A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High-Sensing Male
Highly Sensitive Men: Finding Balance Between Masculinity and Sensitivity Society often views men as stoic, tough, and emotionless beings. However, not all men fit into this stereotype. Highly sensitive men are individuals who experience emotions more deeply than their peers. As a result, they are more attuned to the feelings of others and may struggle to find a balance between their masculinity and sensitivity. In this article, we'll explore the challenges that highly sensitive men face in a society that values traditional masculinity, the importance of embracing sensitivity, and how to find balance. Society's Expectations of Masculinity Traditional views of masculinity emphasize the importance of being strong, dominant, and independent. These traits are often seen as signs of manhood and are expected of men from an early age. Highly sensitive men may struggle to fit into this mold as their sensitivity can be perceived as a weakness. Men who show vulnerability, cry, or express emotions other than anger and aggression are often ridiculed and mocked, causing further stress and shame. Toxic masculinity, a term that describes harmful aspects of traditional masculinity, can also profoundly impact highly sensitive men. Toxic masculinity is characterized by behaviors such as aggression, dominance, and suppression of emotions. These behaviors can lead to a toxic environment for sensitive individuals, making it difficult for them to feel accepted and included. The Importance of Embracing Sensitivity Emotions play an essential role in men's lives, and highly sensitive men should embrace their sensitivity. Being highly sensitive allows individuals to experience the world more profoundly and meaningfully. This emotional intelligence can lead to greater empathy, compassion, and understanding. A key is the increased awareness that sensitivity brings. These skills are critical in building strong relationships, navigating social interactions, and raising awareness of social ills and injustices. Moreover, the repression of sensitivity can have severe consequences. For example, suppressing emotions can lead to detachment, depression, and anxiety. It can also impact physical health, leading to high blood pressure and heart disease. Therefore, embracing sensitivity and using it to develop meaningful connections and lead a healthier life is crucial. Finding Balance Finding a balance between masculinity and sensitivity can be challenging, but it's not impossible. Here are some tips that can help:
Overcoming Challenges Despite the importance of embracing sensitivity, highly sensitive men may face challenges in doing so. Coping with societal pressure and overcoming stigma can be difficult. It's essential to acknowledge these challenges and develop strategies to overcome them. It's also important to learn to love oneself and accept sensitivity as a unique trait that makes one special. Conclusion Highly sensitive men face unique challenges in a society that values traditional masculinity. However, embracing sensitivity is essential for emotional well-being and healthy relationships. Men can find the balance between masculinity and sensitivity by understanding emotions, practicing self-care, navigating social expectations, and building a supportive community. Overcoming societal pressure and stigma may be challenging, but learning to love oneself and accept one's sensitivity is crucial to finding balance. Men should embrace sensitivity and use it to lead happier and healthier lives.
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A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High-Sensing Male
The Importance of Field of Dreams: A Story of Reconciliation and Masculinity In 1989 as a sensitive man going through a difficult divorce, I was searching for emotional healing and a moment of revelation. The film Field of Dreams, directed by Phil Alden Robinson, was not, as the title implies, just about baseball but about reconciling a long-lost relationship between a father and son. It profoundly impacted me because I had lost my father, as Ray Kinsella had in the film when I was only seventeen and not yet mature enough to process the emotions and impact of such a loss. The film's storyline was a fantasy about a man who builds a baseball field on his farm, plowing through his crop based on nothing more than a voice in his head. The main character is led on a road trip to pick up men with broken dreams, including an idealistic but disillusioned writer, a small-town doctor who dreamed of being a ballplayer, and deep within the cornfield, a dishonored Chicago White Sox baseball player plagued by scandal. All of them were looking to reconcile lost opportunities, all tied to baseball. The fantasy was provided by a mystic force and metaphysical magic, with the cornfield backdrop serving as the off-stage for the various actors returning from life after death. But the main story was the reconciliation of Ray Kinsella with his father, John, portrayed in the movie by his younger self. The film explores the idea of reconciliation through fantasy, which can be both comforting and challenging. Although, it can be difficult to achieve in real life, particularly between fathers and sons. Fathers and sons often unwittingly drift from each other, creating a lack of trust and love that both yearn for, but their egos block. Sometimes, this is over something trivial, but it metastasizes into an immutable block that prevents the necessary healing. In addition, pride and shame often prime the pump of masculine stubbornness that prevents the healing required. The scene in the movie that ties up the storylines is the final catch scene. Kinsella knows that the young player who has joined the other professionals from the other side is his dad. It's unclear if the senior Kinsella knows until the final scene that Ray is his son. At dusk, one evening, the father has been practicing with the other professional players who emerged from the cornfield. The others leave, and John is left to pack up the remaining gear. Ray strikes up an awkward conversation with him. As the conversation begins to wane and the father begins to work his way back into the cornfield, Ray stops him and, in the most pivotal part of the movie, looks towards his father and calls him by name. "Dad, do you want to have a catch?" His voice almost breaks at the request, and the father looks at him like he's known all along and says yes. At that moment, the healing begins. Many men cry during this scene, as it represents the healing of the relationship between fathers and sons, many of whom, like me, will never experience this moment. Finally, Ray got his dream, and as the prescient voice stated, he was able to "ease his pain." The movie ends as the camera pulls back, revealing a line of cars coming to the field of dreams, no doubt bearing the hopes of legions