A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
 
Do you remember the last time you were in an argument? How did it go? How did you feel after the argument/disagreement ended? Did you feel heard? Did you get overly emotional or discombobulated? Were you able to defend your position or at least feel you made your point? Or did you feel like your arguing skills were lacking?

Probably about a day later, you had thoughts about how you could have taken a position that would have gotten your point across. Perhaps, you thought too late about a clever retort that might have helped you save face in the argument. You may have been bullied into a concession that you didn't want to make. That doesn't feel good.

I have often wondered if it was only me or are other HSPs lousy at verbal encounters, especially the ones that get heated. It's like our brains get scrambled with emotion, conflicting signals, and as I said in an earlier post, it went right to fight or flight mode, without any thought, logic, or reason.

How do we as HSPs get better at verbal confrontation? Not so much to conquer our opponents but rather to be heard, make salient points, stay genuine and authentic and not turn into emotional cannons, sometimes firing blanks.

Can we train our HSP brains to be better at persuasive and unemotional arguments and not get so damn frazzled? I think the answer is yes.  It takes some practice, some knowledge, and the willingness to slow down thoughts in our brains. Let's look at a few ways we can learn to master the art of verbal self-defense and construct better arguments in our discussions with others.

Suzette Haden Elgin and The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense
In the 80s, Suzette Haden Elgin wrote a book about verbal self-defense and how to defend against verbal attacks. The book was called The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense. Before the term Highly Sensitive Person was coined, Elgin wrote this book for those of us HSPs and others who found themselves often lacking in verbal self-defense skills.  A more perfect book could not have been written for many HSPs' troubles in dealing with verbal assaults. The book's premise was to teach others how to defend against eight common types of verbal violence and defuse and deflect potential verbal confrontations.

Elgin was a linguist, author, and professor at the University of California at San Diego and understood the significance of language, body language, and tone in verbal confrontations.

What does a gentle verbal self-defense strategy look like?
Understanding how our brain functions under the stress of heated arguments is necessary for comprehending why the sometimes hyped-up emotional brain of HSPs works under fire. When we get into confrontational situations, our brains activate the amygdala, which kicks in the fight or flight response. This mode instinctively bypasses the thinking brain. The brain then pumps epinephrine and norepinephrine, hormones that will ignite that feeling of rushing emotion. The heart kicks in, preparing to run or fight, which causes blood pressure to rise, and stress starts to peak.

Your breathing quickens, your voice changes pitch, and muscles tighten. At this point, many HSPs begin to panic. The brain is overwhelmed with stressful signals, and logical thoughts scramble. Keeping up with the verbal assault seems impossible as we absorb slight after slight, not quite sure how to respond. We often freeze in an unstoppable visceral reaction.

How do we get past this or, better yet, prevent it? How can we set personal boundaries for ourselves and watch for the communication triggers that set off this panicked response?

First, we must understand what the triggers are for us. Is it a subtle backhanded comment, backstabbing, or is it more direct, such as yelling, belittling, or abject name-calling? Are you threatened when the attack is too physical, such as violating your space or aggressive posturing? All of these can lead to the triggers that set off the panic response.

To move forward with a defense, one must understand how to identify those individuals or situations that incite these hurtful or threatening feelings. Next, we must train ourselves in how to respond to these triggering situations and stay calm. Finally, we must be prepared, even in advance, for knowing what to say in response to threats. These actions will keep us calm and in control. That is the key to controlling panic.

Elgin concludes that avoiding hostile verbal exchanges is a matter of both physical and mental health. We all often react without listening to what the other is saying; this causes a mental leap to conclusions, which only escalates the emotion. When nobody's listening, nobody is getting heard.

Our natural inclination is to attack back, plead or debate the attack – none of which effectively work under panic mode. We only give the attacker more fuel by employing these strategies. Giving them attention by continued heated engagement is not going to deescalate the situation.

The four basic rules she posits are 1) know that you are under attack (you'll know this best by how you feel), 2) know what kind of attack you are facing, 3) know how to make your defense fit the attack and finally, 4) know how to follow through.

Strategies include avoiding the situation or person that likely baits you into a confrontation. Once engaged, you can withdraw or ignore the attacker. You can deflect the attacker by changing topics or offer a compromise. Elgin offers several psychological devices, including matching sensory modes with the attacker. People often use sensory language to engage with others. If possible, match the attacker's language style, whether visual, auditory, or kinesthetic.  This strategy may not avoid the argument, but it may cause the discussion not to escalate. Watch out for baiting presuppositions in the attacker's statements. Often, they are tied to an outcome that may have no direct relationship to the argument. "If you loved me, you'd take out the trash." The best response is to dismantle the condition, "if you loved me," by stating that you do love the person, letting the condition fall to the wayside.

Some of Elgin's other suggestions have to do with staying calm, watching body language for important emotional clues, ignoring presuppositions and conditions, and focusing on two primary strategies: not feeding the attack with attention and responding to emotion with logic, which she calls Computer mode.

The training comes in when you learn how not to take attacks personally. For HSPs, emotional overreaction is a natural reaction and inflates our empathy mechanisms. Doing exercises to help keep your brain calm allows the brain to avoid jumping directly into flight or fight mode. This keeps your thinking brain in the game. Learning to pause after the initial attack is critical. Let the energy flow over you and through you – be quiet and wait. Listen attentively, then pause.

When you do speak, speak humbly. Make a reciprocal offer after you understand their position. Be selective about the battles you choose and avoid battlegrounds; they have a way of generating fights. If you can get to flow state in the discussion, you will have a greater chance of finding compromise or understanding. By staying calm, you will see things sequentially versus random arrays of disparate thoughts to cloud your thinking—no more scrambled egg arguments. Say less, hear more. Often you can avoid the fray just by being quieter.

Bullies want to fight. By ignoring the invitation, you deprive them of that opportunity and you win. Learn to avoid fights that you can't win; these are often fights with manipulators, narcissists, or strangers who have no emotional investment in you.  Calm your ego. You mustn't or shouldn't take on all comers. Walking away can be a quiet win.

When you do argue, at least do it logically.

Paul Graham and His Hierarchy of Argument
Paul Graham, a computer scientist, and essayist laid out a model for logical arguments that stacks argument styles into a pyramid, from the lowliest emotional name-calling at the base and at the apex a rational refutation of the central point of your attacker. It is an outline of learning to move from meanness to logical, rational debate. The hierarchy is worth noting for those of us who prefer not to live in the emotional world of ad hominin attacks.

