 A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male There has been a lot of talk lately about narcissism and dealing with narcissistic personalities. Some very prominent people have been described as narcissistic, which has given some additional focus on this personality disorder. It has been postulated that highly sensitive people easily fall prey to narcissists, and there is good reason to believe there is truth to this claim. Because HSPs are generally very empathetic and tend to be drawn to people with problems, the narcissist can usually very easily manipulate a trusting and empathic, sensitive person. Yet, this term is often misused and overstated to describe a normal person who is situationally devious, unkind, or just emotionally manipulative. The actual percentage of the population with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and by that, I mean consistently narcissistic, is relatively small, typically between 1-6%. Let's explore what this can mean to HSPs and for HSP relationships with narcissists. What is a Narcissist? The classic DSM-V definition for a narcissist is a personality disorder primarily characterized by a long-term pattern of exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive craving for admiration, and struggles with empathy towards others. The exact causes are unclear, but evidence suggests that it is both a product of nature and nurture, part genetic part environmental. Narcissistic individuals have personality traits that display a sense of entitlement, grandiosity, and a need for attention, without much regard for others. They often show fantasies of their unlimited success or power, believe that they are special or gifted, are master manipulators, and are demonstrably arrogant. Many successful people may display some of these same characteristics. However, only the true narcissist makes the traits inflexible and maladaptive. Men tend to display this disorder slightly more so than women. Within the trait, there are several subtypes, including overt and covert narcissism. Overt narcissism is generally easier to detect because many of the NPD traits can be easily observed. Covert NPD is a bit less observable and can be more subtle and stealthy. Covert narcissists tend to be more introverted, while overt narcissists are louder, more arrogant, and outwardly disregard others. The covert narcissist more easily dupes many people because of the subtle methods of manipulation. Surprisingly, some covert narcissists are very sensitive people. I believe some HSPs are wrongly accused of being narcissistic because of HSPs' reactivity to criticisms, sudden mood changes, and the tendency towards deep thought, which appears to be aloofness. Preston Ni suggests that some classic narcissists display high sensitivity to criticism, confrontation with their self-image, rejection of their sense of entitlement, and refutation of their self-image. This reaction may add to the belief that some narcissists can be HSPs. The complicated relationship between HSPs and narcissists HSPs appear to be particularly vulnerable to narcissistic manipulation. Sensitive people's trusting and empathetic nature would make them more prone to falling to clever deception, especially from someone who cleverly builds trust first. In many narcissistic abusive relationships, a degree of co-dependency can develop between the narcissist and the victim. This dependency could more easily develop between a covert narcissist and a vulnerable HSP partner, and, at times, a narcissist can even exhibit some degree of compassion. The HSP might then harbor hope for the relationship, which only prolongs the engagement. In many ways, the HSP represents a shadow self to the narcissist, a dysfunctional compliment, the opposite other. Because HSPs love to help and aid their partners, they fall trap in the never-ending cycle of fulfilling every need for their narcissist partner. This entrapment can lead to an unhealthy symbiotic relationship and emotional pain, which the narcissist cannot relate to or feel. How to deal with a narcissist if you are an HSP If you know that you are dealing with a narcissist, understand that they will be challenging to handle and very draining to your energy levels. Avoid trying to change them and release the naïve expectation that you will be the one that does change them. Expect pushback or even retaliation if you challenge or confront them. If you must confront them, do so in the presence of witnesses. If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, surround yourself with supportive people. To get out of a relationship with a narcissist, learn to set boundaries and stay firm on them. Do not take the pushbacks and attacks personally; recognize that it's their problem, not yours. This may require compartmentalizing your feelings as you deal with the confrontation. You can loop back later and deal with the emotions. Stand up for yourself and if the relationship is abusive – get distance between you and them. Be safe first. Narcissists rarely seek professional help. They don't, can't, or won't see the need for treatment, which is beyond their inflated self-image. It is often stated that narcissism is incurable; however, if the patient won't see the doctor, the treatment is useless. You can bet you won't be able to fix them, so don't try. My Personal Experiences My experiences with NPD are somewhat limited. I suspect I have interacted with individuals who display some of the traits of narcissism but not at the level of malignancy. People who act like narcissists or are narcissists, I tend to avoid – life is too short. Yet, some of these folks can be quite charismatic and alluring. People who have NPD can be cunning cult leaders and can lure many unsuspecting victims, looking for a charismatic and authoritative leader. The NPD individual feeds on the admiration and worship and designs creative manipulations to ensure their vulnerable and gullible flock's allegiance. Be wary. Anyone can fall prey. A final thought on HSPs and narcissists. In my book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconditional Defense of Sensitive Men, I stated that I would have a hard time believing that HSPs would make effective narcissists. While I'm sure with the right combination of nature and nurture, it could happen, the core attributes of HSPs would make it difficult for sensitive people to abuse people without tremendous guilt and internal conflict. Our nature is to be empathetic, and to do less would present conflicting internal signals if we were to be ruthless and careless narcissists. Our hearts would not be faithful for long to the execution of that merciless task. Please comment about your experiences with narcissists. 
