 A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
For the next eight to ten weeks, I am going to be providing excerpts from my upcoming book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconditional Defense of Sensitive Men. The E-book is now available on Amazon. The hardback is coming November 4th. Please enjoy this free preview of the book. From Chapter 7 - Behavioral Quirkiness Honoring the Anima for Men Hey gents, for those of you who slept through high school biology class, here’s a little news flash for you: we all start out as females.[i] So when I mention honoring the anima, Jung’s delineation of the unconscious female mind in all men, then you realize that perhaps a biological component played a part in creating that facet of men. You see, when the fetus is about nine weeks, testosterone kicks in for males, and it just keeps kicking in throughout our lives. Even when the hormone dries up, the after-effects of all those years of raging aggressive hormones leaves its residue on our psyches. For thousands of years of human history, the male domination of culture, religion, politics, and civilization has left the planet exhausted and nearing depletion. It’s an unsustainable path, with no room for escape. And Gaia will revolt if we don’t alter our course. We must all embrace the role of the feminine energy that permeates all of life on this planet. We are cut off from our sacred creative core when we only follow the destructive path of unbalanced masculine energy. Without the calming, nurturing, and creative alliance with the feminine, we are on a one-way ticket to hell. Balancing the aggressive yang energy with calming, life-giving yin energy means we all must embrace that side in us that brings healing. This includes men accepting and encouraging feminine energy within and outside of themselves. This means honoring the feminine energy in all things. As HSP males, we are perhaps perfectly suited to usher in what appears to be an impending era of female leadership and feminine spirit. As males who are often more in touch with our emotions, we unconsciously embrace both the masculine and feminine. We are in tune with the subtle differences between the two and can aid in leading this movement forward in conjunction with wise female leaders. We know of the anima within and must learn to accept the gift that it brings. Yet, this movement requires more than just HSP males to champion the transition. Highly sensing males must aid other men to acknowledge and promote the critical need we have at this juncture in our history to restore the ancient wisdom of feminine inspired leadership. The need for a feminine influenced direction is dire as we witness the destruction of our planet, our human values, and the decency of nurturing our planet back to its point of equilibrium. Embracing the feminine does not mean that men have to become female. It is not about vanquishing masculine energy either. It has and always will be about balance. HSP males are going to have to put themselves out there. This is not a comfortable position for most sensitive men. We need to push back on an aggressive and powerful force that has long been entrenched in our culture. We will need to convince not only males, many who have profited from this current era of male dominance, but females who are still entrenched in the old male authoritarian model. Many women need to be educated and liberated from this antiquated philosophy, and some may only listen to male figures, rejecting the advice of their feminine peers. This is a place where HSP males might be quite useful. Our sensitivity and compassion, coupled with our male personas, might help with these females’ transitions. So how can we men embrace the anima within and facilitate the change to the divine sacred feminine?
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 Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male For the next eight to ten weeks, I am going to be providing excerpts from my upcoming book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconditional Defense of Sensitive Men. The E-book is now available on Amazon. The hardback is coming November 4th. Please enjoy this free preview of the book. From Chapter 6 - Deep Processing and Overthinking Deep Thinking Advantages I have great regard for the deep thinking attribute that SPS banner carriers have. It allows us to process more detail in our thinking, which expands the options of the outcome of the thinking process. I believe that deep processing capabilities make HSPs great solitary thinkers. Solitary thinkers rely less on other external inputs, say from friends, family, or colleagues, and can allow for free play with ideas within their internal framework. To be certain, there are indeed external inputs, but most of those have been previously processed, categorized, and stored and are used in the thinking process in novel ways. This allows SPS thinkers to be more creative and individualistic in their thinking. This is great for creative problem solving, creating works of art, proposing new, untested ideas, and generally contributing different perspectives on old lines of thinking. Besides, our use of emotional reactivity in decision-making might provide for dredging deeply encoded information that had a similar emotion associated with it during memory encoding. As stated previously, emotional reactivity has been associated with better learning outcomes. All of this facilitates deep thinking, which I believe is the greatest value SPS individuals bring to bear