 A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High-Sensing Male
As we age, we change. That is a fact of life. Aging brings about a change in perceptions, physiology, and personalities. But, unfortunately, there is a price to pay for our wisdom and accumulated experience. Wear and tear on our bodies; that's the human way. HSPs are no different. Our bodies age like everyone else, with the attendant changes and erosion of long-held capabilities. But do we, as highly sensitive people, have changes in our sensitivity as we grow older? That question was looked at in a 2019 study from Japan. Does high sensitivity change with age? A single study. The study suggested that several personality traits on the Big Five Personality test change as we age. Those traits, openness, and neuroticism, appear to change inversely in older adults, with openness growing and neuroticism declining as people age. The study's authors correlated three HSP traits: 1) low sensory threshold, 2) ease of excitation, and 3) aesthetic sensitivity (deemed spirituality in the study) to the Big Five traits noted above. In addition, it was stated in previous studies that openness tends to increase with age and that neuroticism declines with age. In the HSP study, the attributes of low sensory threshold and ease of excitation were correlated with the personality trait of neuroticism. In addition, the HSP attribute of aesthetic sensitivity was associated with openness. The authors hypothesized that the HSP traits would follow the aging patterns seen in the Big Five traits. The study's conclusion bore out the hypothesis and suggested that some of the HSP traits decline or increase depending upon the attribute as we age. Why this makes sense. Because we lose sensory processing ability as we age, this makes sense. Those traits that correlate with sensory inputs would understandably lose ability with aging due to diminished capacity in older individuals. The HSP cycle of perception often begins with the processing of sensory data; if that capacity is declining, then naturally, our excitation and the low sensory threshold would be impacted. The study seems to confirm that they both appear to decline with age. Conversely, the aesthetic sensitivity trait increased with age, corresponding to the findings about openness linearly increased with age in previous studies. Aesthetic sensitivity is a higher-order emotional processing trait, as is spirituality, which is typically internally processed and seems to mature with age. With added experience, you might conclude that this internal processing would be enhanced with increased age. That makes sense. The conclusion suggests these attributes may change over time (aging) based on the task and the environment. These may affect the outcomes and make generalizing the conclusion more problematic. More study is needed. The Study The study surveyed approximately 1900 Japanese adults measured across three dimensions of sensory processing sensitivity noted, and participants were of a wide range of ages. Although this is a single study, it's worth noting. The authors suggested that improvements to future studies could include longitudinal studies, increasing the number of aspects studied, and doing more cross-cultural studies to factor out cultural biases. My Observations I have often wondered if personality doesn't change over time, with the increased experience and effects from environmental factors. This would include SPS. One question for the HSP study is whether high sensitivity diminishes over time or becomes ameliorated with experience and life adjustments. I know in my own experience, as I age, it seems that I have mellowed on some of the more extreme emotions/reactions that would have been more pronounced and visible at an early age. However, I am not suggesting that the trait completely changes. No, I believe it stays as constant as anything can with the passage of time. Still, we need more studies to support the idea that the core attributes remain with us throughout our lives but may gain or decline based on physical aging, how we learn to cope with some of the challenges HSPs face, and how we develop strategies to thrive. What do you think?
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 A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High-Sensing Male
If you've ever lived anywhere in a temperate to tropical climate, you've likely heard the loud mating calls of the insect Cicadidae, more popularly known as Cicadas. These winged insects emerge annually or, in the case of the Magicicada, every thirteen to seventeen years to mate, make a big splash with loud mating calls, and then die. The eggs they produce give way to burying nymphs which become the next generation, waiting patiently underground until the next cycle begins. I mention this locust-like insect not so much because those qualities remind me of HSPs, but rather their predictable emergence from what would seem like a long slumber to return to fulfill an evolutionary purpose. However, the reality is that they never left but were submerged to seem oblivious to the outside world, only to return at the right interval—the right time. Perhaps, this is a stretch, but the Cicada effect, as I'm describing, is when an animate species seemingly asleep reemerges for a short, pointed mission, then blends back into the earth, waiting on the next right time. So, strangely, HSPs could be emerging now, during a time in human history, to perform a needed function. Less obnoxious and less noisy than Cicadas but more important to the evolution of our species. And, although we don't literally fall asleep, we can often seem dormant until we have our cautionary role kicks in. What role do HSPs play? A question that many HSPs ask is, what role do we play for humanity? Dr. Elaine Aron alludes to the idea that nature has created a small part of the human population – us, to provide thoughtful, cautious inputs into decision-making where we perform roles as wise counselors or as a priestly function. Our deep-thinking natures, natural nurturing, and empathetic tendencies make us ideal advisors to the warriors and kings and counselors to the general population. The world is turning at an ever-faster pace, and decisions seem less thoughtful and less insightful by our leaders and decision-makers. There seems to be less effort to think long-term, consider consequences, and not seek parity or equity in decisions. HSPs could make a difference here. But to be recognized, we need to recognize these qualities in ourselves. We need to own our traits and employ them in our interactions with others, especially those in leadership positions. The world could use our insights, especially right now. When HSPs awaken? I see this happening every day. More and more people are emerging to the reality that they are HSPs. There's that Eureka! Moment and then the long pause for, now what? What do I do with this trait? By the latest estimates, there are over two billion HSPs in the world. Although we don't represent a large proportion of the human population, it is not an insignificant number. And even within the HSP population, I don't believe the entire community needs to mobilize. Critical mass could be as simple as a small percentage of HSPs awakening to this purpose. However, as more HSPs become aware of the trait, the greater the possibility for influencing change. And as more and more HSPs "come online," we need to be spreading the message that they also have an evolutionary purpose in addition to their individual life missions. Depending upon the individual, this purpose may be relatively small or large, but the days of apologizing for being highly sensitive are long past. The days of masking the trait are over. We are sensitive for a reason, and now is the time to acknowledge that. This awakening could take a lot of different forms, perhaps, in many ways, unimagined. Maybe, as younger HSPs, those in the millennial or GenZ generations, come to terms with their trait, things will begin to evolve as to correct and proper action. Unlike myself, younger HSPs have a lifetime ahead to assimilate the trait into their lives, which makes a big difference. These younger generations will be "turned on" to this insight earlier in life and can utilize it to organize and affect generational changes. They can and will impact decisions. I see that happening now, not only with HSPs but with those who don't share the trait. The upcoming generations are already aware of needed changes and are savvy enough to demand them. HSPs can and should be in this mix. I do feel the awakening happening. It is a conscious awareness of wrongs done, necessary changes, and plans to be enacted. Yeah, it might also be a spiritual awakening, as many claim, but it is a clarion call to change. Surely underneath, with feet to the ground, the sound of change is coming. And HSPs will be a big part of that. Arising like Cicadas, coming to make some noise in our HSP way.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High-Sensing Male
I have often spoken of the evils of hegemonic masculinity. Unfortunately, this corrupted form of masculinity is a real thing. Still, it only describes the results of its leading characteristics: unbridled greed, the willingness to exploit and subjugate the helpless or repressed populations, and the almost obsessive accumulation of wealth and power. Hegemonic masculinity describes the outward manifestation of a disease, the traits, and those most likely to promote its spread, but it doesn't explain the causes or the condition. Indigenous people have a word for this disease – Wetiko or Wendigo. It comes from an Algonquin word meaning a malevolent spirit or creature with an insatiable appetite for greed and self-aggrandizement. It is often associated with cannibalism in indigenous lore—a very fitting descriptor for hegemonic masculinity. It seems a perfect description of the incessant pursuit of wealth and exploitation of resources and people we have witnessed for thousands of years across the planet. Most notably the conquest of the Americas by Europeans. This conquest set the cornerstone for this disease in the New World and cemented into global consciousness that greed was good. Capitalism runs amok. What is Wetiko? Wetiko is more than just a mythological creature or spirit; it now is a fitting description of a psycho-social disease that pervades our planet. It has been likened by Paul Levy, author of Wetiko: Healing the Mind-Virus that Plagues Our World, as a virus of the mind and soul, an appropriate contemporary metaphor for the disease. Levy sees this affliction as a dark aspect of human nature marked by domination, subjugation, and exploitation, much like we see in the description of hegemonic masculinity. But, unlike hegemonic masculinity, Wetiko affects more than just wealthy white men. Instead, it is pervasive across cultures around the planet, a rush to grab all that can be taken and exploited for wealth accumulation by a few. Capitalism as we know it has devolved into a Wetiko-like virus that engulfs the minds of many. Regardless of social standing or wealth, the lure or prospect of wealth obsessively drives common people into self-defeating support of leaders who promote the message of profit over people or the planet. The attachment to power lures them to support this self-destructive behavior, and although they have little hope of gaining wealth and power, they dutifully abdicate their only source of power – their vote. They become, in essence, a willing host to perpetuate the virus. This disease has been with us since the dawn of the agricultural age. When production outpaced need and wealth accumulation began in earnest, many became willing hosts to the virus. The addiction to wealth and power spread, well, like a virus. The Concept of Thought Forms and Memes and Antecedents in Biology The idea of a mind virus isn't farfetched in today's world, where real world viruses ravish human populations and alter behavior patterns. After all, we have computer viruses that mimic the work of biological viruses; why not mind viruses? The concept has its roots in ancient religion from Buddhism, Taoism, and Sufism; the ideas of thought forms that stand on their own in physical reality and the idea of shared collective consciousness, along with the interconnectedness of all things, makes a fertile ground for this notion to root. In a more contemporary framework, the Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung describes the collective unconscious as a repository of shared memories and archetypes. It is not much of a stretch to envision mind viruses, like memes, embedded into our consciousness via modern communication supporting themselves off the host and perpetuating across the species as a collective truth, regardless of any objective reality. Like Wetiko, it spreads from host to host, possessing the infected soul with a drive or obsession for greed and a cannibalistic view of all material around the host as something to be consumed. It's gluttony and greed that aids in perpetuating the virus, much at the expense of the unwitting host. The most obvious analogy is to cancer, programmed to proliferate, gobbling up all living matter and eventually killing the host. Ironically, as it takes the host, it produces a coldness within the victim's heart, where heartlessness encourages the desire for more. The Prime Directive for all DNA-based life forms is always to replicate and reproduce. The disease, modern Capitalism, is only satiated when it creates more capital at whatever cost to the environment, people, or the future. In its severe corruption, which is to maximize wealth and self-interest, there is an inherent belief that there is some invisible hand called the marketplace that will keep things in balance, as each participant is blindly pursuing their self-interest. This is the great deception, the veil that hides the virtual protein spike of the virus. Can we defeat the Wetiko? Because of the insidious nature of the mind virus and how cleverly it blinds the victim to its presence, the only antidote is conscious self-awareness. Carl Jung warned of a massive self-delusion turning our powerful creative capacity into self-destruction of the species. At a worldwide scale, the infection is massive. Despite continuous warnings from nature and the "prophets," the world seems to be marching headlong into an extinction event. What other explanation would explain the lemming-like way we are destroying our planet and ourselves through pollution, war, and massive economic inequality? It is a form of collective madness that, if we don't snap out of it soon, we have a dark future ahead, if we have one at all. We need, as HSPs and as humans, to promote the conscious self-awareness mentioned above. I'm not saying that HSPs are different or have special protection against Wetiko. Still, I do believe we share an empathetic awareness of what is happening in the world today. We could be the leaders or at least the messengers or catalysts to create awareness before it's too late. Write, protest, organize, get active and educate yourself and others. Unfortunately, there is only so much time.