 A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
What do you think it is that makes HSPs so self-reflective? We inherently have the internals for deep processing, deep reflection, and deep emotional churn, but is this all that is at play here? Is this a sufficient explanation? In reading Michael Pollen’s book, How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us About Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and Transcendence, I discovered a term that intrigued me. He speaks of the default mode network (DMN) and how psychoactive plants and drugs interfere with the function of the default mode network in the human brain. The DMN is a brain network of various brain structures instrumental in creating moments of self-reflection and daydreaming when the brain is engaged in a task-negative state. It is where our minds go when we are not in goal-seeking, active task mode. It made me wonder if this is a state that HSPs are prone to enter more than non-HSPs. This type of reverie and disengaged self-reflection reminds me of the rumination many HSPs get caught up in regularly. If so, does this explain our tendency for long periods of deep reflection, and are we naturally drawn to this state because of our deep processing capabilities and the need for self-reflection? What is the Default Mode Network? Hans Berger first proposed a default mode network, the inventor of the electroencephalograph (EEG), to account for his observation that the brain, even at rest, is busy. Marcus Raichle of the Washington University School of Medicine later coined the term default mode network. DMN is characterized by daydreaming, future-looking thoughts, gauging other’s perspectives, and especially with self-reflection. An output of DMN state is often spontaneous thinking which can lead to creative thinking. DMN seems to begin developing in the human brain around ages nine to twelve. DMN may also be implicated with disorders such as Alzheimer’s, Autism and Schizophrenia, by reduced activity of the DMN. Even in the DMN state, the brain consumes about 20 % of the body’s energy, much more than any other organ. DMN is not still fully understood. The Purpose of the DMN The DMN is now often associated with the social brain and the social understanding of others. It appears to be involved with emotion perception, empathy, theory of mind, and morality. This leads to aiding in understanding others, understanding self, controlling self, and processes that control the social interface between self and others. Its tie to memory also aids in making predictions about the behavior of others and provides a framework for moral judgments of other’s behaviors. It is also most notably tied to the notion of ego or self-identity. The ego is our self-definition of who we think we are, regardless of how subjective and incorrect that definition may be. In other words, when the brain is not task busy, it often turns inward to think of itself. The operative word here is daydreaming, something that HSPs do regularly. Another reason to suspect that DMN has special meaning for highly sensitive people. To me, this sounds much like a type of twilight thinking mode, a reverie state, much like twilight sleep, that few moments of in and out of consciousness we experience just before bedtime. This mode of thinking sees the world through our perceptions and ideals, sometimes to exclude external feedback. I have often mentioned this in the blogs and my book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man. As deep-thinking individuals, we often create ideas of ourselves that have no social confirmation because we hold them tightly to our vests. We lock ourselves in these self-contained prisons and never test our theories in the outside world. We are, perhaps, locked in our DMN based logical loops. What is the relevance to HSPs? Are we more prone to activation of this state than most of the population? Just following anecdotal social media discussion group conversations would indicate that this may be the case. Many HSPs, especially introverted HSPs, would find comfort in this type of state – brain at rest, task neutral and reflecting on self, and predicting the behaviors of others. A controlled state of mind, where outcomes are constantly evaluated in a safe place, evaluating memories (rumination) and developing strategies of future behavior. A staging ground in facing the world. I am not placing a value judgment on this, simply looking at the likelihood that this would be something that many HSPs, myself included, would find comforting in our downtime. It is also a place of spontaneous idea generation, resulting in some very creative ideas and could explain our tendency towards creativity. Conversely, it could lead to too much rumination, which is often the antecedent to depression and anxiety. Can this state be induced and controlled? Since the brain “defaults” to this mode when we are not actively engaged in task-positive activities or goal-seeking activities, whenever we remain in a task-negative situation, we are going to be in DMN, unless, of course, we are asleep. The extent that we are more “active” or “non-active” may be the determining factor as to whether we are in DMN or not. It is interesting to note that meditation, a task that would seem task neutral, helps facilitate the entering of DMN and can positively affect both DMN and TPN modulation. In a Buddhist sense, the DMN can be like the monkey mind, scattered and full of intrusive random thinking. Meditation is a way to help harness the monkey by applying mindfulness to aid in controlling daydreaming for purposeful pursuits. Daydreaming can be positive constructive (creativity seeking), or guilty dysphoric (obsessive anxiety), or attentionally out of control (scatterbrained). If we use the DMN for constructive pursuits, we are fully utilizing its positive capacity. Since the DMN is both forward and backward seeking (attachment to memory), it can keep us from staying in the present moment. It can also take us down well-worn neural pathways that can lead us to anxiety, worry, and pessimism. The DMN can be overactivated, leading to hyperconnectivity, which sounds like something many HSPs should be familiar with, much like our overstimulation. How do we control this? For one, we can alter our consciousness with mindfulness mediation. What has also been suggested is the use of mind-altering plant medicines (i.e., psilocybin, mescaline, ayahuasca, et al.) Psychedelic drugs deactivate the DMN’s integration function within the brain, a homeostatic state that leaves us in a state of “baby “consciousness, a primitive functioning state. I’ll leave that for another day’s discussion but mounting research in the use of psychoactive plants is showing promise for this in a controlled way with therapeutic supervision. Another option is to change the neural pathway route by invoking TPN-related tasks. This is essentially leaving DMN mode by thinking outside of the box, in essence creating new thoughts. This may lead to another option that utilizes unfettered creative thinking. Thinking abstractly, like purposeful playfulness, opens the door to new ideas and breaks the sameness of DMN thinking. I liken this to hopeful, optimistic thinking. Finally, we can change the channel by focusing on the positive past versus the negative past. Focus on successes and not dwell on failures. A recent study highlights the observation that tactile stimulation appears to deactivate the DMN as well as does the use of visual and auditory stimulation. So, get out there and hug someone, with their permission, of course. Watch a movie or listen to some meaningful music if you get trapped in DMN no man’s land. Are there any benefits to this state? It appears that DMN is part of the standard equipment with human brains. It has both positive and negative attributes, which we should all be mindful of. It seems clear that harnessed with mindfulness being in DMN mode can lead to moments of creativity and reverie. Its use of memory to look backward and forward can, without your control, lead to depression or anxiety or positivity and confidence, depending on your controlling the focus. It appears to some extent to be a gateway to the unconscious or at least unconscious long-term memory. That can be good or bad, depending on what is retrieved. And it appears to be a fine line between states of dementia, PTSD, depression, and Autism. Nevertheless, we should be aware of when we are in DMN and how it is affecting us. By reducing unbridled DMN thought creating, we can allow ourselves to experience the present moment with greater objectivity, which Shapiro calls “re-perceiving.” With focused attention via mental training to reduce competitive distraction and daydreaming, we can spend some of the negative DMN time on something more optimistic and positive. Although I must be honest, I do love my daydreaming time. Please share your thoughts in the comment section.