of men who long for this healing. There are so many ways of slicing this movie up. Still, it's clear the themes of masculinity (baseball references), expressing and receiving tender emotions, reconciling past wrongs, and healing within the context of something so strongly American: corn fields, baseball, and father-son relationships. The film has various metaphors of masculinity, including baseball, the responsibilities of fatherhood, the repression of feelings, and the release and forgiveness necessary for healing. These metaphors contribute to the film's overall message about what it means to be a man. Men are expected to repress their emotions and still be responsible fathers and dutiful sons, which can lead to strained relationships between males. The film highlights the importance of forgiveness, perspective, and release, with an underlying message about healing key relationships before it's too late. The film profoundly impacted me, offering a chance to reconcile and regain a lost relationship, albeit via vicarious methods. I related to the film's portrayal of masculinity, which helped me understand my own emotions and relationships. The audience's reaction to the catch scene was cathartic, and many men can relate to what was seen. I wish and sometimes fantasize that I could heal my relationship with my father. Being a man is complicated, and the film's portrayal of masculinity has given me an anchor point to my relationship with my children, especially my sons. I felt the film was masterful in portraying these frayed father-son relationships. I completely connected to the film, not knowing when I started watching, the emotional journey it would take me on. Like Kinsella, I lost my dad at a young age. We never got to reach that point where we connected. He was my model for masculinity, and until he died, I felt like I had failed him. I was a sensitive boy, and he was a sensitive man. He tried his best to toughen me up, but he sensed my frustration, the same frustration which he also knew. Time would have healed our wounds if he had only lived longer. But, instead, his absence left an empty hole in my life. The movie showed me the wound again and made me deal with it. I cried for days afterward, probably because it hit so hard, but also because of my divorce. I was separated from my children, and the emotions of separation lingered with me daily. Years later, I still feel strong emotions when I watch the film. The significance of this film is truly understated. Perhaps, because so many men will not own up to their painful emotions, many will not see the catharsis that the film provides. One of the key and most important relationships in a man's life is with his father. The thread of male bonding runs deep and is often neglected or not nurtured. Unfortunately, some men will never be able to receive that healing – a sad state provided by some of the more rigid rules of traditional masculinity. There is always a little boy inside of every man who couldn't be expressed – full of emotion, questions, and a desire to be themselves. Trying so hard to please their father, they abandon their dreams in hopes of creating a bridge between father and son. Know this that time waits for no man. The time is now to show and express your feelings for those you love. Heal the differences, but accept the individual as they have been created. Field of Dreams was one of the most emotional movies I have watched and experienced. Why it is not considered one of the greatest films of all time is beyond me. Maybe it was the fantasy; perhaps it broached a forbidden topic; regardless, viewing should be required for all men who have struggled with losing their fathers. A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High-Sensing Male
The "woke" movement, also known as the social justice movement, has been a hotly debated topic in recent years. While it aims to promote awareness and advocacy for social justice issues such as racism, sexism, and other forms of discrimination, critics argue that it restricts freedom of speech and expression and can be divisive and polarizing. However, in today's polarized world, being sensitively aware is crucial in fostering understanding and empathy. Unfortunately, the world is in short supply of this vitally human function. Highly sensitive people have an advantage due to their innate ability to pick up on subtle emotional cues. This article will explore sensitivity awareness and how cultivating it can build better relationships and a more compassionate society. Understanding Sensitivity Awareness Sensitivity awareness is the ability to be in tune with one's emotions and those of others. Highly sensitive people tend to be more empathetic and have a higher emotional IQ than most individuals. Signs of sensitivity awareness include reading body language, tone of voice, and subtle behavioral changes. Therefore, many people lacking this skill should consider raising the bar on their sensitivity awareness to help bridge gaps in understanding with others. HSPs can help educate and model these behaviors. Developing Sensitivity Awareness Learning to be mindful of oneself and others is key to developing this awareness. For example, paying attention to differences in people, such as neurodiversity, cultural differences, and equality issues, can enhance sensitivity to those differences. Likewise, listening and focusing on the needs of others can also help develop sensitive attention. Being aware of the choice of language and nonverbal cues can improve communication. In addition, better relationships and interactions can be fostered by elevating your sensitivity awareness. Developing a sensitive understanding of others can also result in better emotional regulation and reactions to others' differences. Internal and External Awareness Compiling information from within and without or being in tune with one's own emotions and the emotions of others is a critical aspect of this heightened awareness, along with understanding the feelings and thoughts of others and the importance of empathy. In addition, awareness of subtle environmental changes can help and requires paying attention to create necessary environmental awareness. How to Cultivate Sensitivity Awareness Cultivating empathy involves putting oneself in another's shoes and understanding their perspective. Mindfulness, or being present in the moment, can also help develop this comprehension. Active listening, or giving full attention to the speaker, is another crucial aspect, as is reserving judgment or commentary until the person listened to has been fully heard. Challenges to Sensitivity Awareness However, there are challenges to raising sensitive awareness. Societal barriers, such as systemic discrimination or inequalities, can hinder the development of empathy and kindness. In addition, personal obstacles, such as a lack of self-awareness, can be challenging. A lack of self-awareness