Passive-aggressive is a label often meted out by non-experts to cubby hole people who may be moody or not willing to talk straight talk, people who are quiet and not assertive or even as a way to manipulate someone else by placing a derogatory label on them. As an HSM, I have been called passive aggressive by those who think my thoughtful and deliberate approach on things is manipulative. Not so. What is passive aggressive behavior anyway? The classical definitions describe this behavior as a passive group of manipulative behaviors used to provide resistance to another or others, mired in moodiness, sarcasm, stubbornness, learned helplessness, blaming, and backhanded compliments or in some way to mask hidden anger. The gist of this seems to be about an inability to process anger in a straight forward and positive, assertive way. Repressed anger, lack of assertiveness. Sound familiar, HSMs? Passive aggressive behavior is learned at home. Children made to feel that anger is something not to be expressed, find ways to allow the inner turmoil to seep out and passive aggressive behavior is one way to do that. It also occurs in families where any honest, straight forward emotional display is discouraged, and again, the child learns coping strategies, that help relieve the internal pressure cooker. Passive aggressive behavior in extreme is defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSMxx) as a disorder, needing therapeutic treatment. In its lesser forms, passive aggressive behavior is more of a failed coping strategy that is more of a distorted approach to getting your point across. It’s a childish behavior, it’s manipulative and it’s catty. The root of passive aggressive behavior is most often stemmed from anger or disappointment, or hurt feelings. The motive for passive aggressive behavior is a subtle type of revenge that is manipulative but not aggressive. Not surprisingly, men and women process anger differently. Men are taught to be more visual, external and aggressive, while woman are taught to suppress their anger and to vent it in more subtle and diffused ways. You would think that the perfect candidates for passive aggressive behavior would be women. But this does not seem to be the case. Because women verbalize more than men about their emotions, they can, in fact, find suitable outlets of expression that don’t lead to aggressive behavior. Conversely, men aren’t always allowed to express aggressive anger, repress the feelings and find passive aggressiveness as way to cope with the anger. But what about HSMs? Because we tend to be less assertive and certainly less aggressive, would this make us candidates for passive aggressive behavior? On the surface that would seem logical, but thinking about one of the hallmarks of HSPs, empathy, it would seem less likely that this behavior would be likely to be implemented. Empathy is a powerful force in its own right. Manipulation of another stems largely from a lack of empathy towards the other. Having the sensitivity to react to our reactions, makes us more likely to consider the outcomes before implementation and our empathetic and sensitive nature makes it unlikely that we would feel good about this strategy. Now with that said, it is not impossible to imagine an HSP using passive aggressive tactics in desperation, but as a long range strategy, it just doesn’t feel right. It does require some disconnection from the “what I say” and “what I do” of the behavior to enact passive aggressively. And this would be the point where HSMs would struggle. Let’s dig a little deeper into the HSM personality that might lead others to label HSPs as passive aggressive. Because HSMs tend to be more connected to their emotional state and are aware of the emotions of those around them, do we tend to get more defensive when emotions run hot? The answer is a resounding yes. We are very sensitive to criticism and as a result this often leads to people pleasing behaviors, some of which are inauthentic. This becomes a point of incongruity for our internal compass. This can be become a disconnect in our communication with others, as we pursue an often idealistic goal of continual peace and harmony with the world. As Dr. Elaine Aron states, “…(HSPs) are naturally more influenced by feedback, and it may even be why we are more emotional generally.” We take that feedback to heart, process it, and at some point take action. The time lag may appear to others to be a form of passive aggressive behavior (shutdown reaction, quiet, not saying what we feel, etc.) We hurt more easily, too. HSPs are not angels. We do have a dark side as well. As men, we still have a drive to act aggressively, even if it is not our nature. Can we formulate strategies to react less aggressively, but still showing passivity and milder aggressiveness? Perhaps, we do show signs of hypercritical evaluation, self flagellation, indecisiveness, irritability, moodiness, need for solitude, naivete, and eccentricity, but taken as a whole is this passive aggressive? I can see where the non-HSP world could see that. But its not, and the key is the motive. Manipulation and revenge are the key motives of passive aggressive behavior and are not major drivers for HSPs. In fact, Dr. Aron points out, “Generally, the research does not point out or show increased activation in HSPs in areas of the brain related to ‘primitive emotion’ …Rather than ‘getting all stirred up’ more than others, we tend to process emotional experiences more in ‘higher’ parts of the brain, the ones designed precisely for emotional regulation.” Anger a swift moving emotion, helps us to set boundaries and protect our rights. For HSPs, this highly charged emotion can leave us in a processing overload. Our reaction are not often swift enough, and hence boundaries can be lost. This is upsetting even for HSPs and can lead to coping strategies that may not be best for our personality type. Sometimes, the non-HSP world see this is passive aggressive without truly understanding what that term means. Slow to anger does not mean the anger is not present. Because we HSMs tend to suppress some of the aggressiveness of anger, we still have to process our reaction to anger. At some point, it will come out. Assertiveness training is helpful and the use of assertiveness strategies is in alignment with HSP values. Most of us never get this type of education. Unfortunate. I know for myself at some point a eruption point occurs and like a volcano the anger explodes unexpectedly. Bad strategy, and for that we get bad labeling. So what can we do? If you show passive aggressive tendencies or what the non-HSP world describes as such, here’s some ways to deal with that:
Thanks for dropping by, until next week… References: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive-aggressive_behavior https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201403/7-reasons-why-people-use-passive-aggressive-behavior http://www.apa.org/monitor/mar03/angeracross.aspx http://www.healthline.com/health/passive-aggressive-personality-disorder#Treatment5 http://www.hsperson.com/pages/2May07.htm http://www.hsperson.com/pages/3Aug05.htm http://hsperson.com/pages/2Feb13.htm