in society. If HSPs trust their intuition and insights more, coupled with their deep thinking process, I believe more HSPs would be more confident in their decisions and contribute more to solving society’s problems. There seems to be a strong bias in science and our culture against the use of intuition, although, if you examine the history of science, and especially the moments in science when breakthroughs occur, intuition often is the determining factor. Since HSP intuition is a strong suit in our thinking process, encouraging and rewarding HSPs for reaching out a bit might facilitate better ideas in business, education, government, religion, the arts, and sciences. This could lead to more breakthrough thinking, more innovation, more thought-provoking considerations, and less reckless, short-sided, one-dimensional thinking. Intuition is often considered emotional thinking, but emotional thinking is not always a bad thing. Sometimes it adds an urgency, importance, and priority to decisions. It always adds a bit of humanity to thinking, which we sorely lack now. Decisions are often made for the expediency of greed, politics, or unfortunate inflexible scientific dogma. Thoughtful decision-making is a lost art these days. The world is based on machine speed thinking rather than careful and cautious deliberation. For the moment, our brains can still out process any machine on the planet. We have a group of people, within the human population that is, at least as is being proposed, who have an evolutionary purpose, adding measured thought and ideas into the vast kettle of impulsive world thought. It’s time to wake up to that.  Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconventional Defense of Sensitive Men
 A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
For the next eight to ten weeks, I am going to be providing excerpts from my upcoming book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconditional Defense of Sensitive Men. I am anticipating a release date on Amazon, et.al., sometime in late September. Please enjoy this free preview of the book. From Chapter 5 – What is Sensory Processing Sensitivity? The trait that defines the Highly Sensitive Person personality is called Sensory Processing Sensitivity—SPS. This trait, part of a larger category of traits and theories about environmental sensitivity, pertains to how organisms, in this case, human organisms, adapt to the environment by way of sensory inputs and adaptations to move toward or away from change or stimuli in order to survive. Sensory Processing Sensitivity involves increased sensitivity of the central nervous system and deeper cognitive processing of emotional, physical, and social stimuli.[i] It is estimated that 15 to 20 percent of the human population has this characteristic and supports the idea of its evolutionary value because in order for the characteristic to retain value it must be utilized by a small portion of the population. Its utility diminishes the larger the numbers of individuals within a population have this trait. This is known as negative dependency frequency.[ii] First popularized in her book, The Highly Sensitive Person, Dr. Aron was instrumental in classifying this characteristic as a trait and not a disorder, and that this trait can be positive and evolutionarily significant. She and her husband developed a standardized measurement scale, known as the Highly Sensitive Person Scale, and for children, the Highly Sensitive Child Scale, which has become the benchmark for measuring an individual’s tendencies toward high sensitivity. In addition, this trait has been observed in over one hundred non-human species of animals.[iii] The work has been built on earlier work by Eysenck and his views on introversion, Pavlov’s work on overstimulation, Gray’s work on Reinforcement Sensitivity Theory, and Jung’s work on Introversion and Extroversion.[iv] All of these personality antecedents relate in some way to how the individual reacts to stimuli in the environment. Early studies looked at this sensitivity, which focused on childhood temperaments, Thomas and Chess (1977) and Mehrabian developed a self-reporting tool that measured something akin to sensitivity. Aron believes that the innate characteristic within SPS is the reaction to environmental cues and a pause-and-check processing, especially in novel situations.[v] This has important implications for the survival skills of the species where certain individuals are more cautious and contemplative when presented with new environmental cues. This is a hallmark for the cautious nature of HSPs. Introversion studies led to the Sensory Processing Sensitivity theory, where the marker for sensory stimuli was seen to be lower in introverts than extroverts. This, coupled with the addition of a depth of processing component and the importance of emotional reactivity in learning, and the tendency toward overstimulation rounded out the parameters of the SPS theory. The emphasis here is on learning and adaptability. A real issue comes down to accurate decision-making. The emotional reactivity component of SPS that aids in evaluating a situation correctly, without the need for conscious thought, turns out to be the quickest and most efficient form of decision-making, according to Aron.