 A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Have you ever asked yourself, what is good enough? Anytime you start a task, what level of achievement do you expect? Do you have a benchmark for good enough? Is the amount of effort that matters to you, or is it the outcome? Is success an absolute for you? Many HSPs are hung up on perfectionism. At times, I can be fanatical about achieving a goal or completing a task and being perfect. Unfortunately, there are many reasons why this is the case for some of us – from people pleasing, low self-esteem, or simply a programmed obsession with being perfect. There appears to be a misguided notion that anything worth doing is worth doing perfectly, and if you’re not going to do it perfectly – why do it? But is perfection even possible? Isn’t this an impossible belief, a form of absolutism? A striving for excellence can only mean surpassing mere good enough or even your best effort to attain absolute perfection. It is a lofty aspiration. What can we say about the belief that there is a universal truth that only perfection is acceptable? First, let’s look at this a bit closer. Striving for Excellence As a primary mission, there is no fault in striving for excellence in any task or endeavor. Setting a goal and striving to achieve that goal, in my opinion, is a noble goal. But, like many life journeys, the road is full of potholes and detours. Our original goal need not be rigid, with one path, but should reflect and adjust to the many deviations that life throws us. In fact, rigidity is the enemy of perfection. Perfectionism is a corruption of excellence in that it embraces rigidity and makes the goal almost unachievable. Rather than striving for excellence, we offer our best effort to any task, expecting alterations and changes in the route. This allows for a level of tolerance that is not perfect but still allows a completion close enough to our original goal that rewards our best effort. Striving for excellence is how we perform our tasks. Making corrections and improvements along the way, like guided missiles, we ultimately make subtle, sometimes drastic changes to reach our destination. This proposition requires the appreciation and adoption of good enough at times. Not much of a severe compromise if it gets us to our goal. The Perils of Perfectionism Perfectionism is like a disease that eats away at any effort and requires an impossible and absolute execution far exceeding normal human capabilities. The fear of perfectionism, or the withdrawal from an attempt due to anxiety that a task will not be executed perfectly, often keeps us from trying challenging tasks. Moreover, because of an absolutist expectation of perfection, we prejudge ourselves out of competition for fear that we can reach the elusive, not impossible, prize. Perfectionism can serve as a convenient excuse not to like ourselves. For inherently, we all know that we are not perfect. And, failing to attain perfection, we reinforce an unrealistic notion that we are not good enough. Perhaps, it comes through us as an attempt to please others, i.e., “if I am perfect, people will love me.” What a lousy bargaining chip for garnering love and acceptance. The stress on the self to achieve an uncommon perfection level can be debilitating for some. There is no room for ‘good enough’ in their lexicon. Yet, what is good enough? The Ideal Quest for Enough First, we must eliminate the idealization of perfection and toss the idea that we can be perfect in all we do. The good enough mentality sometimes is the only way to accomplish a goal. This especially is true for first-time efforts and trying out new, unproven tasks. Accomplishments come easy to some, more difficult for others. Secondly, find where the task or goal fits your values and priorities. Then, measure your success against those values and nothing else. Perhaps, just getting the job done is achievement enough. That’s what we call good enough. Thirdly, don’t sell good enough down the drain as a mediocre or lackluster performance or, as they say, an “also ran” effort. Sometimes good enough is GOOD ENOUGH—everything we do need not be a record-breaking world performance. Often what we see as perfection is an undetected series of good enough efforts to craft a fine point on something that is merely good enough. In effect, the polish on the silverware makes something ordinary look sparkly and perfect. Lastly, we must learn to accept that we are not perfect in everything we do. Therefore, we give the goal and task our best efforts, fueled by passion and values rather than driven by some abstraction of idealized perfectionism. A Happy Medium Don’t get me wrong; I think striving for excellence is a good goal. It lifts our work from simply passable to something more indicative of our skill sets and talents. However, we should always do our best for nothing more than our personal integrity. But, let go of absolutism. There is likely no absolute truth, wisdom, perfection, or knowledge that is not subject to criticism or improvement. For the most part, I think life is a series of successive approximations of truth. We are constantly correcting, allowing us to flow with the changes. Rigidity is the great destroyer of life. Perfectionism is a formulaic rigidity that stifles and is anti-growth. Finding your “good enough” is about seeking a comfortable level of truth about your abilities, skills, etc., and how they can be used in the world. Letting perfectionism inhibit your willingness to fail and learn is a recipe for a frustrated and stilted life. Good enough is not necessarily about resignation but agreement within yourself that you have worked something long enough and it’s time (good enough) to let it go into the world. As an author, I have tried to write, rewrite and restructure books, written pieces, and articles to get them to their best. Then at some point, I let it go and release it as it is, knowing that it is not perfect. However, I have found that most people are not looking to read perfection but will be happy with a good enough read that has meaning and significance to them. So, look for your good enough. Sometimes it’s a feeling, sometimes an objective optic that tells you that you have arrived at your place of completion. Don’t let perfectionism stop you, and recognize that you are good enough, just as you are. Rest in that. Please comment with your thoughts.
