, and psychedelic substances inhibit self-referencing (see Default Mode Network, DMN) processing. It is somewhat related to the notion of blocking a form of self-consciousness or de se thoughts, which focus on first-person thinking.

This is especially relevant for HSPs, who spend a great deal of time doing self-referencing thinking, which can often be limiting and self-defeating. Achieving flow state via activity, meditation, or even with entheogens might aid in creating breakthrough states for HSPs (or others) locked in perpetual self-defeating mode. The ability to reach an epiphanal moment requires the ability to let go or surrender and the ability to be in a state of total absorption or attention.  Again, getting into that state where the DMN is limited.

More research is needed but in the meantime.
Let's look at microdosing for wellness and mental health. Another recent study found that chronic, intermittent, low doses of DMT produced an antidepressant effect and fear extinction learning in rats without impacting working memory or social interaction.

Shane LeMaster, a sports psychologist, states that "flow is this sense where your mind suddenly just gets out of your way." He believes that flow state can be reached with microdoses of psychedelics and has found a microdose can keep him in flow most of the day. He believes flow aids in brain synchronization.

Another subject self-reporting study showed that microdosing LSD and psilocybin produced several benefits in subjects, including lower dysfunctional attitudes and negativity, higher wisdom, more open-mindedness, and greater creativity.
In addition, microdosing produced in many users helps manage depression, anxiety, and PTSD, reduced or eliminated addictions, enhanced moods, creativity, mindfulness, and emotional response.  
​
Now with all of that said, let's remember that psychedelic substances are still, for the most part, illegal in the US and most countries of the world. There are now some states allowing some usage of these substances to limited degrees. Nevertheless, I urge caution for anyone pursuing the usage of entheogens, regardless of your intent. Things are changing for the better, albeit slowly. Keep informed.
​
Here are some other precautions:

• Experimenting with psychedelics should be respected and not done simply for recreational purposes. Although the substances are one of the safest CNS drugs, that doesn't mean bad things can't happen. So be respectful of the medicine.
• Therapeutic dosages of psychedelics should be done with a trained therapist or trusted guide and not alone.
• Know the source of your substance. This warning is old as the hills.
• Finally, do your research and do what feels right and safe for you.

 
Please share your thoughts in the comment section. 

A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
 
A term has surfaced recently into my consciousness: neurodivergent. What does this mean? There is a movement afoot to expand the view of what we consider normal brain functioning that would now include many developmental disorders that would be seen as dysfunctional in the past. The thought is to expand what we now consider a wider spectrum of mental diversity. Judy Singer, a sociologist who has autism, coined the term in the late 1990s to include these disorders as normal variations in how the brain processes and functions. The idea behind this diversity is to demonstrate that although to the general population, these "specializations" might seem aberrant, in fact, they may be considered strengths, areas of specialized focus.

The argument for encasing the idea of normal divergence of human mental functioning expressed by these variations would consider them to be adaptations, which provide strengths and diversity to the human genome. Furthermore, many experts believe that because these adaptations remain within the human population, they have some evolutionary purpose and advantages.  For HSPs, this should sound familiar.

Normality
This seems to beg the question, what is normal? It is reported that over a fourth of Americans and up to one-half over a lifetime suffer from some type of mental disorder.  This would suggest that at some point, most of us suffer from some type of dysfunction, whether temporary or permanent. However, how much dysfunction is needed to be then termed abnormal? As Peter Kramer suggests, "If for many of the factors difference confers some degree of vulnerability to dysfunction, then we will find that we are all defective in one fashion or another."  If we take into account the enormous diversity of the human genome then certainly defining normal becomes more problematic.

Does normality imply that one is free from dysfunction, or can we now agree that as we all share the human experience, we are prone to divergent functioning, which must be accounted for as part and parcel of what it means to be human?  As Kramer states, "the awareness that we all bear flaws is humbling. But it could lead us to a new sense of inclusiveness and tolerance, recognition that imperfection is the condition of every life."  Could then this be implied that our "dys-perfection" be the fruit of our human existence and a key contributor to overall human adaptation and survivability?

Neurodiversity attempts to cover a wide range of developmental disorders, principally: Autism, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Dyslexia, and Dyspraxia. Autism is a spectrum disorder classified as a complex neurodevelopmental condition that includes impairment of communication and social skills, combined with repetitive behaviors, and impaired learning and executive functioning. ADHD covers a wide range of attention and organizing skills deficits that often manifest as impulsivity and distraction. Dyslexia refers to reading or writing problems that cannot otherwise be explained by a lack of intellectual, learning, or sensory issues.  Dyspraxia refers to a condition in which impairment occurs in the execution of motor skills and the ability to execute a plan of action. In addition, some dyspraxic individuals may experience Sensory Integration Dysfunction, which creates oversensitivity or under sensitivity to physical stimuli. Dyspraxic individuals may also experience what is considered a type of sensory overload, which causes panic attacks.

If seen in the light of neurodiversity, are all of these behaviors adaptations? One theory proposes that these disorders result from environmental factors due to early childhood stress and trauma.  Yet, complex human behaviors are rarely just products of the environment but a complicated interplay between genetics and environment. Even in their seeming dysfunction, these disorders can show the amazing adaptability of humans. It is noted that people with dyslexia can adapt to their struggle with reading to develop efficient and remarkable visual memory, which aids in reading and comprehension.

In his book, Attention Deficit Disorder: a Different Perception, Thom Hartmann argued that an accounting of ADHD might be to describe the disorder due to an adaptation from a characteristic of earlier hunter-gatherer humans now stuck in a farming society. The idea that adaptive characteristics from a different, older cultural milieu did not translate well into a society that had moved on from nomadic life to a more stationary life. The genetic traits once useful in hunting animals, i.e. hyperfocus, were no longer as important and useful in raising animals and crops. Yet, the trait survived to bring us individuals with ADHD. Hartmann argues that ADHD is not necessarily maladaptive nor a disorder but needs to be seen in the context of its original purpose. There is some research supporting this hypothesis.

Again, the point is, what is normal?

Ways in which HSPs may be considered to be non-normal.
Studies have pointed out that often highly sensitive people may be confused with having a variety of disorders including autism, schizophrenia, social anxiety disorder, and are prone to episodes of depression and moodiness. In fact, the trait of Sensory Processing Sensitivity has been referred to as introverted emotional temperament, chronic cortical/cortisol arousal, hypervigilance, and innate shyness.  Thank God for Dr. Elaine Aron giving it a much more positive framing.

Nevertheless, we are a minority population within humans, which makes us a little non-standard. Many HSPs report, along with other people that are not highly sensitive, that the trait is problematic at times, making life complicated and challenging. When overwhelm kicks in, SPS can be considered debilitating to some HSPs if they do not know how to handle the overstimulation we often experience.
In addition, there is a certain amplification of life's experiences, which may lead to depression, anxiety, and fear-based limitations. Then there's the social isolation that often accompanies our introvert dominant personalities, and for the extraverted HSPs, the dealing with the need for downtime.