[vi] The ability to analyze and decide based on emotional reactivity, memory, and unconscious learned processes appears to make the SPS individual ideally suited for analyzing a situation and making an efficient decision, which plays against type. Increasingly, the Sensory Processing Sensitivity theory is gaining traction as part of a collection of adaptive personality models that focus on individual abilities to process environmental stimuli within the Environmental Sensitivity model. As its credibility rises, it is taking a larger portion of that model and may be the central theme within how individuals react in the world. There is now some conjecture that SPS is part of a continuum that includes all members of the population, allowing it to be more broadly defined in personality theory. The idea is that there are essentially three groups of SPS types within the larger community. Those who have low SPS (also known as Daisies), comprise 20 to 25 percent of the population, those in the mid-range 45 to 50 percent of the population (the Tulips) and those most associated with this trait, the high-end SPS individuals (known as Orchids) at approximately 20 to 25 percent. The flower metaphor illustrates the environmental requirements of each of the flower species, Daisies being most environmentally adaptable with the least amount of effort/nurturing and the Orchids being the most demanding of the environment with higher requirements. This illustrates the necessity of a positive development environment on high SPS individuals, where the correlation between thriving, positive, supportive, and nurturing environments is extremely high. Sensory Processing Sensitivity Traits People with SPS are considered highly sensitive individuals. A myriad of traits are associated with this personality, many of which have to do with a rich and complex internal life. SPS individuals are generally very conscientious and diligent, tend to be more spiritual, and are moved more easily by the arts and being in nature. HSPs display more empathy and sympathy to those less fortunate or to helpless animals or creatures in need of aid. Sensitive individuals show more creativity and can be quite innovative thinkers, if not under pressure or are being watched. Studies show that HSPs have increased activation in the reward centers of the brain, flourishing in positive environments, where there is support, nurturing, and ample time to perform expected tasks. They often experience feelings of awe and satisfaction because of increased deep thinking functioning and sensory awareness. In addition, a study has shown that SPS individuals are more likely to report mystical phenomena in sensory deprivation tanks than the general population.[vii] The downside of SPS borders on neuroticism. Feelings of depression, anxiety, and stress, internalizing problems too much, lower levels of happiness in life, poor stress management strategies—and in the wrong environments, lower work satisfaction. The environment is everything to an SPS individual. Since HSPs are more sensitive to the environment, picking up subtle and not so subtle cues can create situations of overwhelm and stress. If consistent and persistent these moments can lead to self-devaluation and depression. There will be more focus on this later in the book, but suffice it to say that a bad environment for sensitives is chaotic, unpredictable, with ambiguous expectations, lack of support and empathy, loud, with high-pressure demands, and inability to process and think. [i] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensory_processing_sensitivity [ii] https://scottbarrykaufman.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Pers-Soc-Psychol-Rev-2012-Aron-1088868311434213.pdf [iii] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensory_processing_sensitivity [iv] https://reader.elsevier.com/reader/sd/pii/S0149763418306250?token=4BB1776515ACDA4CC0506CE58BA16249C7D772B9A427B7342BFC4FF8F5B258BB385ED918DDB46C5C6176F9086AEE984A [v] https://scottbarrykaufman.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Pers-Soc-Psychol-Rev-2012-Aron-1088868311434213.pdf [vi] https://scottbarrykaufman.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Pers-Soc-Psychol-Rev-2012-Aron-1088868311434213.pdf [vii] Ibid.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
For the next eight to ten weeks, I am going to be providing excerpts from my upcoming book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconditional Defense of Sensitive Men. I am anticipating a release date on Amazon, et.al., sometime in late September. Please enjoy this free preview of the book. From Chapter 4 – Common Traits and Characteristics of Highly Sensitive Males HSPs are often labeled as sensitives, those who can gain nuanced information from the environment simply by showing up and paying attention. But what exactly does that mean? Think back to the idea of the depth of processing. The sensory information that HSPs receive is largely the same data input as anyone else, HSP or not. Our eyes aren’t bigger, our ears aren’t better receivers, our skin doesn’t have more sensory cells, our taste buds aren’t fatter, our noses aren’t olfactory blessed. We receive the same inputs as the general population does. The deciding factor is the way this data gets filtered and processed. Our brains are wired to take data inputs and process them more thoroughly, passing many times through a process that gleans the maximum amount of information per packet. Our eyes don’t see any better than others, but our brain processes the small fly on the wall that no one else notices. Body language is processed through sight and memory to discern that someone is not happy, but is not revealed in their outward demeanor. We smell the strong perfumed woman in the room