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 A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
One of the big four traits of Highly Sensitive People is the propensity for overstimulation, often referred to as overwhelm. Sensory inputs become too much to handle, and the finely tuned HSP systems begin to shut down or, at the very least, require downtime. This time is essential for HSPs to regroup, recover and restore. All HSPs will experience this at some time or another. Many in difficult work or home environments experience this frequently. For some of us, this overwhelm is embarrassing, especially for HSP males, who struggle with their masculine pride to admit that emotions, environments, and engagements can cause us to go into shutdown mode. We have been socialized to believe that this type of reaction is a sign of weakness-- not being able to tough it out and press on. But can we control overwhelm? Head it off at the pass at the first sign of onset? And more importantly, should we? Is overwhelm a sign of an undisciplined mind? Let’s see. What is overwhelm? What happens to the highly sensitive mind when it reaches overwhelm? Because HSPs process stimuli at a much deeper level both internally and externally, they often get caught in cycles of strong visceral and mental reactions, leading to depletion, exhaustion, and overstimulation. With poor coping skills or lack of support, many HSPs find themselves caught in a vicious cycle of overstimulation, shutdown, and then overstimulation again. This cycle is exceedingly exhausting and leads many HSPs into avoidant or withdrawn behavior. This behavior compounds personal and socially derived stress and stigmatizes the HSP into feeling negative about themselves and their ability to cope. And emotional reaction is often the root cause of overstimulation. Without getting too much in the weeds about the anatomy or dynamics of emotions, emotions play a large part in human behavior, and for HSPs, emotions are our currency. Much has been said about the limbic system, particularly the amygdala, in driving emotional response. The amygdala is most often associated with fear response and plays an essential role in alerting to danger, including fight or flight. However, there appears to be a three-tiered model for the emotional function that works above and below the limbic system or the midbrain. At the base, the brain stem contains a primary stimulus-response adaptive reaction. From there, emotion moves up to the more complex reactivity within the hypothalamus and thalamus, followed by memory and cognition of the limbic/cortex neural networks. Each level represents more complexity of the emotional response to the environment. From an evolutionary standpoint, the continued higher-level function extends and expands the brain functioning not to replace earlier, more superficial structures but to enhance them. The use of memory paired with emotion allows for past experiences reference to determine future action. This apparatus is key to enhancing recall by pairing memory with emotion to provide a more robust memory encoding. This encoding of memory energized by emotion makes recall of important data significant for survival. The use of cortical influence on the limbic system to throttle emotional response signifies the importance of these higher-order facilities to allow, especially in primates, to moderate, simple stimulus-response towards more directed goal-oriented behaviors that may serve a broader and more adaptive reaction. In short, this means that we as humans can use our critical thinking capacity to redirect automatic emotional responses with more directed thoughtful actions. This ability is vital to when thinking about our ability to regulate emotional overwhelm. Emotions may be triggered both bottom-up, which generally follows the stimulus-response model, much of which is reactive and spontaneous, or top-down, a self-created stimulus that causes the rudimentary response of the lower level to fire. This suggests that our emotions can be created automatically and instinctively or through self-initiated and controlled processes. The point is that we can control our emotional response, which leads us to the idea of emotional regulation. The Benefits of Emotional Regulation for HSPs Emotional regulation, which is often advocated by Dr. Aron to alleviate emotional overload, has many benefits for HSPs. Emotional regulation is the ability to respond to the demands of a wide range of human emotions with socially tolerable responses that allow for both spontaneity and restriction of emotion when warranted. It covers a wide range of processes that include feelings, physiological responses, thoughts, and bodily actions. This capacity to regulate our emotions can aid in maintaining clear vision, focused and appropriate responses, and developing a calm mind. Part of the strategy of handling emotions is to allow the emotional experiences to flow through you and not overwhelm you. Understanding that you can override what would appear to be an automatic reaction with a thoughtful strategy will allow you to “flip the bit” in your mind turning from a panicked response to calm and thoughtful action. Putting the attention on the control and not on what would ordinarily be an automatic response. A process model suggests several strategies used for emotional control, not all of which are ideal.
So, as highly emotional creatures, how do we get to the point where emotional regulation is natural and easy for us. It so often seems that we react without much thought to emotional stimulus and create overwhelming situations that drive us to shut down and then downregulate to achieve a sense of calm. This seems quite natural for many HSPs, but is it necessary? Is this just a matter of learning to discipline our minds or, better yet more efficiently use them? How can we train our minds not to overreact? Aside from some of the other strategies suggested above, can we retrain our minds to bypass the emotion => overreaction => overwhelm cycle automatically? In short, I believe we can. One of the first things in changing behaviors is to become mindful of the behavior. Start by looking for triggering events; these usually happen in patterns. What triggers you? We all have our buttons, and to control the reaction, you must first identify the trigger. We do this by observing our patterns. We all have patterns. Humans are notoriously creatures of habit. If you follow the patterns, you will be able to observe the triggers and reactions. Many of our patterns are automatic behaviors, also known as automaticity. These behaviors often operate below conscious awareness and can seem to pop out of nowhere. By being mindful, we can trace back to the trigger and response to find and observe the pattern at beginning of the reaction. The idea is to disrupt the pattern by use of explicit attention by the conscious mind, altering the outcome. The disruption of the pattern breaks off the response, allowing you to deconstruct what happened. Understanding the mechanics, without necessarily exploring the deep roots, will at least give you the ability to create a different state, perhaps, one of calm detachment. Now, aware of the pattern, you can deploy one of the process model strategies suggested or create your own. Deep seeded issues will need to be pursued with a qualified therapist. Still, for everyday emotional problems, this can aid in regulating your emotional responses and even increase your Emotional Intelligence. Learning to perceive, use, understand and manage your emotions can empower you to take control of what we often see as the uncontrollable fire hose of emotional reaction. It may simply be training, control, and discipline. Towards creating the foundation for mindfulness awareness of our emotional patterns, we must first engage in activities that create that calm mind necessary to do self-examination. This state of relaxation is portable and can travel beyond the meditation mat. Each exercise in the real world of calm detachment requires repetition, one of the critical elements of any learning. Practice this in the real world. Seek out situations where you can practice a calm mind in choppy waters. Invoke calmness and observe the flow. Doing this will require your full attention . A study showed that this ability aids in emotional regulation. I highly recommend using neurofeedback training to create a trained pattern of calm and learned resiliency in the brain. A recent study found that the experimental group more easily controlled top-down connectivity as measured by MRI neurofeedback. My personal experiences with neurofeedback systems, such as Neuroptimal from Zengar, on an anecdotal level did increase my brain resilience in stressful situations. As this technology becomes more personal and interactive, this approach is more available to the masses. See my earlier post on readily available brain hacks to promote relaxation. The bottom line is finding your path to greater self-regulation. The Benefits of a Disciplined Mind My top five benefits of a disciplined, self-regulated mind are:
Please share your thoughts in the comment section.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Do you remember the last time you were in an argument? How did it go? How did you feel after the argument/disagreement ended? Did you feel heard? Did you get overly emotional or discombobulated? Were you able to defend your position or at least feel you made your point? Or did you feel like your arguing skills were lacking? Probably about a day later, you had thoughts about how you could have taken a position that would have gotten your point across. Perhaps, you thought too late about a clever retort that might have helped you save face in the argument. You may have been bullied into a concession that you didn't want to make. That doesn't feel good. I have often wondered if it was only me or are other HSPs lousy at verbal encounters, especially the ones that get heated. It's like our brains get scrambled with emotion, conflicting signals, and as I said in an earlier post, it went right to fight or flight mode, without any thought, logic, or reason. How do we as HSPs get better at verbal confrontation? Not so much to conquer our opponents but rather to be heard, make salient points, stay genuine and authentic and not turn into emotional cannons, sometimes firing blanks. Can we train our HSP brains to be better at persuasive and unemotional arguments and not get so damn frazzled? I think the answer is yes. It takes some practice, some knowledge, and the willingness to slow down thoughts in our brains. Let's look at a few ways we can learn to master the art of verbal self-defense and construct better arguments in our discussions with others. Suzette Haden Elgin and The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense In the 80s, Suzette Haden Elgin wrote a book about verbal self-defense and how to defend against verbal attacks. The book was called The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense. Before the term Highly Sensitive Person was coined, Elgin wrote this book for those of us HSPs and others who found themselves often lacking in verbal self-defense skills. A more perfect book could not have been written for many HSPs' troubles in dealing with verbal assaults. The book's premise was to teach others how to defend against eight common types of verbal violence and defuse and deflect potential verbal confrontations. Elgin was a linguist, author, and professor at the University of California at San Diego and understood the significance of language, body language, and tone in verbal confrontations. What does a gentle verbal self-defense strategy look like? Understanding how our brain functions under the stress of heated arguments is necessary for comprehending why the sometimes hyped-up emotional brain of HSPs works under fire. When we get into confrontational situations, our brains activate the amygdala, which kicks in the fight or flight response. This mode instinctively bypasses the thinking brain. The brain then pumps epinephrine and norepinephrine, hormones that will ignite that feeling of rushing emotion. The heart kicks in, preparing to run or fight, which causes blood pressure to rise, and stress starts to peak. Your breathing quickens, your voice changes pitch, and muscles tighten. At this point, many HSPs begin to panic. The brain is overwhelmed with stressful signals, and logical thoughts scramble. Keeping up with the verbal assault seems impossible as we absorb slight after slight, not quite sure how to respond. We often freeze in an unstoppable visceral reaction. How do we get past this or, better yet, prevent it? How can we set personal boundaries for ourselves and watch for the communication triggers that set off this panicked response? First, we must understand what the triggers are for us. Is it a subtle backhanded comment, backstabbing, or is it more direct, such as yelling, belittling, or abject name-calling? Are you threatened when the attack is too physical, such as violating your space or aggressive posturing? All of these can lead to the triggers that set off the panic response. To move forward with a defense, one must understand how to identify those individuals or situations that incite these hurtful or threatening feelings. Next, we must train ourselves in how to respond to these triggering situations and stay calm. Finally, we must be prepared, even in advance, for knowing what to say in response to threats. These actions will keep us calm and in control. That is the key to controlling panic. Elgin concludes that avoiding hostile verbal exchanges is a matter of both physical and mental health. We all often react without listening to what the other is saying; this causes a mental leap to conclusions, which only escalates the emotion. When nobody's listening, nobody is getting heard. Our natural inclination is to attack back, plead or debate the attack – none of which effectively work under panic mode. We only give the attacker more fuel by employing these strategies. Giving them attention by continued heated engagement is not going to deescalate the situation. The four basic rules she posits are 1) know that you are under attack (you'll know this best by how you feel), 2) know what kind of attack you are facing, 3) know how to make your defense fit the attack and finally, 4) know how to follow through. Strategies include avoiding the situation or person that likely baits you into a confrontation. Once engaged, you can withdraw or ignore the attacker. You can deflect the attacker by changing topics or offer a compromise. Elgin offers several psychological devices, including matching sensory modes with the attacker. People often use sensory language to engage with others. If possible, match the attacker's language style, whether visual, auditory, or kinesthetic. This strategy may not avoid the argument, but it may cause the discussion not to escalate. Watch out for baiting presuppositions in the attacker's statements. Often, they are tied to an outcome that may have no direct relationship to the argument. "If you loved me, you'd take out the trash." The best response is to dismantle the condition, "if you loved me," by stating that you do love the person, letting the condition fall to the wayside. Some of Elgin's other suggestions have to do with staying calm, watching body language for important emotional clues, ignoring presuppositions and conditions, and focusing on two primary strategies: not feeding the attack with attention and responding to emotion with logic, which she calls Computer mode. The training comes in when you learn how not to take attacks personally. For HSPs, emotional overreaction is a natural reaction and inflates our empathy mechanisms. Doing exercises to help keep your brain calm allows the brain to avoid jumping directly into flight or fight mode. This keeps your thinking brain in the game. Learning to pause after the initial attack is critical. Let the energy flow over you and through you – be quiet and wait. Listen attentively, then pause. When you do speak, speak humbly. Make a reciprocal offer after you understand their position. Be selective about the battles you choose and avoid battlegrounds; they have a way of generating fights. If you can get to flow state in the discussion, you will have a greater chance of finding compromise or understanding. By staying calm, you will see things sequentially versus random arrays of disparate thoughts to cloud your thinking—no more scrambled egg arguments. Say less, hear more. Often you can avoid the fray just by being quieter. Bullies want to fight. By ignoring the invitation, you deprive them of that opportunity and you win. Learn to avoid fights that you can't win; these are often fights with manipulators, narcissists, or strangers who have no emotional investment in you. Calm your ego. You mustn't or shouldn't take on all comers. Walking away can be a quiet win. When you do argue, at least do it logically. Paul Graham and His Hierarchy of Argument Paul Graham, a computer scientist, and essayist laid out a model for logical arguments that stacks argument styles into a pyramid, from the lowliest emotional name-calling at the base and at the apex a rational refutation of the central point of your attacker. It is an outline of learning to move from meanness to logical, rational debate. The hierarchy is worth noting for those of us who prefer not to live in the emotional world of ad hominin attacks. The method requires that you listen to your opponent and discern their central point. Ferret through the emotional crap and get to the core of the argument. Do not attack, name call, or retaliate the tone of the opponent. Instead, respond to the argument's substance, don't counter without proof, do not argue in general terms, but be specific, regardless of their emotional baiting. Stay with the central point. This method requires discipline and focus. You may even frustrate them with your logic and calm (remember Spock and Dr. McCoy in Star Trek). It becomes less about winning and more about learning and exchanging ideas. This is a case where less emotion can be better. It's worth considering, especially for us HSPs. Please share your thoughts in the comment section.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
You no doubt have heard of the term fight or flight. It is often used to describe the physiological effects of an organism’s response to stress or danger. We often think of this when witnessing an attack from an aggressor or predator animal to an animal designated as prey. I’m thinking of the lion and zebra on some sweltering African savannah. It is often applied to human reactions to stress as well. More scientifically called the acute stress response, it can be invoked by even the perception of danger, whether real or imagined. From a physiological standpoint, it involves the discharging of energy from the sympathetic nervous system to prepare for various responses to danger. Much of this reaction is unconsciously bypassing our critical thinking processes. The reaction to the perceived threat may consider several survival strategies. The actions may take the form of freezing, fleeing, fighting, or internalizing a state of fright, producing a condition known as tonic immobility, fawning, or even fainting. The reactions are often instinctive, genetic, and can also be learned behaviors. As HSPs, are we more prone to falling into these states more quickly than others? Does our extra cautious nature put us in conflict with life more often and create the crucible for creating one or more of these states? Is there anything we can do to be more assertive or proactive when dealing with perceived threats or dangers? I think the answer is yes, and I’ve even included a fifth reaction that would override the unconscious responses and put us squarely in control of dealing with many of the imagined dangers. For now, I will call it the Flow Mode, in deference to the flow state. Defining the reactions to acute stress response Besides fight or flight reaction, there are several other responses to acute stress that are worth noting. These are both physiological and behavioral reactions. I’ll break them out below.
