 A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Overcoming overwhelm is an HSPs number one priority. There are so many tools out there that can aid in calming your mind and helping you settle down when overwhelm strikes. There are many mobile phone apps specifically designed for relaxation and calming and are portable and generally easy to use. Since most people travel with their phones in easy reach, these might aid in helping HSPs relax when out and about or even at home. Most of the apps featured or low cost or have a modest subscription fee or are free for the basic service. They should also both be available for IOS and Android. Of course, this is not an exhaustive list but can serve as a jumping-off point to start your journey exploring tools to help you. There is some overlap in the groups. # 1 – Mindfulness/Meditation Apps– The purpose of these apps is to help you with starting a daily meditation practice or helping you learn to be mindful of your anxiety or intrusive thoughts. When doing meditation or deep relaxation, it is essential to reach a state of dominant alpha or theta brainwave activity to achieve that blissful state of relaxation. Brainwave state is dynamic, and to maintain the needed state takes work and discipline, this is where the benefit of the app comes in. Although the apps aren’t necessary to create this state, they serve as an immediate feedback loop to the user.
Understand that all old school Luddites may bristle at the idea of using phone apps for relaxation practice and that it should and can be achieved internally without the use of electronics. And this is true to some extent. However, getting started with the old-fashioned ways can require a certain discipline and strict adherence that many folks don’t have the time or inclination to achieve. Many HSPs will like the convenience of a spot fix, such as an app, that they can pull out on the fly for immediate relief. And phone apps can’t be beaten for timeliness or convenience. They are worth taking a look. There are many, many apps available, so travel beyond the suggestions and explore on your own. I’d love to hear what you find.
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 A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
You don’t have to look very far to find negativity around everywhere. Highly Sensitive People seem to have a unique sense of picking up negativity in the environment. Perhaps, it is a keen nuanced sense of emotion floating about us, or maybe a collective receptor for sensing people’s moods, but we always seem to know when an environment is harmful or toxic. The problem with that is that we tend to internalize the negativity and hold it inward for too long, causing us issues emotionally and physically if we don’t find ways of detoxifying quickly energy that will alter our internal moods. Here are some hacks for releasing and letting go of negativity – something every HSP should know and be adept at doing. # 1 – Mindfulness Practice – Some of our emotional reactivity is learned behavior and can become automatic at the trigger of negativity inputs. To prevent this automatic loop from running on autopilot, you must first become consciously aware of the triggers and the subsequent behaviors that follow the triggers. One way of breaking the loop is to become mindful of your mind/body reaction to the trigger. You will feel the response in your body as well as in your mind. This should be a clue to the intensity of the negativity by the reaction in your mind/body. By being aware of the trigger, you can “thought lock” the response by consciously overriding the reaction with a calming reaction. This takes practice and time, but in time will rewire your brain for a more neutral reaction to the stimulus. Remember, mindfulness is awareness. And awareness provides choices in blind spots you had before. #2 –Isolate the Rumination – Once you find yourself in a rumination moment, where you continuously rehash the event/trigger needlessly and incessantly – you by way of awareness, can isolate the feelings associated with that trigger. Consider it like fencing off a rogue bull from the herd. Instead of allowing these repetitive thoughts, to spread around your consciousness, wreaking havoc, you can isolate and fence off the negative ones. You can even use the imagery of fencing off the negative thoughts if that makes It more real for you. By isolating, you are now managing the negativity directly. Isolation of these thoughts is the first step towards releasing them. HSPs are prone to emotional reactivity, and this must be channeled into constructive action, i.e., from overwhelm to resolve. #3 – Release the Emotion Underlying the Negativity- Releasing negative thoughts or emotions is an active process and somewhat of an art form. There are many activities, I have suggested in the blog over the years, that are excellent at helping you become mindful and allowing release. Meditation practice is perhaps one of the best. Finding a meditation practice is an individual choice, but there are many information options online that can help you in choosing. The practice of yoga and Tai Chi are like meditation in motion; the quiet fluidity of careful body movement with breathing installs a calm and peace that is both active and still. They both create a flow state condition that empties the mind and is a perfect place for release. Other activities such as neurofeedback training, aerobic exercise, or even digitally enhanced mood-altering music are great ways to prepare your mind for release. Your body will reward you with mood-enhancing endorphins that will help you pass the negativity outward from your mind and body. Releasing is not an act of vulnerability but rather empowerment. Releasing does not mean you have to resolve the negativity; it is merely the act of letting go. This will return to you a state of flow. #4 – Retreat, Rest, Rejuvenation – In extreme cases of overwhelm, when the above doesn’t work, then downtime is in order. Quarantine (as if you’re not doing enough of that lately) yourself in nature or a special sanctuary that you have created for yourself for a retreat. Surround yourself with self-soothing artifacts and distractions – movies, music, books, hobbies, or passions and indulge yourself in silence. The goal is to seek peace and calm in your soul. Most HSPs know how to do retreat natively, so this should be a familiar activity or non-activity. Rest and recharge. Self-isolate. You have permission. #5 –Talk with Empathetic Souls – Do not hold this inside you! There is a time when talking to an empathetic soul is imperative. Externalize your thoughts with trusted family and friends and seek a measure of validation of your assumptions and concerns. You may be blowing the negativity way out of proportion, so seek some confirmation. This will help you confirm or refute your feelings and help you formulate constructive actions. #6 – Practice Peace and Calm, Serenity Living – Quieting the mind for HSPs is work. I mean real work. Yet doing so via practice and repetition will teach you to discipline your mind to manage erratic emotions, which often lead to overwhelm. This practice will train you for dealing with negative onslaughts, the kind that is quite common these days. Imagine that you are becoming a mental Aikido master. You fend off negative attacks by flowing with the energy that is opposing you. You take that energy and let it flow through you, not at you. Imagine you move in mindful motion with the attacker and disarm this energy by using that momentum to pass by you. You disarm it with mental Aikido, steps you learned above. #7 –Be Selective in Your Environmental Choices – The environment we choose to be in, is highly reflective of how much negativity we must cope with. Choose your companions wisely. You may not always be able to avoid negative people, but you should not consciously seek them out. It is real work to deal with negativity in people and will drain you of your resources. Additionally, be where you are most energized and feel flow. The places you allow yourself in can make a huge difference in your productivity. Be where you are most natural. Finally, surround yourself with peace and calm emitting amenities. A pleasant environment means a mind/body calm. #8 – Recognize that You are Different in a Good Way – We HSPs have different sensibilities. It comes with the territory. Some of it is sensory, some of it is intuitive, and some of it is HSP logic. We all need to learn to accept ourselves and embrace the gift of high sensitivity. Use it to enlighten, educate, and to uplift others. Spread positivity to negate the negativity. Refuse to believe or see sensitivity as a weakness.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male Fragility of Society I have been like many people watching the news closely on the pandemic Coronovirus-19. The story has been a constant droning of pessimism as of late as things start to become more alarming as the virus continues to spread. It dawned on me while watching this unfold that our society, our culture, and our civilization is very fragile. We talk a lot about the effects that we humans are having on the planet, with climate change, overpopulation, and consumption of natural resources. Still, it generally has not sunken into the head of the average person on the street. It's a someday thing, not a now thing. Coronavirus is a now thing. Its spread is quick and exponential and for many fatal. Still, many are ignoring the warnings. This thing we call civilization is propped up by the most fragile support mechanisms. But in the end, it's now clear that it all depends on people. Imagine civilization could come undone because of a microscopic organism that can replicate indiscriminately at machine speed. The virus following its primal objective to survive has found pay dirt in human bodies. We are the unfortunate hosts. Do I expect a wholesale collapse of our civilization? No. But, this should be a warning on the fragility of life in our modern world. Sandwiched between the layers of environmental factors, some outside of our control, and our free will lies the core of our existence. A fragile balance at best. The Economy is a Fantasy One of the first things to react was the stock market. The stock market is our legally sanctioned monetary casino, where many millions place their hopes and dreams and their lifelong savings, subject to skittish "corrections" to any provocation in the environment. The market is a place where wild emotional reactions can vaporize trillions of dollars in a single week. These stampedes caused by a panicked herd mentality can bring the economy down with such rapidity that sanctions had to be put in place to prevent massive sell-offs. It is the high