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Special Note: I’m writing this on Thanksgiving Day. I have much to be thankful for, but wanted to mention that I am especially thankful that my oldest son survived a horrific automobile accident on election evening and is going to make a full recovery. I am truly blessed. There will be no blog next week, as I will be in Texas for the funeral of my stepdad who passed last Friday. He was a WWII veteran, a proud and honorable man. He will be missed, God speed, sir. Disappointment, hurt feelings, crushing blows and heartbreak. As sensitive men, our negative feelings seemed to hurt more, feel heavier and last longer. It is a unique and peculiar burden we bear. The depth of feeling has been documented with fMRI scans of HSPs. It is not just imagination, it’s real. We have a tendency to get stuck in our feelings, looking for perfection in ourselves or, perhaps, it’s just in our nature to seek the ultimate truth through feeling. These deep insights mean sometimes we have deep hurts, disappointments or emotional blows that are difficult to get over. Bouncing back from these deep emotions can be challenging for HSMs in a world where men are expected to deflect pain, angst and worries as if they were trifling matters. It doesn’t help that many HSMs are perfectionists and can compound this longevity of feeling, by beating ourselves up with self-criticism for not being more resilient. How HSPs deal with deep emotions differently. I do brain training for a living. I work with a special type of neurofeedback software that allows the brain to become aware of emotionally troubling patterns, based upon the EEG feedback the software receives. When the brain is processing this deep emotional stuff, we often can observe a great deal of activity around 3-5 hz, which we refer to as dirty theta. Since theta is on the lower end of the monitored brainwave activity, this supports the old saying that “stuff rolls downhill.” This deeply felt, deeply processed emotional baggage, often lies below conscious awareness. The brain training helps the brain to become more aware of these patterns to help de-energize them. With HSPs, we tend to process more deeply our emotional stuff and I imagine that a lot of that rolls downhill to that particular “area” in dirty theta. Compound the situation with the fact that HSPs are more empathic creatures and you now have situations where we are not only processing our own deep emotions but carry the load of others around us as well. We share their ‘dirty theta’, absorbing like a sponge the emotional energy of others. This becomes overwhelm by empathy. And because we are processing more deeply these emotions and more completely, we can easily get stuck, sometimes in endless loops of analysis and processing for longer periods of time than most people do. Can the non-HSP world really understand how much we hurt? The answer is mixed on this. Yes, there are those in the non-HSP world that will understand why we process emotion and will be great allies and sympathetic to our tendency to hold on to emotional hurt, pain, rejections, etc. But my guess is that the world largely sees this characteristic in HSMs and HSPs and considers it to be borderline neurotic and/or at least obsessive. Hearing “get over yourself”, “your too sensitive”, “don’t be a wuss”, instills a since of guilt and shame especially for male HSPs, who in spite of their intentions to get over things, just can’t help processing and reprocessing that hurt, pain or heartbreak. And because HSMS don’t readily practice non-HSP means of distraction, such as externalizing our feelings or pain, and redirecting into some socially acceptable, yet temporary fix, like going out on a bender, we naturally shoulder inwardly the pain, replaying and cross examining, what we did wrong. Targets on our backs. This self-flagellation can create low self-esteem in HSMs. Low self-esteem creates a perfect environment to attract the wrong element into our lives. Bullies and narcissists flock to those who they perceive to be weak, and HSMs with low self-esteem can certainly appear to lack confidence and strength to the outside world. It kicks in some kind of reptilian survival function in bullies and they react to manipulate and exploit this perceived weakness in others. This is not only important for HSM boys to be aware of, but as adult HSMs the manipulation and traps abound at work, at home, in love and in society. It’s as if we have a target on our backs. Feeling too much, too deeply, makes us seem weak and ineffectual to those would take advantage of our caring, deep hearts. There are always those in an insensitive world that seem to want to impatiently bully the sensitive ones, to their own subjugation. But, isn’t our strength really in this perceived weakness? Don’t we have something they sorely lack? A depth of feeling beyond their shallow emotional range, an ability to be authenticate in our feeling and the courage to show with it and go with it, beyond their capacity to feel. Aren’t they really just jealous of our broad canvas and deep hues of emotion, which allows us to paint the tapestry, sometimes tortured, of our complex feelings? As we behold and labor over ever stroke of our brush upon the canvas of our feelings. Living through the deep cuts, flowing through the emotion. Authenticity is our kryptonite to a bullying, insensitive world. Remaining genuine to our feelings, however, complex and deep, allowing them to flow through us, is exactly what we were designed to do and to be. Why hide what we are, why shun our true selves? Trying to be another version of masculinity, the manufactured Hollywood version of manhood, is not us. Remember there are real world health consequences to suppressing our natural flow of emotion that will stress our systems, our bodies and minds to a breaking point. Don’t fall into that trap. And when I say emotions, I mean all of them: joy, sorrow, pain, ecstasy, passion, hurt in all its forms, anger, disgust – hold nothing back. Not even tears. Tears were not created for the benefit of the manufacturer of Kleenex, they are natures emotional cleansing fluid. So cry, dammit. Even as men and yes, especially as men, we need to model to our children and to the world, what it means to be authenticate and real with our feelings, our perceptions and our insights. In a world, with muddled instincts, with clouded emotions, with a lack of vision and clarity everywhere, our insights as HSMs are sorely needed now. We need to lead, but lead in our uniquely HSM way. Not to dominate, but to share, instruct, guide and counsel a world that yearns for that balance, that harmony, that depth of feeling. And certainly there is some adapting we have to do for the world, but adaptation does not mean abdication of our true selves, our true roles. The strength of deep feeling, when emotion is a shield. Although, I am convinced that deep feeling is a strength and can yield some amazing insights, sometimes the negative feelings can be too much. It’s important to make sure that as HSMs we validate in some way our emotions, check them with an outside observer – a friend, a family member or trusted other. I know for myself, it’s easy to run wild with emotion and let my over analytical brain create and compound