twenty feet away, because we register the annoyance of the strength of the application of the perfume. We detect the music is too loud, because our processing of sound does not allow us to filter out the exceeding thumping of the bass line in the music. You could surmise that our filters are triggered at a lower threshold than others. If so, then we notice more in a quick cursory scan of the environment. The subtle taste of too much salt in an hors d’oeuvre that offends our tongue may go unnoticed by another who simply ignores the discrepancy. The scratchiness of the starched shirt we are wearing becomes annoying over time because we can’t easily shut off the sensory processing. This does not mean we suffer from over sensory input or hypersensitivity, but that our processing of the sensory input gets processed over and over to the point where it can become an annoyance. Even so, that ability to process deeply the information we receive can be a source of intuition and insight. Seeing the nuanced or noticing the subtle makes it easy to infer the detail of a situation and see things that others don’t. This is the source of much creativity and why so many creative people are highly sensitive people. The effects on emotions and intelligence can be profound. A mood can change in a flash, simply because of noticing something in the environment that is irritating or troubling. The subtle texture of our world can be a source of newfound inspiration or the source of emotional pain. To see the subtle aspects, the fine details of the world, can certainly enhance the intelligence of the individual, especially if there is an emotional charge to what is seen. I think this is why so many HSPs are perceived as being more intelligent. It isn’t about raw processing power or the ability to discern logical solutions to problems, but rather a way of sensing one’s way around the environment, picking clean the leftovers that others pass by, the small details that in some cases can be life or death. It then becomes encoding and storing the knowledge for later use. It is with the deep processing that this stored data becomes valuable at a later date. Good memory aided by strong emotional coding. This is where the value add is for this characteristic; the ability to learn from the subtleties of life and not leave behind any useful data, to gather every stone and turn them until they are polished nuggets of knowledge. This is a very slow, deliberate process. This is why HSPs are not quick decision-makers. The decisions they make are often full of insight and provide a big-picture vision that detail decision-making with its raw churning of information may miss. Now I don’t want to paint a brushstroke so broad that it appears all HSPs are intuitive gurus who are always accurate about conclusions. They are not. Intuition can only go so far, and sometimes internal biases can color the outcome regardless of the input. Energized emotion or fatigue can factor into discoloring the insights, perhaps distorting the obvious, with personal prejudices. As always, our senses can fool us, and regardless of how sure we processed the input accurately, we can be off the mark as much as non-HSPs. Being the conscientious creatures we are, we may back off with our intuitions if they are proven to be inaccurate. Confidence can wane without some reinforcement from the external world. I see this trait as a valuable part of the HSP profile. It should be encouraged, not discouraged. When there is inaccuracy, we should chalk it up to the absolute uncertainty of any thought outcome, and that our conclusions are either inaccurate for the moment, spot-on, or ahead of our time. Coming to conclusions is often an iterative process; each stroke of the wheel brings you closer to accuracy; one conclusion leads to another until a consensus is gained. Many HSPs don’t recognize the value of this nonstandard intelligence we possess. It is complementary to the logical, deductive reasoning of the twenty-first century, which is focused on the following of a specific format and hard grinding out of solutions. HSPs tend to snatch things out of the blue and place them in order, creating new thoughts and patterns. It is a process that allows us to look up from the desk and see out the window, sensing and feeling our way to intuitive solutions, ones that can never be seen without lifting one’s head.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
For the next eight to ten weeks, I am going to be providing excerpts from my upcoming book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconditional Defense of Sensitive Men. I am anticipating a release date on Amazon, et.al., sometime in late September. Please enjoy this free preview of the book. From Chapter 3 –Being Different Growing Up: Rising to the Top As was often the case with me, I didn’t fit in well. I tried hard to conform outwardly, but never quite managed to internalize those changes. I felt I lived the life of an imposter. There was much incongruity of who I was and what I presented to the world. Around friends, the neighborhood kids, I was much more confident. These interactions were more one-on-one, and I selected my friends carefully. As my family settled in to the neighborhood in South Carolina, where I grew up, I gained a newfound sense of confidence in who I was. I found that I was a natural leader and organizer. Our neighborhood was almost a frame right out of The Little Rascals. We organized baseball, football, and basketball games with other neighborhoods. I found myself