means that an individual is generally unaware of their impacts and influences on others. Overcoming these barriers requires a willingness to learn and grow and a dedication to becoming more sensitively aware. This is an action-oriented endeavor, even for highly sensitive people. Awareness without action is ineffective. Examples of Sensitivity Awareness In personal relationships, sensitivity awareness can manifest as listening and empathizing with a partner during a difficult time. In professional settings, sensitivity awareness can mean being aware of cultural differences in the workplace and adapting communication styles accordingly. Finally, in society, sensitivity awareness can result in being aware of systemic inequalities and taking action to address them. This is a clarion call for highly sensitive people and those that would listen. In conclusion, sensitivity awareness is critical to fostering understanding and empathy in a polarized world. Individuals can develop sensitivity awareness by practicing mindfulness, compassion, and active listening. In addition, we can build better relationships and a more compassionate society by cultivating this type of understanding. It's time to embrace and model sensitivity awareness to bridge the knowledge gap and create a more harmonious, peaceful, and empathetic world. A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High-Sensing Male Are you a Sensitive New Age Guy? This was a term that was bandied about a lot when I was a young adult. But, it was a brief flirtation with men's liberation promptly crushed by the Reagan revolution of the 80s. That return to conservative and traditional masculinity still has a hold on us today. The idea that men could be both sensitive and spiritual in an alternative way was just too much for some folks to handle- too soft, too weak, too feminine. But what exactly was the term about? The term "sensitive new age guy" (SNAG) is a colloquial expression often used to describe a man who has progressive views, is emotionally intelligent and empathetic, and is interested in spirituality and personal growth. This stereotype is associated with the New Age movement. It encompasses a range of beliefs and values that challenge traditional gender roles and emphasize emotional intelligence, non-violent communication, and spiritual development. While some people view the "sensitive new age guy" as being too emotionally fragile or insincere, others see sensitivity as a strength and value it in their relationships and communities. This shift in attitudes toward sensitivity and emotional intelligence is part of a broader cultural trend toward rejecting traditional masculinity and embracing a more nuanced and inclusive definition of masculinity. Overall, the "sensitive new age guy" is significant as a representation of changing cultural attitudes towards masculinity and gender roles and reflects the growing interest in spirituality, self-improvement, and emotional intelligence. Whether viewed positively or negatively, the "sensitive new age guy" is an important cultural phenomenon that provides insights into the evolving definition of what it means to be a man in the 21st century. The Origins of the Term The term "sensitive new age guy" can be traced back to the emergence of the New Age movement in the 1970s and 1980s. The New Age movement was a cultural and spiritual movement that embraced various alternative beliefs and practices, including spiritualism, alternative medicine, and environmentalism. As this movement grew, so did the stereotype of the "sensitive new age guy." The term "sensitive new age guy" was popularized to describe men who embraced New Age beliefs and values and were seen as being in touch with their emotions and espousing progressive views. In addition, this stereotype was often associated with men who were interested in spirituality, personal growth, and self-improvement and rejected traditional notions of machismo and aggression. In the decades since the phrase was first popularized, the "sensitive new age guy" has become a cultural phenomenon reflecting changing attitudes towards masculinity and gender roles. The stereotype has been celebrated and criticized, with some people viewing sensitivity as a strength and others seeing it as a sign of emotional fragility or insincerity. However, with the discovery of the temperament trait of sensory processing sensitivity in the mid-90s, sensitivity has gained traction as a normal and positive personality trait regardless of gender. Nevertheless, the "sensitive new age guy" continues to be an important cultural stereotype that provides insights into evolving attitudes towards masculinity and gender roles. Characteristics of a Sensitive New Age Guy The term "sensitive new age guy" (SNAG) is often used to describe a man who has the following characteristics:
The Sensitive New Age Guy (SNAG) stereotype has faced criticism for the following reasons:
Personal Reflections and Conclusions So, are you a SNAG? With the advent of what can only be described as a reborn, fledgling movement promoting men's ability to be sensitive, feeling, empathetic, and nurturing creatures again, can we revive the ideals of the SNAG movement of the 70s and early 80s? As highly sensitive men, can we be the champions of a revival and liberation of sorts to bring humanity back to masculinity? For those who have followed my blog over the years, you must realize that I believe this is our ideal purpose. We, as HSP men, can lead directionally and, by example, a rediscovery and recrafting of masculinity that matches the needs of our times. We are the blueprint and can serve as the model for men to rediscover their authentic selves and partner with females to create a liberation movement that will free both men and women to be in the fullness of the range of the human palette of behaviors, emotions, and capacities. We can lose the old nomenclature but retain the essence of change. The day is arising to create a new masculinity that is not abusive, violent, aggressive, or territorial—instead, replacing these long archaic traits with kindness, empathy, nurturing, and intuition. Characteristics long associated exclusively with the feminine can now be embraced to enhance and edify the masculine. The New Age moniker seems quaint now, but the day of sensitivity and self-awareness is here. A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High-Sensing Male