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 A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Self-esteem is the bridge to the world of self-confidence. Conversely, some may argue that high self-esteem is the predicate for arrogance or narcissism. There seem to be many interlocking or interlacing terms for what a healthy self-regard might be – self-love and self-confidence come to mind. And yes, there could be an argument for unhealthy self-esteem leading to narcissistic tendencies, but I believe self-esteem is simply how you see yourself in the world. I believe that, especially for HSPs, it is the ability for self-love. Most of us have heard negative feedback about our trait throughout our lives. This is largely due to a misunderstanding of the attribute. Wherein sensitivity is seen as a weak, frail personality downfall that often drives us to overwhelmed reactions and emotional overload. This pejorative feedback can fuel the negative thought patterns that lead to our low self-esteem. It is in our nature to be more contemplative, and we continually evaluate ourselves in lieu of how others see us. Unfortunately, we are also prone to internalizing this negativity and converting it into negative self-talk. Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet to increasing our self-esteem or self-valuation. It requires work and reframing our self-image, but it is doable. Consider some of these tips to help you get started in building up your self-esteem. And remember, nothing will change unless you act. Internal Work It all starts from within. One way you can take a baseline of where you are in life is to consider your personal values. These values can be your guideposts for evaluating how you are doing in life and will be the basis for your ongoing self-evaluation and integrity. The values important to you can be measured against how you are presently living your life. If there is a large degree of congruency, then you can consider yourself in alignment with what you value. Sometimes, we can compare others' expectations to our situation and devalue our life or lifestyle, notching down our self-esteem. Get clear on your value system and measure your life against what is important to you. This would be a good time to start questioning your internal negative dialogue. Some of the inner chatter will have origins in others' opinions, but some will come from you. The external inputs can be put aside, often from family, peers, or friends. These inputs may not be useful in the long term. Consider the source and rate how valid it seems to your present situation. It is often baggage dumped on you by others. The internal inputs are yours to own. You can change them at any time, with focus, awareness, and changing the script. Automated behaviors require a present minded focus to identify them. Once identified, they can be analyzed and revised. Your attention to them puts light on them, which gives you the power to reframe or delete them. Your comfort zone can be a safety net or a limiting prison. Examine if it's time to expand your C.Z. and push the boundaries of your experience. Creating more free-range life experiences may help build greater confidence as you tackle more of life. Sure, you will fall sometimes, but self-esteem will make you bouncier and more resilient, making it easier to take on life's challenges. Healing your soul of past wounds is important in moving on and growing. Tend to your garden, get rid of the deadwood and weeds, nourish what you want and need and discard the rest. Let yourself flourish; the bounty is within you. Define your boundaries clearly. You may need to defend them when necessary. Do not blindly accept attacks as facts from others. In the end, they are often conjecture and do not reflect you. Discard those that don't support you. See your failures as pathways to growth. Don't internalize the failure as a lack on your part. In learning, failure is not the point; the correction is. Learn to tell the distinction. People who accomplish much fail often. What makes them successful is they don't quit at failure. Face fears bravely. Each fear you conquer adds new mail to your armor. However, your confidence will grow, as will your self-esteem by slaying your dragons. Active Work I highly recommend reading inspirational material. Find authors that you admire and inspire you to action. By doing so, you feed your mind with positivity and hope. This suggestion may sound superficial, but I would also evaluate your outward appearance. It reflects your internal state. Does it suggest low self-esteem? Be honest with yourself; sometimes, we justify not taking care of our appearance to present a bohemian view of ourselves that masks low self-esteem. This is not about beauty or superficiality but rather about letting the internal out to be displayed in your external appearance. When you look into a mirror, ask yourself, who do I see? You may need to adjust to reflect the new you. It's important to continue to learn new things. Continue to grow, and don't worry about the learning curve. It will take care of itself. Armed with new knowledge, your self-esteem can flourish. Take inventory of what you've done and accomplished. It's a bigger list than you realize. Even if the accomplishments seem small, they are still worthy of respect. Keep adding to your list, knowing that you can do great things. External Work Now, this may seem radical but rid yourself of negative people and influences. Anything that doesn't edify you or make you feel better about yourself should be examined for discarding. What you take from others often becomes what you are. So, protect that border with vigilance. Reach out and help others. Doing benevolent acts of kindness will feed your soul and bolster your self-esteem. Exploit your skills and talents and put them to good use. As a result, your confidence will grow, and you will feel better about your situation in life. Speaking of your talents, do something creative and share it with the world. Then, let your darlings go and find their place in the external world. It is your gift to share and may be a blessing to someone you don't even know. Finally, don't worry about what others think. I mean this generally because it's almost impossible to be entirely oblivious to others' feedback. Pick and choose what you receive, especially from those in your inner circle. Be able to take constructive criticism with good intent and block the negative feedback that will demean you. You must filter this and get good at deciphering where the help is and where the malintent lives. In the end, self-growth will add naturally to your self-esteem and worth. Confidence comes with experience, learning, and life. Building a pyramid of self-appreciation sometimes takes a lifetime of work. Appreciate and celebrate your successes, knowing that life is full of ups and downs. Do the best you can – you need to find out what that is. You are a complete person, and a whole person is both good and bad at times, both successful and likely to fail. You will fail and rise again – your self-esteem can be your fuel. Good luck. Please comment with your thoughts.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Like many youngsters, when I was growing up, it was important to find out where in the world I fit in. Being a highly sensitive male did not make matters easier. Like so many boys, I was socialized to conform to the traditional masculine role model, and as hard as I tried, it was often not easy for me. However, I grew up when non-conformity was popular among young people, so I believe I caught a break with the changes of those times. As I have gotten older and arguably wiser, I now realize the importance of finding our place in the world. As an HSP, I find, like many HSPs, that meaning and purpose in our lives are critical for happiness. I often write about this in my blogs and books because I think it is a universal struggle with many highly sensitive people. It’s important to recognize that it’s not just about how you fit in as an individual; it’s also important to acknowledge the perhaps trickier aspects of fitting in as an HSP. We are in no small measure different from most of the less sensitive people we share the planet with. Finding acceptance for our traits can be challenging and frustrating. HSP characteristics will shape how you find your niches and where you will find them. Our need for critical environmental conditions influences our life decisions and reflects our strong desire for peace and harmony. Our requirements for downtime and rest will dictate time schedules, work environments, and even how our home is designed to accommodate those needs. With that said, fitting in our space, your niche is more than just a type of work, home