Yet, taken as a whole, can we say the trait is a dysfunction? I think not. I still hold true the explanation of Dr. Aron, that the trait is an evolutionary adaptation necessary within our species. It continues to proliferate through time and does have a purpose. As Dr. Tracy Cooper often says, we are a fine-tuned instrument. Fussy at times, but necessarily so, to bring about the sensory detecting purposes of our nature. To be able to detect the subtle, the nuanced, and the environmental nuggets others miss.

Is our trait (SPS) a form of specialization?
Yes, most definitely. When you consider the HSP's ability to think deeply, deeply consider, and deeply feel, that alone makes the trait a specialization - an adaptation, if you will. And that is on the backend of the processing; if you add the ability to consider and sense the subtleties in the environment to feed that backend, you add a depth and dimension that adds value to observation and deduction. To then tie it all together, you add empathy--the social emotion, which gives HSPs relatability and the ability to sense others, aid others, feel others, gives us a potent arsenal of capabilities, that despite our challenges, make us specialists amongst humans. We are the canary in the coal mine, the early warning system, and to use a crude metaphor, the pebble in the shoe, warning our fellow humans of impending trouble. We may be a pain in the ass to some, but we are necessary. If that is dysfunctional, then why hasn't nature selected us out?

Every day and it seems more so now than ever before; we expand the terms to being human. Neurodivergence attempts to continue this trend. Why not move beyond developmental disorders and include rare personality traits or minority personality characteristics such as SPS? Doesn't that add to the complex stew of human personality traits? So, what if we are neurodivergent? Should we be? We are just what we are and what nature intended for us – all of us. What if we called it “neuroinclusive?”

Please share your thoughts in the comment section. 

​

A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
 
Most HSPs I know assume that we as a group are mostly introverts (which is true, about 70%), quiet and observant types.  This idea often serves us well in assessing situations and navigating through life. One of our primary traits is the trait of observing and then processing – deeply. This deep thinking is often, and I would say mostly,  done quietly. So, a model for most HSPs might be watching, sometimes listening, then remaining still and quiet to aid our thinking.

We also know that all HSPs are not introverts; however, we are all observant. Sometimes we observe and do not voice our opinions for various reasons. I suggest a few in the next section.

Queen Elizabeth I of England had a motto in Latin:  Video et Taceo, which is translated to mean “I see and remain silent. “  Although her motivations for its use might have been different from what a typical HSP might have, it seems a fitting motto for highly sensitive people.

How can this be interpreted?
There is a multitude of ways this phrase can be interpreted. Let’s look at a few.

1. To observe and plot – This might have been the way Elizabeth I looked at this. As a female monarch, she was likely scrutinized for every move she made. There were only a few key advisors she trusted. To listen, observe and then silently plot her next move may have been the motivation for the motto. It was in three words – a warning. It added an air of mystery to her rule.
2. To observe and learn – perhaps, a softer, gentler interpretation might be that she was quietly observing and learning as she watched. This is not a bad strategy for a monarch who wishes to make wise decisions. Nor is it a bad strategy for HSPs.
3. To observe and not misspeak – Mark Twain astutely observed, “It is better to keep one’s mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.” The carefully studied approach ensures that one does not misspeak at least until all the data is processed. This is a conscientious approach for surety but might give the impression one is dull. I suspect some HSPs follow this line of thinking.
4. To be intimidated – Not likely what Elizabeth had in mind, although one never knows for sure. In this scenario, one does not talk because one is afraid to voice an opinion. Oh, if only more politicians followed this line of thinking. This is more a position of fear and not something that I think merits a motto. Living in the shadow of intimidation is not an ideal life.
5. To be manipulative – Silence can be quite intimidating. And because of this reason, it can be used as a clever tool of manipulation. Good for a royal, maybe not so, for a commoner. At its root with this underpinning, this is nothing more than leaving them guessing. And, silence can be intimidating.
6. To be cautious, clever, or mysterious – As noted before, it adds an air of mystery or intrigue. In some circles, it can be seen as a clever stratagem, as if in a negotiation, being quiet is seen as bluffing for better terms. It can also be seen as being cautious, careful, and calculated to mitigate risk – all behaviors HSPs might employ.
7. To be regal and judicious with words and response – this may be the reason Elizabeth chose this motto. It makes sense. To be silent makes her look regal as if petty dialogue is simply too common for her, and when she does speak, it carries weight and forces those courtiers to listen more intently.

Video et Taceo for HSPs
So, how does this apply to highly sensitive people? What stood out about this succinct phrase was the emphasis on watching, listening, and pausing, not responding immediately, but rather thinking, pondering, processing. Isn’t this what HSPs do naturally? Aren’t we generally the quiet, contemplative, sensitive types who are NOT the loudest in the room? Doesn’t keen observational skills require almost a quiet attention to detail? Doesn’t talking, speaking interfere in some ways with observation and learning?

I think that this style of learning and observing is natural for highly sensitive people. Because listening is not a passive process and is now considered active, as is speech, there can be some interference in learning if the two overlap. For example, in learning languages, it was often regarded as critical to have the student speak early on in the learning process to solidify elocution. Now, the thinking is that more time initially needs to be spent actively listening before speech attempts to learn the mechanics of the language before attempting meaningful speech. If you think about that, it makes perfect sense. Isn’t that how you learned your native language as a child? You listened long before you spoke.

Comprehension is enhanced with extended listening. Listening for speaking does not fully utilize memory, which is a requirement for learning long term. However, listening for comprehension lays a solid framework for later learning to speak and uses both short- and long-term memory. You could almost slap a post-it note over the whole thing with the phrase Video et Taceo.

Environmental sensitivity factors shape learning styles. These factors help an individual to navigate their world. Some of the individual’s learning style is foundational, i.e., genetic, but other factors come into play due to the environment. Is it then possible that a “video et taceo” style of learning or operating is native to HSPs? Think of our quiet observational nature. One could argue that Video et Taceo would generally be a good motto for HSPs.

Some would argue that being quiet is not always a virtue. But it seems for HSP being quiet is almost a native state, certainly for HSP introverts. Perhaps, being silent is a precursor for wisdom, foregoing the constant chattering of idle dialogue, to devote more brain time to observation and learning. My father used to say to me when I was talking too much, “Son, do you have something to say, or do you just want to say something?”

Silence is golden or, so we are told. Can HSPs use our silence and observations to add value to the world? At what point do we break the silence and speak our truth? How long do we let our observational brew percolate before serving up to an unsuspecting world? I sometimes wonder if we can be too silent for too long. What use is the wisdom we glean from the environment if we don’t share it? Just like with learning a language, at some point, you must attempt to speak, however feeble that may be. Breaking the silence is like breaking wind; you can only hold it in so long.

A multitude of quotations from wise humans.
What is your favorite quotation on silence that encapsulates your personal philosophy? Reply in comment section. 