issues, without any external validation. This can help calm and teach your HSP mind to settle down when things get overwhelming. You can be assured that the emotion regardless of how inundating it may seem it, too, will pass in time. Letting it flow over you, knowing you won’t drown with these emotional waves is key to staying true to who you are. Reject any notions of self-destruction within your thoughts, being overly self-critical, not only sets you up as a target, but can serve as fodder for self-berating thinking. Know there is always hope, and surround yourself with hopeful, helpful people, people you trust, who accept you for being you. Your emotional self is in reality your shield. Let it protect you, let it guide you. On a side note: Something I have been thinking about a lot lately is how to create a message for employers that HSPs can be some of the most imaginative and creative employees they have. The need to foster an environment where HSPs thrive is important to getting the most from your HSP staff. HSMs have many drivers in the work place, but I see a simple model of how using these natural drivers would aid HSMs to create novel and unique solutions to work problems. In theme with our message about deep emotions these drivers come naturally to us. First, our attention to detail and observation skills create an awareness about our environment that others might miss. This awareness spurs our creativity and intuition that helps in creating novel solutions. These novel solutions create passion in the HSP which aids in driving towards a solution and its installation. You see, all of these steps, require deep emotional processing. Again, a strength. I’ll have more on this later. Thanks for dropping by, until next week… References: www.eggshelltherapy.com/emotional-intensity/ drtracycooper.wordpress.com/2015/04/08/the-highly-sensitive-person-and-high-empathy/ www.sensitiveevolution.com/sensitive-evolution-library/interpersonal-relationships-hsps/types-of-bullying/ luckyottershaven.com/2015/03/25/the-real-reason-highly-sensitive-people-get-bullied/ www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201411/sensitive-and-strong-can-we-really-be-both Day after the election: What am I feeling right now? It’s midday, the morning after one of the most important presidential elections in US history. My team lost and I'm full of conflicting emotions. Normally, when one of my sports team loses, I go through a period of anger, mourning, resentment, much like a spoiled child. But then time passes and, better faculties prevail and I move towards acceptance and homeostasis. Today feels different, a sinking feeling not only for the loss of my candidate, but a much greater fear for the country and subsequently the world. This is like getting hit in the gut by one of your friends, unexpected and shocking. It’s like dropping over, with wind knocked out of you, and you wait anxiously for that moment of breathlessness to cease and air to rush back into your lungs again. It’s hollow and empty. I know the air will come back, but as I wait, there is that moment when you think: what if it doesn’t? This week’s blog was to have been about dealing with difficult emotions, perhaps, a nod to moodiness, or the perception of moodiness. And i wonder, is it more common in HSMs? How often have HSMs been described as moody guys, or a drama kings because we show more emotion, or react more emotionally than most men do. Sometimes emotions roll out quickly for us and are difficult to mask-- almost automatically the emotional reaction is present. With most guys anger is the dominant visible emotion. But what about showing shock, fear, joy or sorrow? And when you do, do you shutdown, withdraw or cover up difficult emotions. Is it a sign of weakness to show fear, sadness, or surprise? Is it less manly? Does context matter, or is it all about bucking up and remaining stoic no matter the situation. Are difficult mood swings moodiness? My difficult emotions are hurt, shock and surprise. For example, when a conversation is going along at a measured pace with a friend, family member or love interest and suddenly the timbre of the conversation changes abruptly and gets unexpectedly tense; I almost go into a state of shock and confusion. Some people claim I shut down or become moody. My mood does change, but mostly without my conscious awareness. It might even take some time to recover and re-balance afterwards. However, during that moody stage, I am sometimes completely withdrawn as thoughts race through my mind, wondering what went wrong and what did I say. This state of mind makes me a lousy debater and in the heat of an argument, almost defenseless. Is this moodiness? What makes up the “Moody Guy” syndrome? Is this something I really have control of, or is it operating at the speed of unconscious thought? Is this reactionary thinking or a protective response? So much of mood, is impacted by biochemical elements. Since so much of moodiness is predicated by anxiety, and anxiety affects neurochemistry, which in turn triggers behavioral shifts (moods), is this just a rapid fire physiological reaction to mind impacting stress? And as an HSP male am I more prone to this because of my enhanced sensory make up? Lots of questions few answers. Some people would argue that it has shared characteristics with bi-polar disorder. Sometimes the mood shifts have a similar intensity as bi-polar shifts, but the duration, especially for me is not nearly as pronounced. It can be over fairly quickly; still the impact is clear and immediate. To the person I am interacting with it can be very confusing. Now before the alarms go off, the instances of this happening are not as frequent as you might imagine, and although the intensity seems severe, it is more likely to be considered as moderate or even mild. As I get older, I am also learning to moderate these feelings and observe them as they occur. Often, men don’t seem to have the hormonal card to play with extreme moods, but lately I have been learning of the male version of PMS, referred to as Irritable Male Syndrome or IMS. Many men, especially older men, report lower testosterone levels as they age. There is some evidence that lower testosterone effects mood in men. This could cause some men to show grumpiness, anger or other outwardly focused emotions as their testosterone levels drop. In fact, it might even increase sensitivity, anxiety and frustration. Sound familiar, HSM brothers? Other factors might include drops in the brain neurotransmitter, serotonin, which can affect how we feel. This is often affected by diet. Stressors in life, stress associated with male identity, including what it means to be a man in the twenty-first century, all can contribute to changes in mood for men. I suspect this might be amplified for HSMs. What’s so difficult about sharing these feelings? These mood changes sometimes, especially, for HSMs are difficult to share. As noted before, the emotions are not often ones that are easily expressed or accepted as emotions men express easily, which can make it difficult for others to understand or accept. I wonder if keeping this under wraps is a function of a learned response or some innate trait that is characteristic