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  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Many HSPs have trouble dealing with anxiety, stress, and emotional turbulence. For HSPs, these stressors are more than just coping with everyday emotions. This is an often normal reaction for HSPs to environmental and sensory cues that overload our systems. In the last thirty years or so, a new area of psychology has emerged that focuses on human energetic attributes and uses this energy for healing and calming. This field is called Energy Psychology or EP. What is Energy Psychology? Energy Psychology (EP) is a group of therapeutic methods that intervene with human energy fields to promote physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing. EP combines cognitive tools to raise awareness and focus with stimulation of bioenergy fields to promote healing. These biofields include the use of meridians (acupressure points) and chakras (traditional Indian Ayurveda). Many EP practitioners use tapping methods such as EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique, which uses acupressure points combined with gentle tapping. The client states verbally what the issue is while tapping the meridian points to provide results. Chakra based methods include Advanced Integrative Therapy (AIT) and or Heart Assisted Therapy (HAT). In addition, other combination methods are umbrellaed under the term Comprehensive Energy Psychology. For the focus of this article, we are exploring EFT only. Emotional Freedom Technique Emotional Freedom Technique, also known as tapping, was created by Gary Craig in the mid-90s to simplify Roger Callahan's Thought Field Therapy technique (TFT). TFT was a complicated algorithm-based protocol that used tapping points but required specific ordering of those tapping points based upon the problem. Craig found that he could get better results using a set routine of tapping points and reduce tapping locations. EFT is a therapeutic technique based on the theory that negative emotions are caused by disturbances in the body's energy fields. Tapping on specific acupressure points while thinking or saying the negative emotion releases the target emotion and restores the body to balance. The difference between EFT and traditional Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is that recounting and discussing the negative experience (CBT) while offering relief does not always wholly release the negative disturbance from the body/mind. Tapping in a defined sequence while repeating the unique setup phrase will stabilize the trapped emotion over several rounds of tapping, providing a sense of relief and release. The technique is easy to learn, but assistance from a trained practitioner/therapist is the best way to start. Depending on the problem's complexity, the individual can tackle simple issues by themselves with guided practice. Does it work? The evidence for EFT is beginning to gain traction. Over 125 research studies have shown Energy Psychology's effectiveness with a small but growing body of research showing the positive effects on the client's biology. Furthermore, some studies suggest the EFT is as effective or more so than traditional acupuncture treatment in alleviating stress and anxiety. EFT compares favorably to CBT in treating general anxiety, depression, and some forms of trauma. More than merely a distraction, EFT appears to reduce limbic arousal in the brain, helping to disassociate the emotions with the memory - causing relief in subjects. This is supported by both Integration Theory and Reconsolidation Theory, which explains how the brain moves the individual past traumatic experiences. My Personal Experiences I learned EFT about ten years ago and was formally trained in its use around 2015. The technique itself is simple and straightforward to understand. However, like most things that are easy to learn and broad in their application, it takes time to master. Nevertheless, I felt that EFT was an excellent technique for learning stress reduction and anxiety relief. EFT can be done inconspicuously if needed and still provide relief. For example, it can be done while flying if flying gives you anxiety. It has even been shown to be useful if you do the tapping in your head using your imagination. EFT is very portable and, with practice, efficient and reliable. I have used EFT to reduce anxiety, keeping a positive attitude in adverse situations, and it is useful in getting immediate results. This is an ideal tool for HSPs to master in helping control overwhelm. Because we HSPs are by nature sensitives, I think it makes sense to explore new areas for healing, relaxation, and recalibration. Emotional self-regulation for HSPs is essential and finding and using tools and techniques that are close and portable make them easier to use at any time for emotional regulation. Our sensitivity may in many ways aid in making these tools even more useful for us in dealing with anxiety, overwhelm, and stress, as well as for therapeutic reasons in working with a trained therapist. I would be interested in your comments if you have tried EFT and whether it was useful for you.   A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
For the next eight to ten weeks, I am going to be providing excerpts from my upcoming book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconditional Defense of Sensitive Men. The E-book is and soft cover of the book is available now on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, iBooks, and Bookbaby.com. Please enjoy this free preview of the book. From Chapter 8 – Struggles of Being an HSM Being too Sensitive in a Macho World “Son, are you a man or a mouse?” My dad delivered these few words to me every time I got a bit too weepy as a little boy. Growing up in the ’50s and ’60s, it was not wise for little boys to show too many traits of emotional sensitivity. Might look like a sissy, if you know what I mean. So, my father would chide me with this little question, and I would abruptly stop my sensitive ways and buck up and act like the little man I was supposed to be. As the years went by, I began to shield myself from this type of criticism by trying to live the manly life I was taught to live. But it always felt a bit disingenuous and inauthentic. The older I got, the more I began to realize that I was no less a man because I could feel deep emotion, get in touch with my inner core, and freely express the emotion within. When I began to read about the highly sensitive personality type, I felt vindicated and liberated. Dr. Elaine Aron gets a lifetime achievement award from me. And I’m sure a lot of HSMs feel the same way. When I first started researching this topic, I was looking for male sensitivity and found that the first page or two of the search was focused on penile sensitivity. Interesting, but not what I had in mind. But I suppose there is some metaphorical tie-in too obtuse for me to elaborate on. Is there a sensitivity spectrum within HSMs? Are some HSMs more sensitive than others, more prone to emotional display or sensory overload, than say, other HSMs? I, for one, believe there