Several years back, I remember a call for the government to form a department of peace. What surprised me was that this has occurred throughout the history of the United States, very often due to a recent war or during a military conflict. This movement started as far back as 1793 by Dr. Benjamin Rush, a founding father, and Quaker clergyman. Other notable attempts have been introduced by esteemed congresspeople such as Everett Dirksen (late 40s), Senator Vance Harke (late 60s), Dennis Kucinich in 2001, and most recently, Barbara Lee in 2013. In addition, many celebrities have attached their names to this movement, including Walter Cronkite, Marianne Williamson, Willie Nelson, Yoko Ono, and Joaquin Phoenix. Invariably, these initiatives don’t pass into law, likely because of a strong military-industrial complex lobby and a continuing jingoistic American public. Nevertheless, these attempts to at least study conflict and conflict resolution, teach peaceful negotiation, and learn via science ways to arbitrate disagreements would have great merit in a time where there are implacable schisms in almost every imaginable area – religious, political, social, business and any national discussion. It is frustrating to note that in an age that has produced AI, we don’t have the common sense to navigate our disagreements. The History of Peace Movements To study peace, it might be useful to define what the objective might be. What is peace? You might simply describe peace as a quality of a society, nation, group, or individual operating harmoniously. It could include a lack of hostility, safety and recognition, equality and fairness, and an absence of war or agitated conflict. This is not a static state of bliss but an active state of negotiation, compromise, and mutual respect. Our word peace has roots in the Hebrew Shalom, meaning safety, welfare, prosperity, security, good fortune, and friendliness. Over the years, various attempts in the US to create sustainable peace movements have often failed when presented to the government -even if the idea is wildly popular, as was the case in the early 2000s leading up to American involvement with Iraq, post 911. But then, despite the presence of 10 million marchers, the government was oblivious and marched on to war. Does that make the attempts at a peace movement futile? On the contrary, they serve as a balancing point to militarization and a counterweight to knee-jerk military action. In some ways, they can provide a bargaining chip to ensure some just peace is implemented, albeit post-conflict. Emerson and Thoreau were part of an earlier peace movement spurred by the Mexican-American War. Thoreau even wrote an essay on civil disobedience, which inspired both Tolstoy and Martin Luther King, Jr. Quakers, a religious group where peace is a foundational element to their belief systems, have played important roles in peace movement history in the US. Even the woman who wrote The Battle Hymn of the Republic, Julia Ward Howe, decried the use of war to settle disagreements and the loss of husbands, fathers, and sons to the destruction of war. William James, the father of American psychology, extolled the value of maintaining political unity and civic virtue without war or the threat of war. Yet, none of this was enough. Even with all of the notable figures supporting peace, America entered the twentieth century only to witness the bloodiest century in the history of humanity. Two world wars, countless regional and geo-political conflicts, and no sign that humans had evolved to such an extent as to prevent wars. We Need to Learn How to Do Conflict Resolution So what is missing? If you polled most people around the world, the vast majority would wish for a world where peace was the norm. So why can’t we get there? The desire is there, perhaps, even the will, but how do we do this? I question if there can be a world free of conflict, but at least we can have a world free of war. The solution is to find and promote powerful and effective conflict-resolution tools. What would help is a concerted cross-discipline scientific study on the elements of peace and the art of conflict resolution—evidence-based, practical tools for avoiding escalated conflict and ways to diffuse disputes that lead to war quickly. This will not be a magic formula but will build over time a body of knowledge that can serve as inputs to educational programs for schools, research material for perpetual studies on peace, and encourage something like a peace propaganda movement that extolls the virtues of peace and the sanctity of life. We must train our children and people to find inner peace. This can be done without religious attachments and kept objective with scientific validation. By socializing this ideology of peace first, over time, a generation of children will be taught the finer points of conflict resolution and how to maintain inner peace in the face of stress and distress. This will promote conflict studies, a foundation for propagating peace studies programs throughout universities and think tanks. This effort may take several generations of exposure to take root firmly. A Department of Peace (perhaps named differently) would be the focal point of all government efforts to promote conflict resolution and non-military solutions to conflict. In the interim, we would need to develop programs that would work with military leaders to quickly de-escalate armed conflicts and bring parties to the negotiation table. At some point in the future, even this could be eliminated. Is There Any Hope for This? All of this sounds great, but is it likely to happen? Considering the present conditions, we live in, with the great polarization within humanity, the enormous investment we have in the military, the influence of the military-industrial complex, and the glorification of war in popular media, this seems unlikely. But, unless we take significant steps towards a peaceful world, I fear humanity is in grave danger. Unfortunately, we often forget we are but one nuclear war away from the annihilation of humanity. This must change. We need to understand at a deep level what causes aggression. Is it fear, is it greed, or is it ego-based dynamics? What insecurity drives us to this insanity? How can we prevent conflict if we don’t understand the root of conflict and the subsequent emotional overreaction? We spend trillions of dollars on war, so why not earmark millions to study peace? Part of maintaining peace is finding ways of negotiation that do not produce zero-sum outcomes. Negotiation need not be about one side winning as the other loses. Instead, we have to develop objective negotiation methods that consider all sides. Producing compromised yet fair results mean going the extra mile to keep the peace. We must emphasize cooperation and not always make life a merciless competition. We work better if we cooperate because collaboration is about raising all ships. We need to focus through education and practice-- not just rhetoric, on encouraging a kinder, gentler world. The stakes are too high not to try. And remember, pacifism is not passivity. Resigning to the archaic notion that there are just wars and that they are inevitable is simply a self-fulfilling prophecy. We must reach a point for us to evolve to reject war and the disturbance of the peace. As John Lennon famously sang, “Give peace a chance.” A department of peace would be a good start.