HSPs and Fight or Flight Seldom in modern society do we have to confront life and death situations daily. However, our reactions to stressful everyday life events are often converted to acute stress and reacted to by the body as if we still live in forests or plains complete with modern equivalents of predators. For some, and especially for HSPs who have more highly tuned startle reflexes , who are subject to emotional reactivity, we as HSPs may have more reactions attuned to anxiety and aggression. Because HSPs are more keenly aware of environmental cues, we often can misinterpret our bodily signals to represent significant threats and cut to an emergency reaction akin to panic. These threats are not usually life-threatening, but the reaction is still strong. The simple hearing of a threatening, angry voice within earshot can elicit a response to danger. Couple this with conditioning and life experiences, can set off without much conscious effort, a call to fight or flight. How each individual reacts can be influenced heavily by genetics, experiences, and individual personality. I suspect many HSPs when reacting to threatening situations, might employ the fight mode last, as it is the least confrontational and least taxing to our systems. This response may seem to make us look weak in the eyes of aggressors, but in reality, we are survivors. How we respond is a function of our inherent nature and our drive to survive. It seems nature built this into our brain wiring. To illustrate the point, an animal study was done on guppies swimming in a tank with an aggressive bass. The guppies were divided into three groups based on personality characteristics of bold, ordinary, and timid. After the study, 40 percent of the timid guppies who swam in the tank with the bass survived. Only 15 percent of the ordinary guppies survived, and yes, none of the bold guppies made it. Being a timid, cautious guppy has its benefits. We are not guppies but being cautious does not necessarily mean being passive. Surviving doesn’t necessarily mean we flee from confrontation, though; fighting should only be used in the direst circumstances. Whatever our reaction to fear may be, we have the capacity to overcome what we perceive to be threats but it will take action before we experience the threatening situation. HSPs should note that we can train our reactions to perceived threats with various brain training methods. Whether you use mindfulness training, meditation, EFT (tapping), self-hypnosis, neurofeedback training, or any other brain training technique, you can teach your mind to react to stress in a more ordered and calming way. Remember, this is not to reengineer your HSP sensibilities but rather to allow you to flow the stressors through your system to allow a mindful and moderate response. It is not emotional suppression but rather emotional regulation. Use that extraordinary HSP brain to survive. And you will swim with the guppies. Please share your thoughts in the comment section.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male Have you ever had a recurring, intrusive thought or thoughts invade your thought space? You know, the mostly involuntary thoughts, perhaps, unpleasant, and even a bit scary. Thoughts of death, yours or someone else’s, thoughts of committing some unspeakable act, or maybe even performing some sexual act that goes against your grain? A few years back, I wrote a blog about something similar that the French call “l’appell du vide,” or the call of the void. I bent the definition a bit to make a point about taking a leap of faith. However, the strictest definition of l’appel du vide is an intrusive thought to end it all – swerve on the centerline, leap over the edge, pull the trigger, or jump into the void. These intrusive types of thoughts have other names- negative automatic thoughts, obsessive thoughts, worry, rumination, or yes, intrusive thoughts. I have wondered lately if these thoughts plague other highly sensitive people. Highly sensitive people do seem to tend to worry (future thinking) or ruminate (past thinking) about a lot in their lives. Does that make us more susceptible to intrusive thoughts? Could these intrusive thoughts be the origin point of our rumination or perpetual worry? Do highly sensitive people see these intrusive thoughts as unfavorable, or merely some quirkiness of our personalities, odd but still adaptive. Some types of rumination are considered a kind of cognitive emotion regulation. Apart from being some pathology such as Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), it appears that we all experience these little fireflies of intrusiveness, flickering off and on in our brains from time to time. Intermittent intrusive thoughts are normal and quite common if they remain transient and don’t become obsessive rumination. What are intrusive thoughts? Intrusive thoughts are generally involuntary thoughts or flashes with unpleasant overtones, and if repetitive, can be distressing or feel difficult to manage. For most of us, they are a momentary annoyance and are never acted upon. They can jolt you because the nature of these thoughts is often an imagined act of carelessness, violence, or sexual promiscuity. Imagine the devil on your shoulder, easily swatted off but sometimes persistent and tiresome. Just having these thoughts doesn’t mean that you are weird or have uncontrollable issues. Remember, it is a matter of degree. Everyone gets them, even thoughtful, well-meaning HSPs. Is there a point when these thoughts should cause you to worry? The moment you become obsessive about the thought, however disturbing, you are likely calling the thought back in a repetitive way, just by becoming preoccupied with it. Consider this, we sometimes create random, meaningless residue as Dr. Martin Seif and Dr. Sally Winston refer to the detritus that our brain sometimes create as “junk thoughts” Most of these are just that – junk. The more energy you put into it, the likelier you are creating a neural pathway for that thought. You are making it obsessive, and it will repeat the more you think about it. You can see where this may be going. Sometimes these thoughts are simply a way the brain communicates a sign that there might be something else wrong in your life . The thoughts often bubble up from the unconscious and, like dreams, may be full of symbolism, not to be interpreted literally. Yet, there may be a message there. Then again, it may just be junk. Regardless, don’t obsess about it. HSPs and Intrusive Thoughts Are HSPs more likely than non-HSPs to have intrusive thoughts? That is anan intriguing question with no definitive answer. The fact that HSPs tend to be deep processors of thoughts and that we are sometimes emotionally reactive, it would seem the ingredients are there for this type of thinking. HSPs can be more anxious, with the antecedent being unconscious anxiety bubbling up into consciousness. HSPs that are more inclined to depression may also have problems with rumination or running thoughts repeatedly as a form of self-punishment or negative self-talk. Does that mean all HSPs will have this problem? No, but for HSPs with a history of trauma, OCD or depression may have more trouble with these recursive thoughts simply because we are wired for deep processing. We tend to have a more substantial internal monologue, including inner discourse about ourselves, our lives, and our relationships with the world. This self-talk is not a bad thing in itself, but without testing externally these ideas spawned by our self-talk, we may get looped in erroneous thinking. Bad dialogue can get driven down into the unconscious with repetition and can be served up again as intrusive thoughts. Do we need to control intrusive thoughts? Not really. As was stated previously, the less we dwell on these thoughts, the better. They come and go and releasing them as they come into awareness is probably your best strategy. Recognize that it is nearly impossible to control all your thoughts . It is not just about mindfulness either; if you try to suppress these thoughts or any thought mindfully, you will likely only bring it back. Think about being told not to think about something – what do you wind up thinking about? Yup. Only become concerned if they turn into an obsession. Likely this is related to some other matter, perhaps the beginning of a problem or the continuance of an ongoing issue, generalized anxiety, depression, or obsessive-compulsive issues that need professional attention. Like most HSPs, we tend to keep our internal house (our mind) safe, clean, and habitable. We live there a lot and having something weird pop into our minds unexpectedly can be exasperating. Recognize and see intrusive thought for what it is – a fleeting thought, a mere firefly of the mind. Like a firefly in hand, observe for a moment, release your grip, and let the thought go, flying away into the darkness. Please share your thoughts in the comment section.   A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