• Silence is a source of great strength. Lao Tzu
• In human intercourse, the tragedy begins, not when there is misunderstanding about words, but when silence is not understood. Henry David Thoreau
• All I insist on, and nothing else, is that you should show the whole world that you are not afraid. Be silent, if you choose, but when it is necessary, speak – and speak in such a way that people will remember it. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
• If I could, I would always work in silence and obscurity and let my efforts be known by their results. Emily Bronte
• Don’t waste words on people who deserve your silence. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all. Mandy Hale
• The human heart has hidden treasures, in secret kept, in silence sealed; the thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures, whose charms were broken if revealed. Charlotte Bronte
• Keep silence for the most part, and speak only when you must, and then briefly. Epictetus
• Talk doesn’t cook rice. Chinese proverb
• Do not underestimate the determination of a quiet man. Iain Duncan Smith
• To hear, one must be silent. Ursula K. Le Guin
• Silence is an empty space; space is the home of the awakened mind. Buddha

Please share your thoughts in the comment section. 

A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
 
What do you think it is that makes HSPs so self-reflective? We inherently have the internals for deep processing, deep reflection, and deep emotional churn, but is this all that is at play here? Is this a sufficient explanation?

In reading Michael Pollen’s book, How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us About Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and Transcendence, I discovered a term that intrigued me. He speaks of the default mode network (DMN) and how psychoactive plants and drugs interfere with the function of the default mode network in the human brain.  The DMN is a brain network of various brain structures instrumental in creating moments of self-reflection and daydreaming when the brain is engaged in a task-negative state.   It is where our minds go when we are not in goal-seeking, active task mode.
​
It made me wonder if this is a state that HSPs are prone to enter more than non-HSPs. This type of reverie and disengaged self-reflection reminds me of the rumination many HSPs get caught up in regularly. If so, does this explain our tendency for long periods of deep reflection, and are we naturally drawn to this state because of our deep processing capabilities and the need for self-reflection?

What is the Default Mode Network?
 
Hans Berger first proposed a default mode network, the inventor of the electroencephalograph (EEG), to account for his observation that the brain, even at rest, is busy. Marcus Raichle of the Washington University School of Medicine later coined the term default mode network.  DMN is characterized by daydreaming, future-looking thoughts, gauging other’s perspectives, and especially with self-reflection. An output of DMN state is often spontaneous thinking which can lead to creative thinking.  DMN seems to begin developing in the human brain around ages nine to twelve.

DMN may also be implicated with disorders such as Alzheimer’s, Autism and Schizophrenia, by reduced activity of the DMN. Even in the DMN state, the brain consumes about 20 % of the body’s energy, much more than any other organ. DMN is not still fully understood.

The Purpose of the DMN

The DMN is now often associated with the social brain and the social understanding of others. It appears to be involved with emotion perception, empathy, theory of mind, and morality.  This leads to aiding in understanding others, understanding self, controlling self, and processes that control the social interface between self and others. Its tie to memory also aids in making predictions about the behavior of others and provides a framework for moral judgments of other’s behaviors.

It is also most notably tied to the notion of ego or self-identity. The ego is our self-definition of who we think we are, regardless of how subjective and incorrect that definition may be. In other words, when the brain is not task busy, it often turns inward to think of itself.  The operative word here is daydreaming, something that HSPs do regularly. Another reason to suspect that DMN has special meaning for highly sensitive people.

To me, this sounds much like a type of twilight thinking mode, a reverie state, much like twilight sleep, that few moments of in and out of consciousness we experience just before bedtime.  This mode of thinking sees the world through our perceptions and ideals, sometimes to exclude external feedback. I have often mentioned this in the blogs and my book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man. As deep-thinking individuals, we often create ideas of ourselves that have no social confirmation because we hold them tightly to our vests. We lock ourselves in these self-contained prisons and never test our theories in the outside world. We are, perhaps, locked in our DMN based logical loops.

What is the relevance to HSPs?

Are we more prone to activation of this state than most of the population?  Just following anecdotal social media discussion group conversations would indicate that this may be the case. Many HSPs, especially introverted HSPs, would find comfort in this type of state – brain at rest, task neutral and reflecting on self, and predicting the behaviors of others. A controlled state of mind, where outcomes are constantly evaluated in a safe place, evaluating memories (rumination) and developing strategies of future behavior. A staging ground in facing the world.

I am not placing a value judgment on this, simply looking at the likelihood that this would be something that many HSPs, myself included, would find comforting in our downtime. It is also a place of spontaneous idea generation, resulting in some very creative ideas and could explain our tendency towards creativity. Conversely, it could lead to too much rumination, which is often the antecedent to depression and anxiety.

Can this state be induced and controlled?

Since the brain “defaults” to this mode when we are not actively engaged in task-positive activities or goal-seeking activities, whenever we remain in a task-negative situation, we are going to be in DMN, unless, of course, we are asleep. The extent that we are more “active” or “non-active” may be the determining factor as to whether we are in DMN or not. It is interesting to note that meditation, a task that would seem task neutral, helps facilitate the entering of DMN and can positively affect both DMN and TPN modulation.

In a Buddhist sense, the DMN can be like the monkey mind, scattered and full of intrusive random thinking. Meditation is a way to help harness the monkey by applying mindfulness to aid in controlling daydreaming for purposeful pursuits.  Daydreaming can be positive constructive (creativity seeking), or guilty dysphoric (obsessive anxiety), or attentionally out of control (scatterbrained). If we use the DMN for constructive pursuits, we are fully utilizing its positive capacity.

Since the DMN is both forward and backward seeking (attachment to memory), it can keep us from staying in the present moment. It can also take us down well-worn neural pathways that can lead us to anxiety, worry, and pessimism. The DMN can be overactivated, leading to hyperconnectivity, which sounds like something many HSPs should be familiar with, much like our overstimulation.

How do we control this? For one, we can alter our consciousness with mindfulness mediation. What has also been suggested is the use of mind-altering plant medicines (i.e., psilocybin, mescaline, ayahuasca, et al.) Psychedelic drugs deactivate the DMN’s integration function within the brain, a homeostatic state that leaves us in a state of “baby “consciousness, a primitive functioning state.  I’ll leave that for another day’s discussion but mounting research in the use of psychoactive plants is showing promise for this in a controlled way with therapeutic supervision.

Another option is to change the neural pathway route by invoking TPN-related tasks. This is essentially leaving DMN mode by thinking outside of the box, in essence creating new thoughts. This may lead to another option that utilizes unfettered creative thinking. Thinking abstractly, like purposeful playfulness, opens the door to new ideas and breaks the sameness of DMN thinking. I liken this to hopeful, optimistic thinking.  Finally, we can change the channel by focusing on the positive past versus the negative past.  Focus on successes and not dwell on failures.

A recent study highlights the observation that tactile stimulation appears to deactivate the DMN as well as does the use of visual and auditory stimulation.  So, get out there and hug someone, with their permission, of course. Watch a movie or listen to some meaningful music if you get trapped in DMN no man’s land.

Are there any benefits to this state?

It appears that DMN is part of the standard equipment with human brains. It has both positive and negative attributes, which we should all be mindful of. It seems clear that harnessed with mindfulness being in DMN mode can lead to moments of creativity and reverie. Its use of memory to look backward and forward can, without your control, lead to depression or anxiety or positivity and confidence, depending on your controlling the focus.