A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High-Sensing Male
Well, it's the first of the year again. Many people start trotting out new year's resolutions at this time of year – new year, new you. Many folks, including many HSPs reach out to get help from coaches and therapists. Therapists are licensed health professionals who must undergo extensive training and education to become counselors. Coaching is a much newer profession and is not nearly as regulated as psychotherapy. The focus of this article is on the selection of a coach. The entire bar into the coaching profession is actually pretty low. This is not to say that there aren't many good and effective coaches out there. They may not have all the credentials you might hope for, but the impetus is on you, as the consumer, to vet them. Some coaches have great credentials – an accreditation from ICF or CoachU or programs certified by these bodies. However, life can be a great teacher, experience creates wisdom (sometimes), and this has to be considered as well, and there aren't any certifications for that. In sum, even with degrees and credentials that do not necessarily make the coach perfect for you, armed with this knowledge, you start on a sure footing. Coaching can be quite an investment in yourself; like any self-help activity, results are very seldom guaranteed. It can also be pricey. Admittedly, I have been somewhat skeptical of the coaching ideology since I first came in contact with it in the late 90s. I have in the past worked with both coaches and therapists and have had mixed results with both. The coaching field has evolved over the years, often bringing about hybrid coaches/therapists or coaches with more specialized coaching techniques that produce outstanding results. It's an evolving field and will, at some point, become regulated. My experiences could be somewhat biased, but I think it is very important for everyone to do their due diligence. With you doing your homework, you can feel better about investing sums of money in coaching. So let's look at some things you might want to look for. What is a life coach? The Basics A life coach is a type of professional that helps people achieve goals and objectives to gain greater life fulfillment. Coaches can help you clarify and quantify your goals and help with strategies to overcome obstacles using your talents and skills. There are many life coaches, from career, business, financial, health, spiritual, and of course, generic life coaching. For HSPs, there are now many individuals devoted to supporting HSPs in life decisions, most of whom are HSP themselves. One thing to remember is that a life coach is not a therapist. With that said, many therapists are now moving to the coaching field, so ex-therapists are now becoming life coaches. In my opinion, this gives those individuals a distinct advantage – they can recognize mental health issues vs. coaching issues and make that differentiation. They are also skilled in working with clients and have learned to listen to them and offer help. Hence, these hybrid coaches can wear different hats. But, many life coaches don't have that background. If you select a life coach with a therapist background, I suggest you discuss this with them before you begin the engagement. There may be local, state, or national rules about what services they can provide while wearing the coaching hat. One of the great benefits of using a life coach is to have an objective point of view, especially in areas where you are stuck. The coach's insights might make the difference in whether you progress through the obstacles or remain stuck in the mud. If you experience success with a coach, you can likely translate the investment you made with them into financial success, which justifies the cost. Having a more successful and satisfying life working with someone who sees your abilities and helps translate them into demonstrable and measurable goals is very rewarding. One of the greatest benefits of working with a life coach is accountability and having someone hold you responsible for the goals you set. This can be very motivating and may be the push you need to break through. There have been studies showing the effectiveness of coaching in reducing procrastination, improving self-efficacy, and showing improvement in organization settings for functional improvements. However, like many things in life, success is more likely if the right coach meets the right client and both are motivated. Coaching and HSPs Since many therapists out there still do not understand the HSP trait, nor have any training in supporting HSPs or discounting the trait, be even more cautious working with coaches. As stated earlier, many HSP coaches are out there now, many of whom have therapeutic backgrounds and are HSP themselves. And they can cover the same diverse coaching landscape that non-HSP coaches do. My advice is to focus on HSP coaches. I think you will find the experience is much more positive working with someone who understands you. Dr. Elaine Aron's website, www.hsperson.com, has a page devoted to HSP coaches. She only accepts those on the list certified by ICF and at a professional level. She offers a few caveats for selecting a potential coach, and I suggest you check this out. If you choose to use a coach, especially a non-HSP coach, because of their reputation or because they have a specific specialty that you need help with, make sure they understand your trait and use your intuition about whether to go forward. That's an individual decision based on your needs and how well you can work with someone who may misunderstand you or your trait. To be fair, there are many coaches out there that are non-HSP that can still be very effective for you. Educate them on your HSP characteristics. Tips and Cautions I would say the number one thing is to know what you want. What are your goals and objectives? Are they demonstrable and measurable? What are your time limits for achieving your goals? Are you focused, specific, or somewhat hazy and need help deciphering your goals? You are at a distinct advantage if you know what your goals are. You may not know how to get there, but at least you know the destination. Interview at least three coaches to determine their style and the rapport you have with them, and get your specific questions about them answered. Many coaches will give a free 20-30 minute interview to get you comfortable. If they don't offer this, then walk. I feel this interview is so important; it should not be bypassed because you must invest your money to vet them. Of course, I get the whole thing about monetizing every minute for a coach. Still, if you can't allow a potential client to interview you for a few minutes, I don't think I'd want to work with them, especially if you are going to invest a sizable amount of your money with them. Confirm their credentials. Ask them about certifications, experience, education, and client successes. Then, you can judge where you think they fit in with your needs. And manage your expectations. Coaches aren't miracle workers, so don't expect immediate results. This process requires patience, work, and diligence, most of it on your part. Make sure you and your coach have rapport. And finally, do a cost/benefit analysis to justify any high-cost fees. Some high fees are justified, but the benefit better damn well be there. And only you can determine that. Last Thought: I know many HSP coaches and am meeting more as I continue down this path. They are all excellent people and thoughtful and purposeful coaches. Yes, it is indeed a wide-open field, but with some diligence on your part and knowing what you want, I think you can find a good coach to help you with whatever needs you have. Good luck with your search. A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High-Sensing Male