life, and social and environmental connections – it’s life. Our life. This deserves serious consideration for all HSPs. Finding your unique niche – vocation as a driver I’ve read many articles about the best career fits for HSPs. These articles account for our general characteristics as a group and describe our needs to help others and to find quiet workspaces. These places encourage our creativity, strong spiritual natures, and work ethic. Some professions include helping professions (teachers, doctors, nurses, therapists, caregivers, etc.), creative professions, academic careers, spiritual or religious leaders, and work environments that foster individual contributors, like I.T. By drilling down even further for HSPs in search of set and setting, it is possible to combine several of these fields mentioned above, plus adding individual personality characteristics to customize the choices fully. But unfortunately, we still live in a largely conformist society, and this type of personal exploration is not often encouraged. And the idea, at the end of the day, it’s still about pursuing monetary rewards over intrinsic rewards, leaving meaning and purpose to get kicked to the curb. Nevertheless, HSPs and the emerging HSP culture need to look toward several key factors in finding happiness in the professions. First, consider environmental conditions, which I believe are some of the most important factors for HSP career decisioning. This includes hard items, like office space and layout, sensory stimulation of the environment, and soft elements, such as co-workers, bosses, and how the staff is treated. The meaningfulness of what you do is highly subjective; however, it should have major consideration in your decision. I don’t imply to speak for all HSPs, but work can be stressful and soul deadening for highly sensitive folks without meaning and purpose. Your work reflects you, what you need, and what you do. Be selective and pick the best place for you. When all else fails, be your own boss. In the last thirty to forty years, the idea of becoming an entrepreneur or business owner has gained considerable traction. It’s not just about the freedom or about creating and nurturing a successful business, but about using your talents, building an impactful organization, and making a difference in people’s lives, including yours. The best thing about taking this strategy is that it gives you considerable control over how things are run. For some folks, running a company and having the responsibility for staff and plant is not their cup of tea. For these people, solopreneur might work better. You are the business and the only employee. This fits well for professionals, creative types, and helping professions. You still run the show, but you, in the end, are the only impacted individual. You live and die on your own merits. Whichever course you take, expect headaches, but realize you have more control over your destiny. And because you get ahead of some of the major considerations, the headaches at least will seem less severe. Social niches Another area to search for, seek out and participate in is your social niche. I strongly encourage all HSPs to find an HSP tribe to belong to. The support and understanding that comes with being in a group that already gets you (quirks and all) are healing and therapeutic. To be with folks who understand your struggles, aspirations, and ambitions is validating and encouraging. But don’t limit yourself to just HSP groups; branch out to find others with a common interest, hobby, goal, or desire and connect and share. Finding the right partner can be especially hard for HSPs. You are unique in your love, affection, and connection needs. You will need to be patient in finding that special partner that understands you, accepts you, and desires to spend time with you. Finding the right person is worth the wait. Finding the wrong person and forcing a fit is a recipe for misery. This is one area we HSPs need to get right. Spend time exploring your needs before going out into the world to find a partner. It will be well worth it. How much socialization do we need to do? It depends. Most HSPs I know don’t necessarily put a premium on constant socializing. However, whether we like it or not, we need to socialize to some extent, whether for work, education, or familial needs. Finding the right venues and people to associate with that make us feel appreciated and wanted is a good place to start. You, as an individual, can customize your social interactions to fit your needs and tastes. Cause or purpose I don’t think we all need to have a grand and deep purpose for being happy in life but having a mission can add meaning and value to your existence. This takes some soul searching, but I believe by looking deep (a thing HSPs do well), we can find our cause. I think it will call out to you if you listen. Use your creativity and imagination to parse through many options and combine and match the best to find your best fit. Finding your place or niche in the world is more than finding the right livelihood. It’s also about acceptance and embracing who you are. You may feel you are a round peg in a square world, but there are round holes in the universe of pegs; you just have to find them. It’s never too late. Don’t give up. Regardless of what stage of life you are in, you can do this. Encore career, purposeful retirement, just starting out, or mid-life crisis, when the opportunity arises, spring on it. HSPs are the most purpose-driven people I know. Likely, you are too. Don’t ignore meaning and purpose for money, status, or to meet others’ expectations. This is your life; recognize your uniqueness, find your path and travel down it. This path will largely dictate your experiences, and those experiences will inform your existence and wisdom. Don’t be afraid to be you. Your life satisfaction may depend on it. Please comment with your thoughts.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
I worked in a corporate environment for most of my career. I lasted for about 30 years until I finally ran into my professional Waterloo in 2010. It was a merger of two megabanks, the inevitable marriage of two disparate cultures brought about by the 2008 mortgage collapse. I don't know if that inspired the toxic environment of that merger, but the two cultures did not blend well. One a Southern and Eastern banking giant and the other a Midwestern and Western bank – a merger of equals on paper. The toxicity began early and lasted for me until I could not take it anymore. It was a cutthroat and uncivil merger with a backstabbing and dog-eating dog mentality and absolutely toxic for this HSP. I knew then that I was done. My health suffered under the weight of persistent stress, unrealistic deadlines, and ambiguous goals. I knew I had to get away, and I had to leave everything I knew, the comfort of the familiar, a steady paycheck, and old colleagues I had worked with for years. It was the smartest thing I've done in my life. And, perhaps, the bravest. Toxic environments, which often produce staff's toxic productivity expectations, are more common than ever today. Work-life balance is touted from mahogany row halls but rarely translates into reality for the workers far below. Squeezing the last hour out of every employee is a norm that is killing us all, but it is kryptonite for HSPs. What is toxic productivity? Toxic productivity, by definition, is an obsessive need always to be productive, regardless of the cost to personal health, relationships, and life. It is a bias toward "doing" instead of being, appearing to be busy, thus extolling the virtues of productivity. Toxic productivity has been around for a long time but is reflective of the workaholism of 2022. It is an "always on" mentality that values every hour of every day as an opportunity to produce. There is no room for downtime, no time for self or self-reflection, and no time for rest. A toxic corporate energy mindset focuses on consuming production to facilitate profit. It is symptomatic of modern-day Capitalism, exploiting the worker and creating the toxic work environments we see more and more of. And yes, I'm going after Capitalism. Any economic system that is out of balance risks going off the rails, and if not to benefit the many, what benefit does it have for society? Toxic workplaces condone and elicit toxic productivity. The worker must keep at productivity to keep up, sacrificing more of their lives to keep the wheel spinning. What is the cause? It easily profits the corporate owners, but the reason the workers continue to accept this is the long-held and almost sacred Puritan work ethic that was foundational for this country. Although supported by Catholics before the Reformation, this work