being the one everyone came to find out what was going on. We built campgrounds in the woods, organized campouts with the neighbor kids, and generally had idyllic summers. I was the one doing the organizing, and I liked that role. At one point, I decided to create a neighborhood newsletter and received a student style typewriter where I crafted stories. The next-door neighbor’s mother was a school teacher, who mimeographed the newsletter so we could distribute them. Yes, in the right circumstances and with a certain comfort level, I could easily rise to the top. I was a likable, smart kid and believed in the team concept, yet appreciated my friends as individuals. I was well organized and great planner for the neighborhood. I never realized that these characteristics were natural talents. I just never received the right feedback. In school plays, I was always chosen to be the play’s narrator, usually the first kid out in costume, reciting my lines nervously, but flawlessly. If the costumes were dorky, I got the first laugh, which, of course, was embarrassing for me. One year, we performed a play about George Washington and the founding fathers. I walked out in front of the curtain to start the show, with a quick narration about the subject matter, sporting a concocted wig made of cotton balls that, by the time the play had started was beginning to disintegrate. I was tall and skinny and must have looked ridiculous because the audience burst out in laughter when I walked to center stage. Yet, somehow, I managed to execute on my lines and exit red-faced but relieved. My good memory and my conscientiousness were showing. Perhaps that was why I landed the same part every year. I had a very good sense of humor, a family trait, one that my father shared with us. When I was around familiar company, I could do some spot-on impressions, voices, and characters that made my friends laugh. This was very encouraging. I had a knack for parody and loved to watch comedians on television. My favorites—and inspirations—were Jonathan Winters, George Carlin, and Bill Cosby (before the troubles). I loved to watch oddball shows like Get Smart and Green Acres; it seemed the more absurdist the comedy, the better for me. When Laugh-In came on in the late sixties, it was the sole reason I never went beyond First Class Scout. I quit going to Scout meetings because they were in the same time slot as Laugh-In. There is much to be said for a good sense of humor. I think it can be one of the best redeeming qualities for a sensitive boy/man. Our keen sense of observation can aid us in adding layers of texture to our humor. I believe the best comedians are all sensitive people. There is some ironic and dramatic underlying reason that HSPs put themselves out there for criticism, just to present their quirky view of life. Brave souls, all of them.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
For the next eight to ten weeks, I am going to be providing excerpts from my upcoming book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconditional Defense of Sensitive Men. I am anticipating a release date on Amazon, et.al., sometime in late September. Please enjoy this free preview of the book. From Chapter 2 – What Defines a Sensitive Man? : Embracing our Eccentricities We are a peculiar bunch, we HSPs. Some might even say we are a bit eccentric. This is especially true for Highly Sensitive Males. We HSMs are a small percentage of a small percentage of the human population, and we don’t meet, for the most part, the stereotypes of the modern western male. But … eccentric? Dictionary.com[i] defines eccentric as adj.: deviating from the recognized or customary character, practice, etc., irregular erratic, peculiar, odd. Noun: A person who has an unusual, peculiar, or odd personality, set of beliefs, or behavior patterns. The word has its roots from the (Medieval Latin) eccentricus and from the Greek ekkentr(os), which is to be out of the center. It is used in geometry and astronomy to describe something that is out of center or not concentric. In other words, something that lies on the outside. Eccentricity is often tolerated or even revered in those who are very wealthy or are celebrities. Their odd ways and behaviors can become fashionable among the masses, and are sometimes talked about as if these eccentrics are geniuses or acceptable outliers. In that regard, eccentricity can be a favorable quality, making one a leader or a trendsetter by walking a different path. But what makes us HSMs seem eccentric to others? Is it the emotional aspects of our personalities, our broad accepting worldview, or our internal conflicts about our masculinity? What about our aversion to overstimulation, the hermitic deep processing of our experiences, or the masculine/feminine polarity that many HSM men wrestle with? Are we too moody, too quiet, too sensitive to criticism, too introverted? We can be too empathetic, too observational, and too persnickety to environmental changes, but are we that different? Do we appear to the outside world to be outliers, strange, hard to figure out, and hard to live with? In some cases, do people want to throw up their hands and give up on us because we are too much work? But does that make us eccentric? Maybe. Eccentricity, also known as quirkiness, is not necessarily a maladaptive behavior. But, yes, we can be a bit off-center from mainstream personalities and behaviors. Many HSPs have intellectual giftedness and curiosity, and a propensity for original and creative thought. We see things differently via our peculiar and unique perceptive lens. But are we eccentric? The psychologist David Meeks states that eccentrics are less prone to mental illness than the general population.