The method requires that you listen to your opponent and discern their central point. Ferret through the emotional crap and get to the core of the argument. Do not attack, name call, or retaliate the tone of the opponent. Instead, respond to the argument's substance, don't counter without proof, do not argue in general terms, but be specific, regardless of their emotional baiting. Stay with the central point. This method requires discipline and focus. You may even frustrate them with your logic and calm (remember Spock and Dr. McCoy in Star Trek).
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It becomes less about winning and more about learning and exchanging ideas. This is a case where less emotion can be better. It's worth considering, especially for us HSPs.
 
Please share your thoughts in the comment section. 

A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
 
You no doubt have heard of the term fight or flight. It is often used to describe the physiological effects of an organism’s response to stress or danger. We often think of this when witnessing an attack from an aggressor or predator animal to an animal designated as prey. I’m thinking of the lion and zebra on some sweltering African savannah.

It is often applied to human reactions to stress as well. More scientifically called the acute stress response, it can be invoked by even the perception of danger, whether real or imagined.  From a physiological standpoint, it involves the discharging of energy from the sympathetic nervous system to prepare for various responses to danger. Much of this reaction is unconsciously bypassing our critical thinking processes.

The reaction to the perceived threat may consider several survival strategies. The actions may take the form of freezing, fleeing, fighting, or internalizing a state of fright, producing a condition known as tonic immobility, fawning, or even fainting. The reactions are often instinctive, genetic, and can also be learned behaviors.

As HSPs, are we more prone to falling into these states more quickly than others? Does our extra cautious nature put us in conflict with life more often and create the crucible for creating one or more of these states? Is there anything we can do to be more assertive or proactive when dealing with perceived threats or dangers? I think the answer is yes, and I’ve even included a fifth reaction that would override the unconscious responses and put us squarely in control of dealing with many of the imagined dangers. For now, I will call it the Flow Mode, in deference to the flow state.  

Defining the reactions to acute stress response
Besides fight or flight reaction, there are several other responses to acute stress that are worth noting. These are both physiological and behavioral reactions. I’ll break them out below.

• Freeze Mode -typically, this response is non-reactive, passive (deer in the headlights), can make the response hypervigilant, and being on guard. It generally is the first response in a sequence that would also involve Flight mode and later Fight mode if necessary.  The idea here is to immobilize, regroup and take more decisive action as the circumstances unfold. It is equivalent to being still for hiding purposes and may be a precursor to submission.
• Flight Mode- is the response to run and withdraw from confrontation, much like the zebra runs from the lion. The body mobilizes the necessary systems to flee and escape the danger, run like hell, and hope for the best. It is an essential survival strategy, especially when confronted with an overpowering or formidable threat. Speed of locomotion matters here, and that could even mean evasive maneuvers.
• Fight Mode- is an aggressive self-defense mechanism and sometimes an emotional retaliation, much like a wounded animal fighting for life and preservation. It is a damn the torpedoes approach that is the action to realize that either the individual fights or dies. The energy expenditure is likely the last constructive action left, perhaps combined with flight if the counterattack surprises the source of impending danger.
• Fright Mode- now, logically, this sounds like this would be the first option, but it is a defensive strategy often employed as a last resort. The idea here is that the individual enters a dissociative state brought about by fright and begins to internalize its impending and imminent demise. It may play dead, create disinterest from the threat, or, in the case of other dangers not as life-threatening for humans, may turn to people pleasing (also, known as fawning) to soothe and lessen the threatening source. It may be a prelude to fainting as the amygdala goes wild with fear, and the individual falls into overload.
• Flow Mode – does not necessarily follow this model, but I thought it should be considered. Flowing the stressor would require a certain degree of brain training, learning, and teaching the mind to allow threats to flow through the individual. It would require a quick determination of the likelihood of immediate life and death circumstances and would, in essence, bypass the sympathetic nervous system for situations that are not life and death. It would call into play the parasympathetic nervous system or the “rest and digest” system to deal with the panic or anxiety and allow the aggressive energy to flow through. Simultaneously, the individual would firmly stand their ground, be centered, and let the reactive emotions discharge. Without training, this will not happen automatically as the other reactions do but can be called into play with conscious triggers.

HSPs and Fight or Flight
Seldom in modern society do we have to confront life and death situations daily. However, our reactions to stressful everyday life events are often converted to acute stress and reacted to by the body as if we still live in forests or plains complete with modern equivalents of predators. For some, and especially for HSPs who have more highly tuned startle reflexes , who are subject to emotional reactivity, we as HSPs may have more reactions attuned to anxiety and aggression.

Because HSPs are more keenly aware of environmental cues, we often can misinterpret our bodily signals to represent significant threats and cut to an emergency reaction akin to panic.  These threats are not usually life-threatening, but the reaction is still strong. The simple hearing of a threatening, angry voice within earshot can elicit a response to danger.  Couple this with conditioning and life experiences, can set off without much conscious effort, a call to fight or flight.
How each individual reacts can be influenced heavily by genetics, experiences, and individual personality. I suspect many HSPs when reacting to threatening situations, might employ the fight mode last, as it is the least confrontational and least taxing to our systems. This response may seem to make us look weak in the eyes of aggressors, but in reality, we are survivors. How we respond is a function of our inherent nature and our drive to survive. It seems nature built this into our brain wiring.

To illustrate the point, an animal study was done on guppies swimming in a tank with an aggressive bass. The guppies were divided into three groups based on personality characteristics of bold, ordinary, and timid. After the study, 40 percent of the timid guppies who swam in the tank with the bass survived. Only 15 percent of the ordinary guppies survived, and yes, none of the bold guppies made it.  Being a timid, cautious guppy has its benefits.

We are not guppies but being cautious does not necessarily mean being passive. Surviving doesn’t necessarily mean we flee from confrontation, though; fighting should only be used in the direst circumstances. Whatever our reaction to fear may be, we have the capacity to overcome what we perceive to be threats but it will take action before we experience the threatening situation.

HSPs should note that we can train our reactions to perceived threats with various brain training methods. Whether you use mindfulness training, meditation, EFT (tapping), self-hypnosis, neurofeedback training, or any other brain training technique, you can teach your mind to react to stress in a more ordered and calming way. Remember, this is not to reengineer your HSP sensibilities but rather to allow you to flow the stressors through your system to allow a mindful and moderate response. It is not emotional suppression but rather emotional regulation.  Use that extraordinary HSP brain to survive. And you will swim with the guppies.
 
 
 ​Please share your thoughts in the comment section. 

A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
 
Have you ever had a recurring, intrusive thought or thoughts invade your thought space? You know, the mostly involuntary thoughts, perhaps, unpleasant, and even a bit scary. Thoughts of death, yours or someone else’s, thoughts of committing some unspeakable act, or maybe even performing some sexual act that goes against your grain?  