It appears to some extent to be a gateway to the unconscious or at least unconscious long-term memory. That can be good or bad, depending on what is retrieved. And it appears to be a fine line between states of dementia, PTSD, depression, and Autism. Nevertheless, we should be aware of when we are in DMN and how it is affecting us. By reducing unbridled DMN thought creating, we can allow ourselves to experience the present moment with greater objectivity, which Shapiro calls “re-perceiving.”

With focused attention via mental training to reduce competitive distraction and daydreaming, we can spend some of the negative DMN time on something more optimistic and positive. Although I must be honest, I do love my daydreaming time.
​
Please share your thoughts in the comment section. 

A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
 
One of the big four traits of Highly Sensitive People is the propensity for overstimulation, often referred to as overwhelm. Sensory inputs become too much to handle, and the finely tuned HSP systems begin to shut down or, at the very least, require downtime. This time is essential for HSPs to regroup, recover and restore. All HSPs will experience this at some time or another. Many in difficult work or home environments  experience this frequently.

For some of us, this overwhelm is embarrassing, especially for HSP males, who struggle with their masculine pride to admit that emotions, environments, and engagements can cause us to go into shutdown mode. We have been socialized to believe that this type of reaction is a sign of weakness-- not being able to tough it out and press on. But can we control overwhelm? Head it off at the pass at the first sign of onset?  And more importantly, should we? Is overwhelm a sign of an undisciplined mind?

Let’s see.

What is overwhelm?
What happens to the highly sensitive mind when it reaches overwhelm? Because HSPs process stimuli at a much deeper level both internally and externally, they often get caught in cycles of strong visceral and mental reactions, leading to depletion, exhaustion, and overstimulation.  With poor coping skills or lack of support, many HSPs find themselves caught in a vicious cycle of overstimulation, shutdown, and then overstimulation again. This cycle is exceedingly exhausting and leads many HSPs into avoidant or withdrawn behavior. This behavior compounds personal and socially derived stress and stigmatizes the HSP into feeling negative about themselves and their ability to cope. And emotional reaction is often the root cause of overstimulation.

Without getting too much in the weeds about the anatomy or dynamics of emotions, emotions play a large part in human behavior, and for HSPs, emotions are our currency. Much has been said about the limbic system, particularly the amygdala, in driving emotional response. The amygdala is most often associated with fear response and plays an essential role in alerting to danger, including fight or flight.

However, there appears to be a three-tiered model for the emotional function that works above and below the limbic system or the midbrain. At the base,  the brain stem contains a primary stimulus-response adaptive reaction. From there, emotion moves up to the more complex reactivity within the hypothalamus and thalamus, followed by memory and cognition of the limbic/cortex neural networks. Each level represents more complexity of the emotional response to the environment.  From an evolutionary standpoint, the continued higher-level function extends and expands the brain functioning not to replace earlier, more superficial structures but to enhance them. The use of memory paired with emotion allows for past experiences reference to determine future action.  This apparatus is key to enhancing recall by pairing memory with emotion to provide a more robust memory encoding.

This encoding of memory energized by emotion makes recall of important data significant for survival. The use of cortical influence on the limbic system to throttle emotional response signifies the importance of these higher-order facilities to allow, especially in primates, to moderate, simple stimulus-response towards more directed goal-oriented behaviors that may serve a broader and more adaptive reaction. In short, this means that we as humans can use our critical thinking capacity to redirect automatic emotional responses with more directed thoughtful actions. This ability is vital to when thinking about our ability to regulate emotional overwhelm.

Emotions may be triggered both bottom-up, which generally follows the stimulus-response model, much of which is reactive and spontaneous, or top-down, a self-created stimulus that causes the rudimentary response of the lower level to fire.  This suggests that our emotions can be created automatically and instinctively or through self-initiated and controlled processes. The point is that we can control our emotional response, which leads us to the idea of emotional regulation.

The Benefits of Emotional Regulation for HSPs
Emotional regulation, which is often advocated by Dr. Aron to alleviate emotional overload, has many benefits for HSPs. Emotional regulation is the ability to respond to the demands of a wide range of human emotions with socially tolerable responses that allow for both spontaneity and restriction of emotion when warranted. It covers a wide range of processes that include feelings, physiological responses, thoughts, and bodily actions. 

This capacity to regulate our emotions can aid in maintaining clear vision, focused and appropriate responses, and developing a calm mind. Part of the strategy of handling emotions is to allow the emotional experiences to flow through you and not overwhelm you. Understanding that you can override what would appear to be an automatic reaction with a thoughtful strategy will allow you to “flip the bit” in your mind turning from a panicked response to calm and thoughtful action. Putting the attention on the control and not on what would ordinarily be an automatic response.  A process model suggests several strategies used for emotional control, not all of which are ideal.

1. Situation Selection – this involves choosing to avoid or approach an emotional situation. By removing yourself from a condition that elicits high emotional responses, you can avert an emotional overreaction. This is a conscious choice but does require a certain amount of awareness of possible situations and their likely outcomes.
2. Situation Modification – involves either changing an external situation to affect emotional impact or altering internally via cognitive Change your reaction to the effect. This action could be putting physical space between yourself and the problem or injecting a change in the direction of a conversation to avert conflict.
3. Attentional Deployment – May involve techniques such as distraction by diverting one’s attention away from the emotional stimulus, which aids in filtering out high impact content, rumination – although not a preferred strategy because it is the genesis of worry, it can serve to help down-regulate intense emotion, and finally some elements of thought suppression can stop incessant emotional content from dominating mind space, but this must be attended carefully.
4. Cognitive Change – is the idea that we can change the way we appraise and react to an emotional situation via reappraisal or the reevaluation of the merits of the emotion, distancing or placing a more objective take on the feeling, or injecting humor or lighthearted takes on the situation to control an overbearing emotion.
5. Response modulation – this is a direct attempt to suppress the expression of emotion. It inhibits the free-flowing expression of an undesirable emotion and is not often productive and can be interpersonally counterproductive. We, as HSPs, are often taught to suppress emotion to be more socially appealing. Perhaps in some situations where a virulent or violent temper tantrum may need to be controlled, but how effective suppression is as a long-term strategy is questionable.

How Do We Get to Managing Our Emotional Overwhelm?
So, as highly emotional creatures, how do we get to the point where emotional regulation is natural and easy for us. It so often seems that we react without much thought to emotional stimulus and create overwhelming situations that drive us to shut down and then downregulate to achieve a sense of calm. This seems quite natural for many HSPs, but is it necessary? Is this just a matter of learning to discipline our minds or, better yet more efficiently use them?

How can we train our minds not to overreact? Aside from some of the other strategies suggested above, can we retrain our minds to bypass the emotion => overreaction => overwhelm cycle automatically? In short, I believe we can.