One of the common misperceptions about Highly Sensitive People is that they make poor if not reluctant leaders. It's not that they don't have the chops to be good leaders; it's more like they would rather avoid the hassles of leadership altogether and get on with their work in a solitary and workmanlike manner. There are challenges for HSPs in leadership positions, especially in high-profile and large organizations. The weight from enormous pressure, the constant bombardment of expectations, and the steady flux of amplified and dynamic objectives would overwhelm almost anyone and could easily drown an HSP. The drain of our energy, the hassles of always dealing with people, and the weight of managing would seem to erode our strength. It’s no wonder many HSPs shy away from leadership roles. Besides, the traditional industrial leadership models of the 19th and 20th centuries, with its' adherence to top-down authority, would have little appeal to highly sensitive people who would prefer more egalitarian and cooperative methods of leading others. The latter half of the twentieth century began to see the implementation and development of more humanistic leadership styles, styles that would be more authentic, empathetic, and appealing to HSPs. Today, more companies follow these new leadership models that would make it easier for HSPs to become effective and compassionate leaders. Let's look at some of the options available and compare them to the older traditional models. What are the options? First, traditional styles or top-down models of leadership emphasize a more autocratic and perhaps more bureaucratic model for leadership. These types of leadership styles place enormous focus on the top of the leadership chain. The boss is the boss. Autocratic styles focus on the person at the top who generally has command and control of the whole enterprise. The focus here is on results and efficiency – very machine-like. On the other extreme -Laissez-faire or hands-off management styles, while seemingly giving more control to the workers, delegates the results to others while providing little or no supervision. This style depends on accountability, creativity, and autonomy. Many HSPs might find the delegation part appealing, but this may create distance between the leader and the employees, not fostering rapport with the leader. Like managing from a castle turret, surveying the serfs plow the fields in the distance below the disconnect would be obvious to HSPs. The Pacesetter leadership model is a performance and goal-oriented leadership style, which can be pushy and lead to stressed-out staff. The emphasis on fast-paced results and hard-driving staff objectives. Do you see a pattern here? More focus on the goal and less on staff wellbeing and empathy. Again a less compassionate style of management. Still, another performance-oriented leadership model is the transactional leadership model. If you like to micromanage, you are into the corporate structure, focused on metrics, and like staying focused on short-term objectives; this might be your style. However, I suspect many HSPs wouldn't like this either. The above management styles are more traditional, emphasizing top-down management, not very receptive or open, not very emotionally aware, and certainly not focused on staff wellbeing. These styles don't appeal to creative thinking or real independence, out-of-the-box thinking, or as one CIO I had worked for once said, 'following forward' thinking. These traditional styles are more tactical, short term, lack supportiveness, and empathy. They are more “me boss, you employee”, which means what the boss says is the law, and you had best be compliant and obedient. Perhaps, a gross oversimplification, but still lacking heart. Newer More Open Styles of Leadership (Humanistic) The newer leadership styles focus on a more democratic, participative, and more cooperative leadership style that I think would appeal to more HSPs. These styles range from Transformational Leadership models, Servant Styles of leadership, and Authentic Leadership models. Transformational Leadership Style This style of leadership is all about inspiring your teams to achieve and reach their untapped potential. As the name implies, it is about transforming and exceeding team expectations and perceptions of their capabilities. This leadership style often requires a charismatic leader who invokes inspiring goals, energizes the team by example, and provides challenging objectives. These leaders often maintain high ideals of ethics and morality, cooperation and harmony, authenticity, and freedom of choice. All the outcomes of this style would promote an environment that would play well with HSPs, although I wonder if this is a leadership style that many HSPs might adopt. The energy levels needed to keep the team inspired might challenge many low energy HSPs, and the drain emotionally could be problematic. Servant Style Leadership The next leadership style is perhaps the most empathetic of the leadership styles surveyed, Servant Leadership. In Servant Leadership, the leader's primary goal, not surprisingly, is to serve. The servant leader puts the employees first, creates an environment for employee development, and encourages them to perform at their best. This management style was pioneered by Robert K. Greenleaf, who was inspired in an almost spiritual way to create this model by making the leader the servant of the team. The theory is that the team will be inspired by and motivated to serve themselves, thus creating an environment of service, each helping the other. Terms often associated with this leadership style are altruistic, healing, wisdom, stewardship, honesty, trust, integrity, and empowerment. Now we are getting into the wheelhouse of HSPs. This empathetic and compassionate model results seem to impact employee life, goal achievement, success, and, most importantly, engagement. Most impressive about this model is the effect on the environment – a receptive, open, and accepting work landscape. What are the qualities that make an excellent Servant leader? The ability to listen and show great empathy, promote healing and awareness, use persuasion instead of coercion, promote a long-term vision, show intuition and foresight. The servant leader is a steward of the organization, committed to the staff's growth and edification, and works to build community. Wow! Where do I sign up? Authentic Leadership Style Another new leadership style is called Authentic leadership. I like this already. Authentic leaders are positive individuals that display self-awareness, transparency, balance, and a consistent moral foundation that influences decisions and actions. Authentic leaders tend to be more optimistic and display hope and resiliency. Authentic leaders often take the strategic view of goals (vision), maintain a steady helming of the organization, show a certain impeccability of character, know themselves and their values, and strip bare to be transparent as possible to those they lead. These core values represent integrity and open communication. They lead by example. Authentic leadership seems to me to more a personal style of accountability than an organizational steering model. I like it as an HSP because it embodies the characteristics, I aspire to myself. Perhaps the model of attributes an authentic leader needs to motivate and lead a conscious and self-aware organization effectively makes this more appealing to me as an HSP. Taking the Best of Servant and Authentic Styles Both Servant and Authentic leadership models seem more twenty-first century, more modern, more humanistic than the older traditional models. They reflect what I see as HSP values. Perhaps the two are slightly different aspects of a new and, shall I say it – sensitive and empathetic management model. The overlap is quite pronounced. Yet, one seems to empathize the leader's role; the other emphasizes the new style leader's qualities. Both seem right for our times, and both seem right for HSPs. Can HSPs become influential leaders by adopting some of the new empathetic leadership styles? Yes, I do think HSPs can and should be influential leaders. What we do well is to be nurturing, intuitive and empathetic people. Generally, we are excellent in one-on-one situations – coaching and mentoring. But can we step up to leading larger groups of people? As leaders, do we create the environment best for us, or do we gently mold a lousy environment to our liking and others' benefit? In the right places, we thrive; in the wrong environment, we struggle. Yet, I believe influential HSP leaders show up in the right places at the right times. We have all the qualities of authentic leaders. We have the same motivations as the ideal servant leader. The time is now for HSP leaders to arise. Dr. Tracy Cooper refers to this perfect blend of HSP mindset, authenticity, and Servant leadership as Quiet Leadership. He proffers the idea that the time is right for us to take on this role. He is right. To be sure, all HSPs are not inherently leaders, which is fine. No population has all leaders with no followers. And many HSPs, no matter what style of leadership, don't want the hassle that leadership brings. It is, after all, a lot of responsibility and added pressure. But there are many HSPs out there who can make a difference in business, politics, academia, and in life if given the right encouragement. It's just confidence meeting the right environment. Let me end with a few closing notes. One assumption that we see in all these styles is that all that is needed is the right leader, and an organization will miraculously thrive and grow. Even when the leader fosters a supportive environment, the employees must also be willing to buy in, and not all will. Call it organizational cynicism or burnout on new leaders, but a leader and organization dynamic must be in sync and harmony. Another question is that the higher the interpersonal style, the subsequent effectiveness may be influenced by organization size. Smaller organizations may adapt more quickly to the Servant leadership model over larger, more bureaucratic, more diffused environments. Think one leader, many employees, means less direct interaction, less influence. Any of the humanistic models must be authentically emplaced within the organization. That means two downs, three downs, and beyond must be authentic as well. Otherwise, it becomes less real and more "management by airline magazine or mandate from on high." Organizations will see through that immediately. Finally, at the end of the day, like it or not, organizations that are profit-centered must strive for profitability or, as they say, perish. As idealistic as I am, this can't be only about being an awareness retreat. Nobody will be feeling good when the organization goes bankrupt. Business goals must be met, and I don't see that changing any time soon. Nevertheless, there needs to be a blend of business, organization dynamics, and humanity. John Rockefeller meets Carl Rogers. Please share your thoughts in the comment section.