temple of our world. We live in a world where the table is tilted for the few and away from the many. This disparity has unfolded more evidently in the last forty years as the rich get richer, and the poor and middle class fall off the map. A crisis, like the Coronavirus, points out the crack in the exterior walls of our economic fortress. The erosion of the middle class, through government, corporate, and political machinations, has left our once robust middle class vulnerable and weakened. The middle class has always been the engine that drives the economy. Couple this with the disregard for the poor, we find ourselves in a situation which is like channeling precious water away from our rich grasslands and fields and, allowing them to wither and become dried out and wondering why the brush fire wipes out our valuable resources. Every day we are shown indicators of prosperity – numbers that belie and mask the truth that wealth is not inclusive and is full of inequities. The reality is prosperity is there for the few and not for the masses. We thrive on scarcity and deny abundance, and this is costing us our souls. I wonder if the Coronavirus simply exposed the underlying virus that has been with us for years. We Operate on Assumptions Our whole society is based on assumptions. One assumption is that our healthcare system is world-class. Yet, access to healthcare is often limited, prohibitively expensive, and surplus in a crisis is non-existent. We assume that most of us will be well, and the system will never be taxed. Yet here we are. This assumption is based more on business models than medical models. Business drives every decision. Economy and efficiency are the drivers of profits. "Just in time" planning has been our mantra since the '80s. It may be efficient and profit-oriented, but it does not do well for contingencies, such as our current dilemma. Under stress, this system crumbles, and ad hoc planning must be invoked. We scramble to make sense of this disjointed jigsaw puzzle. We also assume that our elected leaders are true leaders, that they have the "right stuff" that they know how to direct, how to delegate, how to stay calm, and take responsibility. That they have empathy and compassion as they aid us in navigating any given crisis. Pay attention and watch how this unfolds. It's not looking good. Finally, we assume we live in a free society. We have free enterprise, free access to information, and we are free to move and free to live the life we want. We value our independence, which we falsely assume is our freedom. But when a crisis hits, do we resort to our selfish self-focused nature, or do we move towards the higher-order mammalian nature? From what I've seen thus far, we are split as a nation on this notion. That internal divide will continue as the crisis unfolds, or we will overcome it and unite. The choice is before us. How Things are Breaking Down I've said this before, but hegemonic masculinity is killing us, also known as toxic masculinity. This form of masculinity supports the rule by the privileged, the elite, the uncompassionate, and the unempathetic. Men and women can assume this role. Reptilian leadership is an oxymoron, for reptilian leaders only think of their own interests. Think today, think self. Their decisions are not cooperative but competitive and self-serving. Years of thinking this way has gotten us to the place we are today. The herd does not serve a purpose if all members are working in their own interests. We cannot survive as a species if we continue this type of thinking. Marginalizing large sectors of the population – people of color, women, LGBTQ, and new immigrant communities is like trying to thin the herd by ostracizing the very ones that make the herd healthy. It's the diversity that makes us resilient. We are a diverse herd; we need each other right now. The virus does not care about the superficial differences-- to Coronavirus; we are all humans. We are all hosts. Our economy is propped up by "the system." The government selectively props up Wall Street, big banks, large corporations, and wealthy investors, but shirks those less powerful. The error of thought here is becoming evident. The virus has exposed that the ultimate economic engine, is the workers, the people. As the workers retreat or are ordered to their sanctuary for self-protection, the wheels are coming off the bus. Alas, the system for the few, depends entirely on the many to survive. With no safety nets at the bottom, the whole game falls apart—great foresight by the elite. The global economy has given us inexpensive products to match our meager wages but has taken away our ability to remain self-sufficient. Without the free flow of people and goods, the system comes to a halt. No one gets spared, save a very select few. Why hasn't our government promoted small businesses, small industry, US manufacturing, and individual entrepreneurship? Politicians know there's no money in it. The money flows where the cheapest labor costs are, and that is not here in the US. We have been devaluing labor for over forty years. Fat corporate types own the purse strings. Now we have to depend on foreign businesses to support us in our crisis -not a sound strategy for managing a crisis from within. We need to find better ways to measure wealth. Why not measure wealth by how healthy the population is? Why not measure satisfaction and happiness in life? Why not measure for right livelihood or mental health? I'm not talking about not responsibly measuring money metrics but instead expanding the terms for abundance and prosperity. It's the American People, Stupid! Since the founding of our nation, the American people have tended to rally and solidify in crisis. We are pretty good at that when we can get on the same page. Yet, today politics, small-minded religion, and small outlier groups of highly agendized people have found a way to polarize us. Even now, we take sides as the crisis worsens. It seems the Reptilians are winning—their Social Darwinism eclipses compassion and caring. Most Americans just want the macro things to work in their lives, leaving that to government, while they pursue their micro interests. Most of us want the same fundamentals: home, educational opportunities, some savings, a good-paying job, balance in life, and a sense of worth and accomplishment. This basic premise should be completely reasonable in this country. Each year that goes by, we see more and more Americans watching this dream sail away. Why? And now nature has given us this crisis. Figure it out, people -- or we die, or at least collapse our flimsy straw house. How do HSPs figure into all of this? I suspect that many HSPs have been sensing for some time that this day would come. We are the canary in the coal mine – if we haven't completely grasped the entirety of it all or the implications of our fragile society, we have certainly felt it. It is uncomfortable, like a scratchy shirt, and these types of things we notice. We are designed for this task. As I have said, we HSPs need to become more visible, more noticed, and more vocal. And, in some cases, reluctant but needed empathetic thought leaders. We need to help with the leveling of the table. We need to give our wise and cautious counsel. We need to let our light shine. We see this; we sense this, we feel this. HSPs are not going to change the world on our own, but we have a responsibility because of our gifts of observation and deep thought to share our views with those who don't often see our acute world view. It's not too late. The virus is a wake-up call. The Sensitive Man - HSPs: Are we more advanced than we know? Positive Disintegration Theory1/6/2019  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Luke: All right, I'll give it a try. Yoda: No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try. From Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back In the early sixties, Polish psychiatrist, Kazimierz Dabrowski developed a personality development theory called Positive Disintegration. Positive Disintegration Theory postulates a personality development framework that emphasizes personality evolution via overexcitability (OE) crises of the individual , which amounts to a heightened experience of stimulus via increased neuronal sensitivities. This experience places the individual into crisis situations which expands the boundaries of personality and allows for growth. Individuals progress through levels of development spurred by these existential sensory excitements, eventually achieving a creative, altruistic state that optimizes human potential. It would seem a perfect developmental model for Highly Sensitive People, with our highly sensitive natures. We are well equipped to experience these catalysts for growth that could lead us to become highly advanced personalities per this model. But would our unique personality characteristics make us better designed to evolve to a higher level of human personality, and if so, for what purpose? Let’s look at the theory. Some of the main tenets of the theory are: 1) tension and anxiety are necessary for personal growth, 2) personality is not innate but must be learned, 3) developmental potential (DP), a key component and is a result of the overexcitability (OE) factor as well as the drive for autonomy, 4) the disintegration component refers to the breakdown of our primary integration, which is a more reptilian early life personality focused on selfish drives and survival. This basic personality is formed as a result of primal instincts and socialization and must dissolve for developmental growth to occur. Emotional reactions cause the development of individual values, different and individuated from the societal norms. Decisions are then made about the individual essence (which I read as the core of the person) and then existential choices then allow expression of the higher self and inhibition of the lower self as measured against these new found values. The levels of development occur along five stages. The developmental potential for each individual derives from various genetic features expressed through interaction with the environment. Through various mechanisms including overexcitability (OE), specific abilities and talents and a strong desire for autonomous growth this potential is realized. There are five aspects to (OE) they include: psychomotor (excessive physical energy, impulsivity), sensual (expression through the senses), imaginational (visualization in the mind), intellectual (voracious learners) and emotional (empathy). For those with high levels of OE, such as would be expected for HSPs, the road to development is not an easy one. Many highs and lows make navigating through development difficult. People with