of HSMs. Nevertheless, this can be difficult to express and can make us seem moody and overly dramatic to other men and especially to women who may find it a turnoff to be around man this moody. Why moodiness is seen as such a negative trait. If you go to online dating sites, one of the most common characteristics listed by potential partners is the desire to avoid “drama” in relationships. I have never quite figured that out yet, because everyone’s definition of drama is different. For some, the slightest element of negative emotion sends them running for cover, while others extreme emotion is what drives them away. Regardless, real drama is based on life, and life, like it or not is full of emotion. The term drama too me is a turn off. Anything resembling moodiness, conjures up negativity in many people and they like to avoid it at all costs. What I have observed is that those who are most attuned to moodiness, are the ones who generally are the most moody, yet can’t see it themselves. It’s a classic projection scenario. Perhaps, the prevailing attitude is that moody people are not in control of their negatives emotions. I realize that in some cases this is true, but in other cases there’s more than what appears on the surface. The confusion may be that moodiness and say, bi-polar are often misunderstood to be the same things. Perhaps, someone from the judging person’s past, had other personality issues, bi-polar, or borderline personality disorder and now everyone with the appearance of moodiness is now a sick puppy, to be avoided at all costs. Especially for men the externalization of these difficult moods is not considered desirable. A man that shows these tendencies shows a certain finickiness and similarity to a type of hormonal driven emotion that is often attributed to PMS and to negative feminine moodiness. Well, guys can have this too. Combine that with the emotional processing capabilities of HSM males and well, moodiness happens. How to deal with temperamental emotional swings. I think the main thing here is to try and be mindful of what is happening within in your own head. So much of the emotional reaction is automatic and unconscious. Nevertheless, thoughts are associated with those feelings, so putting a “thought-catcher” to examine them carefully will help slow down the runaway train. This is a trained response and not one that is native to most of us HSMs. It requires attention and focus and repetition. We often want to run with our wild emotions, but sometimes need to train them instead. Attention, capture, examine and release. Get clear on what moodiness is for you. Don’t confuse needing downtime as being moody. As an HSP you need that time to recharge. You will always need that time and you will not be able to change that part of you. Accept that about yourself. Then there are the physical things, sleep, diet, exercise and in your quiet time, a meditative practice of your choosing will help. For men, get your testosterone levels checked. It’s important for a number of health reasons, not just for your emotions. And as always, if this gets too stressful, too difficult, too overwhelming…get help. Is this native to HSM(P)s? I don’t know that there is any study out there that says if you are an HSP you will be a moody person. From my own experience, that seems to be the case. However, we are all different, coming from different backgrounds, different genetic heritage and different environments and that can affect your mileage on this. As more studies are done with HSPs, as we learn more, there will be a greater understanding of the complexity of highly sensing people. For now, expect to be labeled as moody at times, depends largely on the crowd you are associated with. Looking for the right people to be with. Finally, I think as an HSP and an HSM, it is important to be selective in who you hang out with. Your inner circle should understand you and your traits and accept them for what they are. This doesn’t mean being around only HSPs, but rather those people who see you for the special person you are and understand at times to them you might be challenging. But as I once told an ex-girlfriend, the same guy that you complain about mood swings and being too sensitive, is the same guy that writes you beautiful love poems and buys you flowers for no reason. It’s all part of the package. Thanks for dropping by, until next week… References: www.psychologytoday.com/blog/bipolar-you/201201/are-you-bipolar-or-just-moody www.webmd.com/men/features/irritable-male-syndrome-high-on-stress#1 www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/symptoms/moodiness contributors.healthline.com/family/7-secrets-keeping-irritable-male-syndrome-wrecking-your-relationship Depression in my genes? As I sit here, this week, penning this blog, I am experiencing an old familiar feeling. It’s a lonely, dark feeling; mostly void, but strong enough to register on the emotion scale. It comes and goes as sadness, as disappointment, a feeling left behind. It’s not debilitating, I don’t curl up under a table, I don’t cry, but I do feel it in my body and way deep in my mind. It’s hard to express in words, it’s mostly a body sensation, like pushing down from my eyelids down through my shoulders and cratering in my chest cavity. Is this depression? My father before he died of a massive coronary, spent time in the hospital, in a dark place. Fearful and absent of hope, he battled his own demons. He was diagnosed with depression. It tormented him and eventually, I believe caused his death. He struggled with a small business, a growing family and responsibilities that exceeded his capacities to cope. I see the same in one of my children, and possibly the early formation in one of my grandchildren. All the aforementioned individuals are or were HSPs. The question I have is, is depression more likely in HSPs or is this simply a particular genetic component that gets passed from one generation to the next? This insidious disease – is it just chemistry or it is wayward thoughts? Research seems to indicate that depression does have a genetic component, at least a propensity for depression. It’s not necessarily a single gene, but could in fact be a suite of genes that causes depression. Of course, there are always environmental factors and it would seem that personality would influence this as well. Because of the tendency for HSPs to feel things more intensely, it stands to reason that we would be more prone to overwhelm with melancholy. But is it just deep, wayward thoughts that trigger this disease --just feelings gone awry. We all have on occasion experienced sadness and disappointment and loss. Yet, for the majority of people who experience sadness, recovery is inevitable and they eventually bounce back. So clearly there is more to it than just incorrect thinking. By now I think it’s pretty clear (watch the commercials on the evening news) that there is a chemical deficiency in the brain that can lead to depression. The pharmaceutical industry has stepped in to provide a pharmacopeia of medicines to battle depression, and has provided an array of anti-depressant meds to numb and calm and flatten the experience for depressive individuals. I have tried these meds and