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Have you ever felt disconnected from your emotions so that you couldn’t find the words to express them clearly? Perhaps, you learned early in life that certain emotions were not to be expressed by men or boys. As a result, you learned to suppress those emotions under penalty of punishment or shame. So what happened to the feeling? Did it disappear or go away? Not hardly, you may have suppressed it, but the energy lingered within you -festering and eating at you, but you couldn’t talk about it for fear of appearing to be less than a man. A term for that in psychology was coined by psychologists John Case Nemiah and Peter Sifneos – male normative alexithymia. It is a personality function that, although not clinically defined as a disorder, does make it seem dysfunctional in the individual experiencing it. Male normative alexithymia borrows the term from a personality trait known as alexithymia, which we will discuss briefly. In Western society, men are not often allowed to express difficult emotions that appear to expose a vulnerability, such as sadness, deep compassion, overt fear, or tenderness. Men are shamed or guilted if they express these emotions openly. In this context, the suppression of feelings is known as male normative alexithymia. It is a culturally assigned emotional regulation requirement that men are placed under to bolster their standing as strong, masculine men. It is pervasive in our male-dominated, hyper-masculine culture. For this article, we will focus on the impacts of male normative alexithymia and how we might change masculinity requirements to reflect a healthier relationship between men and their natural human emotions. What is Alexithymia? First, let’s describe alexithymia, the personality trait. Although not classified in the D.S.M. as a disorder, it certainly manifests as dysfunction and may vary in intensity depending on the individual. Alexithymia comes from the Greek literally meaning “no words for emotions.” Typically, there are four components of alexithymia: 1) difficulty identifying feelings, 2) difficulty describing feelings to others, 3) a stimulus-bound, externally oriented thinking style, and 4) constricted imaginal processes. In addition, alexithymia serves as a temporary defense against emotional pain where the individual suppresses or represses the conscious awareness of the emotion. This trait manifests more often in men than in women. Hence, the name male normative alexithymia. All emotions are biologically necessary for humans and are essential for our survival. Yet, males in our masculine-dominated culture are taught not to show feelings that portray any vulnerability. Instead, they are taught to display gestures of domination, aggression, extreme competition, and emotional stoicism. This monkey suit of masculinity is the main factor in creating male normative alexithymia in men and contributes to physical and emotional health issues. Although men and male peer groups foist this philosophy onto boys, women as mothers may also contribute to what is seen as the estimable cultural norm. Often this manifest as guilt or shame in men/boys who find the performative nature of this expectation to be difficult if not impossible to comply with. Often this creates aggressive or violent behavior to outlet the suppressed emotions. Yet, somehow this is seen as an acceptable way to show emotion. Male normative alexithymia is directly connected to this shame. The End Result of the Inability of Male Expression of Emotions When does all of this begin for males? Males are socialized early in life to suppress certain emotions. This socialization begins in boyhood, perhaps as early as infancy. Male children are treated differently by parents who model or encourage certain emotional responses which they feel are appropriate by gender. As boys reach school age, peer groups continue the reinforcement of the norm throughout schooling. Participation in organized activities such as sports, Boy Scouts, or activities where male prowess is prized continues the indoctrination. Although, in recent years, more awareness has been placed on gender roles and how they are differentiated amongst individuals, the prevailing ideas of masculinity vis-à-vis emotions remain largely traditional. When the boy reaches adolescence, the pressure continues where peer pressure is greatest. The pressure to conform is the genesis of guilt and shame or showing tender emotion. Unfortunately, as noted above, the result often is a violent and aggressive release of these suppressed emotions. Indeed, not a healthy release. Our stoic warrior culture breeds this line of thinking. The toxic masculinity that most males are brought up in is also harmful to males. The seeds are planted early, but the dysfunction grows throughout life. This masculine norm is a slow-release poison, much like nicotine is to the smoker. It rots our capacity to express a fundamental human trait, the expression of emotions: including tenderness, kindness, compassion, and love. The natural conclusion often leads to violent aggression and behaviors condoned by the warrior mentality. The behavior leads to toxic behaviors toward those around the male, but also to self. This aggression can turn inwards and lead to self-destructive behaviors, addictions, or suicidal ideation. If that’s not toxic, I don’t know what is. Is masculinity the root cause? Masculinity is a socio-cultural construct. We make it up as we go along. It should be flexible and bend to the times or the greater need, but in our culture, it is rigid and inflexible. As a result, our definitions of male behavior are archaic and need to be updated. One suggestion is that we might consider a less gender-rigid model and move towards a more androgynous human model, where traditional feminine characteristics are allowed to blossom within the male psyche and vice versa. Perhaps, we should make masculine norms sublimate to human criteria, where emotions and emotional expression are encouraged and modeled for our young boys and men. But, again, is this a place where HSP men can lead? Are we closer to our emotional source and express ourselves more freely with our emotions because we are wired by nature to do so? The urge to be more emotional overrides the cultural expectations of suppression, something at times even HSPs struggle with. Lack of emotion is not healthy. Studies support this, and the alternatives men employ to cope with emotional distress ultimately lead to bad behaviors that fuel toxic masculinity. We must liberate our men by freeing their emotions, not suppressing them. Teaching how to regulate emotion, especially intense feeling, is necessary. Male normative alexithymia is not good for any male. Instead, teaching men to express healthy emotion – focusing on the emotion that gives light to life and showing them how to deal with negative emotions, such as shame, guilt, anger, and aggressiveness. This is the call to redefine what masculine means – the call to return to our humanity.