ethic founded in Protestant Christian theology emphasizes diligence, discipline, and frugality. A premium is placed on not being idle, which of course, is the Devil's workshop according to the old adage. Anyone not pulling their weight is considered a person of low respect. Merging this "all work no play" philosophy with the emergence of Capitalism was a natural marriage. This concession of millions of workers can largely be attributed to guilt and shame for not meeting the expectations of this outdated work ethic. Yet, studies have shown that 80% of work productivity issues are directly related to the environment in which these employees work. Toxic workplaces have many components, including issues around ostracism, narcissism, bullying, incivility, aggressiveness, and harassment. Toxic bosses, long the drivers of toxic productivity, can lead employees to job burnout and contribute to employee mental and physical health issues, depression, anxiety, work overload, and sleeping problems. Toxic workers, who may become emboldened by a toxic work environment, are prone to creating more toxicity amongst their coworkers. Therefore, toxic bosses, often defined by their overconfidence and tendency towards exploitation, can model toxic productivity as an unstated but assumed requirement for success at the company. This toxicity is bad for the employees and directly affects productivity for the company, defeating the purpose of getting more from employees. It has been shown that 8% of workers' health-related costs can be attributed to bad management. Talk about screwing your cha-cha here. Yet, somehow, this must be overlooked in M.B.A. programs. What's a toxic work environment look like for HSPs? If these environments are toxic for the masses, then HSPs will likely never thrive here. Anything with a prerequisite of toxic productivity will suck the life out of most HSPs. I'm not saying we are not stoic or willing to take one for the team, but really, we should be very wary of a work environment that has any of the following characteristics:
One work-life coach advises that we exercise a sense of professional detachment to work. Too much work and too little life are not good. This means learning to say no. In today's work climate, more and more people are letting their feet do the talking if an environment no longer meets their expectations. This concept of work as an extension of who we are instead of the dreaded state of being a "job" seems to align with what younger workers demand. I hope that employers are taking notice. Workers are now more mobile and selective. If the work environment feels toxic for you, it probably is, and you should take notice. Not fitting in is a feeling many HSPs experience. The point is – to find the right fit for you. Work can be a source of great achievement and feelings of accomplishment. Meaningful and purposeful work can bring you great satisfaction and joy. Truly, there are many elements to the right work, but only you are the one that will know for sure if it is the right fit for you. There is no shame in continually striving and looking for that fit. Remember the orchid metaphor that you will not thrive and grow in the wrong environment. You are the orchid. If you can't find the right fit, consider creating your perfect environment. More and more HSPs are becoming solo entrepreneurs, whether baking bread, coaching fellow HSPs, becoming counselors or therapists, or finding some extremely creative and novel way of bringing a business to life. When you are in charge, the environment you create will be good for you, and likely, others you hire will see it as a dream job to work with you and the harmonious environment you create. This is very important to all HSPs. The environment is everything to us. Work consumes much of everyone's day, and why shouldn't you have a great work environment that will aid in your thriving and growing? We must treat this as a priority in our lives. Take stock of yourself and craft the world in which you can live your best life with your abundant creative energy. Toxic productivity, workplaces, and bosses are things you don't have to tolerate. Please comment with your thoughts.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Where is the seat of intuition and emotion? The body/mind has a mechanism to provide communication between the major visceral organ systems and the brain to give an internal sensory feedback loop. This process is called interoception. We are all familiar with environmental feedback via our sensory organs, where we interface with the external world. This is called enteroception. As HSPs, we process a good bit of this data, perhaps, more so than most people do. We also receive internally facing data from our body that provides an enormous amount of information about our internal health. Much of this information occurs below conscious awareness and provides the basis of emotion and intuition. Our ability to acknowledge this information is key to our overall health and wellbeing. What is Interoception? Interoception is all the signals from our internal organs that provide status information to the brain. It is a constant stream of information traveling mostly below our conscious awareness that provides feedback information to the right anterior insula of the brain, which also aids in the awareness of body states. This information stream is the seat of all emotion. These somatic markers occur before you are even aware of the emotion, and via interoception, help shape the feelings and subsequent behaviors that follow. Interoception supports our ‘gut’ feelings which is the main contributor of what we call intuition. These bodily signals flashing at neural speed help us provide quick feedback, particularly when reaction speed is necessary. The interoceptive systems are instrumental in helping form the sense of self and contribute to the personality formation of an individual. Is Interoception on a Spectrum? Not all people test at the same levels of body awareness. Some may be impeded by brain damage or even trauma. This is correlated with their ability to recognize and regulate their emotions. In depressed individuals, their lack of interoceptive perception contributes to their feelings of emotional numbness. In addition, the use of some drugs, medical and recreational, provides a mask to body awareness and can block some interoceptive signals. The ability to translate these impulses from the body into conscious awareness and be mindful of them is different across individuals. This ability can be measured, and there are distinctions, such as High Interoceptive Sensitivity (IS), which would lead us to believe that, much like environmental sensitivity, there is a range of IS natively that falls along a spectrum. Nevertheless, IS can be a skill that is learned via practice. Usage of techniques such as mindfulness can aid individuals in becoming more aware of the interoceptive signals and control responses such as levels of anxiety. This training would be useful in teaching emotional regulation, especially to individuals prone to high anxiety and depression. Studies show people who are better able to detect these internal bodily signals tend to be more emotional and experience emotions with greater intensity. Therefore, being more aware of these body signals can lead to anxiousness and even depressive episodes in some individuals. Development of Therapies How can one improve the awareness of such signaling to be more aware of our internal body state? There are many techniques to help turn our attention inward. I have spoken about these in other blogs. Principally, the mindfulness techniques that focus our conscious awareness on our emotions and feelings. By turning inward to experience the emotion/feeling, we can begin to refocus our attention on calming and self-soothing in a helpful and healthful way. Yoga, Tai Chi, meditation, Mindful Awareness in Body-oriented Therapy (MABT) , and brain training are excellent ways to become more aware of our internal systems. Ultimately, this leads to fuller engagement in life as our awareness becomes keener, and instead of letting emotions run us, we learn to regulate our feelings for greater overall health. Types of biofeedback, such as neurofeedback or Heart Math, heart rate variability monitoring, can give immediate feedback to help us learn to control these signals by using our conscious awareness. These therapies help improve our mental health by demonstrating a sense of control of things that we would have thought could not be controlled before training. Interoception and HSPs Since HSPs tend to be more intuitive, expressing more emotional intensity and feeling more empathy, can we consider HSPs higher in interoceptive sensitivity? Additionally, HSPs tend to be more anxious and depressed; both positively correlate with higher IS. It would seem that HSPs would be prime candidates, based on our temperamental makeup, to be likely higher in interoceptive sensitivity. Having all of those internal signals firing and our unique awareness of these bodily sensations would easily contribute to overload. Perhaps, this is one of the main reasons we experience such strong emotions and are prone to overwhelm. Learning to become aware of these signals and how to control a relaxation response would certainly help HSPs in their emotional regulation. Whether used in therapy or just incorporated into a daily practice of identifying then relaxing or releasing, these techniques could help aid in heading off overwhelm. This skillset could be another valuable tool in the HSP toolbelt. Again, this highlights the vital link between mind and body and the importance of awareness in controlling runaway emotions often unconsciously triggered by bodily functions. To be sure, more research is needed, but HSPs would be excellent test subjects. Please comment with your thoughts.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