is some truth to this. I mean, after all, we are all individuals, and science accounts for individual differences. We may have the same predisposition for an active amygdala, but perhaps the signals get muffled more so in some than others. Maybe there is some broad gradation starting with a threshold HSM, who is lowest on the scale of HSM sensitivity, a moderate HSM that straddles the wide middle, and a high HSM, one bordering on hypersensitivity. This could explain some of the diversity in HSM capacity and expression of that sensitivity. I know all HSMs are not what the general population would peg high sensitivity to be. Of course, no one is better or worse than the other, just a way to stratify further the traits of HSPs. This might explain why some HSMs weep at sad movies, while others just get the obligatory lump in the throat and wet eyes. In any case, regardless of where you fall on the spectrum, if you are an HSM, you are a man with fully functioning tear ducts. Be proud of that. This still remains about sensing capability, our high capacity to sense our world. It’s the inputs that affect us so. Sensitivity is the reaction to that sensing, and perhaps this sets us apart from our non-HSP fellows. So whether it is sights, sounds, smell, taste, or touch, or even the unconscious sense of intuition, we are always sensing deeply. And it will always affect us deeply. And, yes, we react sensitively and passionately. Yet we HSMs are still men; we are simply broadening the masculine definition. Fitting into a world that values machismo, the hyper-male, and toughness is always going to be a struggle for HSMs. The ridiculous focus on aggressive and dominant behavior, which is often seen as the epitome of masculinity in our culture, naturally divorces the American male from the emotions that are native to all humans. In other words, you are no longer a male unless you reflect a set of traits that are better suited for 10,000 B.C. than the twenty-first century. You can see this in our militaristic, warrior archetype that is reflected throughout our society in board rooms, bedrooms, and now bathrooms. We are still fighting imaginary wars every day at work, at home, and play. Even some women have adapted to this model to succeed in this dysfunctional paradigm. Our world is very troubled. The political discourse these last few years, the racial divides, the wars, the poverty, and all the detritus that swirls around this world, makes me think there has never been a better time for HSPs and HSMs to find our place in this world. It’s a time that is ripe for a shift away from the machismo politics of the Reagan Republican brand and back to a more compassionate, empathetic form of government. If this shift fails to take hold, I fear we are heading for a dark place as a culture and as a people. The HSP is often the canary in the mineshaft. Pay attention, world. We are uncomfortable in this manufactured male macho world that generally insecure and paranoid males have created. We HSMs need to assert ourselves in a distinct HSM way and penetrate the corporate ranks, the world of politics, religion, art, and journalism and serve as new role models for men everywhere. It is our sensing nature that will help change this world, and as men, we can help reshape the balance of things. We need to do something challenging for us—stand out.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
For the next eight to ten weeks, I am going to be providing excerpts from my upcoming book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconditional Defense of Sensitive Men. The E-book is now available on Amazon. The hardback is coming November 4th. Please enjoy this free preview of the book. From Chapter 7 - Behavioral Quirkiness Honoring the Anima for Men Hey gents, for those of you who slept through high school biology class, here’s a little news flash for you: we all start out as females.[i] So when I mention honoring the anima, Jung’s delineation of the unconscious female mind in all men, then you realize that perhaps a biological component played a part in creating that facet of men. You see, when the fetus is about nine weeks, testosterone kicks in for males, and it just keeps kicking in throughout our lives. Even when the hormone dries up, the after-effects of all those years of raging aggressive hormones leaves its residue on our psyches. For thousands of years of human history, the male domination of culture, religion, politics, and civilization has left the planet exhausted and nearing depletion. It’s an unsustainable path, with no room for escape. And Gaia will revolt if we don’t alter our course. We must all embrace the role of the feminine energy that permeates all of life on this planet. We are cut off from our sacred creative core when we only follow the destructive path of unbalanced masculine energy. Without the calming, nurturing, and creative alliance with the feminine, we are on a one-way ticket to hell. Balancing the aggressive yang energy with calming, life-giving yin energy means we all must embrace that side in us that brings healing. This includes men accepting and encouraging feminine energy within and outside of themselves. This means honoring the feminine energy in all things. As HSP males, we are perhaps perfectly suited to usher in what appears to be an impending era of female leadership and feminine spirit. As males who are often more in touch with our emotions, we unconsciously embrace both the masculine and feminine. We are in tune with the subtle differences between the two and can aid in leading this movement forward in conjunction with wise female leaders. We know of the anima within and must learn to accept the gift that it brings. Yet, this movement requires more than just HSP males to champion the transition. Highly sensing males must aid other men to acknowledge and promote the critical need we have at this juncture in our history to restore the ancient wisdom of feminine inspired leadership. The need for a feminine influenced direction is dire as we witness the destruction of our planet, our human values, and the decency of nurturing our planet back to its point of equilibrium. Embracing the feminine does not mean that men have to become female. It is not about vanquishing masculine energy either. It has and always will be about balance. HSP males are going to have to put themselves out there. This is not a comfortable position for most sensitive men. We need to push back on an aggressive and powerful force that has long been entrenched in our culture. We will need to convince not only males, many who have profited from this current era of male dominance, but females who are still entrenched in the old male authoritarian model. Many women need to be educated and liberated from this antiquated philosophy, and some may only listen to male figures, rejecting the advice of their feminine peers. This is a place where HSP males might be quite useful. Our sensitivity and compassion, coupled with our male personas, might help with these females’ transitions. So how can we men embrace the anima within and facilitate the change to the divine sacred feminine?
 Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male For the next eight to ten weeks, I am going to be providing excerpts from my upcoming book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconditional Defense of Sensitive Men. The E-book is now available on Amazon. The hardback is coming November 4th. Please enjoy this free preview of the book. From Chapter 6 - Deep Processing and Overthinking Deep Thinking Advantages I have great regard for the deep thinking attribute that SPS banner carriers have. It allows us to process more detail in our thinking, which expands the options of the outcome of the thinking process. I believe that deep processing capabilities make HSPs great solitary thinkers. Solitary thinkers rely less on other external inputs, say from friends, family, or colleagues, and can allow for free play with ideas within their internal framework. To be certain, there are indeed external inputs, but most of those have been previously processed, categorized, and stored and are used in the thinking process in novel ways. This allows SPS thinkers to be more creative and individualistic in their thinking. This is great for creative problem solving, creating works of art, proposing new, untested ideas, and generally contributing different perspectives on old lines of thinking. Besides, our use of emotional reactivity in decision-making might provide for dredging deeply encoded information that had a similar emotion associated with it during memory encoding. As stated previously, emotional reactivity has been associated with better learning outcomes. All of this facilitates deep thinking, which I believe is the greatest value SPS individuals bring to bear in society. If HSPs trust their intuition and insights more, coupled with their deep thinking process, I believe more HSPs would be more confident in their decisions and contribute more to solving society’s problems. There seems to be a strong bias in science and our culture against the use of intuition, although, if you examine the history of science, and especially the moments in science when breakthroughs occur, intuition often is the determining factor. Since HSP intuition is a strong suit in our thinking process, encouraging and rewarding HSPs for reaching out a bit might facilitate better ideas in business, education, government, religion, the arts, and sciences. This could lead to more breakthrough thinking, more innovation, more thought-provoking considerations, and less reckless, short-sided, one-dimensional thinking. Intuition is often considered emotional thinking, but emotional thinking is not always a bad thing. Sometimes it adds an urgency, importance, and priority to decisions. It always adds a bit of humanity to thinking, which we sorely lack now. Decisions are often made for the expediency of greed, politics, or unfortunate inflexible scientific dogma. Thoughtful decision-making is a lost art these days. The world is based on machine speed thinking rather than careful and cautious deliberation. For the moment, our brains can still out process any machine on the planet. We have a group of people, within the human population that is, at least as is being proposed, who have an evolutionary purpose, adding measured thought and ideas into the vast kettle of impulsive world thought. It’s time to wake up to that.  Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconventional Defense of Sensitive Men
 A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
For the next eight to ten weeks, I am going to be providing excerpts from my upcoming book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconditional Defense of Sensitive Men. I am anticipating a release date on Amazon, et.al., sometime in late September. Please enjoy this free preview of the book. From Chapter 5 – What is Sensory Processing Sensitivity? The trait that defines the Highly Sensitive Person personality is called Sensory Processing Sensitivity—SPS. This trait, part of a larger category of traits and theories about environmental sensitivity, pertains to how organisms, in this case, human organisms, adapt to the environment by way of sensory inputs and adaptations to move toward or away from change or stimuli in order to survive. Sensory Processing Sensitivity involves increased sensitivity of the central nervous system and deeper cognitive processing of emotional, physical, and social stimuli.[i] It is estimated that 15 to 20 percent of the human population has this characteristic and supports the idea of its evolutionary value because in order for the characteristic to retain value it must be utilized by a small portion of the population. Its utility diminishes the larger the numbers of individuals within a population have this trait. This is known as negative dependency frequency.[ii] First popularized in her book, The Highly Sensitive Person, Dr. Aron was instrumental in classifying this characteristic as a trait and not a disorder, and that this trait can be positive and evolutionarily significant. She and her husband developed a standardized measurement scale, known as the Highly Sensitive Person Scale, and for children, the Highly Sensitive Child Scale, which has become the benchmark for measuring an individual’s tendencies toward high sensitivity. In addition, this trait has been observed in over one hundred non-human species of animals.[iii] The work has been built on earlier work by Eysenck and his views on introversion, Pavlov’s work on overstimulation, Gray’s work on Reinforcement Sensitivity Theory, and Jung’s work on Introversion and Extroversion.[iv] All of these personality antecedents relate in some way to how the individual reacts to stimuli in the environment. Early studies looked at this sensitivity, which focused on childhood temperaments, Thomas and Chess (1977) and Mehrabian developed a self-reporting tool that measured something akin to sensitivity. Aron believes that the innate characteristic within SPS is the reaction to environmental cues and a pause-and-check processing, especially in novel situations.[v] This has important implications for the survival skills of the species where certain individuals are more cautious and contemplative when presented with new environmental cues. This is a hallmark for the cautious nature of HSPs. Introversion studies led to the Sensory Processing Sensitivity theory, where the marker for sensory stimuli was seen to be lower in introverts than extroverts. This, coupled with the addition of a depth of processing component and the importance of emotional reactivity in learning, and the tendency toward overstimulation rounded out the parameters of the SPS theory. The emphasis here is on learning and adaptability. A real issue comes down to accurate decision-making. The emotional reactivity component of SPS that aids in evaluating a situation correctly, without the need for conscious thought, turns out to be the quickest and most efficient form of decision-making, according to Aron.