Male culture, especially in the West, emphasizes that the larger, bigger, and more muscular a man is, the more masculine he becomes. This emulation is exhibited with our sports heroes, such as football players, basketball players, boxers, wrestlers, weightlifters, and many other male athletes, male models, and actors. This desire for bigger and stronger men often leads young men and boys to attempt to measure up and obtain that same athletic build and mass. In and of itself, it is not necessarily bad in moderation, but problems ensue when it becomes an obsession. When this aspiration becomes a compulsion, we have fertile ground for complications and potential physical and mental health troubles. The Obsession with Big The emphasis with men about physicality traces its roots to more primitive times when muscular men often meant the difference between bagging big game or protecting against predators or interlopers. Like most large apes, humans often mimic the posturing that large apes use to set up parameters for dominance. In this case, usually, size does matter. In this sense, we have evolved little from our ancestors in prioritizing males' size. This rule of thumb applies to everything from body mass, muscle size, height, weight, and, of course, penis size. We have "Texas-ized" the entire male anatomy for bigness. All of these physical parameters suggest some form of dominance. We have trans-morphed this ideal to represent masculine desirability and have, in some ways, created this cult of bigness. Where this goes wrong. Whereas women often emphasize smallness or thinness, men have classically focused on being large and threatening. This can often lead men to OCD behaviors. One of them is body dysmorphic disorder or BDD, a mental disorder that leads an individual to believe there is a serious flaw in some aspect of their body. A subset of this disorder, muscle dysmorphia, is where the individual, primarily men, believes that their muscles are too small or underdeveloped. This thinking can occur even when the individual has well-defined and developed musculature. Causes range from genetics to introversion, perfectionism, heightened aesthetic sensitivity, and early childhood abuse. And now, with the advent of social media – social pressures mount related to comparison to others in the news. Although numbers indicate that a small number of individuals reach the obsessive stage (< 3.0% of the population), it is also a cultural phenomenon wherein men feel less masculine with less-than-desirable bodies. Hence, the proliferation of gyms and weightlifting equipment. This fanatic devotion to body size leads many men to experience personal rejection sensitivity, or as its sounds, a fear of being rejected or negatively evaluated by others. The emphasis on body size can begin early with males as young as six. Research shows that up to 95% of college-age men have some degree of body dissatisfaction. This cultural obsession with muscularity leads many men to develop some form of muscle dysphoria. This compares numerically with the incidence of anorexia nervosa in women. Always struggling for an idealized body image, made possible through media, advertising, and idealized cultural norms. A study from the International Journal of Men's Health found that male college students prioritized appearance evaluation and accounted for 20 percent of participants' psychological self-acceptance. Furthermore, body image correlates positively with the perception of male dominance and environmental self-mastery. In addition, the study cited an increase in steroid and supplement use for increased body size related to weight preoccupation and body dissatisfaction. Again, the strong adherence to traditional masculine norms is related to higher levels of body dissatisfaction. This image evoked from traditional masculinity suggests the ideals of power, control, strength, independence, and dominance in defining manhood and is indicated in body image. The study concluded that our society's continued emphasis on male and female ideals based on restrictive body images had become markers of male and female status. The downside of all this is a culture that ignores the variety of body types, the potential richness of male experience outside of body type, and the development of an anchored, well-developed identity. Where masculinity goes wrong. Many have coined the phrase "bigorexia" to supplant reverse anorexia. But, unfortunately, the upshot for many men is that no matter what they do to bulk up, it is never enough. Hence, even with countless hours in the gym, ingesting dangerous drugs, and questionable supplements, they can not fulfill a never-satisfied goal of being manly enough. Growing up in the sixties, I remember the ads for Charles Atlas in the comic books, promising to make a 90-pound weakling into a muscular beast, fit to protect any damsel in distress, kick-ass, or at least sand on any beach in America. And, of course, expectations are set young in life. I mean, what young man wouldn't want to look like a stud on the beach, by the pool, or anywhere he shows off his "guns." You see, our definition of masculinity is based on never enough. Never enough muscles, never enough courage, never enough body mass, never enough strength. You see, no one can ever be enough to be man enough. The masculine promise of the dominance of control or being the baddest mofo on the block is based on never enough. It's never about creativity, emotion, giving, being cerebral, or just being a decent human being. This. my friends, is toxic masculinity at its worst. And we have all bought into it at some point. In the end, based on this definition, no man will ever be enough. It's time to throw the yoke off and let men evolve into the fine humans they are, regardless of their body shape. Embrace the diversity within the male gender, body size, brain capacity, well-developed feelings, and the capacity to cooperate and love. We need to leave that old shit behind, give it back to the caveman and banish it to the annals of time. My Observations I was always a tall, skinny kid. I grew upward faster than I could add weight. I wish that were true now. Those old Charles Atlas ads painted my internal image of myself – the image that didn't match the ad. Unfortunately, I was never manly enough according to those ideals. I lifted weights, drank protein drinks, and ate until I couldn't hold any more food, but to no avail. I remained the skinny, tall kid. Later in life, I would add weight and fill in, but by then, it didn't matter anymore. I don't think it's wrong to work out to build muscle, add strength, or be more fit. But that's not what this article is about. Some of us will never be the idealized, muscular athletes we see on television sporting events. That needs to be okay. Likewise, we need not idealize big over smart, dominance over kindness, or competitiveness over cooperation. Being masculine isn't about big. It's about being human in male form and expressed in the infinite variety of the human genome. What do you think?