I have been attracted lately to the Chinese philosophy of Taoism. Attributed to Lao Tzu, the Tao Te Jing, or the book of The Way, is a wise book that instructs its readers on how to live life in harmony and balance. It is a small book filled with paradoxes, carefully crafted wisdom, and cryptic metaphors. Still, the passages make sense at a very deep and spiritual level with careful consideration and thought. As an HSP, the teachings resonate with me, and I have been applying some of the key elements into my life. It is indeed a practice. Like Buddhism, Taoism is a philosophy of life more than a religion without deity or dogma. The Tao represents all that is, yet it is not a thing, more like a pervasive, all-encompassing energy, incomprehensible and mystical. Yet, Lao Tzu encourages us to keep an open mind, allow the Tao to flow through us, and let go of egoistic control. I believe there is value for highly sensitive people to connect to the spiritual side of life. I have noted below ten basic tenets of Taoism from the Tao Te Jing, which with practice can become a part of a philosophy to live by. There is no need to abandon your current religious or spiritual practice as the Tao is versatile either as a philosophy or a spiritual practice. I have borrowed much from an online post by Kyle Kowalski at Sloww.co . Props to him for compiling this list. Here are the ten principles from Taoism to bring to your life.
Understanding the source of all that is, is an overwhelming feat. Life too often overwhelms us with its myriad challenges and obstacles. Learning to be connected with the Tao is a life lesson that enables one to “just be.” In a world of doers, letting go to “just be” is a remarkable acknowledgment that you don’t have all the answers on your own. The wisdom you seek is within the Tao.
The Taoist philosophy can be practiced without relinquishing your existing spiritual beliefs. On the surface, the writings appear to be obtuse and paradoxical, mysterious, and yet accessible for those who allow the flow to occur. For HSPs, self-reflection, solitude, peace and harmony, and the idea of “being” not “doing” seem natural for our personalities. The key to following the Tao is not to overthink the readings, let go of control, and learn to be in the flow. Like flow, it’s hard to describe, but once started on that path, it becomes easier and easier to grasp. In my view, it’s a perfect practice for our highly sensing, thoughtful, and spiritual natures. Please comment with your thoughts. The Sensitive Man – Crossing the Point of No Return- Violence in America, How HSPs Can Help12/5/2021  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
January 6, 2021, was a landmark day in American history. For the first time since 1812, the Capitol of the United States was stormed by violent protestors, armed to the teeth, and determined to plunder, stop the business of Congress, and even kill lawmakers. As the insurrection investigation continues, it is sure to reveal that this was not a moment of random insanity but rather a well-planned and orchestrated coup attempt by right-wing militia to overthrow the government. The striking thing about this was not the stated intent of this group of malcontents, but the degree that they would execute their cause using aggressive and violent means, including the murder of congresspersons and the Vice President of the United States. That common citizens would use violence to further a cause punctuates how desperate Americans seem to want affect change. Every day across the country, random acts of violence manifest in shopping malls, grocery stores, parking lots, schools and our highways. To look at this objectively and non-politically requires one to take the acts as a whole, a sociological phenomenon that continues to peak fueled by social media, irresponsible political pundits, and the media's obsession with broadcasting this as if it were a sporting event. The question begs to be asked, have we lost our ability or capacity to be appalled at the human abuse taking place all around us? Have we lost the ability to suppress our violent rages and appeal to our greater selves? Or is something else at play here? Hostilities and anger Where is this rage coming from? Given we are a divided and polarized society – politically, socio-economically, and ethnically. Do these divisions cause the anger that we see tearing our society apart? This hostility feels like something new, rage to violence amongst normal everyday citizens. Often with no remorse and with intent to do physical harm. Like raging a four-year-old with no emotional regulation, the anger and violence is now condoned as vigilantism, the right to carry military-grade weapons on the street, and the willingness to breach societal norms about restrictions on violence and retaliation. This is now turned epidemic in nature and is something we all should be very concerned about. When you hear calls from people on the left to take arms, you know the violence is going too far. Inhibition to violence When humans go beyond the normal restraints on violence to others, the descent into chaos and anarchy is close behind. We have moved beyond self-defense and protection to aggressive violence attacking the "other" intent on solely harming. It seems purgative, and the release of rage is hair-trigger and unpredictable. Although overall crime numbers are coming down over the last decade, the incidence of violent hate crimes is going up dramatically. These crimes fall along the lines of race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, and religion. Political leaders and authorities within the society remain either neutral, passive, or worse, outright encouraging, sometimes egging on the masses. With this approval, the disinhibition continues towards a violent means to an end that is not clear. This all is an offshoot of unbridled anger and appeals to lesser emotions. It's as if society has become intoxicated with self-righteous indignation that manifests in violent acts. What's wrong with our amygdala's? The human amygdala is responsible for controlling our brains' flight or fight response. To some extent, its interaction with other brain areas to activate specific responses seems to be stuck in the on position for determining aggressive fight response as of late. An overactive amygdala rewired by trauma can often lead to behaviors associated with psychological disorders. The amygdala reacting to visual and sound inputs can overact to potential threats, creating a gut, knee-jerk response that can lead to violence. And yes, it can get stuck. Have we reached a point of no return? Not to be dire, but HAVE we reached a point of no return? What is causing this triggering mechanism to fire, continually sending out waves of an overreaction? Is it just political rhetoric, social media, or reaching a point of no return? Is there any way to get this under control without a violent revolution? As a culture and as a species, we are at a pivot point. The world is too small; it moves too fast to ignore this. We can tear ourselves apart or start patching up the human body politic and start the healing necessary to allow us to continue and one day to thrive again. This is no small matter, and the task is great. Highly sensitive people can be those great healers the world needs. How can we help? How HSPs can help Many things can be done, all things that HSPs excel at. But, if HSPs are the cautionary and wise ones that nature has provided humanity to sense and suss out the problems, what exactly can we do to help this situation? Here are some suggestions.