[vi] The ability to analyze and decide based on emotional reactivity, memory, and unconscious learned processes appears to make the SPS individual ideally suited for analyzing a situation and making an efficient decision, which plays against type. Increasingly, the Sensory Processing Sensitivity theory is gaining traction as part of a collection of adaptive personality models that focus on individual abilities to process environmental stimuli within the Environmental Sensitivity model. As its credibility rises, it is taking a larger portion of that model and may be the central theme within how individuals react in the world. There is now some conjecture that SPS is part of a continuum that includes all members of the population, allowing it to be more broadly defined in personality theory. The idea is that there are essentially three groups of SPS types within the larger community. Those who have low SPS (also known as Daisies), comprise 20 to 25 percent of the population, those in the mid-range 45 to 50 percent of the population (the Tulips) and those most associated with this trait, the high-end SPS individuals (known as Orchids) at approximately 20 to 25 percent. The flower metaphor illustrates the environmental requirements of each of the flower species, Daisies being most environmentally adaptable with the least amount of effort/nurturing and the Orchids being the most demanding of the environment with higher requirements. This illustrates the necessity of a positive development environment on high SPS individuals, where the correlation between thriving, positive, supportive, and nurturing environments is extremely high. Sensory Processing Sensitivity Traits People with SPS are considered highly sensitive individuals. A myriad of traits are associated with this personality, many of which have to do with a rich and complex internal life. SPS individuals are generally very conscientious and diligent, tend to be more spiritual, and are moved more easily by the arts and being in nature. HSPs display more empathy and sympathy to those less fortunate or to helpless animals or creatures in need of aid. Sensitive individuals show more creativity and can be quite innovative thinkers, if not under pressure or are being watched. Studies show that HSPs have increased activation in the reward centers of the brain, flourishing in positive environments, where there is support, nurturing, and ample time to perform expected tasks. They often experience feelings of awe and satisfaction because of increased deep thinking functioning and sensory awareness. In addition, a study has shown that SPS individuals are more likely to report mystical phenomena in sensory deprivation tanks than the general population.[vii] The downside of SPS borders on neuroticism. Feelings of depression, anxiety, and stress, internalizing problems too much, lower levels of happiness in life, poor stress management strategies—and in the wrong environments, lower work satisfaction. The environment is everything to an SPS individual. Since HSPs are more sensitive to the environment, picking up subtle and not so subtle cues can create situations of overwhelm and stress. If consistent and persistent these moments can lead to self-devaluation and depression. There will be more focus on this later in the book, but suffice it to say that a bad environment for sensitives is chaotic, unpredictable, with ambiguous expectations, lack of support and empathy, loud, with high-pressure demands, and inability to process and think. [i] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensory_processing_sensitivity [ii] https://scottbarrykaufman.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Pers-Soc-Psychol-Rev-2012-Aron-1088868311434213.pdf [iii] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensory_processing_sensitivity [iv] https://reader.elsevier.com/reader/sd/pii/S0149763418306250?token=4BB1776515ACDA4CC0506CE58BA16249C7D772B9A427B7342BFC4FF8F5B258BB385ED918DDB46C5C6176F9086AEE984A [v] https://scottbarrykaufman.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Pers-Soc-Psychol-Rev-2012-Aron-1088868311434213.pdf [vi] https://scottbarrykaufman.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Pers-Soc-Psychol-Rev-2012-Aron-1088868311434213.pdf [vii] Ibid.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
For the next eight to ten weeks, I am going to be providing excerpts from my upcoming book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconditional Defense of Sensitive Men. I am anticipating a release date on Amazon, et.al., sometime in late September. Please enjoy this free preview of the book. From Chapter 4 – Common Traits and Characteristics of Highly Sensitive Males HSPs are often labeled as sensitives, those who can gain nuanced information from the environment simply by showing up and paying attention. But what exactly does that mean? Think back to the idea of the depth of processing. The sensory information that HSPs receive is largely the same data input as anyone else, HSP or not. Our eyes aren’t bigger, our ears aren’t better receivers, our skin doesn’t have more sensory cells, our taste buds aren’t fatter, our noses aren’t olfactory blessed. We receive the same inputs as the general population does. The deciding factor is the way this data gets filtered and processed. Our brains are wired to take data inputs and process them more thoroughly, passing many times through a process that gleans the maximum amount of information per packet. Our eyes don’t see any better than others, but our brain processes the small fly on the wall that no one else notices. Body language is processed through sight and memory to discern that someone is not happy, but is not revealed in their outward demeanor. We smell the strong perfumed woman in the room twenty feet away, because we register the annoyance of the strength of the application of the perfume. We detect the music is too loud, because our processing of sound does not allow us to filter out the exceeding thumping of the bass line in the music. You could surmise that our filters are triggered at a lower threshold than others. If so, then we notice more in a quick cursory scan of the environment. The subtle taste of too much salt in an hors d’oeuvre that offends our tongue may go unnoticed