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male Oh, how I wish there were a simple, logical, algorithmic formula to discern who we are most compatible with in matters of love. The little heuristic would be a goldmine proposition if it were reliable, valid, and portable. HSPs especially need assistance because we often are too trusting and too empathetic to be objective in finding the perfect match. It's hard to get to the core values of a person, know their heart, and trust they are right in a short time, leading to a deeper emotional commitment. Dating site bios are virtually worthless, as most people (and, yes, I've done this too) pad their life story to make them seem better than they are. Let's face it; it's a marketing ploy we all use. Because HSPs are tenderhearted people and often naïve about love, we are easily duped by potential amours that ultimately don't understand us or use and manipulate us. Although there is now a measure of the Capacity to Love, it is not something you would or should filter through every future date. Yet, the truth is there is no foolproof bullshit detector in love that you can carry like a Geiger counter to detect radioactivity in a potential partner. However, I have found that by creating my personal red flag questionnaire, I can at least hold the love interest through the light of my internal prism and get some measure of whether we might be compatible companions. This list is not comprehensive but might serve as a starting point in considering someone new. You can add to these or craft them more to your individual experience and liking. Question #1 – Can the person you are interested in say, "I'm sorry." (Emotional Maturity) Admitting guilt when making mistakes is a "big" adult thing. It signifies emotional maturity and signals that a person is willing to accept fault to patch up a disagreement. Psychologist Rick Hanson suggests that admitting fault cuts through the ego gesturing, reducing stress and anxiety, allowing moving on to other matters, and showing a commitment to being mindful of the mistake and a willingness to correct it. This critical gesture is essential in relationships, especially for HSPs. We HSPs often take the lead in apologizing for our mistakes in arguments or disagreements. It is a gesture of goodwill and a willingness to bring to an end a messy emotional situation. However, if we are in relationships with others less forthright about guilt admission, this could signal problems later on down the road. The idea of being held hostage to a disagreement means to an immature other that you don't love them and may lead to devaluation of you in their eyes. This situation shapes a conditional love that for HSPs causes us to devalue ourselves. This often leads to gaslighting, shaking confidence in oneself, and doubting the other's love of you. Emotional maturity is vital here. What you are looking for is someone who takes responsibility for their actions. They must have the humility to admit when they are wrong, willingness and commitment to find compromise when needed, be supportive emotionally, controlling their impulses, and being trustworthy. When you find a person who can readily admit they are sorry in a heated disagreement, you have found someone displaying the earmarks for emotional maturity. This is a good indicator that this is someone that holds promise. Question #2 – Do your political beliefs align? (Self-ideology or Identity Manifestation) A political question may seem to be a lethal question to ask a potential partner in today's bifurcated and polarized political landscape. But, here are a few points to consider when asking about political views:
Naively, I think HSPs believe that something like political beliefs can be gently shaped and aligned with their own opinions or achieve a compromise with love and understanding. But viewed through a hardened political lens, feelings can be affected. The deeper you go in the relationship, difficulties arise, not just on political matters but also on the emotional reasons these view attachments have. Political beliefs get to the heart of core values, and for HSPs, core value alignment is a key to relationship success. This simple question almost always runs deep and possesses key indicators about a person's personality and emotional status. It is easier to reach a compromise with an open-minded individual if you hear can each other. But beware of the close-minded political hack. Question #3 – Do your spiritual or religious beliefs align? (Deep Self-Identity) For many people, this may be negotiable, and it mostly depends on how deeply entrenched and affixed you both are to your spiritual/religious beliefs. It may depend on the degree to which each partner is open-minded to the idea that there are no absolutes regarding spirituality. You can imagine an Evangelical Christian dating a hard-core atheist or an eclectic New Ager dating a scientific materialist who sees spirituality as foolish and a waste of time. You can easily see where the problems will materialize. Since spiritual beliefs or lack of spiritual beliefs sit deeply within us, this is important in relationships. It often depends on where you are in life and whether this may cause issues, such as raising kids, ideas of morality, afterlife beliefs, etc. Many people have experienced profound and successful relationships with others who have different spiritual views, and for some, this does not rate highly in mate selection. Nevertheless, the spirituality perspective may affect how a person's morality plays out. It may indicate deep beliefs that shape how one treats others, what love means and who one can love. It also reflects how close-minded or open-minded a person can be. Be mindful that compromise is a part of every relationship, and you have to ask yourself how much you have to compromise on spiritual matters that may affect you. One religion or spiritual view might be incompatible with another, so stay open-minded, but remember there is more to this than just the affiliation to a belief. Question #4 – What is their relationship with their parents and primarily with their mother? (Foundational Emotional Matters) To me, this is a fundamental question. Why? Very simply, our parents are the first adults we bond with in life. They are the first people to teach us about love, caring, and nurturing. They are our first template for love, especially the mother. Often, I have found that prospective partners with complicated or non-active relationships with their mothers (and fathers) often have difficulty in love as adults. Without that early critical bonding experience, they are less likely to grow up to be happy, loving, and resilient adults. They may also grow up to have emotional problems that will naturally affect the outcome in adult love relationships. By understanding your potential partners' current relationship with their parents, you are getting insight into how they may form love bonds with others. If the connection is good with the parents, chances are excellent these individuals are well adjusted and capable of giving and receiving love. If the parents are cold, distant, controlling, and unaffectionate, this will have affected your amour on views of what love looks like, feels like, and acts like. Granted that relationships change over time and that sometimes fallings-out occur later in life between parents and children. Life circumstances may alter these relationships as well. The germ of this seed is in the early formative years with parent and child. This early time is the critical bonding period and generally shapes the parent-child relationship for life. All of this should manifest in how affectionate, how expressive in love a person displays. If they acknowledge you and are willing to show and give love, it should be something that surfaces early in your relationship with them. A person who lacks these qualities may be a person you might want to bypass. Put down your therapist hat and move on. You likely will not be able to fix their problem. Question #5 – Do they listen to you? (Interactive Measure and Empathy) Being heard is very important to HSPs. Whether you are an extrovert or an introvert, it doesn't matter; at some point in your relationship, you will want to talk and be heard. And be acknowledged. Some relationships are identified by monologues and some by dialogues, but in the end, we all want to be heard, and the latter type of relationship is where we want to be. Does your love interest hear what you have to say? Do they actively listen to you, i.e., a conscious decision to listen to what you are saying? It seems we either listen to understand or listen to respond. Listening to understand is a deeper type of listening; it is more receptive and compassionate. Listening to respond implies a need to engage in criticism and be motivated by a need to correct you or fix you. One embraces, the other repels. One is deep; the other is shallow. HSPs seek meaning in just about everything, including relationships. It would be a natural desire for HSPs to form deep relationships, and the foundation for this is listening. If they are doing all the talking, well, you are not being heard. Empathy in part comes from communication. We are naturally good listeners. We need good listeners as partners. It is not a one-way street. Question #6 – Are they socially adaptable? (You, Me, and the World) Watch how your potential partner interacts with others. HSPs can be very chameleon-like when we interact in social settings. We are so tuned in to the environment; I think either for comfort or reconnaissance reasons, we adapt to our settings. Maybe it's a comfort thing, or perhaps it's to make others comfortable and make us relatable to them. We can shapeshift if needed. Looking for a partner that can do similarly, although maybe not critical to all HSPs, is crucial to me. I like to mix with mixed crowds and am not comfortable suffering partners that are snobs or find looking down at others as great sport. I try to stay humble with socializing and blend in and engage strategically and sometimes tactically. In networking for business, I like to seek out and find individuals with mutually beneficial contact. For pleasure, I tend to meet people strategically, basically learning from the new encounters with no specific goal in mind. With that said, I would prefer my partner, be able to do the same. How people treat others says a lot about how they will treat you. Look for kind, humble, and socially adaptable people. Granted, this is a simple reflection of how to gauge potential love interests. Your experience may frame similar or completely different questions. The point is to formulate what is essential for you in a partner. Each of us will have our own criteria, but we must know what these points are for each of us. And be astute observers. I recommend you read Dr. Elaine Aron's book on love and HSPs. You will learn a lot about the needs and interactions between HSPs and HSPs, HSPs and non-HSPs, and all combinations in between. There is excellent research (both her and her husband, Arthur) and real-world information in them. Good luck with your love search, be careful, be cautious, and, especially be particular.. You won't regret it. Please share your thoughts in the comment section.   