One of the first things in changing behaviors is to become mindful of the behavior. Start by looking for triggering events; these usually happen in patterns. What triggers you? We all have our buttons, and to control the reaction, you must first identify the trigger. We do this by observing our patterns. We all have patterns. Humans are notoriously creatures of habit. If you follow the patterns, you will be able to observe the triggers and reactions. Many of our patterns are automatic behaviors, also known as automaticity. These behaviors often operate below conscious awareness and can seem to pop out of nowhere. By being mindful, we can trace back to the trigger and response to find and observe the pattern at beginning of the reaction.

The idea is to disrupt the pattern by use of explicit attention by the conscious mind, altering the outcome. The disruption of the pattern breaks off the response, allowing you to deconstruct what happened. Understanding the mechanics, without necessarily exploring the deep roots, will at least give you the ability to create a different state, perhaps, one of calm detachment. Now, aware of the pattern, you can deploy one of the process model strategies suggested or create your own. Deep seeded issues will need to be pursued with a qualified therapist. Still, for everyday emotional problems, this can aid in regulating your emotional responses and even increase your Emotional Intelligence. Learning to perceive, use, understand and manage your emotions can empower you to take control of what we often see as the uncontrollable fire hose of emotional reaction. It may simply be training, control, and discipline.

Towards creating the foundation for mindfulness awareness of our emotional patterns, we must first engage in activities that create that calm mind necessary to do self-examination. This state of relaxation  is portable and can travel beyond the meditation mat. Each exercise in the real world of calm detachment requires repetition, one of the critical elements of any learning. Practice this in the real world. Seek out situations where you can practice a calm mind in choppy waters. Invoke calmness and observe the flow. Doing this will require your full attention . A study showed that this ability aids in emotional regulation.

I highly recommend using neurofeedback training to create a trained pattern of calm and learned resiliency in the brain. A recent study found that the experimental group more easily controlled top-down connectivity as measured by MRI neurofeedback.  My personal experiences with neurofeedback systems, such as Neuroptimal from Zengar, on an anecdotal level did increase my brain resilience in stressful situations. As this technology becomes more personal and interactive, this approach is more available to the masses.

See my earlier post on readily available brain hacks to promote relaxation. The bottom line is finding your path to greater self-regulation.

The Benefits of a Disciplined Mind
My top five benefits of a disciplined, self-regulated mind are:

1. Self-preservation from the world. For HSPs, this hardly needs to be stated; we all know what the bombardment of stimulation from the world does to our nervous systems. If for no other reason, this should be at every HSPs top of the list.
2. Self-protection from ourselves. We are hardest on ourselves, and we have the perception and the internal dialogue to do a lot of self-inflicted damage. Disciplining our minds and channeling emotion can aid us in avoiding this hyperactive and hyperbolic state of self-destruction.
3. Living in the Present. This phrase gets a lot of airtime, but it is very relevant to living life in the moment. We HSPs are often caught in the past (rumination) or worrying about the future (anxiety) and should learn to slow down the mind to focus on the present. Emotional overwhelm can carry us off, sweeping us away like a raging river into either the past or future with no regard to where we are now. I like to take time each day, clear my mind and stand in the Wu Chi Stance and clear my mind.
4. Finally, we need to create a balance between our emotions and our reason. Both are important and necessary. Emotion provides us with creativity and immediacy. Reason gives us perspective and wisdom.

Emotion is the currency of our humanity. But, just like a firehose out of control, it can become a destructive force. Emotion can be used for good and enhance our lives, but like most good things, it must be controlled to focus that good. Emotion is our superpower, and discipline is our channel.  Learn to channel your emotions for good.  
 
Please share your thoughts in the comment section. 

A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
 
Do you remember the last time you were in an argument? How did it go? How did you feel after the argument/disagreement ended? Did you feel heard? Did you get overly emotional or discombobulated? Were you able to defend your position or at least feel you made your point? Or did you feel like your arguing skills were lacking?

Probably about a day later, you had thoughts about how you could have taken a position that would have gotten your point across. Perhaps, you thought too late about a clever retort that might have helped you save face in the argument. You may have been bullied into a concession that you didn't want to make. That doesn't feel good.

I have often wondered if it was only me or are other HSPs lousy at verbal encounters, especially the ones that get heated. It's like our brains get scrambled with emotion, conflicting signals, and as I said in an earlier post, it went right to fight or flight mode, without any thought, logic, or reason.

How do we as HSPs get better at verbal confrontation? Not so much to conquer our opponents but rather to be heard, make salient points, stay genuine and authentic and not turn into emotional cannons, sometimes firing blanks.

Can we train our HSP brains to be better at persuasive and unemotional arguments and not get so damn frazzled? I think the answer is yes.  It takes some practice, some knowledge, and the willingness to slow down thoughts in our brains. Let's look at a few ways we can learn to master the art of verbal self-defense and construct better arguments in our discussions with others.

Suzette Haden Elgin and The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense
In the 80s, Suzette Haden Elgin wrote a book about verbal self-defense and how to defend against verbal attacks. The book was called The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense. Before the term Highly Sensitive Person was coined, Elgin wrote this book for those of us HSPs and others who found themselves often lacking in verbal self-defense skills.  A more perfect book could not have been written for many HSPs' troubles in dealing with verbal assaults. The book's premise was to teach others how to defend against eight common types of verbal violence and defuse and deflect potential verbal confrontations.

Elgin was a linguist, author, and professor at the University of California at San Diego and understood the significance of language, body language, and tone in verbal confrontations.

What does a gentle verbal self-defense strategy look like?
Understanding how our brain functions under the stress of heated arguments is necessary for comprehending why the sometimes hyped-up emotional brain of HSPs works under fire. When we get into confrontational situations, our brains activate the amygdala, which kicks in the fight or flight response. This mode instinctively bypasses the thinking brain. The brain then pumps epinephrine and norepinephrine, hormones that will ignite that feeling of rushing emotion. The heart kicks in, preparing to run or fight, which causes blood pressure to rise, and stress starts to peak.

Your breathing quickens, your voice changes pitch, and muscles tighten. At this point, many HSPs begin to panic. The brain is overwhelmed with stressful signals, and logical thoughts scramble. Keeping up with the verbal assault seems impossible as we absorb slight after slight, not quite sure how to respond. We often freeze in an unstoppable visceral reaction.

How do we get past this or, better yet, prevent it? How can we set personal boundaries for ourselves and watch for the communication triggers that set off this panicked response?

First, we must understand what the triggers are for us. Is it a subtle backhanded comment, backstabbing, or is it more direct, such as yelling, belittling, or abject name-calling? Are you threatened when the attack is too physical, such as violating your space or aggressive posturing? All of these can lead to the triggers that set off the panic response.

To move forward with a defense, one must understand how to identify those individuals or situations that incite these hurtful or threatening feelings. Next, we must train ourselves in how to respond to these triggering situations and stay calm. Finally, we must be prepared, even in advance, for knowing what to say in response to threats. These actions will keep us calm and in control. That is the key to controlling panic.