Conclusion HSPs are naturally suited to being peace givers. We are driven towards harmony and balance. This natural energy can be channeled and needs to be taught to our more violence-prone brothers and sisters. We need to teach today's children how to cope with feelings of anger and frustration, with techniques that have helped us deal with the same problems. We need to bring the pipe of peace, be the bearers of the light and understanding. We also need to understand that this is a long-term fix and will not happen overnight. Some of us will have to step out into the fray to break the cycle—no riding the fences on this one. Join peaceful protests, and don't let the anger tempt you to violence. Protect yourself, but always believe there is a peaceful solution first. Please share your thoughts in the comment section.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Whatever you think about your body weight, one thing is clear, almost everyone at some time can say they feel they need to lose weight. I have a medium-boned frame, and I was packing about twenty pounds of extra weight earlier this year. That made getting into clothes problematic and looked bad on me. I have been thin most of my life, but as I aged, I gained weight via the usual suspects: too much food, too much drink, and too little exercise. Of course, being a desk jockey didn't help either. I had lost weight before and remembered what a chore it was. I wasn't looking forward to the process but was eyeing the results in my imagination. This motivated me to pull out the ol' weight loss routine and begin to reshape my body. During the several-month process, I learned a few things about myself and my relationship with food and my body. Here are five things I discovered. #1 – I felt my body again. Now I don't know the scientific mechanism here, but as I began to lose weight, I began to "feel" my body again. As the fat burned off, the underlying muscle began to stick out, and as I moved either in exercise or just in simple movements, I felt like I was aware of my body again. Perhaps, adding layers of fat prevents us from feeling the muscles tighten and contract, but I distinctly remember this feeling from the last time I lost weight. It was a pretty good feeling; clothes fit better, I looked better in the mirror, which was surprisingly effective in motivating me to continue the diet. My best barometer for weight loss was not the scales but rather the way my clothes fit. Feeling the extra room in my pants was an immediate reinforcer. This put me back in touch with the sensory elements of my body in a positive way. The many nerve endings, constantly passing feedback to my brain, kept me ever mindful as the weight slowly but steadily melted away. It helped anchor me again in the physical and reminded me I am also made of flesh and blood. #2 – I became mindful of the food I ate. One of the things I would remind my former hypnosis clients when they requested weight loss hypnosis was that they still needed to be mindful of the food they ate. It is important to remember to think about eating food and what our motivation is for eating. So often, we eat without thinking, habitually binging food, mindlessly eating, not thinking of the calories or quantity of the food we consume. All too often, it is a mindless exercise in self-medication to eat without awareness. Before you know it, you have consumed calories that your body doesn't need. To keep me on track, I used Livestrong's My Plate app to help track my daily caloric intake to ensure I ate my caloric goals for the day. Tracking the food forces, you to be mindful. Like any habit, it takes time and repetition to form the practice of mindfulness. However, it helped me mind the calories as well as the nutrition. The act of keying in the food for the day, although initially a pain, proved to slow me down enough to think before and after food intake. As the weight came off, which is an inherent payoff, the tedious task of tracking food began to have a purpose. I knew that if I hit my daily goals, I would lose pounds by the end of the week. It worked. Most importantly, it kept me mindful of not overeating. I began to feel satiated more easily, my mind rewarded me with a dopamine hit when I stayed in bounds, and my body rewarded me with fat-burning weight loss. I began to appreciate food in a new light. It wasn't about quantity, but rather the quality, and I felt the difference. #3 – What I learned from the hunger. In the beginning, I felt hunger pangs. For me, that always served as a cue to grab something to eat, to quell the growling - fill-up the grumbling gut and refocus on my tasks. But with weight loss, we have to look at this process differently. I heard a lot about intermittent fasting, where you only eat during certain hours and then fast the remainder. So I thought I'd give it a try. Part of my regimen was to stop eating at 8 pm and not eat again until around noon. This initially caused hunger, especially in late morning, but I pressed on and was able to go 14-16 hours without eating within a short time. During the last few hours of the fast, I began to appreciate the hunger for food. I realized that hunger was not always a bad thing. I could feel my stomach (the internals), and it felt good to be hungry and be in charge. I knew that being hungry was not necessarily a nutritional deficit; rather, my stomach was now not bloated with food. I felt lighter, more aware of the spiritual aspects of the physical. It began to be a cue not for running to the kitchen but rather to sit in my hunger and feel the emptiness of my stomach. It helped me turn inward. Often, I would drink more water and, after a glass, would feel less hungry. Feeling the water travel down your gullet to your stomach is quite an experience. We seldom realize the difference between our appetites and our need for nourishment. Living in a country where food is plentiful makes it easy to lose sight of what true hunger is and how we take for granted the ease with which we can procure food. Hunger by appetite is a never-ending satiety game, while hunger by nourishment needs is a completely different and conscious endeavor. #4 – I found a new relationship with food and understood why I ate so much before. I ate a lot to quell disappointments or feelings of depression. A cookie or a sweet would momentarily trigger-happy emotions and seem like the antidote for feeling alone or sad. I did this way too often but was unaware of the Stimulus > Trigger > Response mechanism occurring unconsciously. It was a roller coaster. After the treat, the inevitable sugar high, then crash, which would set off another round in the chain. As I started losing weight, I noticed I avoided sugary foods. If you avoid sugar-laced food for a while, you begin to recognize how overly sweet our confections are. I also saw the mood swings planed off, and I felt a more level stream of emotion. I took food out of the happiness equation and saw that food was no longer a drug or product to self-soothe. Reframing food to mean nutritional needs helped elevate my mood naturally. I still enjoy the taste of food, exploring savory spices, or some light sweet flavors now and again. As my father used to say, "everything in moderation." I began to enjoy meals and healthy snacks and enjoyed the taste of food, savoring flavors I would often overlook before. I slowed down my eating, enjoying each bite, not rushing to inhale the food to get back to other distractions. #5 – I proved I could reach my goals. Lastly, I proved to myself that I could reach my goals. Other goals not involved with my body are relatively easy for me; things I can accomplish quickly are not so difficult. Yet goals that require patience, persistence, and the slow churn of day-to-day