A few years back, I wrote a blog about something similar that the French call “l’appell du vide,” or the call of the void. I bent the definition a bit to make a point about taking a leap of faith. However, the strictest definition of l’appel du vide is an intrusive thought to end it all – swerve on the centerline, leap over the edge, pull the trigger, or jump into the void.

These intrusive types of thoughts have other names- negative automatic thoughts, obsessive thoughts, worry, rumination, or yes, intrusive thoughts. I have wondered lately if these thoughts plague other highly sensitive people. Highly sensitive people do seem to tend to worry (future thinking) or ruminate (past thinking) about a lot in their lives.

Does that make us more susceptible to intrusive thoughts? Could these intrusive thoughts be the origin point of our rumination or perpetual worry? Do highly sensitive people see these intrusive thoughts as unfavorable, or merely some quirkiness of our personalities, odd but still adaptive. Some types of rumination are considered a kind of cognitive emotion regulation.

Apart from being some pathology such as Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), it appears that we all experience these little fireflies of intrusiveness, flickering off and on in our brains from time to time.  Intermittent intrusive thoughts are normal and quite common if they remain transient and don’t become obsessive rumination.

What are intrusive thoughts?
Intrusive thoughts are generally involuntary thoughts or flashes with unpleasant overtones, and if repetitive, can be distressing or feel difficult to manage.  For most of us, they are a momentary annoyance and are never acted upon. They can jolt you because the nature of these thoughts is often an imagined act of carelessness, violence, or sexual promiscuity. Imagine the devil on your shoulder, easily swatted off but sometimes persistent and tiresome. Just having these thoughts doesn’t mean that you are weird or have uncontrollable issues. Remember, it is a matter of degree. Everyone gets them, even thoughtful, well-meaning HSPs.

Is there a point when these thoughts should cause you to worry? The moment you become obsessive about the thought, however disturbing, you are likely calling the thought back in a repetitive way, just by becoming preoccupied with it. Consider this,  we sometimes create random, meaningless residue as Dr. Martin Seif and Dr. Sally Winston refer to the detritus that our brain sometimes create as “junk thoughts”  Most of these are just that – junk. The more energy you put into it, the likelier you are creating a neural pathway for that thought. You are making it obsessive, and it will repeat the more you think about it.  You can see where this may be going. 

Sometimes these thoughts are simply a way the brain communicates a sign that there might be something else wrong in your life . The thoughts often bubble up from the unconscious and, like dreams, may be full of symbolism, not to be interpreted literally. Yet, there may be a message there. Then again, it may just be junk. Regardless, don’t obsess about it.

HSPs and Intrusive Thoughts
Are HSPs more likely than non-HSPs to have intrusive thoughts? That is an intriguing question with no definitive answer. The fact that HSPs tend to be deep processors of thoughts and that we are sometimes emotionally reactive, it would seem the ingredients are there for this type of thinking. HSPs can be more anxious, with the antecedent being unconscious anxiety bubbling up into consciousness. HSPs that are more inclined to depression may also have problems with rumination or running thoughts repeatedly as a form of self-punishment or negative self-talk.  

Does that mean all HSPs will have this problem? No, but for HSPs with a history of trauma, OCD or depression may have more trouble with these recursive thoughts simply because we are wired for deep processing. We tend to have a more substantial internal monologue, including inner discourse about ourselves, our lives, and our relationships with the world. This self-talk is not a bad thing in itself, but without testing externally these ideas spawned by our self-talk, we may get looped in erroneous thinking. Bad dialogue can get driven down into the unconscious with repetition and can be served up again as intrusive thoughts.

Do we need to control intrusive thoughts?
Not really. As was stated previously, the less we dwell on these thoughts, the better. They come and go and releasing them as they come into awareness is probably your best strategy.  Recognize that it is nearly impossible to control all your thoughts . It is not just about mindfulness either; if you try to suppress these thoughts or any thought mindfully, you will likely only bring it back. Think about being told not to think about something – what do you wind up thinking about? Yup.

Only become concerned if they turn into an obsession. Likely this is related to some other matter, perhaps the beginning of a problem or the continuance of an ongoing issue, generalized anxiety, depression, or obsessive-compulsive issues that need professional attention.
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Like most HSPs, we tend to keep our internal house (our mind) safe, clean, and habitable. We live there a lot and having something weird pop into our minds unexpectedly can be exasperating. Recognize and see intrusive thought for what it is – a fleeting thought, a mere firefly of the mind. Like a firefly in hand, observe for a moment, release your grip, and let the thought go, flying away into the darkness.
 
Please share your thoughts in the comment section. 

A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
 
Oh, how I wish there were a simple, logical, algorithmic formula to discern who we are most compatible with in matters of love. The little heuristic would be a goldmine proposition if it were reliable, valid, and portable. HSPs especially need assistance because we often are too trusting and too empathetic to be objective in finding the perfect match.

It's hard to get to the core values of a person, know their heart, and trust they are right in a short time, leading to a deeper emotional commitment. Dating site bios are virtually worthless, as most people (and, yes, I've done this too) pad their life story to make them seem better than they are. Let's face it; it's a marketing ploy we all use.

Because HSPs are tenderhearted people and often naïve about love, we are easily duped by potential amours that ultimately don't understand us or use and manipulate us. Although there is now a measure of the Capacity to Love, it is not something you would or should filter through every future date. Yet, the truth is there is no foolproof bullshit detector in love that you can carry like a Geiger counter to detect radioactivity in a potential partner.

However, I have found that by creating my personal red flag questionnaire, I can at least hold the love interest through the light of my internal prism and get some measure of whether we might be compatible companions. This list is not comprehensive but might serve as a starting point in considering someone new. You can add to these or craft them more to your individual experience and liking.

Question #1 – Can the person you are interested in say, "I'm sorry." (Emotional Maturity)
Admitting guilt when making mistakes is a "big" adult thing. It signifies emotional maturity and signals that a person is willing to accept fault to patch up a disagreement. Psychologist Rick Hanson suggests that admitting fault cuts through the ego gesturing, reducing stress and anxiety, allowing moving on to other matters, and showing a commitment to being mindful of the mistake and a willingness to correct it.  This critical gesture is essential in relationships, especially for HSPs.

We HSPs often take the lead in apologizing for our mistakes in arguments or disagreements. It is a gesture of goodwill and a willingness to bring to an end a messy emotional situation. However, if we are in relationships with others less forthright about guilt admission, this could signal problems later on down the road. The idea of being held hostage to a disagreement means to an immature other that you don't love them and may lead to devaluation of you in their eyes.  This situation shapes a conditional love that for HSPs causes us to devalue ourselves. This often leads to gaslighting, shaking confidence in oneself, and doubting the other's love of you.