 A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Have you ever asked yourself, what is good enough? Anytime you start a task, what level of achievement do you expect? Do you have a benchmark for good enough? Is the amount of effort that matters to you, or is it the outcome? Is success an absolute for you? Many HSPs are hung up on perfectionism. At times, I can be fanatical about achieving a goal or completing a task and being perfect. Unfortunately, there are many reasons why this is the case for some of us – from people pleasing, low self-esteem, or simply a programmed obsession with being perfect. There appears to be a misguided notion that anything worth doing is worth doing perfectly, and if you’re not going to do it perfectly – why do it? But is perfection even possible? Isn’t this an impossible belief, a form of absolutism? A striving for excellence can only mean surpassing mere good enough or even your best effort to attain absolute perfection. It is a lofty aspiration. What can we say about the belief that there is a universal truth that only perfection is acceptable? First, let’s look at this a bit closer. Striving for Excellence As a primary mission, there is no fault in striving for excellence in any task or endeavor. Setting a goal and striving to achieve that goal, in my opinion, is a noble goal. But, like many life journeys, the road is full of potholes and detours. Our original goal need not be rigid, with one path, but should reflect and adjust to the many deviations that life throws us. In fact, rigidity is the enemy of perfection. Perfectionism is a corruption of excellence in that it embraces rigidity and makes the goal almost unachievable. Rather than striving for excellence, we offer our best effort to any task, expecting alterations and changes in the route. This allows for a level of tolerance that is not perfect but still allows a completion close enough to our original goal that rewards our best effort. Striving for excellence is how we perform our tasks. Making corrections and improvements along the way, like guided missiles, we ultimately make subtle, sometimes drastic changes to reach our destination. This proposition requires the appreciation and adoption of good enough at times. Not much of a severe compromise if it gets us to our goal. The Perils of Perfectionism Perfectionism is like a disease that eats away at any effort and requires an impossible and absolute execution far exceeding normal human capabilities. The fear of perfectionism, or the withdrawal from an attempt due to anxiety that a task will not be executed perfectly, often keeps us from trying challenging tasks. Moreover, because of an absolutist expectation of perfection, we prejudge ourselves out of competition for fear that we can reach the elusive, not impossible, prize. Perfectionism can serve as a convenient excuse not to like ourselves. For inherently, we all know that we are not perfect. And, failing to attain perfection, we reinforce an unrealistic notion that we are not good enough. Perhaps, it comes through us as an attempt to please others, i.e., “if I am perfect, people will love me.” What a lousy bargaining chip for garnering love and acceptance. The stress on the self to achieve an uncommon perfection level can be debilitating for some. There is no room for ‘good enough’ in their lexicon. Yet, what is good enough? The Ideal Quest for Enough First, we must eliminate the idealization of perfection and toss the idea that we can be perfect in all we do. The good enough mentality sometimes is the only way to accomplish a goal. This especially is true for first-time efforts and trying out new, unproven tasks. Accomplishments come easy to some, more difficult for others. Secondly, find where the task or goal fits your values and priorities. Then, measure your success against those values and nothing else. Perhaps, just getting the job done is achievement enough. That’s what we call good enough. Thirdly, don’t sell good enough down the drain as a mediocre or lackluster performance or, as they say, an “also ran” effort. Sometimes good enough is GOOD ENOUGH—everything we do need not be a record-breaking world performance. Often what we see as perfection is an undetected series of good enough efforts to craft a fine point on something that is merely good enough. In effect, the polish on the silverware makes something ordinary look sparkly and perfect. Lastly, we must learn to accept that we are not perfect in everything we do. Therefore, we give the goal and task our best efforts, fueled by passion and values rather than driven by some abstraction of idealized perfectionism. A Happy Medium Don’t get me wrong; I think striving for excellence is a good goal. It lifts our work from simply passable to something more indicative of our skill sets and talents. However, we should always do our best for nothing more than our personal integrity. But, let go of absolutism. There is likely no absolute truth, wisdom, perfection, or knowledge that is not subject to criticism or improvement. For the most part, I think life is a series of successive approximations of truth. We are constantly correcting, allowing us to flow with the changes. Rigidity is the great destroyer of life. Perfectionism is a formulaic rigidity that stifles and is anti-growth. Finding your “good enough” is about seeking a comfortable level of truth about your abilities, skills, etc., and how they can be used in the world. Letting perfectionism inhibit your willingness to fail and learn is a recipe for a frustrated and stilted life. Good enough is not necessarily about resignation but agreement within yourself that you have worked something long enough and it’s time (good enough) to let it go into the world. As an author, I have tried to write, rewrite and restructure books, written pieces, and articles to get them to their best. Then at some point, I let it go and release it as it is, knowing that it is not perfect. However, I have found that most people are not looking to read perfection but will be happy with a good enough read that has meaning and significance to them. So, look for your good enough. Sometimes it’s a feeling, sometimes an objective optic that tells you that you have arrived at your place of completion. Don’t let perfectionism stop you, and recognize that you are good enough, just as you are. Rest in that. Please comment with your thoughts.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Self-esteem is the bridge to the world of self-confidence. Conversely, some may argue that high self-esteem is the predicate for arrogance or narcissism. There seem to be many interlocking or interlacing terms for what a healthy self-regard might be – self-love and self-confidence come to mind. And yes, there could be an argument for unhealthy self-esteem leading to narcissistic tendencies, but I believe self-esteem is simply how you see yourself in the world. I believe that, especially for HSPs, it is the ability for self-love. Most of us have heard negative feedback about our trait throughout our lives. This is largely due to a misunderstanding of the attribute. Wherein sensitivity is seen as a weak, frail personality downfall that often drives us to overwhelmed reactions and emotional overload. This pejorative feedback can fuel the negative thought patterns that lead to our low self-esteem. It is in our nature to be more contemplative, and we continually evaluate ourselves in lieu of how others see us. Unfortunately, we are also prone to internalizing this negativity and converting it into negative self-talk. Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet to increasing our self-esteem or self-valuation. It requires work and reframing our self-image, but it is doable. Consider some of these tips to help you get started in building up your self-esteem. And remember, nothing will change unless you act. Internal Work It all starts from within. One way you can take a baseline of where you are in life is to consider your personal values. These values can be your guideposts for evaluating how you are doing in life and will be the basis for your ongoing self-evaluation and integrity. The values important to you can be measured against how you are presently living your life. If there is a large degree of congruency, then you can consider yourself in alignment with what you value. Sometimes, we can compare others' expectations to our situation and devalue our life or lifestyle, notching down our self-esteem. Get clear on your value system and measure your life against what is important to you. This would be a good time to start questioning your internal negative dialogue. Some of the inner chatter will have origins in others' opinions, but some will come from you. The external inputs can be put aside, often from family, peers, or friends. These inputs may not be useful in the long term. Consider the source and rate how valid it seems to your present situation. It is often baggage dumped on you by others. The internal inputs are yours to own. You can change them at any time, with focus, awareness, and changing the script. Automated behaviors require a present minded focus to identify them. Once identified, they can be analyzed and revised. Your attention to them puts light on them, which gives you the power to reframe or delete them. Your comfort zone can be a safety net or a limiting prison. Examine if it's time to expand your C.Z. and push the boundaries of your experience. Creating more free-range life experiences may help build greater confidence as you tackle more of life. Sure, you will fall sometimes, but self-esteem will make you bouncier and more resilient, making it easier to take on life's challenges. Healing your soul of past wounds is important in moving on and growing. Tend to your garden, get rid of the deadwood and weeds, nourish what you want and need and discard the rest. Let yourself flourish; the bounty is within you. Define your boundaries clearly. You may need to defend them when necessary. Do not blindly accept attacks as facts from others. In the end, they are often conjecture and do not reflect you. Discard those that don't support you. See your failures as pathways to growth. Don't internalize the failure as a lack on your part. In learning, failure is not the point; the correction is. Learn to tell the distinction. People who accomplish much fail often. What makes them successful is they don't quit at failure. Face fears bravely. Each fear you conquer adds new mail to your armor. However, your confidence will grow, as will your self-esteem by slaying your dragons. Active Work I highly recommend reading inspirational material. Find authors that you admire and inspire you to action. By doing so, you feed your mind with positivity and hope. This suggestion may sound superficial, but I would also evaluate your outward appearance. It reflects your internal state. Does it suggest low self-esteem? Be honest with yourself; sometimes, we justify not taking care of our appearance to present a bohemian view of ourselves that masks low self-esteem. This is not about beauty or superficiality but rather about letting the internal out to be displayed in your external appearance. When you look into a mirror, ask yourself, who do I see? You may need to adjust to reflect the new you. It's important to continue to learn new things. Continue to grow, and don't worry about the learning curve. It will take care of itself. Armed with new knowledge, your self-esteem can flourish. Take inventory of what you've done and accomplished. It's a bigger list than you realize. Even if the accomplishments seem small, they are still worthy of respect. Keep adding to your list, knowing that you can do great things. External Work Now, this may seem radical but rid yourself of negative people and influences. Anything that doesn't edify you or make you feel better about yourself should be examined for discarding. What you take from others often becomes what you are. So, protect that border with vigilance. Reach out and help others. Doing benevolent acts of kindness will feed your soul and bolster your self-esteem. Exploit your skills and talents and put them to good use. As a result, your confidence will grow, and you will feel better about your situation in life. Speaking of your talents, do something creative and share it with the world. Then, let your darlings go and find their place in the external world. It is your gift to share and may be a blessing to someone you don't even know. Finally, don't worry about what others think. I mean this generally because it's almost impossible to be entirely oblivious to others' feedback. Pick and choose what you receive, especially from those in your inner circle. Be able to take constructive criticism with good intent and block the negative feedback that will demean you. You must filter this and get good at deciphering where the help is and where the malintent lives. In the end, self-growth will add naturally to your self-esteem and worth. Confidence comes with experience, learning, and life. Building a pyramid of self-appreciation sometimes takes a lifetime of work. Appreciate and celebrate your successes, knowing that life is full of ups and downs. Do the best you can – you need to find out what that is. You are a complete person, and a whole person is both good and bad at times, both successful and likely to fail. You will fail and rise again – your self-esteem can be your fuel. Good luck. Please comment with your thoughts.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Like many youngsters, when I was growing up, it was important to find out where in the world I fit in. Being a highly sensitive male did not make matters easier. Like so many boys, I was socialized to conform to the traditional masculine role model, and as hard as I tried, it was often not easy for me. However, I grew up when non-conformity was popular among young people, so I believe I caught a break with the changes of those times. As I have gotten older and arguably wiser, I now realize the importance of finding our place in the world. As an HSP, I find, like many HSPs, that meaning and purpose in our lives are critical for happiness. I often write about this in my blogs and books because I think it is a universal struggle with many highly sensitive people. It’s important to recognize that it’s not just about how you fit in as an individual; it’s also important to acknowledge the perhaps trickier aspects of fitting in as an HSP. We are in no small measure different from most of the less sensitive people we share the planet with. Finding acceptance for our traits can be challenging and frustrating. HSP characteristics will shape how you find your niches and where you will find them. Our need for critical environmental conditions influences our life decisions and reflects our strong desire for peace and harmony. Our requirements for downtime and rest will dictate time schedules, work environments, and even how our home is designed to accommodate those needs. With that said, fitting in our space, your niche is more than just a type of work, home life, and social and environmental connections – it’s life. Our life. This deserves serious consideration for all HSPs. Finding your unique niche – vocation as a driver I’ve read many articles about the best career fits for HSPs. These articles account for our general characteristics as a group and describe our needs to help others and to find quiet workspaces. These places encourage our creativity, strong spiritual natures, and work ethic. Some professions include helping professions (teachers, doctors, nurses, therapists, caregivers, etc.), creative professions, academic careers, spiritual or religious leaders, and work environments that foster individual contributors, like I.T. By drilling down even further for HSPs in search of set and setting, it is possible to combine several of these fields mentioned above, plus adding individual personality characteristics to customize the choices fully. But unfortunately, we still live in a largely conformist society, and this type of personal exploration is not often encouraged. And the idea, at the end of the day, it’s still about pursuing monetary rewards over intrinsic rewards, leaving meaning and purpose to get kicked to the curb. Nevertheless, HSPs and the emerging HSP culture need to look toward several key factors in finding happiness in the professions. First, consider environmental conditions, which I believe are some of the most important factors for HSP career decisioning. This includes hard items, like office space and layout, sensory stimulation of the environment, and soft elements, such as co-workers, bosses, and how the staff is treated. The meaningfulness of what you do is highly subjective; however, it should have major consideration in your decision. I don’t imply to speak for all HSPs, but work can be stressful and soul deadening for highly sensitive folks without meaning and purpose. Your work reflects you, what you need, and what you do. Be selective and pick the best place for you. When all else fails, be your own boss. In the last thirty to forty years, the idea of becoming an entrepreneur or business owner has gained considerable traction. It’s not just about the freedom or about creating and nurturing a