found that they via chemical manipulation remove a whole host of other feelings good and bad. It’s like applying weed killer to your lawn, killing the weeds and your grass as well. I got off of them as quickly as I could. For an HSP, losing touch with feelings is losing touch with self. Our feelings are how we experience the world. When feeling more sucks – HSMs and depression Yet as HSMs we do feel more than most. Our highs are pretty ecstatic and our lows are fairly intense. Almost sounds bi-polar, doesn’t it? But is depression a natural consequence of experiencing life with more depth, more feeling and emotion? Would this hint that HSPs are more likely to become depressed than, say the other eighty per cent of the population? Do we swing lower down near the dark waters of loneliness, despair and emptiness? Is that also caused by some genetic component or a switch that allows us to “paint” with more of the emotional palette humans experience? Do we open ourselves more to the darker feelings because we can or because we have no choice? Mix in our natural propensity to overthink situations and it would be easy to see how this level of intensity could cause depressive episodes in HSPs. Can empathy cause depression? Not to pile on here, but add our unusual capacity for empathy, to absorb the feelings of others and you can be certain that at some point overwhelm is lurking just over our shoulders. Even feeling bad about feeling bad, how our sadness affects others, can be a cause of concern. Perhaps, being too empathetic can lead to some of the characteristics of depression, but I really wonder if it can actually cause depression. Empathy is a survival tool mostly seen in mammals-- social creatures, where collective good is paramount to surviving. It would seem that nature, would have not devised this characteristic if it could be used to undermine the individual’s wellbeing. As HSPs, this is one of greatest assets. Yet, if all the ingredients arrive at the same place at the same time: genetics, bio-chemistry, cognitive distortion and personality type (i.e., HSP), you could bake up some serious depression. Where in your body do you feel it? I have always felt this feeling somewhere in my body. It’s just lately that I have begun to pay attention to it. It comes and goes, but I always know in my body when it arrives. Some people feel emotion associated with depression in there chest area; others feel small and compressed; still others feel it in their shoulders, much like a weight; or a burning inside; or emptiness, like the void. I feel it in my chest and throat, a sinking, tingling sensation. Sometimes it rises from my chest area, and then sinks down into my solar plexus. It’s distinct, like a signal flag in a desert. And it can be ephemeral, coming and going without warning. There’s something very visceral about depression or feeling sadness. The downing is felt in the body as well as in the head. It blankets you, wraps you tightly and not in a comforting filling you with a tight uneasiness. Which is why I think it’s so hard to escape it. Riding through the avalanche, completing the arc… Now for the topic of coping and dealing with depression. As stated previously, this is an insidious and potentially dangerous disease. Weathering the storm can be tricky and trying to remain objective in your own head about what’s going on, is a best at fool’s errand. Riding down the avalanche alone can leave you buried alive, slowly suffocating from the weight of forces greater than yourself. There are a myriad of ways of coping, some simple and easy to do – diet, exercise, relaxation techniques, and taking natural supplements. Others require a great deal of work and connection with someone trained to help – therapy, medicines, and learning new skills designed to help overcome the overwhelm. I found a great article here with some useful tips and suggestions. Whatever the case, riding down the emotional arc of life, requires a completion of sorts. Returning to a place that’s neutral or even better, a place of peace, will complete the ride. For HSMs it’s all a part of our great adventure. We sample emotions like a truck driver at an all-night buffet. It’s easy to get caught up in our own experiences and not realize that most of the world isn’t even aware of what we are processing. We’ve learned that sharing too much, can be exposing too much, and so we hide in our own world of emotion. This is especially true for the negatively branded emotions. The ones men are not supposed to discuss. It’s time to be mindful, particularly of those troubling emotions, acknowledge them, share them and process them. We too, have to paint with the dark colors sometimes, to bring the light colors out on the canvas. And it is often our interpretation of that darkness that sheds light for others who suffer likewise, but can’t express with our depth of processing. So, I take comfort in writing this down. I know now in my heart, that I will survive the avalanche. When not to be alone in the lonely dark void As a parting word, if you are truly alone and are facing the void of depression, reach out and get help. HSMs are just as likely as others when facing difficult depressive states, to think the unthinkable and to lose hope. We are cautious creatures by nature, but in the depth of darkness, release from these oppressive feelings can present in many unsavory forms. Realize there is help out there and that you are not alone. Remember, we need all HSMs on deck now. Your life is important. Thanks for dropping by, until next week… References: www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/what-is-depression www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3077049/ www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/21/what-depression-feels-like_n_5696227.html hsperson.com/suicide-and-high-sensitivity/ Early rite of passage or coping tool Well, I’m running late on the blog this week, largely because my son and his girlfriend came up from Los Angeles to visit. We spent a week of hanging out at night, visiting the local breweries and restaurants and I must confess, I drank a wee bit more this week than I normally do. Which is a perfect segue to this week’s topic of HSMs and strong drink. I have had my fair share of spirits during the course of my life, often to simply celebrate, sometimes to fill a void, frequently as a social lubricant, and very seldom to improve my mood. Growing up in the Southeastern United States, where drinking is sport and young men are often required to prove manliness by the quantity of alcohol consumption, I was baptized in this rite of passage during the early days of high school. Alcohol is the great social leveler and for brief moments made me equal to the socially adept. It was so wretched to me that I began a second vice, that of cigarette smoking to combat the bitter and often burning taste of alcohol. It was at the time a seemingly fair trade to help a tall and skinny, pimply faced young man gain social confidence amongst peers. I drank -- I got confidence and, an inner personality emerged that was affable and full of social grace. At least until I, as all young men do, overconsumed and promptly deposited my day’s food intake into the back seat of