Emotional maturity is vital here.  What you are looking for is someone who takes responsibility for their actions. They must have the humility to admit when they are wrong, willingness and commitment to find compromise when needed, be supportive emotionally, controlling their impulses, and being trustworthy.

When you find a person who can readily admit they are sorry in a heated disagreement, you have found someone displaying the earmarks for emotional maturity. This is a good indicator that this is someone that holds promise.

Question #2 – Do your political beliefs align? (Self-ideology or Identity Manifestation)
A political question may seem to be a lethal question to ask a potential partner in today's bifurcated and polarized political landscape. But, here are a few points to consider when asking about political views:

• Political views are often reflective of core values.  And in some cases, political views shape core values.
• Political beliefs may show tendencies in personality that you may want to be mindful of, i.e., closed-mindedness, aggression, naïve realism, and a skewed world view.
• It is often hard to reconcile differences in political beliefs in relationships because political views can become hardened beliefs and part of an individuals' self-ideation.
• Political beliefs may reflect deep-seated emotional issues.

Naively, I think HSPs believe that something like political beliefs can be gently shaped and aligned with their own opinions or achieve a compromise with love and understanding. But viewed through a hardened political lens, feelings can be affected. The deeper you go in the relationship, difficulties arise, not just on political matters but also on the emotional reasons these view attachments have.

Political beliefs get to the heart of core values, and for HSPs, core value alignment is a key to relationship success. This simple question almost always runs deep and possesses key indicators about a person's personality and emotional status. It is easier to reach a compromise with an open-minded individual if you hear can each other.  But beware of the close-minded political hack.

Question #3 – Do your spiritual or religious beliefs align? (Deep Self-Identity)
For many people, this may be negotiable, and it mostly depends on how deeply entrenched and affixed you both are to your spiritual/religious beliefs. It may depend on the degree to which each partner is open-minded to the idea that there are no absolutes regarding spirituality.

You can imagine an Evangelical Christian dating a hard-core atheist or an eclectic New Ager dating a scientific materialist who sees spirituality as foolish and a waste of time.  You can easily see where the problems will materialize.
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Since spiritual beliefs or lack of spiritual beliefs sit deeply within us, this is important in relationships. It often depends on where you are in life and whether this may cause issues, such as raising kids, ideas of morality, afterlife beliefs, etc. Many people have experienced profound and successful relationships with others who have different spiritual views, and for some, this does not rate highly in mate selection.

Nevertheless, the spirituality perspective may affect how a person's morality plays out. It may indicate deep beliefs that shape how one treats others, what love means and who one can love. It also reflects how close-minded or open-minded a person can be. Be mindful that compromise is a part of every relationship, and you have to ask yourself how much you have to compromise on spiritual matters that may affect you. One religion or spiritual view might be incompatible with another, so stay open-minded, but remember there is more to this than just the affiliation to a belief.

Question #4 – What is their relationship with their parents and primarily with their mother? (Foundational Emotional Matters)
To me, this is a fundamental question. Why? Very simply, our parents are the first adults we bond with in life. They are the first people to teach us about love, caring, and nurturing. They are our first template for love, especially the mother.  Often, I have found that prospective partners with complicated or non-active relationships with their mothers (and fathers) often have difficulty in love as adults. Without that early critical bonding experience, they are less likely to grow up to be happy, loving, and resilient adults. They may also grow up to have emotional problems that will naturally affect the outcome in adult love relationships.

By understanding your potential partners' current relationship with their parents, you are getting insight into how they may form love bonds with others. If the connection is good with the parents, chances are excellent these individuals are well adjusted and capable of giving and receiving love. If the parents are cold, distant, controlling, and unaffectionate, this will have affected your amour on views of what love looks like, feels like, and acts like.

Granted that relationships change over time and that sometimes fallings-out occur later in life between parents and children. Life circumstances may alter these relationships as well.  The germ of this seed is in the early formative years with parent and child. This early time is the critical bonding period and generally shapes the parent-child relationship for life.

All of this should manifest in how affectionate, how expressive in love a person displays. If they acknowledge you and are willing to show and give love, it should be something that surfaces early in your relationship with them. A person who lacks these qualities may be a person you might want to bypass. Put down your therapist hat and move on. You likely will not be able to fix their problem.

Question #5 – Do they listen to you? (Interactive Measure and Empathy)
Being heard is very important to HSPs. Whether you are an extrovert or an introvert, it doesn't matter; at some point in your relationship, you will want to talk and be heard. And be acknowledged. Some relationships are identified by monologues and some by dialogues, but in the end, we all want to be heard, and the latter type of relationship is where we want to be.

Does your love interest hear what you have to say? Do they actively listen to you, i.e., a conscious decision to listen to what you are saying?   It seems we either listen to understand or listen to respond. Listening to understand is a deeper type of listening; it is more receptive and compassionate. Listening to respond implies a need to engage in criticism and be motivated by a need to correct you or fix you. One embraces, the other repels. One is deep; the other is shallow.

HSPs seek meaning in just about everything, including relationships. It would be a natural desire for HSPs to form deep relationships, and the foundation for this is listening. If they are doing all the talking, well, you are not being heard. Empathy in part comes from communication. We are naturally good listeners. We need good listeners as partners. It is not a one-way street.

Question #6 – Are they socially adaptable? (You, Me, and the World)
Watch how your potential partner interacts with others. HSPs can be very chameleon-like when we interact in social settings. We are so tuned in to the environment; I think either for comfort or reconnaissance reasons, we adapt to our settings. Maybe it's a comfort thing, or perhaps it's to make others comfortable and make us relatable to them. We can shapeshift if needed.

Looking for a partner that can do similarly, although maybe not critical to all HSPs, is crucial to me. I like to mix with mixed crowds and am not comfortable suffering partners that are snobs or find looking down at others as great sport. I try to stay humble with socializing and blend in and engage strategically and sometimes tactically. In networking for business, I like to seek out and find individuals with mutually beneficial contact. For pleasure, I tend to meet people strategically, basically learning from the new encounters with no specific goal in mind. With that said, I would prefer my partner, be able to do the same.

How people treat others says a lot about how they will treat you. Look for kind, humble, and socially adaptable people.

Granted, this is a simple reflection of how to gauge potential love interests. Your experience may frame similar or completely different questions. The point is to formulate what is essential for you in a partner. Each of us will have our own criteria, but we must know what these points are for each of us. And be astute observers.

I recommend you read Dr. Elaine Aron's book on love and HSPs. You will learn a lot about the needs and interactions between HSPs and HSPs, HSPs and non-HSPs, and all combinations in between. There is excellent research (both her and her husband, Arthur) and real-world information in them.
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Good luck with your love search, be careful, be cautious, and, especially be particular.. You won't regret it.
 