A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male Like most personality traits, I have often wondered whether Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS) falls on a spectrum. And if so, is it possible for us to move up and down on the spectrum with life experience and age? If the trait is even moderately fluid, how would that affect highly sensitive people? Lately, a developmental model for children has gained some traction in describing sensitivity generally in all people. It uses a simple flower metaphor to describe the degree to which individuals adapt to or are affected by the environment. Dandelions, known for their hardiness, represent the most adaptable yet least sensitive individuals. Next is represented by tulips, which are the broad middle ground of people that fall on the broadest spectrum of adaptability and resiliency. Finally, there are the orchids, beautiful flowers, but ones that require the most significant attention and support. Both dandelions and orchids represent the two smallest population groups and are opposites. HSPs fall into the orchid group – no surprise there. Many of the foundational characteristics of this typology are genetically based. Some would argue that sensitivity is a well-established personality trait that remains stable over time. I agree that most HSPs are likely to remain consistently along the high end of the curve for sensitivity, which would not fluctuate drastically. But I wonder if the effects of environment and experience could not alter, even slightly, the degree of sensitivity we have over time. Let's examine this. Personality Theory on a Rope Most personality theorists would argue that personality traits tend to distribute on a continuum. Personality traits are recognizable aspects of an individual shown in various social and personal contexts that manifest in behavioral choices. Allport suggested that traits fall into a hierarchy from Cardinal (dominant traits) to Central (prominent characteristics) to Secondary (situational traits). We might assume that SPS would fall into the cardinal bucket, considering its influences on the HSP personality. Cattrell condensed the Allport theory and argued that individual differences influenced traits. He proposed a model of traits that employed a continuum to express each trait's "degreeness." Many of these traits proposed are described with polar opposites - high/low endpoints on the continuum (see Flower Model) with the largest representation in the middle. Later development of the Big Five Personality theory, which has considerable evidence-based validation, acknowledges that while personality traits are relatively stable over a lifetime, there is still some tendency to increase or decrease as life is experienced. This evidence supports the idea of a continuum of personality traits, with some degree of fluidity. However, it is essential to recognize that in some cases change comes as a function of the individual’s experience and not necessarily a function of the trait itself. How do SPS individuals stack up? Within the trait of SPS, is there some differentiation amongst the group? In other words, do highly sensitive people fall into a high highly sensitive grouping, a medium highly sensitive grouping, and a low highly (oxymoron?) sensitive grouping? If we look back at the Flower model, the suggestion that general sensitivity is a spectrum, from low to high, and that there is demarcation to separate groups along a bell-shaped distribution curve, could there not be a similar distribution within each distinct group? Could those individuals within the high sensitivity group also be broken down into finer buckets to delineate their degree of sensitivity? I think so. Environment plays a critical role in personality development, which enhances or detracts from personality traits and creates a wide swath of individual differences within humans. Life experiences might also increase or decrease how qualities are expressed over time, although not likely in large increments. Gene expression is often influenced by extrinsic environmental factors, which has given rise to the new field of epigenetics (See Bruce Lipton). Why could personality traits, which have a large genetic component, not also be affected by life, environment, and individual experience? Is there variability with the SPS trait? Some psychologists describe SPS in terms of overexcitabilities, or vividly lived experiences (see BLOG on Positive Disintegration Theory). A typology has emerged which classifies HSP individuals into five distinct groups – 1) Psychomotor (energetic leaning), 2) Sensual (sensory focused), 3) Intellectual (thinkers), 4) Imaginational (idea magnets, fantasy focused), and 5) Emotional (empathetic). The groups suggest variabilities within HSPs, and if you consider combinations of types within a single individual, you increase the variability as hybrids. Is there a polarity within the trait of sensitivity? It's interesting to think of the idea of a degree of sensitivity that could be measured along the line of empathy. For example, could there be a sensitivity dimension, tied to empathy, that ends with positive and negative poles of sensitivity? Positive sensitivity would represent HSP individuals with high degrees of empathy and sensitivity, and negative sensitivity might be low sensitive individuals with a corresponding low degree of empathy. Or could there be a polar end with negative sensitivity representing the spectrum where narcissists fall, with no empathy yet may be highly sensitive to criticism or other environmental cues? What about a dimensionality of sensing that might be measured along a line of adaptability or functionality, such as a low functioning sensitive or a high functioning sensitive individual? Not to suggest that HSPs are dysfunctional, but some with SPS do struggle with the trait. Is there a way to measure sensitivity on a scale? At present, I am not aware of a test for SPS that measures the degree to which you possess the trait. Dr. Aron's test, the current benchmark for sensitivity, does measure whether you likely are a highly sensitive person, but not necessarily to the degree, you have the trait. I understand that she is developing another test for SPS, so we can all look forward to that. Once we have something that can measure the degree of SPS, perhaps, we can test the trait's stability over time. That is if we do experience fluidity of the trait over our lifetimes. With that type of test, I also wonder if learning to throttle some of the traits would help moderate some aspects of SPS that may be uncomfortable. Although this type of testing may not be on the horizon, it might help with raising HSP children, counseling HSP individuals, and giving HSPs a way of measuring their trait depth. Depth, yeah, that's something HSPs would be interested in… Please share your thoughts in the comment section.   A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male There has been a lot of talk lately about narcissism and dealing with narcissistic personalities. Some very prominent people have been described as narcissistic, which has given some additional focus on this personality disorder. It has been postulated that highly sensitive people easily fall prey to narcissists, and there is good reason to believe there is truth to this claim. Because HSPs are generally very empathetic and tend to be drawn to people with problems, the narcissist can usually very easily manipulate a trusting and empathic, sensitive person. Yet, this term is often misused and overstated to describe a normal person who is situationally devious, unkind, or just emotionally manipulative. The actual percentage of the population with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and by that, I mean consistently narcissistic, is relatively small, typically between 1-6%. Let's explore what this can mean to HSPs and for HSP relationships with narcissists. What is a Narcissist? The classic DSM-V definition for a narcissist is a personality disorder primarily characterized by a long-term pattern of exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive craving for admiration, and struggles with empathy towards others. The exact causes are unclear, but evidence suggests that it is both a product of nature and nurture, part genetic part environmental. Narcissistic individuals have personality traits that display a sense of entitlement, grandiosity, and a need for attention, without much regard for others. They often show fantasies of their unlimited success or power, believe that they are special or gifted, are master manipulators, and are demonstrably arrogant. Many successful people may display some of these same characteristics. However, only the true narcissist makes the traits inflexible and maladaptive. Men tend to display this disorder slightly more so than women. Within the trait, there are several subtypes, including overt and covert narcissism. Overt narcissism is generally easier to detect because many of the NPD traits can be easily observed. Covert NPD is a bit less observable and can be more subtle and stealthy. Covert