my best friend’s parents’ car. Not cool, but repeated again and again, until the lesson of moderation was learned. But, all this really said about me was that I was prone to overwhelm, to shyness and to social awkwardness, and that I believed that I needed to consume some external substance to make me more of what I thought the world wanted from me…the nerve to be cool. I am sure that many young men and young women face similar challenges, but as an HSM, these seem so much more exaggerated internally, and alcohol seemed to offer comfort and relief. When overwhelm seems too much, does alcohol really help? As HSPs and particularly HSMs, we often pretend to be not overwhelmed by our environment so as to fit in and to project being in control. However, since our nervous systems are keenly and tightly wound, we feel and experience sensory information much more intensely than some of our peers. It’s hard to process what we feel and what we sense without some coping mechanism. For many HSMs alcohol serve that purpose. Just look around at the world of art, music and creativity. How many great artists mire themselves in addictive habits of substance abuse to quell the waves of emotions, expectations and demands of their creative endeavors? Many of these creative creatures are HSPs and in particular HSMs. The burden of being misunderstood and feeling too much becomes being too much and at some point there is a crossing of a threshold that drives the need for quick, albeit temporary relief. The price that is paid is often devastating, and the damage greater than bearing the burden unassisted or alone. Turning an HSM introvert into a raving extrovert As stated earlier, one of the primary reasons I started drinking alcohol was to disinhibit myself in social interactions. It made me more comfortable and talkative. It was easy for me to make small talk, to be a bit more casual and speak my mind. I was more like an extrovert. And for those times at parties, celebrations, gatherings - that was a convenient persona to take on. I could mingle; I could be loud and yes, a bit cocky. As HSPs we are typically not risk takers. So fully engaging in drinking behavior, makes us feel like we are being a bit edgy and it pushes us to poke at our own boundaries. Yet, we tend to be more sensitive to the effects of alcohol and more easily pay the price of over imbibing. But, alas, plow ahead we do, at least some of us. We feel the social pressures to drink more intensely, and conform to please. That offers an altered state of our personality helping with the anxiety of social overload. Forgive me for generalizing, but visualize the bespectacled, quiet admin or the nerdy computer tech at the annual Christmas party cutting loose on the dance floor and propositioning half of the room. Yes, it could get dangerous. But it doesn’t have to be. Tamping down versus numbing So, what is really going on here? Are we really trying to change our personalities to fit in? Or is there some effort to tamp down or numb down some internal pain, anxiety or fear that we feel that we can’t overcome otherwise. Is overwhelm so poorly misunderstood among HSPs, that we follow a path that is neither natural nor safe for us to follow? Since many HSPs are introverts, (not all, but most), and introverts tend towards some degree of self-loathing at some point in their lives -- which can lead to depression. What are the dangers that substance abuse can become problematic for introverted HSMs? It appears that there is a correlation between alcohol abuse and depressed introverts. Sadly it’s strong enough to raise eyebrows and flag as a warning. I think this is especially true for HSMs who easily panic, get anxious or are otherwise uncomfortable in social situations. Again, yet another thing to be cautious about as HSMs. Dealing with our stuff All in all, I think we need to continue down the path of owning our stuff. This notion that we are so fragile and prone to overwhelm, although not overstated, needs to be ameliorated in ways that allows us to function in the world more comfortably. The idea that we can control everything in our environment tends to box us in, retards spontaneity and limits us in so many ways. Having that drink at the office party or loosening up at the company picnic or family gathering with a beer or a glass of wine is a way of coping with heightened sensitivity. Granted it shouldn’t be our go to solution for every life challenge, but occasionally bellying up to the bar, could actually teach us about our inner selves. Alcohol can introduce us to an alternate reality as it were. It can teach us how to overcome fear, to let loose and celebrate with others, especially our non-HSP family and peers. In the end, our nature is different. I think we have a gift, but one that is very high maintenance. The people around us feel it; we feel it and can easily set us apart, which creates isolation. Conclusion Celebrations with alcohol can bring us to together. It can open us up to the world. But it has to be used with respect and caution. Granted, it’s not for everyone. It can be used as way to ease into social situations that might otherwise challenge us. It’s not so much the alcohol, but the context in which it is used. I see no problem using a drink or two to alleviate and relax what many see as a difficult, but not life threatening situation. Conversely, I don’t advocate its use as a way to numb pain, depression or deep seated anxiety. There are better ways to tend to those problem areas. I think we all know that. As for myself, I will continue to be a social drinker. I’m older now, know my limits and boundaries and stay within them. I like the little buzz of a slightly altered state, the relaxed calming feeling of a few drinks. My HSP characteristics, and a cautious, risk averse nature, keeps me from over indulging. It’s a good balance. I would think there are many of you out there who would agree. Cheers. Thanks for dropping by, until next week… References: www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-introverts-corner/200912/introverts-and-parties-just-add-alcohol growinghumankindness.com/highly-sensitive-sugar-addict/ www.sirc.org/publik/drinking6.html www.nytimes.com/health/guides/disease/alcoholism/print.html HSMs and conflict avoidance I have never dealt with conflict very well. With males conflict is often the only way to settle things. Whether that constitutes violence or overly aggressive behavior, it often results in determining male pecking order. Conflict avoidance is often a big deal with HSMs. We are caught between our egos, our cultural programming and our natural tendency to be overwhelmed with the tidal wave of emotions surrounding argument or conflict. It’s not an easy place to be. I’m not sure if the problem is a deep seeded fear of being physically hurt, i.e., getting punched, or the guilt of hurting someone else or even having in the end to say we are sorry for even going down that path. But I know for me, the minute conflict arises, and man, do we ever know when that happens, the brain starts to go into scramble mode. Sensory data is flooding in and our thoughtful processing ceases to function, the feeling of freezing up occurs and the inability to act calmly and