Elgin concludes that avoiding hostile verbal exchanges is a matter of both physical and mental health. We all often react without listening to what the other is saying; this causes a mental leap to conclusions, which only escalates the emotion. When nobody's listening, nobody is getting heard.

Our natural inclination is to attack back, plead or debate the attack – none of which effectively work under panic mode. We only give the attacker more fuel by employing these strategies. Giving them attention by continued heated engagement is not going to deescalate the situation.

The four basic rules she posits are 1) know that you are under attack (you'll know this best by how you feel), 2) know what kind of attack you are facing, 3) know how to make your defense fit the attack and finally, 4) know how to follow through.

Strategies include avoiding the situation or person that likely baits you into a confrontation. Once engaged, you can withdraw or ignore the attacker. You can deflect the attacker by changing topics or offer a compromise. Elgin offers several psychological devices, including matching sensory modes with the attacker. People often use sensory language to engage with others. If possible, match the attacker's language style, whether visual, auditory, or kinesthetic.  This strategy may not avoid the argument, but it may cause the discussion not to escalate. Watch out for baiting presuppositions in the attacker's statements. Often, they are tied to an outcome that may have no direct relationship to the argument. "If you loved me, you'd take out the trash." The best response is to dismantle the condition, "if you loved me," by stating that you do love the person, letting the condition fall to the wayside.

Some of Elgin's other suggestions have to do with staying calm, watching body language for important emotional clues, ignoring presuppositions and conditions, and focusing on two primary strategies: not feeding the attack with attention and responding to emotion with logic, which she calls Computer mode.

The training comes in when you learn how not to take attacks personally. For HSPs, emotional overreaction is a natural reaction and inflates our empathy mechanisms. Doing exercises to help keep your brain calm allows the brain to avoid jumping directly into flight or fight mode. This keeps your thinking brain in the game. Learning to pause after the initial attack is critical. Let the energy flow over you and through you – be quiet and wait. Listen attentively, then pause.

When you do speak, speak humbly. Make a reciprocal offer after you understand their position. Be selective about the battles you choose and avoid battlegrounds; they have a way of generating fights. If you can get to flow state in the discussion, you will have a greater chance of finding compromise or understanding. By staying calm, you will see things sequentially versus random arrays of disparate thoughts to cloud your thinking—no more scrambled egg arguments. Say less, hear more. Often you can avoid the fray just by being quieter.

Bullies want to fight. By ignoring the invitation, you deprive them of that opportunity and you win. Learn to avoid fights that you can't win; these are often fights with manipulators, narcissists, or strangers who have no emotional investment in you.  Calm your ego. You mustn't or shouldn't take on all comers. Walking away can be a quiet win.

When you do argue, at least do it logically.

Paul Graham and His Hierarchy of Argument
Paul Graham, a computer scientist, and essayist laid out a model for logical arguments that stacks argument styles into a pyramid, from the lowliest emotional name-calling at the base and at the apex a rational refutation of the central point of your attacker. It is an outline of learning to move from meanness to logical, rational debate. The hierarchy is worth noting for those of us who prefer not to live in the emotional world of ad hominin attacks.

The method requires that you listen to your opponent and discern their central point. Ferret through the emotional crap and get to the core of the argument. Do not attack, name call, or retaliate the tone of the opponent. Instead, respond to the argument's substance, don't counter without proof, do not argue in general terms, but be specific, regardless of their emotional baiting. Stay with the central point. This method requires discipline and focus. You may even frustrate them with your logic and calm (remember Spock and Dr. McCoy in Star Trek).
​
It becomes less about winning and more about learning and exchanging ideas. This is a case where less emotion can be better. It's worth considering, especially for us HSPs.
 
Please share your thoughts in the comment section. 

A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
 
One of the common misperceptions about Highly Sensitive People is that they make poor if not reluctant leaders. It's not that they don't have the chops to be good leaders; it's more like they would rather avoid the hassles of leadership altogether and get on with their work in a solitary and workmanlike manner.

There are challenges for HSPs in leadership positions, especially in high-profile and large organizations.  The weight from enormous pressure, the constant bombardment of expectations, and the steady flux of amplified and dynamic objectives would overwhelm almost anyone and could easily drown an HSP. The drain of our energy, the hassles of always dealing with people, and the weight of managing would seem to erode our strength. It’s no wonder many HSPs shy away from leadership roles.

Besides, the traditional industrial leadership models of the 19th and 20th centuries, with its' adherence to top-down authority, would have little appeal to highly sensitive people who would prefer more egalitarian and cooperative methods of leading others. The latter half of the twentieth century began to see the implementation and development of more humanistic leadership styles, styles that would be more authentic, empathetic, and appealing to HSPs.

Today, more companies follow these new leadership models that would make it easier for HSPs to become effective and compassionate leaders. Let's look at some of the options available and compare them to the older traditional models.

What are the options?
First, traditional styles or top-down models of leadership emphasize a more autocratic and perhaps more bureaucratic model for leadership. These types of leadership styles place enormous focus on the top of the leadership chain. The boss is the boss. Autocratic styles focus on the person at the top who generally has command and control of the whole enterprise.  The focus here is on results and efficiency – very machine-like.

On the other extreme -Laissez-faire or hands-off management styles, while seemingly giving more control to the workers, delegates the results to others while providing little or no supervision. This style depends on accountability, creativity, and autonomy. Many HSPs might find the delegation part appealing, but this may create distance between the leader and the employees, not fostering rapport with the leader. Like managing from a castle turret, surveying the serfs plow the fields in the distance below the disconnect would be obvious to HSPs.
  
The Pacesetter leadership model is a performance and goal-oriented leadership style, which can be pushy and lead to stressed-out staff. The emphasis on fast-paced results and hard-driving staff objectives.  Do you see a pattern here? More focus on the goal and less on staff wellbeing and empathy. Again a less compassionate style of management.

Still, another performance-oriented leadership model is the transactional leadership model. If you like to micromanage, you are into the corporate structure, focused on metrics, and like staying focused on short-term objectives; this might be your style. However, I suspect many HSPs wouldn't like this either.

The above management styles are more traditional, emphasizing top-down management, not very receptive or open, not very emotionally aware, and certainly not focused on staff wellbeing. These styles don't appeal to creative thinking or real independence, out-of-the-box thinking, or as one CIO I had worked for once said, 'following forward' thinking. These traditional styles are more tactical, short term, lack supportiveness, and empathy. They are more “me boss, you employee”, which means what the boss says is the law, and you had best be compliant and obedient. Perhaps, a gross oversimplification, but still lacking heart.

Newer More Open Styles of Leadership (Humanistic)
The newer leadership styles focus on a more democratic, participative, and more cooperative leadership style that I think would appeal to more HSPs. These styles range from Transformational Leadership models, Servant Styles of leadership, and Authentic Leadership models.