by another who simply ignores the discrepancy. The scratchiness of the starched shirt we are wearing becomes annoying over time because we can’t easily shut off the sensory processing. This does not mean we suffer from over sensory input or hypersensitivity, but that our processing of the sensory input gets processed over and over to the point where it can become an annoyance. Even so, that ability to process deeply the information we receive can be a source of intuition and insight. Seeing the nuanced or noticing the subtle makes it easy to infer the detail of a situation and see things that others don’t. This is the source of much creativity and why so many creative people are highly sensitive people. The effects on emotions and intelligence can be profound. A mood can change in a flash, simply because of noticing something in the environment that is irritating or troubling. The subtle texture of our world can be a source of newfound inspiration or the source of emotional pain. To see the subtle aspects, the fine details of the world, can certainly enhance the intelligence of the individual, especially if there is an emotional charge to what is seen. I think this is why so many HSPs are perceived as being more intelligent. It isn’t about raw processing power or the ability to discern logical solutions to problems, but rather a way of sensing one’s way around the environment, picking clean the leftovers that others pass by, the small details that in some cases can be life or death. It then becomes encoding and storing the knowledge for later use. It is with the deep processing that this stored data becomes valuable at a later date. Good memory aided by strong emotional coding. This is where the value add is for this characteristic; the ability to learn from the subtleties of life and not leave behind any useful data, to gather every stone and turn them until they are polished nuggets of knowledge. This is a very slow, deliberate process. This is why HSPs are not quick decision-makers. The decisions they make are often full of insight and provide a big-picture vision that detail decision-making with its raw churning of information may miss. Now I don’t want to paint a brushstroke so broad that it appears all HSPs are intuitive gurus who are always accurate about conclusions. They are not. Intuition can only go so far, and sometimes internal biases can color the outcome regardless of the input. Energized emotion or fatigue can factor into discoloring the insights, perhaps distorting the obvious, with personal prejudices. As always, our senses can fool us, and regardless of how sure we processed the input accurately, we can be off the mark as much as non-HSPs. Being the conscientious creatures we are, we may back off with our intuitions if they are proven to be inaccurate. Confidence can wane without some reinforcement from the external world. I see this trait as a valuable part of the HSP profile. It should be encouraged, not discouraged. When there is inaccuracy, we should chalk it up to the absolute uncertainty of any thought outcome, and that our conclusions are either inaccurate for the moment, spot-on, or ahead of our time. Coming to conclusions is often an iterative process; each stroke of the wheel brings you closer to accuracy; one conclusion leads to another until a consensus is gained. Many HSPs don’t recognize the value of this nonstandard intelligence we possess. It is complementary to the logical, deductive reasoning of the twenty-first century, which is focused on the following of a specific format and hard grinding out of solutions. HSPs tend to snatch things out of the blue and place them in order, creating new thoughts and patterns. It is a process that allows us to look up from the desk and see out the window, sensing and feeling our way to intuitive solutions, ones that can never be seen without lifting one’s head.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
For the next eight to ten weeks, I am going to be providing excerpts from my upcoming book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconditional Defense of Sensitive Men. I am anticipating a release date on Amazon, et.al., sometime in late September. Please enjoy this free preview of the book. From Chapter 3 –Being Different Growing Up: Rising to the Top As was often the case with me, I didn’t fit in well. I tried hard to conform outwardly, but never quite managed to internalize those changes. I felt I lived the life of an imposter. There was much incongruity of who I was and what I presented to the world. Around friends, the neighborhood kids, I was much more confident. These interactions were more one-on-one, and I selected my friends carefully. As my family settled in to the neighborhood in South Carolina, where I grew up, I gained a newfound sense of confidence in who I was. I found that I was a natural leader and organizer. Our neighborhood was almost a frame right out of The Little Rascals. We organized baseball, football, and basketball games with other neighborhoods. I found myself being the one everyone came to find out what was going on. We built campgrounds in the woods, organized campouts with the neighbor kids, and generally had idyllic summers. I was the one doing the organizing, and I liked that role. At one point, I decided to create a neighborhood newsletter and received a student style typewriter where I crafted stories. The next-door neighbor’s mother was a school teacher, who mimeographed the newsletter so we could distribute them. Yes, in the right circumstances and with a certain comfort level, I could easily rise to the top. I was a likable, smart kid and believed in the team concept, yet appreciated my friends as individuals. I was well organized and great planner for the neighborhood. I never realized that these characteristics were natural talents. I just never received the right feedback. In school plays, I was always chosen to be the play’s narrator, usually the first kid out in costume, reciting my lines nervously, but flawlessly. If the costumes were dorky, I got the first laugh, which, of course, was embarrassing for me. One year, we performed a play about George Washington and the founding fathers. I walked out in front of the curtain to start the show, with a quick narration about the subject matter, sporting a concocted wig made of cotton balls that, by the time the play had started was beginning to disintegrate. I was tall and skinny and must have looked ridiculous because the audience burst out in laughter when I walked to center stage. Yet, somehow, I managed to execute on my lines and exit red-faced but relieved. My good