compliance are more challenging. Weight does not fall off quickly but comes off at a snail's pace. But persistence, coupled with daily rewards (nonfood), kept me at it until I reached my goal and even surpassed it. For an HSP, the rewards, physical, mental, psychological, and egotistical, are quite enjoyable. I was truly proud of myself for reaching my goal. Conclusion For some, weight loss is a dreaded chore. For others, it is a life and death matter. The battle with food and excess weight is largely a mental one that presents in physical form. Much of weight loss is not about the food but the emotional rewards of feeding oneself and the external and internal sensory stimulation. This is taken to the extreme when food is plentiful and easily had. The reminders of cookies at grandma's, ice cream for chores, better times, or a distraction to life become a feign attempt at self-love. It is hard to relinquish all those emotions we tie to food. Like Pavlov's dog, we salivate at the thought of food. Before you attempt to lose weight, work on the mental part as a prelude to a diet. Find ways to reward yourself with nonfood items. Enlist support with your medical providers, your family, and friends. At first, it may seem impossible, but if you focus on the journey day by day, let the goal take care of itself, you will find a feeling of peace in the mindfulness you learn about food, yourself, and your relationship with pleasure. It can be done. Trust the process, trust yourself and be healthy. Please share your thoughts in the comment section.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Others may see downtime for HSPs as Idleness, laziness, or inactivity for no purpose. But is that true? Do we HSPs often fight our need for rest because of cultural norms? Can we model purposeful rest and rejuvenation for health for others? We are slaves to a culture of doing. Our Puritan work ethic praises the incessant devotion to work activity and "always-on" engagement to fight the devil's idleness workshop. We have been bombarded throughout history with the virtue of combating sloth. From literature to religious admonishment to capitalist concepts of self-worth via work accomplishment, we are chided never to rest, always striving to be productive. Dante's Divine Comedy slams lazy and idle people and places them on the fourth level of purgatory. Even one of my childhood favorites, Daniel Defoe's Robinson Crusoe, sets a man in an island paradise only to find him endlessly toiling away to improve his situation. Human beings are not designed to be working 24/7 365. Our natural rhythms require that we rest and process both physical and mental inputs. Our need for sleep and rest is baked into our physical makeup. Downtime gives our brains the respite it needs to replenish our attention. The reflective time is used to rejuvenate our identity, fire up the DMN (default mode network), and spawn life-altering epiphanies from unconscious mental downtime. Having worked for years in Information Technology, I learned that the expectation from management was that we mimic the incessant work virtue of the machines we managed. This unrealistic expectation has been birthed from the attention economy that demands our focus always and is in its own way a revival of the ancient and archaic notions of God's punishment for original sin. The health consequences of lack of rest are high stress, inadequate sleep, and full-on engagement has begotten a myriad of illness and disease. We are killing ourselves over this capitalist-driven obsession with doing. Be active, be productive, be valuable. We forget that most religions of the world have origins in the ancient knowledge of being vs. doing. It is the modern world that has driven us astray. Idleness and HSPs So how does this affect HSPs? We have the same programming that all humans have for rest and relaxation with one key distinction. We can't ignore our internal clocks for rest. We are compelled inherently and by environmental factors to take downtime to function properly. Or we suffer immediate critical overwhelm and overstimulation. Our brains are wired differently. Some of the areas within our brains used to modulate or moderate overstimulation have weaker connections. This could be one of the main reasons we suffer from overwhelm. And, our need for rest is not a bad thing. Research suggests that engaging in pleasurable activities not related to goals leads to more happiness in life. Idleness, as it has been referred to, is actually a virtue for HSPs. We have no choice. Overworking, overstimulation, or overwhelm, however, you phrase it, shuts us down. Many may see this as a weakness, but we are like the canary in the coal mine. A toxic environment full of overwork, stress, and lack of rest, will eventually fail for all humans. Therefore, I believe that HSPs can provide a working model for everyone on handling, dealing, and defeating overwork. Moments of quiet reflection and contemplation have been lauded by the ancients and indigenous peoples around the world. However, the modern world looks down on reflective rest as not contributing to the bottom line and not delivering on productivity. Oddly, sleep studies of indigenous people show that their sleep patterns are more in sync with their modern counterparts and not dusk to dawn, we assume. Yet, sleep is not the same as rest. Rest can occur without sleep, and this, I believe, is the missing element in our modern world. Without proper rest, HSPs shut down. Nature has designed HSPs as models for humanity on what enough work/stress looks like in the extreme. Granted, our highly sensing natures may make us seem unable to cope with modern stress, but when you are designed to be the warning system, it is better to blow the whistle earlier than later when it becomes too late to repair. Ways to execute on Idleness
While we are at it, is it time to redefine what work is? The employer, not the employee, has always defined labor. We need to get back to the idea of letting this be a cooperative process a return to the labor movement. This strategy does not have to be combative. There should be shared goals reached by incorporating each side's stated goals with the company's overarching goal. Larger than that, we need to define this at a global level, a societal level. What boundaries exist or need to be determined between work and rest, stress and relaxation, stimulation and overwhelm. Let's reframe rest/idleness to equate with how we feel about nourishment, recreation, vacation, and balance these with the right livelihood, productivity, and work/life balance. Conclusion The health consequences of not resting are monumental. Ancient cultures did not fall apart if time was taken for feasts, rests, and relaxation. Look at the animal kingdom; aside from short life-spanned creatures that must struggle from birth to death, higher-order animals find time to rest and digest and, as humans, have the luxury of relaxing and reflecting. Our larger, more active brains need the rest. Since we know from research that our brains are never off, we must allow ourselves to rest from stress and from constant conscious engagement "doing" stressful activities. The virtue of Idleness is life, peace, and, when correctly done, happiness. We wrongly equate "always on" culture to moving society forward. But what kind of a world does it produce? Advanced, yet toxic? Is that what we want? I know HSPs don't want that. Why? Because we are the canaries. Please share your thoughts in the comment section.