high developmental potential have a strong compulsion to work through and walk their own path. I find that in my contacts with HSPs this seems to be a common theme. Dabrowski describes five levels of development. As mentioned before we all start at the same place at the primary integration level. Many people stay at this level their whole lives, never advancing, focusing on self-centered objectives and survival strategies at all costs. This has nothing to do with intelligence. It is about the emotional development of the individual. Many intelligent, powerful people stay locked here. Their success predicated on fulfilling their basest desires. Others live here to follow and conform, never fully developing a strong sense of self. There is great social and peer pressure to conform here, a robotic and rote existence. The next level, Unilevel Disintegration, occurs as a result of brief periods of crisis, followed by existential despair and then transformation. An example might be adolescence, financial crisis, or the death of a loved one. Generally, these crises are horizontal – right/wrong, forward/backward types of decisions. This is a transitional stage. Many people pass through this level, as life does present many challenges. However, the transition does elude some, and they regress back to Level One, an easier state of being. Those that utilize the opportunity grow and begin to see the formation of individual values and beliefs. At the third level, named Spontaneous Multilevel Disintegration, many either progress or regress back to lower levels. The key question is, “Do I follow my instincts, my teachings or my heart?” Following the heart is the realization of the awakening of the third level. Relying on personal values developed over the previous stages and individual and unique perspectives, allow for breaking the mold and standing alone. This is a vertical choice level, involving many options spanning over many disparate levels, much like three-dimensional chess. There is an expansion of thinking outside of the box, exercising the individuals own beliefs and values. This level is a gateway to higher levels for those that embrace the work. Many never move beyond, and some even regress, even fewer move forward. Level Four is called Directed Multilevel Disintegration. The process of disintegration of the primary integration continues. At this level, more conscious and deliberate choices are made by the individual. The growth becomes centered externally, seeing beyond self and taking a more prosocial stance. It is a movement towards mammalian thinking--what is good for the herd, what is good for the group. More empathy, and more expansion. The individual begins to think in terms of what is the right thing to do, over more selfish interests. Finally at Level Five comes the Secondary Integration and is guided by conscious choices based on personal values. Shedding the primary integration, the individual awakens to their potential as a fully functioning human. Now distinct and separate from simply surviving and self-centered obsessiveness or obligation to conform to a societal norm that no longer seems relevant, the person is free to exercise free will. Choices are now made on the personal values honed over the various levels. True creativity, originality and a higher level of being occurs at this level. At this level, the primary integration is replaced by the unique integration of the individual. How do HSPs fit into this developmental model? At what level do HSPs seem to gravitate? Do we experience OE more often than most non-HSPs and does this move us forward in development faster than others? This seems to make sense considering our innate sensory sensitivities and our capacity for deep, reflective processing. With the exception that some HSPs might find retreating to a lower level more comfortable, albeit for temporary rest and reflection. We as a group would largely move forward without much conscious effort. We clearly process more emotional crises than others, because we feel more deeply – pulling in intuitive as well as sensory data. Pushing boundaries should be something all HSPs are encouraged to do, for this is the place where crisis meets learning opportunity and growth ensues. Most of the individuals that Dabrowski studied to develop this theory were at their peak, creatively and spiritually. Level Five sounds a lot like a high functioning HSP and could represent a good model for HSPs to adopt. Do the various levels equate in some way to various spiritual levels? The qualities of each level would suggest traveling from base instincts to a more altruistic and spiritual peak at Level Five. Could that mean that HSPs would then be more prone to being spiritually “enlightened?” It would seem so, but only for the ones that push forward, rising above the crises of life, learning, retaining, discovering the value of their own unique personality. Yet, can we break free of our obsessiveness with OE and fully see that crisis as a tool for higher evolvement? To face head-on existential moments in life with confidence that in spite of the pain moves us to higher levels of being human. With that, I believe we can live our lives with our full potential and help the planet evolve. It’s an interesting thought and an even more interesting theory. Yoda: Yes, run! Yes, a Jedi's strength flows from the Force. But beware of the dark side. Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will, as it did Obi-Wan's apprentice. Luke: Vader... Is the dark side stronger? Yoda: No, no, no. Quicker, easier, more seductive. Luke: But how am I to know the good side from the bad? Yoda: You will know... when you are calm, at peace, passive. A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, NEVER for attack. Luke: But tell me why I can't... Yoda: No, no! There is no "why". From Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back References:
 A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Forrester: No thinking - that comes later. You must write your first draft with your heart. You rewrite with your head. The first key to writing is... to write, not to think! From Finding Forrester One of the four main attributes of Highly Sensitive People is the tendency to and the ability for deep processing. HSPs routinely process emotional and environmental content more deeply than others and dwell on a topic for a longer period of time. We HSPs are prone to deep thinking to what others may term as extreme lengths at times which requires alone and quiet time. Sometimes this seems to be a curse – leaving those around us to question why we “overthink” things. The appearance of overthinking is true, yet, it is our nature and certainly a benefit for the most part, but can it be overdone? Can deep thinking be our worst enemy? Does deep thinking inhibit action – in effect holding us back? HSPs do more deep thinking using parts of the brain that are associated with deep processing, and higher use of the part of the brain called the Insula – an integration tool that connects more of the brain in synchronicity. The myth that we are slower thinkers is not supported . Research shows that HSPs have stronger, faster reaction times exhibiting our faster brain processing. Our natural startle reflex would support that idea. The fact that we often process more data than Non-HSPs may give the outward appearance we process at slower rates, but in fact, we are processing more data at higher rates with more outcome options analyzed. What is deep thinking? Is it something only intelligent, philosophical types do? Is it complex thinking? Or, is it simple thinking that is overly processed? Most deep thinkers display characteristics that seem good fits to what we consider HSP traits. They often are, introverted, observant, humorous (albeit quirky), voracious readers, forgetful, curious, planners, problem solvers, socially awkward, and independent. A lot of the psychological studies involving deep thinking suggest that it is a part of the definition pertaining to levels of thinking. A lot of this relates to how memory works, the deeper the encoding, the deeper the processing. That makes sense, much like a hard drive on a computer stores data for later retrieval, deeper encoding makes the data available for later processing. Shallow encoding would lead to more short-term processing, which would effectively come and go quickly. Another factor for enabling deep processing would be -- the more emotional the content, the stronger the encoding. Most HSPs are emotionally charged creatures. Much of our input would likely be highly charged and stored effectively in long-term memory, where it could be drawn and processed for longer periods. Because deep processing often involves the use of semantics; language helps to encourage the analytics of deep thinking. Many of the brain areas associated with memory and depth of processing: the hippocampus, amygdala, and neocortex are areas often associated with HSP brain processing. Whether HSPs as a whole have more powerful hippocampal areas (memory) or more active amygdala (emotion) might give additional credence to the idea that we are naturally wired for this type of processing. Since the Sensory Processing Sensitivity characteristics seem to occur across species, not just humans, you have to wonder if this quality is not evolutionarily ordained and functionally important for survival. But when does deep processing become overthinking? Overthinking is not considered to be a positive attribute. In fact, there are distinct health consequences for persistent overthinking. Two main outcomes of overthinking are rumination and worrying – both having stress consequences. Rumination is a process where the past is relentlessly rehashed with no productive outcome. Sometimes rumination involves circular recursive logic that leaves the individual feeling helpless and hopeless. Worrying, the polar opposite of rumination involves deriving negative predictions about the future – utilizing previous unsuccessful outcomes as input. Neither strategy leads to positive outcomes and can drive negative thought patterns deeper down. An infusion of emotions almost always energizes this exercise and can lead to anxiety, stress, and depression. If you find yourself in this loop and recognize it, then challenge your thoughts; focus on active problem-solving. Give yourself time for neutral reflection and mindfulness. Or, give yourself a consuming distraction to break the cycle and if that fails to work, seek help. Needless to say, the consequences of overthinking are much different than deep processing. I’m not sure that deep processing can spawn overthinking, regardless of what non-HSPs may think, but it would behoove us HSPs to be mindful of where our deep processing is leading us. Overthinking can lead to real mental health issues – anxiety and depression. It certainly can inhibit the benefits of your deep processing ability causing analysis paralysis and with that added stress can contribute to sleep disturbances. Our HSP ability to rely on deep processing of inputs is certainly one of our shining characteristics. It doesn’t’ lend us to making hasty decisions or staccato-like shotgun decision making. But our ability to deeply process and forecast outcomes is what makes us good advisors, counselors, and teachers. At some point, you have to accept your conclusions and go with them by taking action or risk treading into the realm of overthinking. Trust your gut, as an HSP your instincts are generally right, in large part due to your deep thinking capabilities. References:
 A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Chuck Noland: We both had done the math. Kelly added it all up, and... knew she had to let me go. I added it up and knew that I had... lost her. 'cos I was never gonna get off that island. I was gonna die there, totally alone. I was gonna get sick, or get injured or something. The only choice I had, the only thing I could control was when, and how, and where it was going to happen. So... I made a rope, and I went up to the summit, to hang myself. I had to test it, you know? Of course. You know me. And the weight of the log snapped the limb of the tree, so I-I - , I couldn't even kill myself the way I wanted to. I had power over *nothing*. And that's when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I'm back. In Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass... And I've lost her all over again. I'm so sad that I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful that she was with me on that island. And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring? From Cast Away I think it’s about time we HSPs and in particular HSMs stop complaining about our sensitivities and start living with it and learning from it, exploiting the advantages and looking for best strategies to thrive within the framework of Sensory Processing Sensitivity. That may sound harsh, but, as men, we need to explore our options on how we can best deal with SPS and then take that knowledge and share it with our HSM brothers and young men and boys. We might even consider sharing it with our non-HSP male counterparts to help them explore other aspects of their personalities they probably have veered away from. I have talked a lot about our culture’s boy and man code, toxic masculinity and living our own protective denial about who we are and covering up our differences. The world, for now, may not get us-- our moods, the tendency towards overwhelm, the depth of processing emotions and stuff, that many label “over-thinking,” --because this all spells drama to outsiders. Drama in familiar parlance is any kind of intense emotion that doesn’t fit the circumstance according to the labeler. They don’t get our quiet ways, sometimes think we are conspiring against them. They never understand our need to process to infinity and beyond on what they usually consider trivial matters, until, of course, they need to pick our brains on advice for one of their vexing problems. When you consider it, work, relationships, friendships, activities, social life – all are impacted by our high sensitivity and how we deal and cope. Nothing about our living goes unaffected by our SPS trait. Part of the overwhelms of life for most of us comes from not having effective coping skills to deal with the extra sensitivity. This is consternating for us HSP adults but is profoundly confusing for HSP kids. Many parents of HSP kids, some of which are not themselves HSPs are confused, embarrassed, frustrated and sometimes plain angry with their HSP offspring. They struggle because they don’t know of, or can teach the coping skills these children need. Although I am grateful at the growing acknowledgment and work about SPS from the likes of Dr. Elaine Aron, Dr. Tracy Cooper, Dr. Ted Zeff, and many others, we are far from universal awareness and understanding about how to cope, strategize, raise and bring up healthy HSP children. As many of us adults acknowledge our shortcomings or the lack of tools to help in this undertaking, we as HSPs must all band together to share our insights and teach each other those coping skills that have worked for us as individuals and to share the experiences we have had that might be useful to parents, teachers, and others that interface with HSP children. This is true especially for HSP boys that are not only up against one size fits all societal norms for masculine expectancy but the general bias against HSPs as a whole. This is hard for young HSP boys, because not only do they not match up with what is expected from most boys, but are often sensitive about this disparity. This disconnect contributes to self-esteem and self-confidence issues that will affect them as men and as adults. So what do we do? Let me talk first about some of our tendencies when confronting life’s conflicts. Our instincts generally lead us always to go within, retreat or isolate when we reach these obstacles. It just seems normal for us to withdraw at the first sign of resistance. We almost universally process in this way, or some close variant. For HSPs this may be to allow for more processing or rumination on the issue or for soothing purposes. To quiet down, rest on the problem. Yes, we all nod in an agreement that this is a good thing, but is it always a good strategy? For sure, it is a natural strategy for HSPs, no one has to teach an HSP to do this, but following our natural tendencies – does this make for best practices? Could it lead to passivity, inaction, and avoidance? I think about this a lot when I contemplate the idea of teaching proactive coaching strategies to young HSP men or boys. I often ask myself – what could have been taught to me as a boy, that would have made my life better, more fulfilling and instilled a higher degree of confidence in my ability to navigate the world. Instead, like many highly sensitive men, I just figured out on my own by trial and error, a cobbled together strategy. What we need are tools to teach ourselves and our young men how to take our gifts and our challenges as HSPs and use them to better ourselves and for that matter, the world. These tools would instill confidence and teach us how to use our unique voices. We could stand to learn more precise skills to regulate our emotions or how to throttle them when they are overwhelming or inappropriate. We need to learn how to communicate our needs to others, without sounding whiny or complaining. There should be a method that would be equivalent to mental aikido when we are attacked or feel that way, that would allow us to calmly use our opponent's negativity to flow through us, as opposed to draining us or hurting us. This could be a method to protect us. We need to understand our dark selves, too, those moods that might arise from negative upbringings or from other’s insensitive treatment and learn to show love to all those that don’t understand us. Most importantly, we need to learn the fundamentals of self-love, how to find and nurture it within ourselves. We need good roadmaps for finding our best career options and accelerate the proliferation of good tools for HSPs for identifying the HSP trait early on, either by testing (thanks Dr. Aron) or by trained observation. We need to cultivate how to guide our young HSP children towards careers that would allow them to prosper and thrive, helping them to get in touch with their life spark (read: passion) and show them how to map it out into an awesome life. We need career coaches and counselors to provide career “clouds,” which are general guidelines for options for broad occupation categories that HSPs can match to their individual personalities and characteristics. We need to match our young ones to mentors that can help them at schools and medical facilities, that understand them, and can encourage them in ways that stimulate HSPs in gentle ways. As an HSP male, I can’t emphasize enough, how important it is to identify and outreach HSP boys early on in life. A great deal of their socialization as males takes place early in life, from both males and females. Self-esteem and self-confidence begin here, and no one, HSP or not, is born with the means to self-confidence. It is all learned. Some of the coping strategies out there from a variety of sources, speak to the special needs of HSPs without really talking about the proactive tools approach. It’s almost a stimulus => response approach, that is most often offered. Nevertheless, not criticizing these approaches, they are coming from great sources, but still seem lacking in providing a walk out the door and into life approach, which anticipates challenges and provides a means to let life flow through us. I do believe as SPS gathers more research these tools will appear. Now, I am going to share a broad stroke of these ideas, a sampling of the advice for HSP coping. More detail can be found by linking on the references. In addition, at the end of the article, I have listed a few of the essential HSP books, that every HSM should have on their bookshelves or on their Kindles. Most authorities on HSPs speak to the need for HSP emotional regulation. This is very important. Like most HSPs, no one ever taught me about how to deal with the onslaught of heavy emotion I would deal with in my life. It’s easy to get addicted to the highs and lows, and without a good strategy, the roller coaster analogy really begins to take shape in your life. Dr. Aron speaks of acceptance of your feelings, being with them, realizing they are transient and will pass. She advocates remaining hopeful, realizing you can cope and with practice can receive the experience that allows you to feel that you are in control. This is the mindful thought sculpting approach many therapists utilize. She acknowledges that body matters are important too, such as sleep, diet, and exercise. How and where you spend your time will aid in dealing with overwhelm so keep matters of association and isolation in mind. Dr. Ted Zeff talks about raising HSP boys, in a gentle way, acknowledging their nature, being extra cautious to be mindful of bullying in and around their lives, and being cautious about placing them unprepared in stressful circumstances, where they may be humiliated or overly embarrassed. He emphasizes the importance of a strong, leader male – a father figure to guide them in finding their way. This is imperative to HSP boys to receive recognition from a respected male to aid them in developing confidence in themselves. HSP boys need to be engaged in physical activities that will help them be physically fit. Many HSP boys lack a positive body image and exercise and movement are key to improving that image. HSP boys need help in developing critical thinking skills to abate the tendency towards runaway emotions. A great skill for young men, HSP or not, is to learn meditation skills for relaxation and to increase mind calming. We need to teach them to regulate self-criticism, which often takes an emotional tone. We often suffer from recursive intrusive thinking. Critical thinking coupled with mindfulness and self-awareness can help tremendously here. I envision here a kind of Shaolin priest training program that balances both body and mind. For those of you who remember, the TV show, Kung-Fu, offers the character Kwai Chang Caine, who is a sensitive, spiritual and thoughtful man who walks with mindfulness and confidence in the world and I think a kind of cool role model for HSP boys. All of these activities should have a goal of increased self-esteem, via awareness and use of a variety of tools, many of which, are free, and only need to be taught. Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) or tapping is a great example of one of the tools. I would also recommend working with a therapist that knows EMDR (a tool that releases unconscious material quickly) or that offers some type of neurofeedback training. I personally, use Neuroptimal, to help calm my mind and build resiliency. All of this advice suggests some of the tools that, although not necessarily developed for HSPs, can be modified or adapted to be used for HSPs. We do need to stop treating SPS as if it were a disease. It's not. I am not above my own advice. I am still struggling with the idea of this trait as being a gift at times. I often let unknowing, sometimes well-meaning people frame my experience as being a liability or that I must make draconian changes in my personality. We all need to start looking at ways /strategies for being more proactive with our trait. Getting out from underneath the confusion about the trait, examining what’s good about it, and teaching ourselves and others how we can best use it to thrive makes sense now. I would welcome hearing about strategies that you may have tried to aid yourself in your life. Good or bad, they all bear mentioning. Chuck Noland: [to Wilson] We might just make it. Did that thought ever cross your brain? Well, regardless, I would rather take my chance out there on the ocean than to stay here and die on this shithole island, spending the rest of my life talking... [suddenly yelling] Chuck Noland: ...TO A GODDAMN VOLLEYBALL! From Cast Away References:
Books You Must Have or Read: Dr. Tracy Cooper – Thrive! https://www.amazon.com/Thrive-Highly-Sensitive-Person-Career/dp/1514693232 Dr. Elaine Aron –Highly Sensitive Person https://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Person-Thrive-Overwhelms/dp/0553062182/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_img_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=C3JDZ3F5EPSQSKE2VM6V Dr. Ted Zeff – Strong Sensitive Boy https://www.amazon.com/Strong-Sensitive-Boy-Ted-Zeff-ebook/dp/B004P5NVHA/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1543256675&sr=1-4&keywords=ted+zeff Zeff A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male Alex: What we were after now was the old surprise visit. That was a real kick and good for laughs and lashings of the old ultraviolent. From: A Clockwork Orange Somewhere along the way as I was growing, violence took a wrong turn in the media. Movies, TV, print; all began to show more graphic violence. I don’t know what the starting point was, or when; I just know that it started getting more detailed, more bloody. Of course, there were horror movies, slasher types that were full of gaudy special effects and makeup, but somewhere along the way, the technology got really good, and bloodletting began in full swing. For a highly sensing boy, I saw this is as a turnoff. What happened to the days, when a gunshot went off, there was a quick cut and a dead body laid on the ground? Sometimes with blood, sometimes without. I got the message; the character was dead, I didn’t need to see him bleed out, to make that point. The excessive reliance on violence for dramatic conflict seems like lazy writing to me. The subtlety of death and dying died, and so did a certain naivete upon the viewing public. Modeling of violence in the media can desensitize us all into the acceptance of violence or at least aggression as an acceptable method for resolving egregious problems or for seeking justice. Whether it is an endless war against perceived enemies, capital punishment as a means of justice or at a personal level arming oneself to the teeth, to protect against “bad guys.” I’m not interested in playing video games, but nowadays watching almost any historical drama on television or in films is rife with realistic and I could argue hyper-real blood and guts, as villains are slain to exact justice. One can simply no longer turn away from the violence and even as adults, the visceral and subtle unconscious effects alter all of us. There have been many studies over the years vilifying the effects of passively watching violence in the media. The National Institute of Mental Health found that children watching violent media may become desensitized to other’s pain and suffering , may become more fearful and may be more likely to behave in aggressive and harmful ways to others. It has even been suggested that this learned behavior may follow into adulthood. Violent video games have a similar effect. Ninety-eight percent of video games contain violence and since 97% of adolescents play video games the reach of violent modeling goes way beyond Saturday morning cartoons. Violence is found in music, YouTube, radio, on cell phones, the internet and now especially in social media. This constant exposure to aggression creates aggressive thoughts and can produce less empathy towards others. The focus of aggression is the intent to harm another, where the other is looking to avoid this harm. It takes many forms: relational aggression, i.e., spreading harmful rumors; cyber-aggression via electronic messages; and, verbal aggression. With over 42.5 aggressive acts per hour on television and with a clear increase in violence in movies over the last 40 years, it is no wonder that the effect culturally on children is growing. These children, of course, grow up to be adults. When these acts of aggression take a more severe form, we are looking at violent actions. Now, I know many of you may be saying, well, all these studies have not been able to prove long-term effects or that many of the studies are flawed or invalid. Some would even argue that viewing violence has a cathartic effect on aggression. Yet, there are no studies showing this to be true. It is very difficult, if not ethically impossible to construct a study in which a cause and effect relationship can be established by watching violent media with behavior in which murder or violence is the end result of the study. Yet, it is clear we can measure arousal rates when watching violent media, heart rate, respiration, and higher blood pressure. In fact, there have been MRI (magnetic resonance imagery) studies where noticeable differences in brain activity have been shown after just one week of watching violent video games. Other studies have noted short and long-term effects associated with this video violence. Primary among the short-term effects have been the arousal via emotional stimulation, which causes a visceral response. And, of course, mimicry, which causes the viewer to imitate behavior watched, in a less violent, but nonetheless aggressive way – generally more aggressive thoughts. The long-term effects may affect observational learning skills and alter emotional state, thought schemas, normative beliefs about violence and executable behavior scripts. It may cause desensitization with increased exposure, aggressive behavior, bullying, increased fears, depression, nightmares, and other sleep disturbances. The key to all of this is repetition. Repeating the viewing, especially with video gaming, where repetition increases skill level, increases the retention and acceptance of violence as a means to an end. This clearly affects children and adults. The continuous bombardment of violence or aggressive behavior, especially with the actions of hero characters, models that the world is a dangerous place and that justice is only served by righteous indignation, often in violent form. Because this is constantly presented as reality via the media, the unconscious mind, not the greatest at distinguishing reality from fiction learns that violence, if not honorable, is at least tolerable to settle injustices. How does violence in the media effect HSPs and in particular HSMs? Why would we watch it, if it is offensive and abhorrent to our sensibilities? I personally find excessive violence in film or television to be distracting to the story. It creates a strong visceral reaction, a shock if you will, that I feel in my body. I never get sick to the stomach, but feel a slight, steady revulsion to excessive violence, even knowing that it’s not real. If it is severe enough, I will turn my head, but as of late, I force myself to bear through it. It’s over soon enough, but the story is altered for me. Even with plot justification for the violence, I tend to be tenser watching the remainder, as if waiting for someone to jump out from behind me, to startle me. Gratuitous violence is just that – plugged into storylines at regular intervals to give the mind and body a shock. It sells tickets. My larger concern is what is all of this violence doing to us as a culture? Is it altering the way our brains perceive violence? I mean, one could argue that we have always been violent, aggressive creatures. But, at what point do we rise above our baser instincts and evolve, moving past violence. If it is affecting us all, does it mean we HSPs are being altered along with the rest of humanity? Why does violence appeal to us? Is it like sex, just a primal force of nature that our higher level cognitive powers haven’t learned to deal with. It seems that we crave violence, like sex, drugs and rock and roll. But, unlike sex, aggression is not a drive in humans. Sure there might have been evolutionary reasons for aggressive behavior to protect territory, but is it really necessary now? Perhaps, we see violence as a prelude to death. Pushed and pulled, drawing us in towards our warlike nature. In the U.S. alone child abuse occurs about every 10 seconds. We have the highest rates of youth homicides and suicides in the industrialized world. School shootings and mass shootings have