A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High-Sensing Male
As we age, we change. That is a fact of life. Aging brings about a change in perceptions, physiology, and personalities. But, unfortunately, there is a price to pay for our wisdom and accumulated experience. Wear and tear on our bodies; that's the human way. HSPs are no different. Our bodies age like everyone else, with the attendant changes and erosion of long-held capabilities. But do we, as highly sensitive people, have changes in our sensitivity as we grow older? That question was looked at in a 2019 study from Japan. Does high sensitivity change with age? A single study. The study suggested that several personality traits on the Big Five Personality test change as we age. Those traits, openness, and neuroticism, appear to change inversely in older adults, with openness growing and neuroticism declining as people age. The study's authors correlated three HSP traits: 1) low sensory threshold, 2) ease of excitation, and 3) aesthetic sensitivity (deemed spirituality in the study) to the Big Five traits noted above. In addition, it was stated in previous studies that openness tends to increase with age and that neuroticism declines with age. In the HSP study, the attributes of low sensory threshold and ease of excitation were correlated with the personality trait of neuroticism. In addition, the HSP attribute of aesthetic sensitivity was associated with openness. The authors hypothesized that the HSP traits would follow the aging patterns seen in the Big Five traits. The study's conclusion bore out the hypothesis and suggested that some of the HSP traits decline or increase depending upon the attribute as we age. Why this makes sense. Because we lose sensory processing ability as we age, this makes sense. Those traits that correlate with sensory inputs would understandably lose ability with aging due to diminished capacity in older individuals. The HSP cycle of perception often begins with the processing of sensory data; if that capacity is declining, then naturally, our excitation and the low sensory threshold would be impacted. The study seems to confirm that they both appear to decline with age. Conversely, the aesthetic sensitivity trait increased with age, corresponding to the findings about openness linearly increased with age in previous studies. Aesthetic sensitivity is a higher-order emotional processing trait, as is spirituality, which is typically internally processed and seems to mature with age. With added experience, you might conclude that this internal processing would be enhanced with increased age. That makes sense. The conclusion suggests these attributes may change over time (aging) based on the task and the environment. These may affect the outcomes and make generalizing the conclusion more problematic. More study is needed. The Study The study surveyed approximately 1900 Japanese adults measured across three dimensions of sensory processing sensitivity noted, and participants were of a wide range of ages. Although this is a single study, it's worth noting. The authors suggested that improvements to future studies could include longitudinal studies, increasing the number of aspects studied, and doing more cross-cultural studies to factor out cultural biases. My Observations I have often wondered if personality doesn't change over time, with the increased experience and effects from environmental factors. This would include SPS. One question for the HSP study is whether high sensitivity diminishes over time or becomes ameliorated with experience and life adjustments. I know in my own experience, as I age, it seems that I have mellowed on some of the more extreme emotions/reactions that would have been more pronounced and visible at an early age. However, I am not suggesting that the trait completely changes. No, I believe it stays as constant as anything can with the passage of time. Still, we need more studies to support the idea that the core attributes remain with us throughout our lives but may gain or decline based on physical aging, how we learn to cope with some of the challenges HSPs face, and how we develop strategies to thrive. What do you think? A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High-Sensing Male
If you've ever lived anywhere in a temperate to tropical climate, you've likely heard the loud mating calls of the insect Cicadidae, more popularly known as Cicadas. These winged insects emerge annually or, in the case of the Magicicada, every thirteen to seventeen years to mate, make a big splash with loud mating calls, and then die. The eggs they produce give way to burying nymphs which become the next generation, waiting patiently underground until the next cycle begins. I mention this locust-like insect not so much because those qualities remind me of HSPs, but rather their predictable emergence from what would seem like a long slumber to return to fulfill an evolutionary purpose. However, the reality is that they never left but were submerged to seem oblivious to the outside world, only to return at the right interval—the right time. Perhaps, this is a stretch, but the Cicada effect, as I'm describing, is when an animate species seemingly asleep reemerges for a short, pointed mission, then blends back into the earth, waiting on the next right time. So, strangely, HSPs could be emerging now, during a time in human history, to perform a needed function. Less obnoxious and less noisy than Cicadas but more important to the evolution of our species. And, although we don't literally fall asleep, we can often seem dormant until we have our cautionary role kicks in. What role do HSPs play? A question that many HSPs ask is, what role do we play for humanity? Dr. Elaine Aron alludes to the idea that nature has created a small part of the human population – us, to provide thoughtful, cautious inputs into decision-making where we perform roles as wise counselors or as a priestly function. Our deep-thinking natures, natural nurturing, and empathetic tendencies make us ideal advisors to the warriors and kings and counselors to the general population. The world is turning at an ever-faster pace, and decisions seem less thoughtful and less insightful by our leaders and decision-makers. There seems to be less effort to think long-term, consider consequences, and not seek parity or equity in decisions. HSPs could make a difference here. But to be recognized, we need to recognize these qualities in ourselves. We need to own our traits and employ them in our interactions with others, especially those in leadership positions. The world could use our insights, especially right now. When HSPs awaken? I see this happening every day. More and more people are emerging to the reality that they are HSPs. There's that Eureka! Moment and then the long pause for, now what? What do I do with this trait? By the latest estimates, there are over two billion HSPs in the world. Although we don't represent a large proportion of the human population, it is not an insignificant number. And even within the HSP population, I don't believe the entire community needs to mobilize. Critical mass could be as simple as a small percentage of HSPs awakening to this purpose. However, as more HSPs become aware of the trait, the greater the possibility for influencing change. And as more and more HSPs "come online," we need to be spreading the message that they also have an evolutionary purpose in addition to their individual life missions. Depending upon the individual, this purpose may be relatively small or large, but the days of apologizing for being highly sensitive are long past. The days of masking the trait are over. We are sensitive for a reason, and now is the time to acknowledge that. This awakening could take a lot of different forms, perhaps, in