Transformational Leadership Style
This style of leadership is all about inspiring your teams to achieve and reach their untapped potential. As the name implies, it is about transforming and exceeding team expectations and perceptions of their capabilities. This leadership style often requires a charismatic leader who invokes inspiring goals, energizes the team by example, and provides challenging objectives. These leaders often maintain high ideals of ethics and morality, cooperation and harmony, authenticity, and freedom of choice. All the outcomes of this style would promote an environment that would play well with HSPs, although I wonder if this is a leadership style that many HSPs might adopt. The energy levels needed to keep the team inspired might challenge many low energy HSPs, and the drain emotionally could be problematic.

Servant Style Leadership
The next leadership style is perhaps the most empathetic of the leadership styles surveyed, Servant Leadership. In Servant Leadership, the leader's primary goal, not surprisingly, is to serve. The servant leader puts the employees first, creates an environment for employee development, and encourages them to perform at their best. This management style was pioneered by Robert K. Greenleaf, who was inspired in an almost spiritual way to create this model by making the leader the servant of the team. The theory is that the team will be inspired by and motivated to serve themselves, thus creating an environment of service, each helping the other.

Terms often associated with this leadership style are altruistic, healing, wisdom, stewardship, honesty, trust, integrity, and empowerment. Now we are getting into the wheelhouse of HSPs. This empathetic and compassionate model results seem to impact employee life, goal achievement, success, and, most importantly, engagement. Most impressive about this model is the effect on the environment – a receptive, open, and accepting work landscape.

What are the qualities that make an excellent Servant leader? The ability to listen and show great empathy, promote healing and awareness, use persuasion instead of coercion, promote a long-term vision, show intuition and foresight. The servant leader is a steward of the organization, committed to the staff's growth and edification, and works to build community. Wow! Where do I sign up?

Authentic Leadership Style
Another new leadership style is called Authentic leadership. I like this already. Authentic leaders are positive individuals that display self-awareness, transparency, balance, and a consistent moral foundation that influences decisions and actions. Authentic leaders tend to be more optimistic and display hope and resiliency.  Authentic leaders often take the strategic view of goals (vision), maintain a steady helming of the organization, show a certain impeccability of character, know themselves and their values, and strip bare to be transparent as possible to those they lead. These core values represent integrity and open communication. They lead by example.

Authentic leadership seems to me to more a personal style of accountability than an organizational steering model. I like it as an HSP because it embodies the characteristics, I aspire to myself. Perhaps the model of attributes an authentic leader needs to motivate and lead a conscious and self-aware organization effectively makes this more appealing to me as an HSP.  

Taking the Best of Servant and Authentic Styles
Both Servant and Authentic leadership models seem more twenty-first century, more modern, more humanistic than the older traditional models. They reflect what I see as HSP values. Perhaps the two are slightly different aspects of a new and, shall I say it – sensitive and empathetic management model. The overlap is quite pronounced. Yet, one seems to empathize the leader's role; the other emphasizes the new style leader's qualities. Both seem right for our times, and both seem right for HSPs.

Can HSPs become influential leaders by adopting some of the new empathetic leadership styles?
Yes, I do think HSPs can and should be influential leaders. What we do well is to be nurturing, intuitive and empathetic people. Generally, we are excellent in one-on-one situations – coaching and mentoring. But can we step up to leading larger groups of people? As leaders, do we create the environment best for us, or do we gently mold a lousy environment to our liking and others' benefit? In the right places, we thrive; in the wrong environment, we struggle.

Yet, I believe influential HSP leaders show up in the right places at the right times.  We have all the qualities of authentic leaders. We have the same motivations as the ideal servant leader. The time is now for HSP leaders to arise. Dr. Tracy Cooper refers to this perfect blend of HSP mindset, authenticity, and Servant leadership as Quiet Leadership. He proffers the idea that the time is right for us to take on this role. He is right.

To be sure, all HSPs are not inherently leaders, which is fine. No population has all leaders with no followers. And many HSPs, no matter what style of leadership, don't want the hassle that leadership brings. It is, after all, a lot of responsibility and added pressure. But there are many HSPs out there who can make a difference in business, politics, academia, and in life if given the right encouragement. It's just confidence meeting the right environment.

Let me end with a few closing notes. One assumption that we see in all these styles is that all that is needed is the right leader, and an organization will miraculously thrive and grow. Even when the leader fosters a supportive environment, the employees must also be willing to buy in, and not all will. Call it organizational cynicism or burnout on new leaders, but a leader and organization dynamic must be in sync and harmony.

Another question is that the higher the interpersonal style, the subsequent effectiveness may be influenced by organization size. Smaller organizations may adapt more quickly to the Servant leadership model over larger, more bureaucratic, more diffused environments. Think one leader, many employees, means less direct interaction, less influence.  

Any of the humanistic models must be authentically emplaced within the organization. That means two downs, three downs, and beyond must be authentic as well. Otherwise, it becomes less real and more "management by airline magazine or mandate from on high." Organizations will see through that immediately.

Finally, at the end of the day, like it or not, organizations that are profit-centered must strive for profitability or, as they say, perish. As idealistic as I am, this can't be only about being an awareness retreat. Nobody will be feeling good when the organization goes bankrupt. Business goals must be met, and I don't see that changing any time soon. Nevertheless, there needs to be a blend of business, organization dynamics, and humanity. John Rockefeller meets Carl Rogers.
​
 
Please share your thoughts in the comment section. 

A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
 
Oh, how I wish there were a simple, logical, algorithmic formula to discern who we are most compatible with in matters of love. The little heuristic would be a goldmine proposition if it were reliable, valid, and portable. HSPs especially need assistance because we often are too trusting and too empathetic to be objective in finding the perfect match.

It's hard to get to the core values of a person, know their heart, and trust they are right in a short time, leading to a deeper emotional commitment. Dating site bios are virtually worthless, as most people (and, yes, I've done this too) pad their life story to make them seem better than they are. Let's face it; it's a marketing ploy we all use.

Because HSPs are tenderhearted people and often naïve about love, we are easily duped by potential amours that ultimately don't understand us or use and manipulate us. Although there is now a measure of the Capacity to Love, it is not something you would or should filter through every future date. Yet, the truth is there is no foolproof bullshit detector in love that you can carry like a Geiger counter to detect radioactivity in a potential partner.

However, I have found that by creating my personal red flag questionnaire, I can at least hold the love interest through the light of my internal prism and get some measure of whether we might be compatible companions. This list is not comprehensive but might serve as a starting point in considering someone new. You can add to these or craft them more to your individual experience and liking.

Question #1 – Can the person you are interested in say, "I'm sorry." (Emotional Maturity)
Admitting guilt when making mistakes is a "big" adult thing. It signifies emotional maturity and signals that a person is willing to accept fault to patch up a disagreement. Psychologist Rick Hanson suggests that admitting fault cuts through the ego gesturing, reducing stress and anxiety, allowing moving on to other matters, and showing a commitment to being mindful of the mistake and a willingness to correct it.  This critical gesture is essential in relationships, especially for HSPs.

We HSPs often take the lead in apologizing for our mistakes in arguments or disagreements. It is a gesture of goodwill and a willingness to bring to an end a messy emotional situation. However, if we are in relationships with others less forthright about guilt admission, this could signal problems later on down the road. The idea of being held hostage to a disagreement means to an immature other that you don't love them and may lead to devaluation of you in their eyes.  This situation shapes a conditional love that for HSPs causes us to devalue ourselves. This often leads to gaslighting, shaking confidence in oneself, and doubting the other's love of you.