memory and my conscientiousness were showing. Perhaps that was why I landed the same part every year. I had a very good sense of humor, a family trait, one that my father shared with us. When I was around familiar company, I could do some spot-on impressions, voices, and characters that made my friends laugh. This was very encouraging. I had a knack for parody and loved to watch comedians on television. My favorites—and inspirations—were Jonathan Winters, George Carlin, and Bill Cosby (before the troubles). I loved to watch oddball shows like Get Smart and Green Acres; it seemed the more absurdist the comedy, the better for me. When Laugh-In came on in the late sixties, it was the sole reason I never went beyond First Class Scout. I quit going to Scout meetings because they were in the same time slot as Laugh-In. There is much to be said for a good sense of humor. I think it can be one of the best redeeming qualities for a sensitive boy/man. Our keen sense of observation can aid us in adding layers of texture to our humor. I believe the best comedians are all sensitive people. There is some ironic and dramatic underlying reason that HSPs put themselves out there for criticism, just to present their quirky view of life. Brave souls, all of them.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
For the next eight to ten weeks, I am going to be providing excerpts from my upcoming book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconditional Defense of Sensitive Men. I am anticipating a release date on Amazon, et.al., sometime in late September. Please enjoy this free preview of the book. From Chapter 2 – What Defines a Sensitive Man? : Embracing our Eccentricities We are a peculiar bunch, we HSPs. Some might even say we are a bit eccentric. This is especially true for Highly Sensitive Males. We HSMs are a small percentage of a small percentage of the human population, and we don’t meet, for the most part, the stereotypes of the modern western male. But … eccentric? Dictionary.com[i] defines eccentric as adj.: deviating from the recognized or customary character, practice, etc., irregular erratic, peculiar, odd. Noun: A person who has an unusual, peculiar, or odd personality, set of beliefs, or behavior patterns. The word has its roots from the (Medieval Latin) eccentricus and from the Greek ekkentr(os), which is to be out of the center. It is used in geometry and astronomy to describe something that is out of center or not concentric. In other words, something that lies on the outside. Eccentricity is often tolerated or even revered in those who are very wealthy or are celebrities. Their odd ways and behaviors can become fashionable among the masses, and are sometimes talked about as if these eccentrics are geniuses or acceptable outliers. In that regard, eccentricity can be a favorable quality, making one a leader or a trendsetter by walking a different path. But what makes us HSMs seem eccentric to others? Is it the emotional aspects of our personalities, our broad accepting worldview, or our internal conflicts about our masculinity? What about our aversion to overstimulation, the hermitic deep processing of our experiences, or the masculine/feminine polarity that many HSM men wrestle with? Are we too moody, too quiet, too sensitive to criticism, too introverted? We can be too empathetic, too observational, and too persnickety to environmental changes, but are we that different? Do we appear to the outside world to be outliers, strange, hard to figure out, and hard to live with? In some cases, do people want to throw up their hands and give up on us because we are too much work? But does that make us eccentric? Maybe. Eccentricity, also known as quirkiness, is not necessarily a maladaptive behavior. But, yes, we can be a bit off-center from mainstream personalities and behaviors. Many HSPs have intellectual giftedness and curiosity, and a propensity for original and creative thought. We see things differently via our peculiar and unique perceptive lens. But are we eccentric? The psychologist David Meeks states that eccentrics are less prone to mental illness than the general population.[ii] Doesn’t that seem odd? Perhaps if you look at some of the other defining characteristics of eccentrics, it makes more sense. Eccentrics have an enduring propensity for non-conformity, are creative (sound familiar?), have a strongly motivated curiosity (and I would add observational skills), an enduring sense of differentness, and embrace this wonderful idealism that drives them to want to make the world a better place to live. Besides, eccentrics are intelligent, outspoken, and have a quirky, mischievous sense of humor. With that battery of personality characteristics, it seems eccentrics are well armed for survival in uncertain times, does it not? Because we HSPs have increased awareness and sensitivity to our environment and we process very deeply and thoughtfully, it makes sense that to the majority of the non-HSP world we may seem to be a bit different. And what about our tendency toward overwhelm—how we can so easily be affected by others’ moods or emotions, then retreat to our voluntary isolation, our emotional caves. We are prone to unrealistic perfectionism at times, which sometimes causes us to live out of sync with our environment and the people around us. So with our enhanced qualities of sensory detail, nuanced expression, and meaning, our emotional awareness, which leads us to greater empathy and an expression of creativity, can we not be seen as eccentric? Think about this: the following people have been associated with the quality of high sensitivity or Sensory Processing Sensitivity:[iii] Woody Allen, Steve Martin, Orson Welles, Edgar Allan Poe, Salvador Dali, Picasso, Stephen Spielberg, George Lucas, Nicole Kidman, Katherine Hepburn, John Lennon, Elton John, Alanis Morissette, Neil Young, and Dolly Parton. And my personal favorite, Robin Williams. That’s a pretty quirky bunch, wouldn’t you say? Eccentric … well, yes, in a lot of ways. But they turned that eccentricity into beautiful art. They are beloved by millions. And perhaps their sensitivity played heavily into their creative process. For some, it might have been a way to mask and protect themselves; for others, it might have been a way to reach out and find common ground with the world. But for all of them, they risked being called eccentric to rise above criticism and be themselves. So, if we HSPs are that quirky, strange, or weird, what do we do about it? Is some eccentricity good for HSPs? I mean, is eccentricity really simply being different? But wait, we are different. We already know that. Instead, how do we embrace our eccentricity, so we can stop worrying about what others think about us? Should we promote and socialize our uniqueness? As people learn more about our nature, our personality, our SPS secret, maybe will they better understand us, and with that, begin to normalize us. Here are some things to think about concerning our “eccentricity”:
[i] https://www.dictionary.com/browse/eccentric [ii] http://psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Eccentric_behavior [iii] http://www.genconnect.com/albert-einstein-nicole-kidman-jim-hallowes-list-of-famous-highly-sensitive-people/  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
For the next eight to ten weeks, I am going to be providing excerpts from my upcoming book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconditional Defense of Sensitive Men. I am anticipating a release date on Amazon, et.al., sometime in late September. Please enjoy this free preview of the book. From Chapter 1 - What … me, Sensitive? : Growing up, I knew I was different. I was different from all the other boys in the neighborhood. I was taller, skinnier, and more sensitive. Yeah, sensitive. At the time I didn’t know what sensitivity was all about. Growing up in South Carolina in the fifties and sixties, the profile for boys was rough-and-tumble, getting dirty, getting into fights, and letting all criticism roll right off your back. The last thing I wanted to be was a sensitive boy. Back then, every boy was subject to the code: boys were expected to be little men. They had to be tough, unemotional, and above all, not like little girls. It was easy to fail this code if you were a sensitive type. I saw things differently; I experienced life through a different lens and filter than most boys. It was harder for me to “just get over” life’s bumps and bruises. I took them to heart and ruminated ferociously the mistakes I made, whether real or imagined. I felt alone most of the time, the only boy in a family of girls. My father was distant and somewhat disaffected. He was an HSP (a highly sensitive person) himself but didn’t know it. I don’t know whether he was trying to whip me into code or if he knew it would be easier for me if I simply conformed. Eventually, I got the message and created a self-image through sports. I was a fairly good athlete, rangy and quick, but not with supreme athletic ability. It was enough to make me slightly above average. This went over well with my male friends. I knew this because I was generally picked in the top five for things like kickball, softball, and especially basketball. Being tall made it easy not to be missed for early selection. You can’t teach tall. I loved football but hated the contact. My dad played football in high school. He was voted most athletic in the school, so there was some pressure for me to be athletic, although I admit, it wasn’t a fanatical expectation. I put more pressure on myself than anyone. This was a proving ground. This was a way I could prove I was a man. Before high school, there were Dixie Youth Baseball and Pop Warner football. I never was talented enough or motivated enough to play baseball. That was a miss on my part. Wearing your baseball cap on game day to school was a sign that you had arrived as a little man. I tried out later for Pop Warner, and the coaches pretty much sealed my fate. They must have been ex-Marine Corp drill instructors because they wore our butts out in the first practice. Kids were falling out all over the field. I was one of them. I was beyond sore. The pain was excruciating, and I knew that football was probably not for me. Back then, there was no organized basketball for kids, so I just played around the neighborhood. We developed our own neighborhood teams and played other kids in the surrounding neighborhoods. Games could last all night, and best of all, there were no coaches to screw it up for us. I didn’t mind contact, and that was a good thing as I was generally picked to play center. As my skills improved, respect began to come. I was on the eighth-grade team for a brief time but hated the coach. He yelled constantly; sometimes, I thought, simply to yell. I didn’t like that. He was an ass. I quit the team, even as the varsity coach, a neighbor, was talking to me about moving me up to the high school team. This is a place where being sensitive really hurt me. I got nervous about the “promotion” to varsity and was overwhelmed with fear. I quit before my basketball career could begin, succumbing to my fears. This continued throughout high school. I had trouble with relationships. On the one hand, I was a pretty shy guy in the public eye, but quite gregarious around close friends. It was difficult for me to ask girls out on dates. I was like most teenage boys, pretty awkward with talking to the opposite sex. Not like the more popular boys who seemed to have a personality trait that made them calm and debonair. I assumed it was a lack of masculine magnetism on my part. Again, another place I failed to meet the boy/man code. Of course, it never helped my cause to always be in pursuit of girls who had no interest in me. I got used to dealing with a lot of emotional highs and lows, the angst of adolescence. For the most part, I dealt with it alone. The feelings I had didn’t seem manly enough to discuss with my parents or friends. I learned to be my own best friend. As I got into the upper grades of high school, I started underachieving. I was an honor student up until my junior year of high school when I met my first crush, a senior girl, in yearbook staff. She was different. This was the early seventies, and by all definitions she was a hippie chick. I was from a conservative and devoutly Christian family. Our meeting was like the meeting of matter and anti-matter, and it changed my world. Everything I had learned to that point, I never questioned. I may not have liked it, but I was not positioned to oppose the values that I had been brought up with. She opened my mind to a new way of looking at things, and I began my long journey to accepting and embracing who I was. |
AuthorBill Allen currently lives in Lutz, Florida. He previously lived in Bend, Oregon. He is a certified hypnotist and brain training coach at BrainPilots.com. He believes that male sensitivity is not so rare, but it can be confounding for most males living in a culture of masculine insensitivity which teaches boys and men to disconnect from their feelings and emotions. His intent is to use this blog to chronicle his personal journey and share with others. 
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