successful business, but about using your talents, building an impactful organization, and making a difference in people’s lives, including yours. The best thing about taking this strategy is that it gives you considerable control over how things are run. For some folks, running a company and having the responsibility for staff and plant is not their cup of tea. For these people, solopreneur might work better. You are the business and the only employee. This fits well for professionals, creative types, and helping professions. You still run the show, but you, in the end, are the only impacted individual. You live and die on your own merits. Whichever course you take, expect headaches, but realize you have more control over your destiny. And because you get ahead of some of the major considerations, the headaches at least will seem less severe. Social niches Another area to search for, seek out and participate in is your social niche. I strongly encourage all HSPs to find an HSP tribe to belong to. The support and understanding that comes with being in a group that already gets you (quirks and all) are healing and therapeutic. To be with folks who understand your struggles, aspirations, and ambitions is validating and encouraging. But don’t limit yourself to just HSP groups; branch out to find others with a common interest, hobby, goal, or desire and connect and share. Finding the right partner can be especially hard for HSPs. You are unique in your love, affection, and connection needs. You will need to be patient in finding that special partner that understands you, accepts you, and desires to spend time with you. Finding the right person is worth the wait. Finding the wrong person and forcing a fit is a recipe for misery. This is one area we HSPs need to get right. Spend time exploring your needs before going out into the world to find a partner. It will be well worth it. How much socialization do we need to do? It depends. Most HSPs I know don’t necessarily put a premium on constant socializing. However, whether we like it or not, we need to socialize to some extent, whether for work, education, or familial needs. Finding the right venues and people to associate with that make us feel appreciated and wanted is a good place to start. You, as an individual, can customize your social interactions to fit your needs and tastes. Cause or purpose I don’t think we all need to have a grand and deep purpose for being happy in life but having a mission can add meaning and value to your existence. This takes some soul searching, but I believe by looking deep (a thing HSPs do well), we can find our cause. I think it will call out to you if you listen. Use your creativity and imagination to parse through many options and combine and match the best to find your best fit. Finding your place or niche in the world is more than finding the right livelihood. It’s also about acceptance and embracing who you are. You may feel you are a round peg in a square world, but there are round holes in the universe of pegs; you just have to find them. It’s never too late. Don’t give up. Regardless of what stage of life you are in, you can do this. Encore career, purposeful retirement, just starting out, or mid-life crisis, when the opportunity arises, spring on it. HSPs are the most purpose-driven people I know. Likely, you are too. Don’t ignore meaning and purpose for money, status, or to meet others’ expectations. This is your life; recognize your uniqueness, find your path and travel down it. This path will largely dictate your experiences, and those experiences will inform your existence and wisdom. Don’t be afraid to be you. Your life satisfaction may depend on it. Please comment with your thoughts.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male Growing up in the Southern U.S. in the Sixties, my parents always instructed me to be a little gentleman. It meant to be polite, kind, noble of sorts, well dressed, and above all, not a ruffian. We were to treat young ladies as such and always defer to Southern gallantry in our social interactions. It seemed easy to me, as I was a pretty quiet, reserved boy who observed these stately protocols without much effort. Nevertheless, it was what was expected of me, and I delivered. When I hear this term today, my framework for this chivalric ideal has shifted over the years. It seems somewhat stuffy and dated now, and there appears to be some confusion about what females expect from men these days, where politeness and good manners are concerned, like holding doors open, etc. Now, this article is not a review of Emily Post etiquette but rather to examine a fundamental set of traits we once societally expected that men of good manners and good standing should exhibit. It is a code of honor of how men should behave and conduct themselves in public. Yes, it's old-fashioned, but let's see if we can update this a bit and modify it to fit nicely into a new outline model of masculinity with some HSP fine-tuning. What of the word, gentle? The origin of the term gentlemen comes from two separate roots, from the Latin, Gentilis meaning to be from a good family or tribe, which might explain its use in describing those of noble birth. The word man comes from Old English mann, certainly Germanic before, describing a human being, male or female, later settling into mainly about males. An apt description of a gentleman came from the Reverend John R. Vernon in 1869, which states, "[The Gentleman] is always truthful and sincere; will not agree for the sake of complaisance or out of weakness; will not pass over that of which he disapproves. He has a clear soul, and a fearless, straightforward tongue. On the other hand, he is not blunt and rude. His truth is courteous; his courtesy, truthful; never a humbug, yet, where he truthfully can, he prefers to say pleasant things. [The Rev. John R. Vernon, "The Grand Old Name of Gentleman," in Contemporary Review, vol. XI, May-August 1869] By that time, days of fighting knights and rescuing damsels in distress was more of the stuff of legend, and most gentlemen had settled into lives of the landed gentry, certainly a gentler, safer lifestyle. Nevertheless, this notion of good breeding always lingered in the background. Good breeding was supposed to produce good behavior; at least, that was the ideal. The history of chivalric behavior in men Chivalry was a code of behavior that formed during the 1100 and 1200s in Europe. It largely originates from the Carolingian Empire and the period of romanticizing soldiers and cavalrymen. The term's etymology refers to the Old French, chevalerie, or horse soldiery. Chivalry was heavily weighted with Christian ideals and warrior attributes that signaled bravery and prowess. Much of the code was about sacrifice, obligation, honor, and duty to serve and protect. Over time it is easy to see that the gallantry and chivalric deeds became highly romanticized. The reality of the brutality and fighting was softened with tales of honor and noble largesse. In modern times, chivalry morphed into gallantry, making it seem quaint and old-fashioned. Likewise, the ideals of protecting "fragile" women lost favor. Modern feminism and the notion of being a gentleman seem to have vanished with our modern shift in gender roles and expectations. But should we throw out the noble ideals of gentlemanly behavior? Is there still something worth salvaging here? What attributes should be assigned to a modern gentleman? If we were to morph the bones of gentlemanly conduct, what would we keep and what we discard? The shift away from combative arts to more cooperative behaviors might inform which attributes would be best to move forward. Instead of simple honor, obligation, protection, and warrior vices, perhaps we should replace them with characteristics like passion, strength (physical, emotional, and mental), wisdom, integrity, confidence, humility, compassion, empathy, creativity, and dare I say it? Sensitivity. These qualities are noble and often seen in ancient religious texts as virtues. These are traits that all men should aspire to. In fact, all humans should aspire to these. Many of these characteristics are normal and native to highly sensitive people. We HSPs have a natural, gentle nature. This is not a weakness or frailty but a thoughtful and contemplative style of living. Not reckless, like blind drunk passion, but purposeful, maybe meted and coaxed from yet tapped spontaneity. If we model a new masculinity With this as a new framework, we could model a contemporary masculinity. A true gentle man identity that would be fitting for a world that needs kindness and a good measure of gentleness. A gentle hand is a steady hand, a hand that can guide, point to new horizons, and extend to help others. We need not lose our maleness, our distinctive masculine drive. We simply need to tame the wildness. We need not forsake our bravery to move forward. We merely need to show courage's new face. We need not reject the instinct to protect. We simply need to use our protection wisely. We need not abandon our yang energy, the masculine; we simply must remember the yin energy (feminine) that resides in all of us. Being gentlemen allows us to be "gentle men," men of good standing, of good hearts of wise thought and purposeful action with impeccable intent. Let's bring the term gentle man into the twenty-first century and rebrand and reclaim it to reflect our times. It's no longer a term of advantage and privilege but one of service and humility. Please comment with your thoughts.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