Emotional maturity is vital here.  What you are looking for is someone who takes responsibility for their actions. They must have the humility to admit when they are wrong, willingness and commitment to find compromise when needed, be supportive emotionally, controlling their impulses, and being trustworthy.

When you find a person who can readily admit they are sorry in a heated disagreement, you have found someone displaying the earmarks for emotional maturity. This is a good indicator that this is someone that holds promise.

Question #2 – Do your political beliefs align? (Self-ideology or Identity Manifestation)
A political question may seem to be a lethal question to ask a potential partner in today's bifurcated and polarized political landscape. But, here are a few points to consider when asking about political views:

• Political views are often reflective of core values.  And in some cases, political views shape core values.
• Political beliefs may show tendencies in personality that you may want to be mindful of, i.e., closed-mindedness, aggression, naïve realism, and a skewed world view.
• It is often hard to reconcile differences in political beliefs in relationships because political views can become hardened beliefs and part of an individuals' self-ideation.
• Political beliefs may reflect deep-seated emotional issues.

Naively, I think HSPs believe that something like political beliefs can be gently shaped and aligned with their own opinions or achieve a compromise with love and understanding. But viewed through a hardened political lens, feelings can be affected. The deeper you go in the relationship, difficulties arise, not just on political matters but also on the emotional reasons these view attachments have.

Political beliefs get to the heart of core values, and for HSPs, core value alignment is a key to relationship success. This simple question almost always runs deep and possesses key indicators about a person's personality and emotional status. It is easier to reach a compromise with an open-minded individual if you hear can each other.  But beware of the close-minded political hack.

Question #3 – Do your spiritual or religious beliefs align? (Deep Self-Identity)
For many people, this may be negotiable, and it mostly depends on how deeply entrenched and affixed you both are to your spiritual/religious beliefs. It may depend on the degree to which each partner is open-minded to the idea that there are no absolutes regarding spirituality.

You can imagine an Evangelical Christian dating a hard-core atheist or an eclectic New Ager dating a scientific materialist who sees spirituality as foolish and a waste of time.  You can easily see where the problems will materialize.
​
Since spiritual beliefs or lack of spiritual beliefs sit deeply within us, this is important in relationships. It often depends on where you are in life and whether this may cause issues, such as raising kids, ideas of morality, afterlife beliefs, etc. Many people have experienced profound and successful relationships with others who have different spiritual views, and for some, this does not rate highly in mate selection.

Nevertheless, the spirituality perspective may affect how a person's morality plays out. It may indicate deep beliefs that shape how one treats others, what love means and who one can love. It also reflects how close-minded or open-minded a person can be. Be mindful that compromise is a part of every relationship, and you have to ask yourself how much you have to compromise on spiritual matters that may affect you. One religion or spiritual view might be incompatible with another, so stay open-minded, but remember there is more to this than just the affiliation to a belief.

Question #4 – What is their relationship with their parents and primarily with their mother? (Foundational Emotional Matters)
To me, this is a fundamental question. Why? Very simply, our parents are the first adults we bond with in life. They are the first people to teach us about love, caring, and nurturing. They are our first template for love, especially the mother.  Often, I have found that prospective partners with complicated or non-active relationships with their mothers (and fathers) often have difficulty in love as adults. Without that early critical bonding experience, they are less likely to grow up to be happy, loving, and resilient adults. They may also grow up to have emotional problems that will naturally affect the outcome in adult love relationships.

By understanding your potential partners' current relationship with their parents, you are getting insight into how they may form love bonds with others. If the connection is good with the parents, chances are excellent these individuals are well adjusted and capable of giving and receiving love. If the parents are cold, distant, controlling, and unaffectionate, this will have affected your amour on views of what love looks like, feels like, and acts like.

Granted that relationships change over time and that sometimes fallings-out occur later in life between parents and children. Life circumstances may alter these relationships as well.  The germ of this seed is in the early formative years with parent and child. This early time is the critical bonding period and generally shapes the parent-child relationship for life.

All of this should manifest in how affectionate, how expressive in love a person displays. If they acknowledge you and are willing to show and give love, it should be something that surfaces early in your relationship with them. A person who lacks these qualities may be a person you might want to bypass. Put down your therapist hat and move on. You likely will not be able to fix their problem.

Question #5 – Do they listen to you? (Interactive Measure and Empathy)
Being heard is very important to HSPs. Whether you are an extrovert or an introvert, it doesn't matter; at some point in your relationship, you will want to talk and be heard. And be acknowledged. Some relationships are identified by monologues and some by dialogues, but in the end, we all want to be heard, and the latter type of relationship is where we want to be.

Does your love interest hear what you have to say? Do they actively listen to you, i.e., a conscious decision to listen to what you are saying?   It seems we either listen to understand or listen to respond. Listening to understand is a deeper type of listening; it is more receptive and compassionate. Listening to respond implies a need to engage in criticism and be motivated by a need to correct you or fix you. One embraces, the other repels. One is deep; the other is shallow.

HSPs seek meaning in just about everything, including relationships. It would be a natural desire for HSPs to form deep relationships, and the foundation for this is listening. If they are doing all the talking, well, you are not being heard. Empathy in part comes from communication. We are naturally good listeners. We need good listeners as partners. It is not a one-way street.

Question #6 – Are they socially adaptable? (You, Me, and the World)
Watch how your potential partner interacts with others. HSPs can be very chameleon-like when we interact in social settings. We are so tuned in to the environment; I think either for comfort or reconnaissance reasons, we adapt to our settings. Maybe it's a comfort thing, or perhaps it's to make others comfortable and make us relatable to them. We can shapeshift if needed.

Looking for a partner that can do similarly, although maybe not critical to all HSPs, is crucial to me. I like to mix with mixed crowds and am not comfortable suffering partners that are snobs or find looking down at others as great sport. I try to stay humble with socializing and blend in and engage strategically and sometimes tactically. In networking for business, I like to seek out and find individuals with mutually beneficial contact. For pleasure, I tend to meet people strategically, basically learning from the new encounters with no specific goal in mind. With that said, I would prefer my partner, be able to do the same.

How people treat others says a lot about how they will treat you. Look for kind, humble, and socially adaptable people.

Granted, this is a simple reflection of how to gauge potential love interests. Your experience may frame similar or completely different questions. The point is to formulate what is essential for you in a partner. Each of us will have our own criteria, but we must know what these points are for each of us. And be astute observers.

I recommend you read Dr. Elaine Aron's book on love and HSPs. You will learn a lot about the needs and interactions between HSPs and HSPs, HSPs and non-HSPs, and all combinations in between. There is excellent research (both her and her husband, Arthur) and real-world information in them.
​
Good luck with your love search, be careful, be cautious, and, especially be particular.. You won't regret it.
 
Please share your thoughts in the comment section.