many ways, unimagined. Maybe, as younger HSPs, those in the millennial or GenZ generations, come to terms with their trait, things will begin to evolve as to correct and proper action. Unlike myself, younger HSPs have a lifetime ahead to assimilate the trait into their lives, which makes a big difference. These younger generations will be "turned on" to this insight earlier in life and can utilize it to organize and affect generational changes. They can and will impact decisions. I see that happening now, not only with HSPs but with those who don't share the trait. The upcoming generations are already aware of needed changes and are savvy enough to demand them. HSPs can and should be in this mix. I do feel the awakening happening. It is a conscious awareness of wrongs done, necessary changes, and plans to be enacted. Yeah, it might also be a spiritual awakening, as many claim, but it is a clarion call to change. Surely underneath, with feet to the ground, the sound of change is coming. And HSPs will be a big part of that. Arising like Cicadas, coming to make some noise in our HSP way. A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High-Sensing Male
I have often spoken of the evils of hegemonic masculinity. Unfortunately, this corrupted form of masculinity is a real thing. Still, it only describes the results of its leading characteristics: unbridled greed, the willingness to exploit and subjugate the helpless or repressed populations, and the almost obsessive accumulation of wealth and power. Hegemonic masculinity describes the outward manifestation of a disease, the traits, and those most likely to promote its spread, but it doesn't explain the causes or the condition. Indigenous people have a word for this disease – Wetiko or Wendigo. It comes from an Algonquin word meaning a malevolent spirit or creature with an insatiable appetite for greed and self-aggrandizement. It is often associated with cannibalism in indigenous lore—a very fitting descriptor for hegemonic masculinity. It seems a perfect description of the incessant pursuit of wealth and exploitation of resources and people we have witnessed for thousands of years across the planet. Most notably the conquest of the Americas by Europeans. This conquest set the cornerstone for this disease in the New World and cemented into global consciousness that greed was good. Capitalism runs amok. What is Wetiko? Wetiko is more than just a mythological creature or spirit; it now is a fitting description of a psycho-social disease that pervades our planet. It has been likened by Paul Levy, author of Wetiko: Healing the Mind-Virus that Plagues Our World, as a virus of the mind and soul, an appropriate contemporary metaphor for the disease. Levy sees this affliction as a dark aspect of human nature marked by domination, subjugation, and exploitation, much like we see in the description of hegemonic masculinity. But, unlike hegemonic masculinity, Wetiko affects more than just wealthy white men. Instead, it is pervasive across cultures around the planet, a rush to grab all that can be taken and exploited for wealth accumulation by a few. Capitalism as we know it has devolved into a Wetiko-like virus that engulfs the minds of many. Regardless of social standing or wealth, the lure or prospect of wealth obsessively drives common people into self-defeating support of leaders who promote the message of profit over people or the planet. The attachment to power lures them to support this self-destructive behavior, and although they have little hope of gaining wealth and power, they dutifully abdicate their only source of power – their vote. They become, in essence, a willing host to perpetuate the virus. This disease has been with us since the dawn of the agricultural age. When production outpaced need and wealth accumulation began in earnest, many became willing hosts to the virus. The addiction to wealth and power spread, well, like a virus. The Concept of Thought Forms and Memes and Antecedents in Biology The idea of a mind virus isn't farfetched in today's world, where real world viruses ravish human populations and alter behavior patterns. After all, we have computer viruses that mimic the work of biological viruses; why not mind viruses? The concept has its roots in ancient religion from Buddhism, Taoism, and Sufism; the ideas of thought forms that stand on their own in physical reality and the idea of shared collective consciousness, along with the interconnectedness of all things, makes a fertile ground for this notion to root. In a more contemporary framework, the Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung describes the collective unconscious as a repository of shared memories and archetypes. It is not much of a stretch to envision mind viruses, like memes, embedded into our consciousness via modern communication supporting themselves off the host and perpetuating across the species as a collective truth, regardless of any objective reality. Like Wetiko, it spreads from host to host, possessing the infected soul with a drive or obsession for greed and a cannibalistic view of all material around the host as something to be consumed. It's gluttony and greed that aids in perpetuating the virus, much at the expense of the unwitting host. The most obvious analogy is to cancer, programmed to proliferate, gobbling up all living matter and eventually killing the host. Ironically, as it takes the host, it produces a coldness within the victim's heart, where heartlessness encourages the desire for more. The Prime Directive for all DNA-based life forms is always to replicate and reproduce. The disease, modern Capitalism, is only satiated when it creates more capital at whatever cost to the environment, people, or the future. In its severe corruption, which is to maximize wealth and self-interest, there is an inherent belief that there is some invisible hand called the marketplace that will keep things in balance, as each participant is blindly pursuing their self-interest. This is the great deception, the veil that hides the virtual protein spike of the virus. Can we defeat the Wetiko? Because of the insidious nature of the mind virus and how cleverly it blinds the victim to its presence, the only antidote is conscious self-awareness. Carl Jung warned of a massive self-delusion turning our powerful creative capacity into self-destruction of the species. At a worldwide scale, the infection is massive. Despite continuous warnings from nature and the "prophets," the world seems to be marching headlong into an extinction event. What other explanation would explain the lemming-like way we are destroying our planet and ourselves through pollution, war, and massive economic inequality? It is a form of collective madness that, if we don't snap out of it soon, we have a dark future ahead, if we have one at all. We need, as HSPs and as humans, to promote the conscious self-awareness mentioned above. I'm not saying that HSPs are different or have special protection against Wetiko. Still, I do believe we share an empathetic awareness of what is happening in the world today. We could be the leaders or at least the messengers or catalysts to create awareness before it's too late. Write, protest, organize, get active and educate yourself and others. Unfortunately, there is only so much time. |
AuthorBill Allen currently lives in Bend, Oregon. He is a certified hypnotist and brain training coach at BrainPilots.com. He believes that male sensitivity is not so rare, but it can be confounding for most males living in a culture of masculine insensitivity which teaches boys and men to disconnect from their feelings and emotions. His intent is to use this blog to chronicle his personal journey and share with others. Archives
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