I worked in a corporate environment for most of my career. I lasted for about 30 years until I finally ran into my professional Waterloo in 2010. It was a merger of two megabanks, the inevitable marriage of two disparate cultures brought about by the 2008 mortgage collapse. I don't know if that inspired the toxic environment of that merger, but the two cultures did not blend well. One a Southern and Eastern banking giant and the other a Midwestern and Western bank – a merger of equals on paper. The toxicity began early and lasted for me until I could not take it anymore. It was a cutthroat and uncivil merger with a backstabbing and dog-eating dog mentality and absolutely toxic for this HSP. I knew then that I was done. My health suffered under the weight of persistent stress, unrealistic deadlines, and ambiguous goals. I knew I had to get away, and I had to leave everything I knew, the comfort of the familiar, a steady paycheck, and old colleagues I had worked with for years. It was the smartest thing I've done in my life. And, perhaps, the bravest. Toxic environments, which often produce staff's toxic productivity expectations, are more common than ever today. Work-life balance is touted from mahogany row halls but rarely translates into reality for the workers far below. Squeezing the last hour out of every employee is a norm that is killing us all, but it is kryptonite for HSPs. What is toxic productivity? Toxic productivity, by definition, is an obsessive need always to be productive, regardless of the cost to personal health, relationships, and life. It is a bias toward "doing" instead of being, appearing to be busy, thus extolling the virtues of productivity. Toxic productivity has been around for a long time but is reflective of the workaholism of 2022. It is an "always on" mentality that values every hour of every day as an opportunity to produce. There is no room for downtime, no time for self or self-reflection, and no time for rest. A toxic corporate energy mindset focuses on consuming production to facilitate profit. It is symptomatic of modern-day Capitalism, exploiting the worker and creating the toxic work environments we see more and more of. And yes, I'm going after Capitalism. Any economic system that is out of balance risks going off the rails, and if not to benefit the many, what benefit does it have for society? Toxic workplaces condone and elicit toxic productivity. The worker must keep at productivity to keep up, sacrificing more of their lives to keep the wheel spinning. What is the cause? It easily profits the corporate owners, but the reason the workers continue to accept this is the long-held and almost sacred Puritan work ethic that was foundational for this country. Although supported by Catholics before the Reformation, this work ethic founded in Protestant Christian theology emphasizes diligence, discipline, and frugality. A premium is placed on not being idle, which of course, is the Devil's workshop according to the old adage. Anyone not pulling their weight is considered a person of low respect. Merging this "all work no play" philosophy with the emergence of Capitalism was a natural marriage. This concession of millions of workers can largely be attributed to guilt and shame for not meeting the expectations of this outdated work ethic. Yet, studies have shown that 80% of work productivity issues are directly related to the environment in which these employees work. Toxic workplaces have many components, including issues around ostracism, narcissism, bullying, incivility, aggressiveness, and harassment. Toxic bosses, long the drivers of toxic productivity, can lead employees to job burnout and contribute to employee mental and physical health issues, depression, anxiety, work overload, and sleeping problems. Toxic workers, who may become emboldened by a toxic work environment, are prone to creating more toxicity amongst their coworkers. Therefore, toxic bosses, often defined by their overconfidence and tendency towards exploitation, can model toxic productivity as an unstated but assumed requirement for success at the company. This toxicity is bad for the employees and directly affects productivity for the company, defeating the purpose of getting more from employees. It has been shown that 8% of workers' health-related costs can be attributed to bad management. Talk about screwing your cha-cha here. Yet, somehow, this must be overlooked in M.B.A. programs. What's a toxic work environment look like for HSPs? If these environments are toxic for the masses, then HSPs will likely never thrive here. Anything with a prerequisite of toxic productivity will suck the life out of most HSPs. I'm not saying we are not stoic or willing to take one for the team, but really, we should be very wary of a work environment that has any of the following characteristics:
One work-life coach advises that we exercise a sense of professional detachment to work. Too much work and too little life are not good. This means learning to say no. In today's work climate, more and more people are letting their feet do the talking if an environment no longer meets their expectations. This concept of work as an extension of who we are instead of the dreaded state of being a "job" seems to align with what younger workers demand. I hope that employers are taking notice. Workers are now more mobile and selective. If the work environment feels toxic for you, it probably is, and you should take notice. Not fitting in is a feeling many HSPs experience. The point is – to find the right fit for you. Work can be a source of great achievement and feelings of accomplishment. Meaningful and purposeful work can bring you great satisfaction and joy. Truly, there are many elements to the right work, but only you are the one that will know for sure if it is the right fit for you. There is no shame in continually striving and looking for that fit. Remember the orchid metaphor that you will not thrive and grow in the wrong environment. You are the orchid. If you can't find the right fit, consider creating your perfect environment. More and more HSPs are becoming solo entrepreneurs, whether baking bread, coaching fellow HSPs, becoming counselors or therapists, or finding some extremely creative and novel way of bringing a business to life. When you are in charge, the environment you create will be good for you, and likely, others you hire will see it as a dream job to work with you and the harmonious environment you create. This is very important to all HSPs. The environment is everything to us. Work consumes much of everyone's day, and why shouldn't you have a great work environment that will aid in your thriving and growing? We must treat this as a priority in our lives. Take stock of yourself and craft the world in which you can live your best life with your abundant creative energy. Toxic productivity, workplaces, and bosses are things you don't have to tolerate. Please comment with your thoughts.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