collectedly shuts down. In other words, we become overwhelmed. The brain shutting down in mid argument does not show well in conflict situations. That too is an embarrassment. Often we take the high ground for defensive reasons or employ other tactics, many of which are ineffective. Passive aggressive behavior as a failed strategy in conflict situations I know for myself that often I go into a habituated withdrawal, which of course is seen as being passive- aggressive. Perhaps, that’s true, by all definitions, but seems a bit broadly defined, when one is acting in a defensive posture, as opposed to purposeful manipulation. Another label might be cowardly, especially for men. Either way, both labels, have negative connotations, and perhaps, highlight the fact that it is almost universally agreed that conflict avoidance is a failed strategy for dealing with differences. Retreating from conflict to avoid conflict is dooming the HSM to a life of fear of facing the raw emotions associated with heated “debate.” Yeah, we get overwhelmed, but the impacts are huge. Relationships, business dealings, online interactions, political debates with friends and family, work and home environments are all affected. So, yes, it’s a big deal. But how does conflict avoidance make us overly dramatic or passive-aggressive? The cultural ideal/role model for men shows little or no emotion, except in anger – where the alpha male, warrior/protector emerges. Being overwhelmed in conflict, well, makes you, shall we say, less than ideal or less than masculine (the Barney Fife syndrome). Like Barney we don’t have any bullets in our gun. However, avoiding conflict is also avoiding practice at working out life’s little dramas. Make a footnote of that. As for myself, when pushed I will defend my territory or my position, but I don’t actively seek conflict. When the buttons are pushed; I tend to overreact, which of course, makes it all seem overly dramatic. The reality on conflict I have a perfectionist view with my ego, which has hampered my whole life experience. I don’t like positioning myself for failure. To me, arguments mean failure, so I simply avoid them at all costs. The reality is that life is full of conflict. Conflict is life, life is drama, and drama is conflict. Allowing fear to drive avoidance of conflict is not living life. Conflict is an inevitable part of life and should not be avoided. This is considered to be the healthy response by most psychologists I have talked with over the years. Face the fear of conflict, experience the emotion and without trying to conquer your antagonist, express yourself. Meet the emotion head on, use pauses to allow your brain to catch up and work towards a common resolution and peace again --the part we’re really good at it. But sometimes it would really be nice to be like those quick witted TV crime drama attorneys who relish courtroom conflict and do so with great aplomb. Dealing with conflict constructively as an HSM There are probably good HSM lawyers, real or scripted, who have practiced the art of conflict resolution enough to be expert at it, but for the most of us, I’m betting this is an ongoing life challenge. Again, I don’t see this as an overall trait for weakness, but more of vulnerability, like the tender under belly of a predator cat. We as HSM males (and I realize I don’t speak for all HSMs), must deal with this in an honest and authenticate way. Realizing at times we have to adapt to life as it comes to us. Allow ourselves to express our anger, dismay and disagreement, but then breathe and pause, being honest and true to our beliefs and feelings. Perhaps, even in the heat of battle, turning off the empathy long enough to make our point. After all, in the end it is sometimes good to think about yourself first. Approaching conflict in a philosophical way There are many good books out there about conflict resolution – strategy, approach, philosophy and technique. One I have from way back was a book called, The Art of Verbal Self Defense, by Dr. Suzanne Haden Elgin. Maybe just a basic primer, but a good book for HSPs. Speaking of self-defense, a good strategy might also be to take classes in Aikido, a martial art that emphasizes a non-violent approach to disarming your attacker. It’s a good way to stay mindful and train the mind and the body to reacting to and handling aggressive conflict seeking individuals in a manner consistent with HSP values. Of course, mindfulness training, meditation and doing some form of brain training (more on this in a later post) are also, good ways of learning to slow down the mind under duress. Conclusion I acknowledge that these strategies and comments will not readily appeal to the 80 per cent non-HSP male population, but it is going against grain for HSP males to conform to a strategy that is aggressive and conquering. We disavow our purpose if we accept and adhere to an unnatural position in conflict; draining energy from ourselves simply to comply with old traditional ways of resolving conflict. The use of non-violent energy to diffuse conflict is more natural for us and works towards our evolutionary purpose. Think of all the great religious teachers as examples. It does not make us wimpy or wusses to take this approach. Good leadership focuses on apprising situations and looking for a best approach on common grounds. Besides, look at where aggressive violent strategies have gotten us today. We may not always win, if winning is the objective, but protecting ourselves from negative energy, diffusing a bad situation and working towards a common solution is what we do best and what the planet needs – right now. Be proud of who you are HSMs. Thanks for dropping by, until next week… References: www.lifeworkshelp.com/HSP-Newsletter/hsps-conflict-from-resistance-to-successful-resolution/ www.psychologytoday.com/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201307/the-passive-aggressive-conflict-cycle www.psychologytoday.com/blog/making-your-team-work/201310/4-tips-overcome-your-conflict-avoidance-issue phoenixmenscounseling.com/blog/2014/09/29/conflict-avoidance-creates-conflict/ www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201211/what-makes-conflict-how-are-conflicts-resolved Do sports and the HSP male mix well?