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male There has been a lot written about raising HSP children. Because they are more sensitive to criticism, the environment, and boundaries, what overarching principle should be in place to raise them? Under the right circumstances and environment, HSP children can thrive. In fact, under the right conditions, they outperform their peers in school, have lofty moral attitudes, have greater social competency, better self-regulation, and greater confidence and security. In my years of having my own business, BrainPilots, a neurofeedback and hypnosis coaching practice, the use of a particular type of neurofeedback system provides an interesting adjunct model to use on HSP children. It is a push/pull methodology. The tool, Neuroptimal™, uses EEG sensors to monitor the brainwaves of the individual's training, then pushes back feedback when the optimal learning opportunity occurs. Then it repeats and allows the client's brain to capture the anomaly in the brain and make its own correction. The assumption is that the individual's brain will autocorrect for the highest function in its own time and method. No guessing when to push instructions; just watch and feedback. It's an automated loop, and it works. Would this make a good method for raising HSP children? Let's see. Best practices for raising highly sensitive children. With the consequences so high in raising SPS children, what are some of the suggested best practices for raising HSP kids? First, we must acknowledge that raising a highly sensitive child is often challenging and can energetically be draining for the parent. This is a two-parent/partner project. Dr. Ted Zeff, In his book on raising highly sensitive boys (and this equally applies to HSP girls) that it important for men to be involved in raising HSP boys. Considering today, we have more same-sex couples, involving a trusted family member or friend of the opposite sex would be helpful for the HSP child to spell the primary parents if needed. It is important to not put the HSP child into situations where they can be humiliated or extremely uncomfortable, yet gently challenge them to learn by experience. Gentle discipline is very important in raising HSP children. Unfortunately, HSP children often internalize harsh criticism, and much can be achieved by explaining the discipline and toning down the emotion while disciplining an HSP child. Being aware of the environmentals for HSP children is key to understanding perplexing reactions from them. Loud, noisy, crowds, or environments where sensory overload is pronounced can affect the HSP child's behavior. Always remember that HSPs need alone time to recharge, revitalize and regroup. HSPs are perhaps the most environmentally sensitive of all humans. The proper setting is important for raising an HSP child. Just remember, HSP children are not all the same. Some are easier than others to raise, primarily because of the wide blending of personality traits that are shared with the HSP personality. Treat each child as an individual and learn who and what they are – more on that shortly. Perhaps the most important goal of raising a child is to develop a strong, confident self-image that will allow them to be who they are and enable them to live an authentic life, regardless of the challenges or obstacles. For HSPs, this can be a slippery slope. It all begins with acceptance. Help them to embrace the trait, however difficult that may be at times. By providing routines, calming respites from overload, emotional validation, guided self-exploration, and a celebration of their uniqueness, you will be providing a sound foundation for growth into adulthood. Studies have shown over and over that HSPs raised in a validating environment produce exceptional individuals. The converse environment has an especially egregious impact on emotional and behavioral development. Again, the environment is everything to HSPs. My model based on neurofeedback To add another layer to the above-mentioned HSP child-rearing methods outlined, I would like to add another suggestion for raising HSP children. This idea is based on my experiences working with clients in a neurofeedback or brain training environment. The model is based on how the neurofeedback loop works with Neuroptimal™ brain training. It is essentially a push/pull method, where the child tells the parent by their behavior and examples of what they are naturally drawn to, what to encourage in the child's development. This is the beginning of the feedback loop from the child to the parent. The parent must remain objective about the feedback, understanding that the child's developing personality sets foundational interests that should be encouraged. The child will also feedback the limits in which they can tolerate exposure to the new interests and reactions to the challenges. The parent then listens, observes the child, and provides guidance and necessary boundaries to provide a sense of safety and security. That is the push part of the model. The push is the continuation of the feedback loop. The child, receiving the feedback, recalibrates and adjusts, and provides more observational feedback to the parents. This is the pull part of the loop. The parents again listen, incorporates the aggregate feedback, and sends back guidance and boundaries. It is a continual dialogue between the child and the parent. The parent does not dictate to the child preset expectations but guides as the child explore their environment and the world. As with the aforementioned neurofeedback, the loop from parent to child is about awakening the child to the moment for best learning. The child, especially the HSP child, is not alone in navigating the world but is purposefully guided by an aware and present parent. This is a simple feedback loop but requires the following:
What does this mean to parents of HSP children? It means that as parents, we must acknowledge that we are dealing with a special child who has a keen sense and awareness of their environment and themselves. The methods employed in raising an HSP child will have lifelong consequences, perhaps, even beyond that of a less sensitive child. It behooves parents of HSP children that they allow the child to tell the parent who they are and to listen. But this requires diligence and guidance from the parent. You are still the parent, and the child will look to you for help in forming their ego/personality. Authenticity is very important to HSPs. Allowing the child to guide you as the parent in helping them find and become their authentic self is paramount in raising a happy, well-adjusted confident adult. Here's some good reading for Parents of HSP Children. Elaine Aron's book on raising highly sensitive children. https://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Child-Children-Overwhelms-ebook/dp/B000FC1IJ0/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=hsp+children&qid=1630078377&sr=8-3 Dr. Aron's book on being an HSP parent. https://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Parent-Brilliant-Overwhelms-ebook/dp/B07RB2ZQ5K/ref=sr_1_4?dchild=1&keywords=hsp+children&qid=1630078436&sr=8-4 Ted Zeff's classic on raising HSP boys. https://www.amazon.com/Strong-Sensitive-Boy-Ted-Zeff-ebook/dp/B004P5NVHA/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=ted+zeff&qid=1630078509&sr=8-1 Website for Parenting the Highly Sensitive Child. https://www.thehighlysensitivechild.com/ Please share your thoughts in the comment section. |
AuthorBill Allen currently lives in Lutz, Florida. He previously lived in Bend, Oregon. He is a certified hypnotist and brain training coach at BrainPilots.com. He believes that male sensitivity is not so rare, but it can be confounding for most males living in a culture of masculine insensitivity which teaches boys and men to disconnect from their feelings and emotions. His intent is to use this blog to chronicle his personal journey and share with others. 
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