sadly become commonplace. Americans are more than seven times as likely to be murdered than in the largest industrialized countries. We spend more of our tax revenue on defense, weapons, and wars than all countries combined. We spend more on prisons than on education, emphasizing the punishment instead of the cause. See the patterns? And I don’t know if there is a violence watching threshold. Are we getting close to the point where we have no reaction to watched violence? Denial of the effects of media violence is partly due to psychological reactance, which states that the more forbidden the fruit, the more attractive it is, the more we seek it, and the angrier we get towards those that would deny it. I’m not about censorship or restricting artistic freedom. But to what detail do we need to see death, to get the point. We are a violent and bloodthirsty people. We justify the bloodbath, by some type of screwed up divine sanction. Manifest destiny, or preservers of freedom, vindication or justice, sanctimonious crusades, we take our wrath out in blood. And we model it in our art. Then we wonder about violence in our world. Violence in our words, our actions, we eat drink and sleep violence. Our heroes are vampire sucking, life-destroying robots of violence. In fact, we equate good with righteous violence. As HSMs we need to aid in tamping down the violence in our sphere of influence. Perhaps, taking more care with our children in monitoring or sanctioning violent media viewing. If you are teachers, counselors, therapist, ministers or others in the helping professions, use your opportunities wisely to offer suggestions to caregivers and parents about the effects of violent media watching on children and adults. We can lead efforts to offer guidelines, based in part on our sensibilities to the media themselves for acceptable levels of dramatic aggression that serves a dramatic purpose without sensationalizing extreme blood, mutilation or gore. This should be gentle guidance, not out and out restrictive suggestions. We react differently to violence than non-HSPs, we do more feeling, thinking, recounting and I would say more reviewing with emotion and arousal. Maybe some throttling is in order to offer our wise counsel. Others may enjoy or thrill to the exploitative violence in the media, much like a teenager thrills at a joy ride in a stolen car. But repeated exposure, with the consequences sinking unconscious and manifesting in unsavory ways, is something that we as a society must guard against. Watch the news, read a paper, listen to the radio. It’s already happening. Alex: It's funny how the colors of the real world only seem really real when you viddy them on the screen. From: A Clockwork Orange References:
 A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male Clarence: You see, George, you've really had a wonderful life. Don't you see what a mistake it would be to throw it away? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ George Bailey: Dear Father in heaven, I'm not a praying man, but if you're up there and you can hear me [begins crying] George Bailey: show me the way... show me the way. From: It’s a Wonderful Life Lately, I’ve been talking about the intense feelings that HSPs can have. Part of that is developing healthy coping skills in dealing with these strong feelings. Men, especially in this country have been socialized to suppress their feelings in order to appear more “manly.” Yet, contrary to all evidence, suppressing feelings is not healthy at all. In fact, it may be contributing to the leading cause of suicide among middle-aged and older men. It had me thinking that there could be an intersection between some men, who are HSP, that are also older and have been socialized to keep feelings under wrap that may be contributing to an unhealthy sense of hopelessness or helplessness. Learned helplessness is a learned behavior to act or behave helplessly even when there is power to change the harmful or unpleasant circumstance. This behavior contributes to depression and depression, in turn, contributes to suicide. Depression is the leading cause of suicide. With ten percent of the population reporting feelings of sadness, six percent reporting feelings of hopelessness and five percent reporting a sense of worthlessness, it can easily seem like these factors are contributing to our nation’s depression epidemic. Women are more likely to be sad than men and singles more so than those that are partnered. Women have a two to one ratio for depression in most developing countries, although research shows that men and women have comparable levels of depression, but express it differently. Nevertheless, men’s suicide rates are higher than women. In spite of the fact that 70% of suicides are caused by the wide umbrella of depression and that women report higher incidences of depression, actual suicides are a staggering 4: 1 in favor of men. This rate of suicide in men increases with age. It’s worth noting, yet not surprising, that men seldom seek help for depression. Women are more likely to seek help. Women tend to ruminate on depression, holding it inward, whereas men tend to act (externalize) depression with drink and risky behavior. Suicide rates are higher with men over 50. Interestingly, low population states show higher suicide rates as do military personnel, LGBTQ communities and those suffering in chronic pain. There is some genetic tendency toward suicidal behavior, i.e., the Hemingways. Whether there is genetics at play or that this is learned behavior seems debatable. Edwin Schneidman, a noted psychologist, proposed a suicide model in which the victims tend towards unbearable psychological pain, isolation and a persistent perception that death is the only solution. Of course, there are other contributing factors – loneliness, bullying, discrimination, and separation from family, especially men as non-custodial parents. The upshot of all of this is that depression, helplessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness contribute to feelings which might lead to suicide. And, men who are desperate are often the ones who act on this. And what about us highly sensitive people?Would it seem HSPs, and in particular, highly sensitive men, are any more likely to reach that tipping point, born out of desperation? Is there any evidence that would suggest that due to intense emotional processing, and or with the added factor of additional mental health issues, that HSMs are at a higher risk for suicide? According to Dr. Tracy Cooper, HSPs are prone to depressive and anxious thinking due to a more elaborate depth of processing in their thinking. This thinking can lead to bouts of depression and sadness. But does that put HSMs at more risk of suicidal behavior? In Dr. Cooper’s blog, he references Dr. Thomas Joiner who has reformulated the major causes of suicide for predictive purposes. These causes are framed to highlight the weighted burden men often experience when helplessness and hopelessness set in. It is many ways a reflection of the unrealistic expectations men often shoulder in silence. Dr. Joiner’s list of criteria consists of the following: 1) a sense of not belonging or being alone, possibly because men often fear ridicule or shame for sharing feelings considered unmanly, 2) a sense of not contributing or of being a burden. In our current economic climate, men can feel as though they do not contribute as much financially as in previous eras creating a sense of guilt, and 3) finally, Dr. Joiner suggests that one must have the capability for suicide, the will to die, to override the evolutionary urge to survive, and the willingness to act. Even as research shows that the suicidal intention is transient and fleeting, there may be that moment in time, as Dr. Elaine Aron says, that the thought, played with, becomes an accidental action, and one breaches the portal of death. Dr. Aron, speaking specifically to HSPs shows some optimism for the HSP population in regard to suicide. She suggests because of the HSP depth of processing of feelings, our sometimes rampant perfectionism, the fact that HSPs are often bullied because of our uniqueness, and at some level can build a fed up attitude we harbor towards our sensitivity, causes that would otherwise turn others towards dark depression. This may be thwarted in HSPs due to our natural empathy, caution and willingness to think things through before acting. This may keep HSPs from following through on such a permanent and drastic measure. Yet, I wonder, does Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS), the prominent trait of HSPs, create opportunities for HSPs to experience difficulties in processing deep-seeded or highly emotional trauma, i.e., PTSD? Conversely are HSPs any better suited to handle the emotional overwhelm , something that we routinely experience, and are we more likely to share the deep, dark feelings with others? Do HSPs, perhaps, more so than the general population seek out help, including highly sensitive men, when needed to avert something catastrophic like suicide. I have not been able to find specific research supporting this, but feel comfortable assuming there is some degree of truth to that. What could be a soft crack in the above resilience hypothesis of sensitive men, might be where HSM men over sixty suffering traits suggested by Dr. Joiner, who may not be aware of their SPS traits and may labor with archaic male role models. Regardless of their awareness of their sensitivity, and by that, I mean acceptance of it, they may hold their feelings in private to seem more masculine and yet suffer deeply within and not connect with others. As research has shown, if they had been raised in negative environments as children, the overall effect could be compounded. With negative copings skills and low self-esteem, this could dovetail quickly into a serious situation. While acknowledging the seriousness of talk about suicide, which may seem like attention seeking behavior, you cannot assume that the individual is not capable of the act. If you know of someone that is showing these behaviors listed below, or if you are displaying these, get help immediately:
Suicide is always a failed strategy in lieu of better coping skills. A fatalistic approach to life is a failure to comprehend, the value of every life. It is failed thinking, spurred by deep and often unconscious programming, the result of unfortunate learning or experiences. These can be remedied with professional help. Seek out help if you are even contemplating suicide. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. Footnote: In recent times, we have just witnessed two high profile over 60 males who committed suicide. Robin Williams suffered from Lewy Body Dementia, a disease that causes multiple perplexing physical and psychological problems. The net result of confusion, helplessness, and depression led to his actions. I suspect that Mr. Williams was an HSP, but I have no way of verifying that. He was a thoughtful, sensitive, and gentle man-- that could easily be observed. I can’t imagine his suffering, the consternation of watching his world crumble before him and dealing with those complex feelings of helplessness. Like many, I do miss his brilliance and his talent. Anthony Bourdain was suffering from depression, according to accounts, with a reported desire to die. Yet, he shouldered a “strong man” mentality, never asking for help. He suffered in many ways, alone, as many men do. Suicide is largely a male problem. Without knowing him, despite his caustic and street tough exterior, I suspect he was at his core a gentle, thoughtful man. His support of the #MeToo movement would suggest great empathy. I will also, miss his lusty appreciation of great food and great culture and his dry wit. Perhaps, as we begin to redefine what maleness means, we can open doors to those who unwittingly lock themselves behind the dungeon doors of an old archaic definition of masculinity. We are not stoics; we are not Spartans, nor Samurai – death by the blade or poison or violent leaps is not an honorable death. Our wrongful thoughts and concepts, fueled by emotion kill us. They can be changed but must be brought to the surface. By coming clean with our deepest emotions, we can then define who we are and what we wish to be. Let the movement begin. Clarence: Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he? From: It’s a Wonderful Life References:
 A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male Clementine: You don't tell me things, Joel. I'm an open book. I tell you everything... every damn embarrassing thing. You don't trust me. Joel: Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating. Clementine: I don't do that. I want to know you. [angry] Clementine: I don't constantly talk! Jesus! People have to share things, Joel... Joel: Mmmhhmmm... Clementine: That's what intimacy is. I'm really pissed that you said that to me! Joel: I'm sorry... I just, my life isn't that interesting. Clementine: I want to read some of those journals you're constantly scribbling in. What do you write in there if you don't have any thoughts or passions or... love? From: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind One of the main characteristics associated with Sensory Processing Sensitivity is a propensity for emotional overwhelm. This applies to both male and female HSPs. Overwhelm is the tidal wave of emotion HSPs experience when bombarded with highly charged sensations or feelings. Emotional overwhelm is a state of being brought on by intense emotion that is difficult to manage and can have effects on thinking and functioning. Common causes of emotional overwhelm are relationship issues, underlying physical and mental conditions, career demands, financial difficulties, unexpected life transitions, loss of a loved one, sleep deprivation, trauma, and poor diet. This can sometimes lead to depression, anxiety, anger, panic, and guilt. Dr. Elaine Aron points out that emotional overwhelm is a key characteristic of the HSP personality trait. One of her strategies to highly sensitive people in dealing with overwhelm is the idea of emotional regulation. Emotional regulation can be a conscious or unconscious behavior that influences what emotions we have when we have them and how we experience and express them. The importance of this tactic should not be lost on most HSPs. It’s no secret that negative feelings last longer for highly sensitive people. Dr. Aron recommends emotional regulation follow acceptance of feelings and not being ashamed of having these feelings. It is her suggestion to HSPs to believe that they can cope with their feelings, equally as well as others do. This helps prevent the feeling of helplessness when overwhelm kicks in. She urges the recognition to trust that these feelings will not last and to assure that there is always hope that eventually you can do something to ameliorate strong emotions. Psychologists refer to feelings as affect. Affect includes feelings and mood. Emotions tend to be briefer than moods. Emotions are more specific , precipitated by a situation or event, whereas moods are broader and have a tendency to linger beyond the triggering events. Feelings are measured by a scale of high or low pleasure and high or low activation. An example might be, anxiety with a low pleasure rating, but a high activation score. There is some variability in the ability of people to regulate emotion. We all could use this approach at times. Some generally accepted strategies are changing our thoughts, reappraisal – thinking about different things, distraction – doing something different and surface acting (change expressions) or conversely deep acting (regulating feelings). Developing coping skills is important when dealing with overwhelming emotions. However, it is not the same as emotional regulation, although, coping does involve the use of emotional regulation among other actions. Regulating feelings is not easy or straightforward. There is some automatic regulation that does take place using unconscious learned behavior. For example, a lot of our social behaviors are learned and acted upon without much thought. And, we all know that feelings can be contagious, so others can affect our emotions by simple proximity. For HSPs self-control of emotions can be an exhausting exercise. Emotional culture and emotional exhaustion are correlated. Those cultures that favor an institutional approach to emotional regulation tend to express more stress and emotional exhaustion. These cultures provide more pressure for cultural norms and conformity. The United States is one such culture. Emotional exhaustion, also known as burnout, creates a chronic state of physical and emotional depletion resulting from excessive environmental and internal demands. This can lead to numerous health issues and can be mentally debilitating. Stress releases cortisol into the body, and immune systems can be suppressed during stressful times leading to disease and systems shut down in the body. This is not good for HSPs or anyone for that matter. And, although this happens to all humans, HSPs are particularly vulnerable. It is just our nature to process emotions at such a high rate, with a higher influx of sensory information, creating a perfect storm for overwhelm, both emotionally and physically. Does that make HSPs hypersensitive or prone to histrionic personality disorder (read: you’re getting hysterical)? Some people may think that, but actually, hypersensitivity, a part of Sensory Processing Disorder (not Sensory Processing Sensitivity), is about unusually high reactions to sensory stimulus. This can be a single sense or multiple senses, and in and of itself can be debilitating. Histrionic personality disorder (hysterical), a condition that occurs mostly in women is an excessive expression of emotion used to drive attention seeking behavior. A manipulative behavior typically learned early in life and manifesting in young adulthood. Neither of these should be confused with emotional overwhelm or as causes for emotional overwhelm in HSPs. For most HSPs shutting down and getting away to solitude is the most typical response. But, is this always practical? At work or in public emotional self-regulation is an expected cultural norm. In fact, one definition of emotional regulation espouses dealing with life experiences with socially acceptable levels of emotion, modifying, evaluating and moderating reactions via extrinsic and intrinsic means. General advice from most authorities leans towards an exercise in thought sculpting these eruptive emotions to control the response. But can this be controlled like a tap? Can it be throttled down situationally? Or do we only have the ability to control the aftermath? What are the warning signs, signals that help warn of an impending dam blast of emotion? Should the focus rather be on moderating the emotions or modulating them? As I am using the terms, moderating is more about changing emotions as they arise, whereas, modulating would focus on controlling emotions at the source. Moderation techniques would include the thought sculpting mentioned previously or simply as Dr. Aron suggests waiting and allowing the emotional wave to subside and then sharing with a trusted confidant. By sharing, the emotion is released of additional internal processing by talking it through. There is an interesting process model for emotional regulation, which includes a feedback loop to repeat the process if necessary. It consists of four components, 1) the situation or event, 2) giving attention to the situation, 3) appraising, evaluating and interpreting the situation, and 4) formulating a response – then if necessary looping back to the beginning. Some additional strategies with this method would include, remove yourself from the situation, modifying the situation, redirecting your attention from the situation, cognitive change, and moderating the response to fit the situation. Modulation techniques would be those techniques that mostly focus on relaxation strategies to gear the nervous system to a state of emotional calm and training the brain to respond to highly emotional situations in a calmer manner. It is in many ways, training the brain to stay calm under fire. Some of these techniques I have been advocating in other blog posts. They include autogenic training, bio/neurofeedback, deep breathing exercises, hypnotherapy, guided imagery, progressive muscle relaxation, exercise, massage, yoga, Qigong, meditation, EFT, prayer or intention training. All of these methods help by creating internal peace and calm as a steady state. This does not prevent emotional events from triggering familiar responses, but rather helps the experiencer return to a calmer state faster. Yes, there are actions you can take to prevent or ameliorate emotional overwhelm, but they do involve practice and control. It may be best to find one that best fits you and then stick with it. Overtime, with repeated effort, it will help in some ways rewire your brain for handling intense emotion. Here are some further suggestions:
Clementine: I apply my personality in a paste. From: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind References:
A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male John Keating: Now we all have a great need for acceptance, but you must trust that your beliefs are unique, your own, even though others may think them odd or unpopular, even though the herd may go, [imitating a goat] John Keating: "that's baaaaad." Robert Frost said, "Two roads diverged in the wood and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." From: Dead Poet’s Society. It seems highly sensitive men are asked from an early age to always “man up” or “get tougher.” Of course, almost all boys are told the same thing, most will take it to heart and comply, but HSP males have to struggle with what their internal workings are telling them. The request is essentially asking that HSMs override their sensitive nature to present a culturally acceptable mask of what a man should be. Understand that this is not really about manhood or being a man, but rather following a prescribed definition of gender role, that probably traces its roots too deep in our ancestral past. The focus of “manning up” is to suppress emotional response in males. I am talking about a full spectrum of emotion. The logic states that less emotion means more logical, more rational thoughts and behaviors. But looking around at the current male-dominated world in which we live, you can see that this clearly does not pass muster.The inconsistencies are legion. Asking HSP males to be less emotional, less prone to deep processing and thoughtfulness, so as to fit neatly into a cultural norm that is archaic at best, and destructive at its worse is an epochal calamity waiting to happen. The question among all HSP males is should I or can I even change my personality enough to fit into that mold comfortably. Can I become something that I am not? The teaching to HSP men and boys is to simply apply one’s willpower to suppress feelings, thoughts, behaviors that are products of our unique genetic trait. Can one apply willful change for the long term, to change fundamental characteristics of our personalities? Is this just a matter of self-control, when self-control is control over one’s behavior, actions, thoughts, and emotions – a herculean effort at self-regulation. And, what would be the benefit – delaying display of emotion in order to appear to be unaffected and dispassionate? Is this masculinity? To meet an expectation of manhood that would deny a fundamental expression of something human and completely normal. And, what about our deep processing? Can sheer willpower control that? Would exercising quick decision making make us think less deliberately and appear to be more forceful or aggressive? Can we turn off the mechanism that calls us to deeply process on an event or action that occurred in the past, causing us to retreat to a quiet place and examine all possible outcomes? Or do our emotions impact our decision making to the extent that we always run with our feelings, our gut, our intuition? One of the reasons our deep processing capability is so valuable is that it allows us to reflect before we take action. In a reactive world, this is refreshing to know that there are those that do think before acting. According to Dr. Elaine Aron, this does produce a benefit for the larger group, as long as the deep thinking HSPs are in the minority, which we typically are. The logic is that if the larger group is more non-HSP inclined, then the unique insights of HSPs will be useful and appreciated more. In other words, our difference is our value. Chinese researchers studying HSP characteristics have found that our deep processing, reflecting in the high availability of dopamine in our brains, a hormone that facilitates the deep processing, suggests that our trait of deep processing sensory data is a genetic one, one not likely to be altered easily. In addition, a lot of deep processing may go on outside of conscious awareness, which produces many insights that we attribute to our keen intuition. Couple that with strong emotions and associate that with our depth of processing can lead to stronger encoding and insight with that information. Pairing our high emotion with thinking enhances memory and facilitates lessons learned, perhaps producing wisdom. Another benefit of our emotional nature. And, if some of the deep processing is potentially unconscious, how could we control that aspect? So much of what our brains do happens below or at near threshold of awareness. The idea that we could control this consciously seems unrealistic and impractical and only as an afterthought. So much of emotional reaction seems nearly involuntary. Think of a time when something affected you very deeply. Perhaps, something touched you unexpectedly, or a trusted friend unjustly criticized you or betrayed you. The emotional machinery deep within triggers at neuronic speed a series of physiological and emotional responses reflexively. Often too fast to stop. And this happens to everyone at some point. To me, the answer is clearly no: no to change and no to self-control. While I realize that some adaptation may benefit us, the wholesale dismissal of who we are is not only unrealistic; it’s impossible to do as a long-term strategy. We can no more turn off our deep sensing nature any more than we can turn off our deep processing – the two are polar ends of a singular trait, we call SPS, sensory processing sensitivity. That makes us different and unique, and I might add useful. We are what we are because SPS is a deeply ingrained inherent quality within us. Our SPS trait uniquely influences our cognitions, motivations, and behaviors. It is a primary filter in our lives, coloring our experiences and shaping us. It is a fundamentally genetic trait that couples with our environments, upbringing influences, tendencies, potentials, adaptability, and self-induced moderations to create the HSP influenced, yet unique individual that we are. The question remains can we steer these fundamental and inherent qualities and factors that can be unconscious, yet influence our thoughts and behaviors? Can we change our configuration of traits (even if we truly desired to make this change) to mold ourselves into something that is not us? To conform to an arbitrary set of standards, that we are inherently designed to buck? Is this just an exercise in thought control? So many rational materialists put such emphasis these days on thinking our way out of problems. And, by thinking, I mean thought sculpting our way out of our problems, our issues and especially our feelings, some of which originate in our unconscious. To believe that we as HSMs can think our way out of being “sensitive” (as if that is a problem) so that we can follow the norm is ludicrous. You can no more think your way out of being blue or brown eyed than to think your way out of being an HSP. Within this expectation of change is an unrealistic emphasis on what the conscious critical mind can achieve when in reality much of the processing including motivation, self-image, and confidence has roots in the unconscious patterns that require much effort to change. This part of personality that forms self-image becomes the sum total of one’s knowledge and understanding of self. Some of this is learned, some of it is traits influenced, organized along the lines of beliefs, thoughts, and self-perception. A self-concept once cemented may serve to preserve a view of self to protect that self-image and rarely yields to outside influence. The prevailing wisdom, for men, is get in line or go home. Falling in line to please people is a lame and counterproductive strategy. I know, I’ve done it enough in my life. You cease to be authentic when you place yourself in compromised positions, vis-à-vis your HSP traits. Masculinity in the modern world is past due for some needed major revisions. Current expectations are out of reach even for many non-HSP men. Moving the bar over towards a more human model serves both men and women. There is no need to abandon healthy male expectations, which may underlie our peculiar evolutionary roles, but note we don’t live in caves anymore. So, put aside the club and bearskins. The upshot of all of this is to accept and embrace our sensitivity or more specifically our SPS qualities. It is indeed a gift, but like all gifts comes with some strings attached. You are more aware, more empathetic, more sensitive to nuance. Emotions often rush to the surface without much control. That’s fine, but remember others may be put off by your handling of things. Just be prepared for some pushback. As always, educate others when you can. Educate yourself and find others of our tribe for fellowship. Recognize that you are not alone, no matter how you have felt in the past. Remember, too, where you may have been called to self-restraint or chastised for these qualities previously, self-control and willpower will not change you. Nor should it. You are what you are, and regardless of how you look at it as fate, by design, by nature or some type of cosmic tuning, you are here for a reason -- just as you are. Neil Perry: I just talked to my father. He's making me quit the play at Henley Hall. Acting's everything to me. I- But he doesn't know! He- I can see his point; we're not a rich family, like Charlie's. We- But he's planning the rest of my life for me, and I- He's never asked me what I want! John Keating: Have you ever told your father what you just told me? About your passion for acting? You ever showed him that? Neil Perry: I can't. John Keating: Why not? Neil Perry: I can't talk to him this way. John Keating: Then you're acting for him, too. You're playing the part of the dutiful son. Now, I know this sounds impossible, but you have to talk to him. You have to show him who you are, what your heart is! Neil Perry: I know what he'll say! He'll tell me that acting's a whim and I should forget it. They're counting on me; he'll just tell me to put it out of my mind for my own good. John Keating: You are not an indentured servant! It's not a whim for you, you prove it to him by your conviction and your passion! You show that to him, and if he still doesn't believe you - well, by then, you'll be out of school and can do anything you want. Neil Perry: No. What about the play? The show's tomorrow night! John Keating: Then you have to talk to him before tomorrow night. Neil Perry: Isn't there an easier way? John Keating: No. Neil Perry: [laughs] I'm trapped! John Keating: No, you're not. From: Dead Poet’s Society. References:
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AuthorBill Allen currently lives in Lutz, Florida. He previously lived in Bend, Oregon. He is a certified hypnotist and brain training coach at BrainPilots.com. He believes that male sensitivity is not so rare, but it can be confounding for most males living in a culture of masculine insensitivity which teaches boys and men to disconnect from their feelings and emotions. His intent is to use this blog to chronicle his personal journey and share with others. 
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