Please share your thoughts in the comment section. 

A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male

 There has been a lot of talk lately about narcissism and dealing with narcissistic personalities. Some very prominent people have been described as narcissistic, which has given some additional focus on this personality disorder.
It has been postulated that highly sensitive people easily fall prey to narcissists, and there is good reason to believe there is truth to this claim. Because HSPs are generally very empathetic and tend to be drawn to people with problems, the narcissist can usually very easily manipulate a trusting and empathic, sensitive person.

Yet, this term is often misused and overstated to describe a normal person who is situationally devious, unkind, or just emotionally manipulative. The actual percentage of the population with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and by that, I mean consistently narcissistic, is relatively small, typically between 1-6%. Let's explore what this can mean to HSPs and for HSP relationships with narcissists.   

What is a Narcissist?
The classic DSM-V definition for a narcissist is a personality disorder primarily characterized by a long-term pattern of exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive craving for admiration, and struggles with empathy towards others. The exact causes are unclear, but evidence suggests that it is both a product of nature and nurture, part genetic part environmental.

Narcissistic individuals have personality traits that display a sense of entitlement, grandiosity, and a need for attention, without much regard for others. They often show fantasies of their unlimited success or power, believe that they are special or gifted, are master manipulators, and are demonstrably arrogant. Many successful people may display some of these same characteristics. However, only the true narcissist makes the traits inflexible and maladaptive.

Men tend to display this disorder slightly more so than women. Within the trait, there are several subtypes, including overt and covert narcissism. Overt narcissism is generally easier to detect because many of the NPD traits can be easily observed. Covert NPD is a bit less observable and can be more subtle and stealthy. Covert narcissists tend to be more introverted, while overt narcissists are louder, more arrogant, and outwardly disregard others.

The covert narcissist more easily dupes many people because of the subtle methods of manipulation. Surprisingly, some covert narcissists are very sensitive people. I believe some HSPs are wrongly accused of being narcissistic because of HSPs' reactivity to criticisms, sudden mood changes, and the tendency towards deep thought, which appears to be aloofness. Preston Ni suggests that some classic narcissists display high sensitivity to criticism, confrontation with their self-image, rejection of their sense of entitlement, and refutation of their self-image. This reaction may add to the belief that some narcissists can be HSPs.

The complicated relationship between HSPs and narcissists
 HSPs appear to be particularly vulnerable to narcissistic manipulation. Sensitive people's trusting and empathetic nature would make them more prone to falling to clever deception, especially from someone who cleverly builds trust first. In many narcissistic abusive relationships, a degree of co-dependency can develop between the narcissist and the victim. This dependency could more easily develop between a covert narcissist and a vulnerable HSP partner, and, at times, a narcissist can even exhibit some degree of compassion. The HSP might then harbor hope for the relationship, which only prolongs the engagement.

In many ways, the HSP represents a shadow self to the narcissist, a dysfunctional compliment, the opposite other. Because HSPs love to help and aid their partners, they fall trap in the never-ending cycle of fulfilling every need for their narcissist partner. This entrapment can lead to an unhealthy symbiotic relationship and emotional pain, which the narcissist cannot relate to or feel.  

How to deal with a narcissist if you are an HSP
If you know that you are dealing with a narcissist, understand that they will be challenging to handle and very draining to your energy levels. Avoid trying to change them and release the naïve expectation that you will be the one that does change them. Expect pushback or even retaliation if you challenge or confront them. If you must confront them, do so in the presence of witnesses. If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, surround yourself with supportive people.  

To get out of a relationship with a narcissist, learn to set boundaries and stay firm on them. Do not take the pushbacks and attacks personally; recognize that it's their problem, not yours. This may require compartmentalizing your feelings as you deal with the confrontation.  You can loop back later and deal with the emotions. Stand up for yourself and if the relationship is abusive – get distance between you and them. Be safe first. Narcissists rarely seek professional help. They don't, can't, or won't see the need for treatment, which is beyond their inflated self-image. It is often stated that narcissism is incurable; however, if the patient won't see the doctor, the treatment is useless. You can bet you won't be able to fix them, so don't try.

My Personal Experiences
My experiences with NPD are somewhat limited. I suspect I have interacted with individuals who display some of the traits of narcissism but not at the level of malignancy. People who act like narcissists or are narcissists, I tend to avoid – life is too short. Yet, some of these folks can be quite charismatic and alluring. People who have NPD can be cunning cult leaders and can lure many unsuspecting victims, looking for a charismatic and authoritative leader. The NPD individual feeds on the admiration and worship and designs creative manipulations to ensure their vulnerable and gullible flock's allegiance. Be wary. Anyone can fall prey.

A final thought on HSPs and narcissists. In my book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconditional Defense of Sensitive Men, I stated that I would have a hard time believing that HSPs would make effective narcissists. While I'm sure with the right combination of nature and nurture, it could happen, the core attributes of HSPs would make it difficult for sensitive people to abuse people without tremendous guilt and internal conflict. Our nature is to be empathetic, and to do less would present conflicting internal signals if we were to be ruthless and careless narcissists. Our hearts would not be faithful for long to the execution of that merciless task. 

Please comment about your experiences with narcissists. 
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​A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
 

 
Many HSPs have trouble dealing with anxiety, stress, and emotional turbulence. For HSPs, these stressors are more than just coping with everyday emotions. This is an often normal reaction for HSPs to environmental and sensory cues that overload our systems.

In the last thirty years or so, a new area of psychology has emerged that focuses on human energetic attributes and uses this energy for healing and calming. This field is called Energy Psychology or EP.

What is Energy Psychology?
Energy Psychology (EP) is a group of therapeutic methods that intervene with human energy fields to promote physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing. EP combines cognitive tools to raise awareness and focus with stimulation of bioenergy fields to promote healing. These biofields include the use of meridians (acupressure points) and chakras (traditional Indian Ayurveda).

Many EP practitioners use tapping methods such as EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique, which uses acupressure points combined with gentle tapping. The client states verbally what the issue is while tapping the meridian points to provide results.

Chakra based methods include Advanced Integrative Therapy (AIT) and or Heart Assisted Therapy (HAT). In addition, other combination methods are umbrellaed under the term Comprehensive Energy Psychology. For the focus of this article, we are exploring EFT only.

Emotional Freedom Technique
Emotional Freedom Technique, also known as tapping, was created by Gary Craig in the mid-90s to simplify Roger Callahan's Thought Field Therapy technique (TFT). TFT was a complicated algorithm-based protocol that used tapping points but required specific ordering of those tapping points based upon the problem. Craig found that he could get better results using a set routine of tapping points and reduce tapping locations.