As I have gotten older, I have mellowed on my love all things related to University of North Carolina athletics. I never attended the school but was born in the state, Alumni via propinquitate. My children truly feared a Carolina loss, and often hid when they could see things going south. We laugh about it now, but I’m sure it was terrifying seeing the old man, rant at amplitude for a missed free throw or a squandered scoring opportunity. That was about as freewheeling with my emotions as I got. And I would let loose. Today, not so much, I am more tempered by age and realize, wisely, the going ons of twenty something athletes, is nothing to get bent up about. And in my reflection, I wonder, as an older HSP male, why I allow this to happen in the first place. After all what is a fan, but an emotional fanatic? As sport fans, HSP or non-HSP, we are tragically tied to the fates of our teams. I mean, a fan is a fanatic and typically emotionally vested in the outcome of their favorite team’s performance. We all become emotional; we all channel the inner HSP, full of rich, deep and strong emotion viewing our sporting event of choice. Of course, fueled by alcohol or some other such social lubricant, we can intensify that emotion, making the small fan into a large and emboldened FAN. As HSMs we can overcome our reluctance for emotional public display, by joining in with others, like minded fans, shout and scream, rant and rave and feel like part of something bigger. Perhaps for some HSMs the roar of the crowd, the rowdiness of seatmates, the blaring bands, the PA blasting is a bit much in person, but safer to follow on the big screen at home, with the touch of a remote control. Even still, I have often found that moments of heart pounding sports action, can find me slipping into another room, waiting on the outcome, signaled by the crowds roar or silence, to clue me in on the outcome. Not being able to watch is throttling my support, I suppose, but makes it easier. Nevertheless, being a fan can be linked to feelings of well-being, happiness, less loneliness and isolation, by giving you community, a common communication language, an inner generational connection, and the freedom to express emotion in public with reckless abandon, especially for men. Maybe even more so for HSMs. Following a team is like begin in love, n'est-ce pas? It really is like being in love. The range of emotions is almost identical. Up and down with a team’s fortunes, heartbreak and ecstasy, winning and losing, sometimes all in a neat two hour drama or a months long season. And at the end of the season, if your team makes the final round of action, you either soar into the following year with a victory or you sink with disappointment in a loss that lingers and is re-triggered with every Sportscenter highlight or YouTube video clip. It can be agonizing. So why would an HSM male, put themselves through this. Typically, we are not the best athletes. We are not often drawn to competitive sport, as players or as viewers (alright maybe more of the latter). Why do some of us do this? A place to vent, be aggressive and walk out with all of your teeth / or releasing the beast within. Like most young males, HSM males, are socialized into sport. It is the manly thing to do, to engage in competition, to test our strength against other males, to foster the warrior within and to progress towards a masculine archetype, defined by our culture. It is the staging area to grow the ambiguous boy and transform him into the man society expects him to be. Right. Sport, especially in America is a place to vent, to be aggressive and to release the inner beast within – doing it in nice timed quarters, with zebra shirted referees, and then to return to the real world as a hero, or at least role model. Again, right. The paradox of watching violent sports and being a sensitive male. As HSMs we generally refrain from violence as a first resort, but watching particularly violent sports, such as hockey, football and even baseball would seem to be the antithesis of what HSMs would find entertaining. But you can’t take the HSM out of the context of the culture we reside in. In America, football is religion, and no one can say this sport is not about snot knocking violence. As fans we hoot and holler about a great hit, a bone jarring tackle or a bruising run by a halfback. And many studies have shown that violence modeled even for adults watching away from the action, can lead to violence away from the game. Where does that lead HSM sport fans? Is this some vestige of our early childhood training? Are we proving our manhood by watching or participating in such games or are we simply getting along to save face with our male cohorts? It would seem not to make sense, but I know there are many among us, myself included that pass through this ritual every Fall. As George Orwell describes it, “Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play. It is bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, disregard of all rules, and sadistic pleasure in violence. In other words, it is war without shooting.” How can we not be affected by it? Where is the balance? Does sensitivity affect athletic ability? As for the athletes involved, how many of them are HSMs? If HSMs are twenty percent of the population it stands to reason, that there has to be some of the college and pro athletes representing. And if so, how does that affect their sports performance? Does criticism mess with their heads, hence impacting performance? Do they get TOO emotional during losses or during stages of defeat that would impact the team? Or are they more passionate, more driven, and more conscientious about their game and tend to excel? I can’t imagine there being any mutual exclusivity to being sensitive or highly sensing and athletic ability. In fact, many top athletes are not above showing that sensitivity in reflection of a completed game/match/meet. I would point to athletes that show a great deal of passion and compassion, as possible HSM model athletes – Michael Jordan, Tim Tebow, LeBron James, and Tiger Woods. I still love sports. Regardless, of where you stand on this topic, since HSM males are a wide spectrum, and yes I believe that HSPness goes from moderate sensitivity to extreme sensitivity, we males can fall out anywhere on that strata. I can’t speak for the whole, but I can say for me, I still love sports. I play less of the team variety these days, but love to participate when I can. I do watch my teams and vicariously enjoy their success and failures. I does put me in touch with something greater, a sense of belonging (even remotely), and I do relish that. But, I do wonder sometimes, how I can be so variegated with HSM interests – art, music, writing, spirituality and enjoying the natural wonders around me; and still be drawn to combative, competitive, and yes, sometimes violent world of sports. Perhaps, it’s my blood type – type O. A friend told me that type O is an ancient hunter-gatherer blood type. Maybe that predisposes me toward some instinctive bloodletting activities. Who knows. I know this, I’ll be tuned in this Saturday for college football, my day to raise hell and ride that wild roller coaster of emotion. As we used to say in the South, see ya’ll there. Go Heels! Thanks for dropping by, until next week… References: www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/30/sports-fan-mental-health-benefits_n_6565314.html www.ukessays.com/essays/psychology/effects-of-violence-in-sports-psychology-essay.php www.wbur.org/cognoscenti/2014/03/18/sports-violence-psychology-leonard-l-glass https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-shrink-tank/201201/the-crying-game-male-athletes-shedding-tears |
AuthorBill Allen currently lives in Bend, Oregon. He is a certified hypnotist and brain training coach at BrainPilots.com. He believes that male sensitivity is not so rare, but it can be confounding for most males living in a culture of masculine insensitivity which teaches boys and men to disconnect from their feelings and emotions. His intent is to use this blog to chronicle his personal journey and share with others. Archives
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