When I was an undergrad in Psychology in the 70s, I was drawn to Humanistic and Transpersonal Psychology. These movements that predated my attendance at school were schools of thought that I could easily wrap my head around. As a young HSP psychology student, it made perfect sense to focus on how one could achieve the best from oneself. These two thought platforms of Psychology seemed to do that nicely and reflected my personal beliefs about the growth of the individual. Led by Abraham Maslow and later Carl Rogers, Maslow felt that a study of human motivation and subsequent behavior should be based on what could be called aspirational needs and foundational needs represented by a hierarchical structure. This emphasized personal growth and not psychopathology as its cornerstone. This revolutionary idea reflected the sixties' mood towards the individual as an expression of creativity and personal development. Maslow developed a structure that became the basis for the hierarchy of needs (HON). It focused on two sets of major category needs, deficiency needs, and growth or being needs. The deficiency needs were needs that, when unmet, created a deficit in the individual's life and formed a driver to meeting those needs. For example, food, shelter, and safety were deficiency needs. The growth needs were largely aspirational needs that expanded the individual's growth horizon. These needs lay largely outside of the necessary needs that kept the individual alive. Maslow developed this theory largely to counter the psychoanalytic theories of Freud, which focused on psychopathology, and the automaton-like theories of the strict Behaviorists, such as Skinner, which saw behavior as a simple animalistic stimulus-response. Humanistic Psychology was what Maslow termed the third force in psychology and accounted for a holistic approach to motivation emphasizing creativity, free will, and human potential. The gist of this movement was to highlight that when fundamental survival needs are met, humans naturally seek higher growth goals to be all they can be. The existential goal was to pursue a state of self-actualization, where individuals found and experienced meaning and purpose in life that was unique to them. This was not a static, permanent state but a state of becoming, where one could experience wonder, joy, and euphoria in one's life endeavors via peak experiences. Of course, this was all very enticing to me, a young and idealistic man seeking meaning and purpose in my life. But, Is there really a hierarchy of needs for humans? Legend has it that Maslow found inspiration in a study he did of the Blackfoot Native Americans in Minnesota. When he studied the Blackfoot society, he found an enormous emphasis on cooperation, purposeful elimination of inequality, sharing, giving, and a great degree of self-esteem in the Blackfoot culture. The perplexing thing to Maslow was that the Blackfoot Nation was about raising the tide for all, where success meant all succeeded. His theory of self-actualization was not supported as a top-of-the-chart aspiration by Blackfoot society. Rather this notion of self-actualization was taught as a foundational human right, introduced to the young from the beginning of life. The next need/goal for the Blackfoot society was community actualization, supporting the whole community – where all benefit from the emphasis on community needs over the individual need. And at the top was the sense of cultural perpetuity, that passing on of cultural heritage, the looking back to the lessons of seven generations back and being responsible for seven generations into the future. This notion so astutely put by Native Peoples puts some doubt on the idea that human motivation is solely about the needs of the individual, but rather with the focus on the community, the needs of the group matter as much or more than the aspirations of one single person. Western culture has evolved to emphasize individual responsibility, behavior, and reward over the centuries. Maslow's hierarchy of needs was indeed a useful framework and a product of the times. It was a softer, less cynical approach to human motivation than pure psychopathology and less mechanical and soulless than the Behaviorists. The original model proposed five stages ranging from 1) Physiological needs basic to human survival (i.e., food, clothing, shelter, sleep, etc.) 2) Safety needs, security and safety needs, 3) Love and belongingness needs – human emotional and relational needs, 4) Esteem needs, respect, self-esteem and accomplishment and 5) Self Actualization needs – personal potential, personal growth, peak experiences. These basic five have been added to over the years. Maslow's HON was adopted by educators and had implications for business and corporate environments. A simple hierarchical formula for motivation was seized upon by those looking to motivate students and employees. If there is practical application, I suppose that gives credence to a theory. The problem is that Maslow's theory has not been universally supported by evidence-based research, which becomes the validation point for all things scientific. In addition, cultural studies have shown that the placement of priority needs varies between cultures and even between age groups. Kaufman's modern reinterpretation of this model. Later in his life, he began to rethink much of what he had earlier articulated. Scott Barry Kaufman, a leading cognitive psychologist and scholar of humanistic psychology, has helped reinterpret some of this model via Maslow's later in life letters and papers. Kaufman, in his book Transcend, takes much of what Maslow has stated and offers support for many of his ideas via more recent research. He has used his own metaphor (a sailboat) and eschews the whole triangle/ pyramid schematic for something more functional in lieu of today's research. As do many now, Kaufman states that the idea of a stepped approach to growth should not be rigid, and various needs can be aspired to at once. He describes self-actualization in terms of three main requirements: exploration, love, and purpose. At the lower levels of needs, he describes security as comprised of self-esteem, connection, and safety. Above his model is the need for transcendence, that sense of growth as an individual and with unity and harmony in the larger world. I believe Kaufman's updates are perfect for our times. So, does Maslow HON still hold water for our times? I think so as a framework. What's still good about it? The identification of fundamental needs may indeed be universal. As humans, the requirement for physiological needs fulfillment is key to survival. The need for safety, security, and acceptance is pretty important, as we are indeed social animals. But above and beyond that, it gets very fuzzy. As we move up the list, the importance of needs or even defining critical needs becomes more and more difficult as you move through cultures, age groups, and perhaps even gender. Maybe the more complicated the society you live in reflects the complexity that might come about as needs you reach for outside of the fundamentals becomes apparent. Perhaps, we should think about circles and clouds instead of a stair-stepping pyramid. Can we make a practice of the hierarchy of needs for HSPs? As far as the usefulness of this model for HSPs, I still think there is validity here. HSPs tend to be purpose and meaning-driven individuals. We could almost live or aspire to be in the top section of self-actualization and be pretty damn happy about that. However, once we've met our fundamentals, I think the sky could be the limit for HSPs looking for a working framework to chart their lives. Perhaps, an Ikigai like Venn Diagram would be more useful. What matters is that we recognize what our own individual needs are. What constitutes success in a well-lived life will most likely vary from individual to individual. But what could this framework mean to us – a checklist, a plan, a needs assessment, or just an aspirational model, a vague roadmap with lots of scenic stop-offs and vista points? Not to be flippant, but all of the above might apply. Looking forward with the hierarchy of needs. Maslow explored and theorized about human motivation. This was probably a good thing during the heyday of Industrial/Organizational Psychology. We know now that HON is not a simple staircase to climb one level at a time. The model suggested progression but was not as dynamic as I think the newer models offer. Instead of levels of needs, perhaps, what we need is various points along a field where needs arise and subside as we go through a meaningful life. We deal with them as they arise, a problem to be solved and reckoned with, only to spawn another need. Then again, maybe we need to go back to a simpler model. Please comment with your thoughts. |
AuthorBill Allen currently lives in Lutz, Florida. He previously lived in Bend, Oregon. He is a certified hypnotist and brain training coach at BrainPilots.com. He believes that male sensitivity is not so rare, but it can be confounding for most males living in a culture of masculine insensitivity which teaches boys and men to disconnect from their feelings and emotions. His intent is to use this blog to chronicle his personal journey and share with others. 
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