EFT is a therapeutic technique based on the theory that negative emotions are caused by disturbances in the body's energy fields. Tapping on specific acupressure points while thinking or saying the negative emotion releases the target emotion and restores the body to balance.

The difference between EFT and traditional Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is that recounting and discussing the negative experience (CBT) while offering relief does not always wholly release the negative disturbance from the body/mind. Tapping in a defined sequence while repeating the unique setup phrase will stabilize the trapped emotion over several rounds of tapping, providing a sense of relief and release.

The technique is easy to learn, but assistance from a trained practitioner/therapist is the best way to start. Depending on the problem's complexity, the individual can tackle simple issues by themselves with guided practice.

Does it work?
The evidence for EFT is beginning to gain traction. Over 125 research studies have shown Energy Psychology's effectiveness with a small but growing body of research showing the positive effects on the client's biology. Furthermore, some studies suggest the EFT is as effective or more so than traditional acupuncture treatment in alleviating stress and anxiety. EFT compares favorably to CBT in treating general anxiety, depression, and some forms of trauma.


More than merely a distraction, EFT appears to reduce limbic arousal in the brain, helping to disassociate the emotions with the memory - causing relief in subjects. This is supported by both Integration Theory and Reconsolidation Theory, which explains how the brain moves the individual past traumatic experiences.

My Personal Experiences
I learned EFT about ten years ago and was formally trained in its use around 2015. The technique itself is simple and straightforward to understand. However, like most things that are easy to learn and broad in their application, it takes time to master.  Nevertheless, I felt that EFT was an excellent technique for learning stress reduction and anxiety relief.

EFT can be done inconspicuously if needed and still provide relief. For example, it can be done while flying if flying gives you anxiety. It has even been shown to be useful if you do the tapping in your head using your imagination.

EFT is very portable and, with practice, efficient and reliable. I have used EFT to reduce anxiety, keeping a positive attitude in adverse situations, and it is useful in getting immediate results. This is an ideal tool for HSPs to master in helping control overwhelm.

Because we HSPs are by nature sensitives, I think it makes sense to explore new areas for healing, relaxation, and recalibration. Emotional self-regulation for HSPs is essential and finding and using tools and techniques that are close and portable make them easier to use at any time for emotional regulation. Our sensitivity may in many ways aid in making these tools even more useful for us in dealing with anxiety, overwhelm, and stress, as well as for therapeutic reasons in working with a trained therapist.
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I would be interested in your comments if you have tried EFT and whether it was useful for you. 

A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
 
Years ago, a young Gregg Allman penned a song, one of the best blues tunes of that era, about a man being abused and used by an amour. The song was aptly called Whipping Post. He cried out in the song, that the anguish and pain felt like being tied to a whipping post. The gritty blues song belted out with his gravelly, bluesy voice and masterfully played by his fellow bandmates, epitomized the pain of emotion gone wrong. HSP men, often easygoing, gentle men, sometimes find themselves on the brunt end of emotional flak from insensitive men and women.

The criticisms and put-downs are often related to our sensitive nature, which is in sharp contrast to theirs. Perhaps, we are criticized as well for our insights and intuitions or because of the ups and downs of our emotional makeup. It sometimes feels like we are tied to an emotional whipping post to be flogged and humiliated in public displays of pseudo dominance.

Why all the hate?
Lesser men often attack those they think are weaker.  This bullying is nothing more than internalized insecurity, probably from an early childhood background of abuse and neglect. They are wounded, you are not. You, as an HSP, express the things that they repress -the emotion, the feelings, the empathy that they lack, but secretly crave. They resent you for your ability to express these things that make us human – the ability to care, to nurture, and be supportive.

Even some women get into this game, often because they have unrealistic fantasies about men as superheroes, saviors and warriors, white knights to save them from their core insecurities. This, again, brought to them by poor socialization and self-esteem learned from their parents. These women put you down because you don’t live up to their projection of what a man is supposed to be. They chain you to the whipping post and try to humiliate you—another example of insecurity.

Don’t internalize the negativity.
Whatever you do, don’t internalize this negativity. Walk away from this crap. Confrontation does not lead to resolution. Don’t take the comments to heart. They are not a projection of you, but rather the “other” projecting on you their fears and insecurities. This is a life lesson for all HSPs, don’t let your sensitive nature absorb the toxicity of others.

Let go of the attacks.
So what to do? Unleash yourself from the shackles of the whipping post. Don’t be a target for these weak people. In a real power move on your part – walk away. You hold the power of the chains that bind you. Keep your head up, move on. Your strength lies within you. You are, in the end, the better man for disengaging.
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Remember, you tie yourself to the whipping post by any inaction on your part. The whipping post, by its very definition, is a tool for humiliation and pain. Never let anyone denigrate you for who you are and what you are. We, as HSPs, are done with this. The tide is turning. 

A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
 
Sensitivity in men is often criticized, sometimes by well-meaning but misinformed individuals and sometimes from those who have a distorted view of what constitutes masculinity.  Boys are often socialized not to be sensitive or to play their sensitivity down. This causes many young men to shy away from the acceptance of their sensitive traits. When telling others, especially other men, about your sensitivity, you will find you that you will have to defend yourself against criticism. I listed a few of the more common areas you will find yourself having to defend and how you might approach this defense.  
          
# 1 – Not Being Tough Enough – Premise: Because of your sensitivity, you are not seen as being tough enough. What does tough enough mean anyway? This overused criticism of sensitive men is often used to put HSMs in a category that is decidedly non-masculine. Being tough means the ability to handle difficult and trying situations stoically and without emotion.  Fine. But, to do so under all circumstances is rather stupid. Emotion is a human trait and one in which suppression is counterproductive.  

What is the hidden message behind this criticism? For one, sensitivity is seen as a weakness in men. Any man that displays emotion freely or is intuitive or nurturing is seen as being effeminate and thus non-masculine. It is a form of emotional suppression in men and an attempt at subjugation to an archaic man code.

Defense: Emotion is a human quality, unless you have transcended your humanity, you will experience and show emotion regularly. Suppressing emotional expression is harmful to humans, and therefore unhealthy and unproductive. The notion that men are to always be in control, unemotional, and never wrong is not acknowledging that we all have our weaknesses. Not seeing weaknesses-- is a weakness. Allowing emotional expression has an evolutionary purpose, and therefore is a good thing. Doing so does not make you weak, effeminate, or untough.