narcissists tend to be more introverted, while overt narcissists are louder, more arrogant, and outwardly disregard others. The covert narcissist more easily dupes many people because of the subtle methods of manipulation. Surprisingly, some covert narcissists are very sensitive people. I believe some HSPs are wrongly accused of being narcissistic because of HSPs' reactivity to criticisms, sudden mood changes, and the tendency towards deep thought, which appears to be aloofness. Preston Ni suggests that some classic narcissists display high sensitivity to criticism, confrontation with their self-image, rejection of their sense of entitlement, and refutation of their self-image. This reaction may add to the belief that some narcissists can be HSPs. The complicated relationship between HSPs and narcissists HSPs appear to be particularly vulnerable to narcissistic manipulation. Sensitive people's trusting and empathetic nature would make them more prone to falling to clever deception, especially from someone who cleverly builds trust first. In many narcissistic abusive relationships, a degree of co-dependency can develop between the narcissist and the victim. This dependency could more easily develop between a covert narcissist and a vulnerable HSP partner, and, at times, a narcissist can even exhibit some degree of compassion. The HSP might then harbor hope for the relationship, which only prolongs the engagement. In many ways, the HSP represents a shadow self to the narcissist, a dysfunctional compliment, the opposite other. Because HSPs love to help and aid their partners, they fall trap in the never-ending cycle of fulfilling every need for their narcissist partner. This entrapment can lead to an unhealthy symbiotic relationship and emotional pain, which the narcissist cannot relate to or feel. How to deal with a narcissist if you are an HSP If you know that you are dealing with a narcissist, understand that they will be challenging to handle and very draining to your energy levels. Avoid trying to change them and release the naïve expectation that you will be the one that does change them. Expect pushback or even retaliation if you challenge or confront them. If you must confront them, do so in the presence of witnesses. If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, surround yourself with supportive people. To get out of a relationship with a narcissist, learn to set boundaries and stay firm on them. Do not take the pushbacks and attacks personally; recognize that it's their problem, not yours. This may require compartmentalizing your feelings as you deal with the confrontation. You can loop back later and deal with the emotions. Stand up for yourself and if the relationship is abusive – get distance between you and them. Be safe first. Narcissists rarely seek professional help. They don't, can't, or won't see the need for treatment, which is beyond their inflated self-image. It is often stated that narcissism is incurable; however, if the patient won't see the doctor, the treatment is useless. You can bet you won't be able to fix them, so don't try. My Personal Experiences My experiences with NPD are somewhat limited. I suspect I have interacted with individuals who display some of the traits of narcissism but not at the level of malignancy. People who act like narcissists or are narcissists, I tend to avoid – life is too short. Yet, some of these folks can be quite charismatic and alluring. People who have NPD can be cunning cult leaders and can lure many unsuspecting victims, looking for a charismatic and authoritative leader. The NPD individual feeds on the admiration and worship and designs creative manipulations to ensure their vulnerable and gullible flock's allegiance. Be wary. Anyone can fall prey. A final thought on HSPs and narcissists. In my book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconditional Defense of Sensitive Men, I stated that I would have a hard time believing that HSPs would make effective narcissists. While I'm sure with the right combination of nature and nurture, it could happen, the core attributes of HSPs would make it difficult for sensitive people to abuse people without tremendous guilt and internal conflict. Our nature is to be empathetic, and to do less would present conflicting internal signals if we were to be ruthless and careless narcissists. Our hearts would not be faithful for long to the execution of that merciless task. Please comment about your experiences with narcissists.    A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Many HSPs have trouble dealing with anxiety, stress, and emotional turbulence. For HSPs, these stressors are more than just coping with everyday emotions. This is an often normal reaction for HSPs to environmental and sensory cues that overload our systems. In the last thirty years or so, a new area of psychology has emerged that focuses on human energetic attributes and uses this energy for healing and calming. This field is called Energy Psychology or EP. What is Energy Psychology? Energy Psychology (EP) is a group of therapeutic methods that intervene with human energy fields to promote physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing. EP combines cognitive tools to raise awareness and focus with stimulation of bioenergy fields to promote healing. These biofields include the use of meridians (acupressure points) and chakras (traditional Indian Ayurveda). Many EP practitioners use tapping methods such as EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique, which uses acupressure points combined with gentle tapping. The client states verbally what the issue is while tapping the meridian points to provide results. Chakra based methods include Advanced Integrative Therapy (AIT) and or Heart Assisted Therapy (HAT). In addition, other combination methods are umbrellaed under the term Comprehensive Energy Psychology. For the focus of this article, we are exploring EFT only. Emotional Freedom Technique Emotional Freedom Technique, also known as tapping, was created by Gary Craig in the mid-90s to simplify Roger Callahan's Thought Field Therapy technique (TFT). TFT was a complicated algorithm-based protocol that used tapping points but required specific ordering of those tapping points based upon the problem. Craig found that he could get better results using a set routine of tapping points and reduce tapping locations. EFT is a therapeutic technique based on the theory that negative emotions are caused by disturbances in the body's energy fields. Tapping on specific acupressure points while thinking or saying the negative emotion releases the target emotion and restores the body to balance. The difference between EFT and traditional Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is that recounting and discussing the negative experience (CBT) while offering relief does not always wholly release the negative disturbance from the body/mind. Tapping in a defined sequence while repeating the unique setup phrase will stabilize the trapped emotion over several rounds of tapping, providing a sense of relief and release. The technique is easy to learn, but assistance from a trained practitioner/therapist is the best way to start. Depending on the problem's complexity, the individual can tackle simple issues by themselves with guided practice. Does it work? The evidence for EFT is beginning to gain traction. Over 125 research studies have shown Energy Psychology's effectiveness with a small but growing body of research showing the positive effects on the client's biology. Furthermore, some studies suggest the EFT is as effective or more so than traditional acupuncture treatment in alleviating stress and anxiety. EFT compares favorably to CBT in treating general anxiety, depression, and some forms of trauma. More than merely a distraction, EFT appears to reduce limbic arousal in the brain, helping to disassociate the emotions with the memory - causing relief in subjects. This is supported by both Integration Theory and Reconsolidation Theory, which explains how the brain moves the individual past traumatic experiences. My Personal Experiences I learned EFT about ten years ago and was formally trained in its use around 2015. The technique itself is simple and straightforward to understand. However, like most things that are easy to learn and broad in their application, it takes time to master. Nevertheless, I felt that EFT was an excellent technique for learning stress reduction and anxiety relief. EFT can be done inconspicuously if needed and still provide relief. For example, it can be done while flying if flying gives you anxiety. It has even been shown to be useful if you do the tapping in your head using your imagination. EFT is very portable and, with practice, efficient and reliable. I have used EFT to reduce anxiety, keeping a positive attitude in adverse situations, and it is useful in getting immediate results. This is an ideal tool for HSPs to master in helping control overwhelm. Because we HSPs are by nature sensitives, I think it makes sense to explore new areas for healing, relaxation, and recalibration. Emotional self-regulation for HSPs is essential and finding and using tools and techniques that are close and portable make them easier to use at any time for emotional regulation. Our sensitivity may in many ways aid in making these tools even more useful for us in dealing with anxiety, overwhelm, and stress, as well as for therapeutic reasons in working with a trained therapist. I would be interested in your comments if you have tried EFT and whether it was useful for you. |
AuthorBill Allen currently lives in Lutz, Florida. He previously lived in Bend, Oregon. He is a certified hypnotist and brain training coach at BrainPilots.com. He believes that male sensitivity is not so rare, but it can be confounding for most males living in a culture of masculine insensitivity which teaches boys and men to disconnect from their feelings and emotions. His intent is to use this blog to chronicle his personal journey and share with others. 
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