#2 – Taking Criticism –   Premise: Not being able to take criticism makes you weak and wimpy. HSPs have a rough time with criticism, especially if it is personal and unconstructive. We take personal criticism to heart mainly because we are thoughtful and conscientious creatures. However, criticism is a natural part of life; it is a feedback mechanism that, when done correctly, can be constructive and useful to help us grow. When receiving criticism, we need to evaluate and compare the criticism, evaluate it for valuable nuggets, and compare the criticism to useful criticism we have received in the past.  Learning to accept constructive criticism, however painful, is a path to personal growth. Consider the source of the criticism and note whether they have your best interest at heart.  If it does not appear constructive, reject it, and realize that there may be another agenda at play.

Defense: We HSMs have a right to reject unsupportive or destructive criticism, personal attacks, and insults. At some point, we have the right to push back. We need to learn to distance emotionally from the attacker and not assimilate the negative emotion.  By not accepting the destructive criticism, we are rejecting the attacker, depriving them of the paltry emotional benefit of momentary dominance.

#3 – Toxic Masculinity – Premise: Because of your sensitivity, you are not man enough, and therefore are subject to dominance by other Toxic Masculines (TM).  Current adherence to the toxic masculinity culture that pervades our society has become a social disease. Look around, it is everywhere, in social media, sports, politics, business, and entertainment. Reject that definition of masculinity and don’t incorporate that into your self-image. Toxic men will look to single you out and subordinate you, either through intimidation or faux dominance. They will challenge your masculinity and try to call you out as a lesser man. Don’t take the bait.

These TMs are the ones who are insecure and have doubts about their masculinity, which often can be traced to early learned development models, typically from a dysfunctional parent. It does not matter their station in life, corporate robber baron, elite athlete, bullying boss, or authoritarian leader; they will all have this underlying insecurity. There is nothing inherently superior about them over you. 

Defense: Masculinity is a culturally defined characteristic. You are a man by biological definition. You can define your gender role. Masculinity can be many things: strong, protective, assertive, or nurturing, compassionate, and emotional. All these traits are human. Don’t allow TMs to define who you are. Strive to be human first. You owe no allegiance to an ill-fitting definition of masculinity.  You do owe it to yourself to be yourself. Stand and be resolute.

#4 – Sensitivity – Premise:  We HSMs are often criticized for being too sensitive, which generally translates into too emotional. Some men are emotion averse. They see emotion as a bad and fickle thing, especially in men. Sensitivity is a multi-faceted trait. It’s not just about emotion but equally about the quality of sensory processing and the depth at which it is processed internally. This spurs insights, intuition, compassion, and yes, emotion. Modern men are evolving, our roles are expanding, and some of the long-held roles men have held sacred are now being challenged or shared with females.

 We should look at these old models for men and rethink them, considering our current times.  I do believe that we are moving towards more androgynous times, which by my definition is that we all males and females should strive to be more human, less gender-specific, and more in line with our personal preferences.

​Defense: Explore your insights. You have great intuition due to your sensitivity. This is a gift. We can nuance more sensory information from the environment, and that makes us valuable. Externalize more of your insights. Allow your depth of processing to bring you creative ideas and solutions. The world values sensitive creation from adroit thinking and the crafting of novel ideas. Realize it takes a lot of diversity to make a healthy world. You are part of that.

#5 –Focus on the Positive Aspects (see the good qualities) – Premise: See your sensitivity as a positive, define it as such and share that with others. This is a proactive step and one that doesn’t require defensive posturing. Remain adaptable to fit uncomfortable situations, yet, never abandon your core values. Highlight with others your empathy and compassion. Be patient with those that don’t understand the complexity of sensitivity. Use humor and gentle kindness to make your points; all humans respond to that. Finally, show and be awareness for others that criticize you. Criticism often comes from a place of fear and misunderstanding. Be the light.
 
 

A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
 
 You don’t have to look very far to find negativity around everywhere. Highly Sensitive People seem to have a unique sense of picking up negativity in the environment. Perhaps, it is a keen nuanced sense of emotion floating about us, or maybe a collective receptor for sensing people’s moods, but we always seem to know when an environment is harmful or toxic. The problem with that is that we tend to internalize the negativity and hold it inward for too long, causing us issues emotionally and physically if we don’t find ways of detoxifying quickly energy that will alter our internal moods. Here are some hacks for releasing and letting go of negativity – something every HSP should know and be adept at doing.  

# 1 – Mindfulness Practice – Some of our emotional reactivity is learned behavior and can become automatic at the trigger of negativity inputs. To prevent this automatic loop from running on autopilot, you must first become consciously aware of the triggers and the subsequent behaviors that follow the triggers. One way of breaking the loop is to become mindful of your mind/body reaction to the trigger. You will feel the response in your body as well as in your mind. This should be a clue to the intensity of the negativity by the reaction in your mind/body. By being aware of the trigger, you can “thought lock” the response by consciously overriding the reaction with a calming reaction. This takes practice and time, but in time will rewire your brain for a more neutral reaction to the stimulus.  Remember, mindfulness is awareness. And awareness provides choices in blind spots you had before.

#2 –Isolate the Rumination  –  Once you find yourself in a rumination moment, where you continuously rehash the event/trigger needlessly and incessantly – you by way of awareness, can isolate the feelings associated with that trigger. Consider it like fencing off a rogue bull from the herd. Instead of allowing these repetitive thoughts, to spread around your consciousness, wreaking havoc, you can isolate and fence off the negative ones. You can even use the imagery of fencing off the negative thoughts if that makes It more real for you. By isolating, you are now managing the negativity directly. Isolation of these thoughts is the first step towards releasing them. HSPs are prone to emotional reactivity, and this must be channeled into constructive action, i.e., from overwhelm to resolve.

#3 – Release the Emotion Underlying the Negativity-  Releasing negative thoughts or emotions is an active process and somewhat of an art form. There are many activities, I have suggested in the blog over the years, that are excellent at helping you become mindful and allowing release. Meditation practice is perhaps one of the best.  Finding a meditation practice is an individual choice, but there are many information options online that can help you in choosing. The practice of yoga and Tai Chi are like meditation in motion; the quiet fluidity of careful body movement with breathing installs a calm and peace that is both active and still. They both create a flow state condition that empties the mind and is a perfect place for release.
​Other activities such as neurofeedback training, aerobic exercise, or even digitally enhanced mood-altering music are great ways to prepare your mind for release. Your body will reward you with mood-enhancing endorphins that will help you pass the negativity outward from your mind and body. Releasing is not an act of vulnerability but rather empowerment. Releasing does not mean you have to resolve the negativity; it is merely the act of letting go. This will return to you a state of flow.

#4 – Retreat, Rest, Rejuvenation – In extreme cases of overwhelm, when the above doesn’t work, then downtime is in order. Quarantine (as if you’re not doing enough of that lately) yourself in nature or a special sanctuary that you have created for yourself for a retreat. Surround yourself with self-soothing artifacts and distractions – movies, music, books, hobbies, or passions and indulge yourself in silence. The goal is to seek peace and calm in your soul.  Most HSPs know how to do retreat natively, so this should be a familiar activity or non-activity. Rest and recharge. Self-isolate.  You have permission.

#5 –Talk with Empathetic Souls – Do not hold this inside you! There is a time when talking to an empathetic soul is imperative. Externalize your thoughts with trusted family and friends and seek a measure of validation of your assumptions and concerns. You may be blowing the negativity way out of proportion, so seek some confirmation. This will help you confirm or refute your feelings and help you formulate constructive actions.

#6 – Practice Peace and Calm, Serenity Living – Quieting the mind for HSPs is work. I mean real work. Yet doing so via practice and repetition will teach you to discipline your mind to manage erratic emotions, which often lead to overwhelm. This practice will train you for dealing with negative onslaughts, the kind that is quite common these days. Imagine that you are becoming a mental Aikido master. You fend off negative attacks by flowing with the energy that is opposing you. You take that energy and let it flow through you, not at you. Imagine you move in mindful motion with the attacker and disarm this energy by using that momentum to pass by you. You disarm it with mental Aikido, steps you learned above.

#7 –Be Selective in Your Environmental Choices – The environment we choose to be in, is highly reflective of how much negativity we must cope with. Choose your companions wisely. You may not always be able to avoid negative people, but you should not consciously seek them out. It is real work to deal with negativity in people and will drain you of your resources. Additionally, be where you are most energized and feel flow. The places you allow yourself in can make a huge difference in your productivity. Be where you are most natural. Finally, surround yourself with peace and calm emitting amenities. A pleasant environment means a mind/body calm.

#8 – Recognize that You are Different in a Good Way – We HSPs have different sensibilities. It comes with the territory. Some of it is sensory, some of it is intuitive, and some of it is HSP logic. We all need to learn to accept ourselves and embrace the gift of high sensitivity. Use it to enlighten, educate, and to uplift others. Spread positivity to negate the negativity. Refuse to believe or see sensitivity as a weakness. 

A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
                                  
There are many excellent books on raising HSP boys – Dr. Ted Zeff’s book The Strong, Sensitive Boy, and Dr. Elaine Aron’s book The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them are just two that come to mind. You should find them and read them if you have an HSP boy. Don’t think because you are an HSP; you will always have intuitive guidance on this subject. Those of us who have raised HSP boys at some time will make these same mistakes, in spite of our high sensitivity. The following mistakes are from my own experiences both as an HSP parent and as an HSP child.

# 1 - Trying to Normalize HSP Boys
This might be a mistake many fathers make with their HSP sons. I suspect some mothers may do this as well. HSP boys are never going to be like the “normal” non-HSP boys. They will go against type from the get-go, so trying to shoehorn them into a typical set of boy traits will only frustrate the HSP boy and make them feel inadequate or inferior. Instead, you should allow them to experience life through their unique lens. Be supportive and nurturing to their sensitivity.

#2 -Not Teaching HSP Boys to Regulate Their Emotions
Emotional reactivity is a big thing for HSPs. Emotions very often run high in HSPs, and HSP boys are no exception. Emotional overwhelm can be at times  challenging to deal with and be frustrating for you and your HSP son. Teach them to flow their emotional highs and lows, ride them like a wave, experience the emotions but not drown in them. Our emotional abilities can be a gift, but only if we have some sense of control. Teach them meditation, mindfulness, visualization, and calming techniques that will quiet down their minds when overwhelm kicks in.
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#3 – Not Providing HSP Boys with Gentle Challenges for Growth
HSP boys are not glass objects or fragile rice paper. They can and should be handled gently but must be provided challenges to expand their comfort zone. What they learn now about overcoming challenges will follow them into adulthood. Encourage them to push boundaries outward and be there when they fail or stumble. Gentle but firm guidance will give them confidence to face life and its challenges.

#4 – Not Celebrating Their Differences
Help your HSP boys to celebrate their uniqueness. They are inherently different- acknowledge that. Show them that this characteristic is a gift. Then show them how to use this gift by encouraging them to step out into the world and be themselves. Being genuine and authentic will help them live their best life.

#5 – Not Teaching HSP Boys Confidence
Confidence is not innate, it is learned. Teach your HSP son to have confidence. Encourage life experience, then show them that failure is simply feedback. Applaud success but dwell more so on effort. Show them that curiosity and persistence will be their greatest teachers.  These are the seeds of a confident boy who will turn into a confident man.

#6 – Not Helping HSP Sons to Understand Their Gifts
All humans have unique gifts. HSP boys have their unique gifts as well. These include insight, intuition, deep emotions and feeling, empathy, an ability for deep thought, and inherent creativity. Point them out early and often and give HSP male role models for them to emulate. If you are an HSP male, be the hero.

#7 – Not Being Emotionally Supportive and Nurturing
Studies have shown HSPs do best in supportive and nurturing environments. This is the HSP key to happiness. Provide that environment to your HSP boy, and he will thrive. Deprive him of that, and he will wilt. It may be more work, but remember you are raising an Orchid in a world full of Daisies.

#8 – Questioning Their Masculinity
Never put your HSP boy down for not being masculine enough. Understand that masculinity is a cultural construct that is learned from birth. Your boy may not exhibit what might seem to be classic western cultural definitions of what a young man is supposed to be, yet I assure you he is still a male. Gender roles are very fluid and are becoming more fluid all the time. The human genome and individual personalities express gender roles in many ways. Teach all boys that masculinity is not devoid of emotion or vulnerability that some characteristics we deem as feminine are indeed human characteristics, such as nurturing and intuition. We want our boys to embrace their humanity fully.

#9 – Thinking This Trait (sensitivity) Is a Disorder or a Phase
Your HSP boy is not going to outgrow their sensitivity. It is a lifelong trait that will shape them and their world. The sooner you understand this, the more helpful you can be to your HSP boy protégé. It is also not a disorder. There is nothing wrong with your child because of their sensitivity. They are normal along a human spectrum of sensitivity and sensing. It is possible your child may have some other disorder, i.e. autism or hypersensitivity, but high sensitivity is not one of them.

#10 – Not Giving Your HSP Boy His Space
All HSPs need space at some time or another. It is our nature to retreat, recharge, and rejuvenate.  It may seem quirky or anti-social, but it is not. It is the HSP way. Make sure your HSP boy gets that space; it may be alone playtime or time to read or time to reflect and rest. Regardless, do respect it. He will thank you for it and will thrive because of it.

HSP boys will be the next generation of HSP men. They will be poets, artists, counselors, religious leaders, visionaries, and political advisors. Letting them grow up to be the wise and sensitive men they are destined to be, will benefit all of us.