[ii] Doesn’t that seem odd? Perhaps if you look at some of the other defining characteristics of eccentrics, it makes more sense. Eccentrics have an enduring propensity for non-conformity, are creative (sound familiar?), have a strongly motivated curiosity (and I would add observational skills), an enduring sense of differentness, and embrace this wonderful idealism that drives them to want to make the world a better place to live. Besides, eccentrics are intelligent, outspoken, and have a quirky, mischievous sense of humor. With that battery of personality characteristics, it seems eccentrics are well armed for survival in uncertain times, does it not? Because we HSPs have increased awareness and sensitivity to our environment and we process very deeply and thoughtfully, it makes sense that to the majority of the non-HSP world we may seem to be a bit different. And what about our tendency toward overwhelm—how we can so easily be affected by others’ moods or emotions, then retreat to our voluntary isolation, our emotional caves. We are prone to unrealistic perfectionism at times, which sometimes causes us to live out of sync with our environment and the people around us. So with our enhanced qualities of sensory detail, nuanced expression, and meaning, our emotional awareness, which leads us to greater empathy and an expression of creativity, can we not be seen as eccentric? Think about this: the following people have been associated with the quality of high sensitivity or Sensory Processing Sensitivity:[iii] Woody Allen, Steve Martin, Orson Welles, Edgar Allan Poe, Salvador Dali, Picasso, Stephen Spielberg, George Lucas, Nicole Kidman, Katherine Hepburn, John Lennon, Elton John, Alanis Morissette, Neil Young, and Dolly Parton. And my personal favorite, Robin Williams. That’s a pretty quirky bunch, wouldn’t you say? Eccentric … well, yes, in a lot of ways. But they turned that eccentricity into beautiful art. They are beloved by millions. And perhaps their sensitivity played heavily into their creative process. For some, it might have been a way to mask and protect themselves; for others, it might have been a way to reach out and find common ground with the world. But for all of them, they risked being called eccentric to rise above criticism and be themselves. So, if we HSPs are that quirky, strange, or weird, what do we do about it? Is some eccentricity good for HSPs? I mean, is eccentricity really simply being different? But wait, we are different. We already know that. Instead, how do we embrace our eccentricity, so we can stop worrying about what others think about us? Should we promote and socialize our uniqueness? As people learn more about our nature, our personality, our SPS secret, maybe will they better understand us, and with that, begin to normalize us. Here are some things to think about concerning our “eccentricity”:
[i] https://www.dictionary.com/browse/eccentric [ii] http://psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Eccentric_behavior [iii] http://www.genconnect.com/albert-einstein-nicole-kidman-jim-hallowes-list-of-famous-highly-sensitive-people/  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
For the next eight to ten weeks, I am going to be providing excerpts from my upcoming book, Confessions of a Sensitive Man, An Unconditional Defense of Sensitive Men. I am anticipating a release date on Amazon, et.al., sometime in late September. Please enjoy this free preview of the book. From Chapter 1 - What … me, Sensitive? : Growing up, I knew I was different. I was different from all the other boys in the neighborhood. I was taller, skinnier, and more sensitive. Yeah, sensitive. At the time I didn’t know what sensitivity was all about. Growing up in South Carolina in the fifties and sixties, the profile for boys was rough-and-tumble, getting dirty, getting into fights, and letting all criticism roll right off your back. The last thing I wanted to be was a sensitive boy. Back then, every boy was subject to the code: boys were expected to be little men. They had to be tough, unemotional, and above all, not like little girls. It was easy to fail this code if you were a sensitive type. I saw things differently; I experienced life through a different lens and filter than most boys. It was harder for me to “just get over” life’s bumps and bruises. I took them to heart and ruminated ferociously the mistakes I made, whether real or imagined. I felt alone most of the time, the only boy in a family of girls. My father was distant and somewhat disaffected. He was an HSP (a highly sensitive person) himself but didn’t know it. I don’t know whether he was trying to whip me into code or if he knew it would be easier for me if I simply conformed. Eventually, I got the message and created a self-image through sports. I was a fairly good athlete, rangy and quick, but not with supreme athletic ability. It was enough to make me slightly above average. This went over well with my male friends. I knew this because I was generally picked in the top five for things like kickball, softball, and especially basketball. Being tall made it easy not to be missed for early selection. You can’t teach tall. I loved football but hated the contact. My dad played football in high school. He was voted most athletic in the school, so there was some pressure for me to be athletic, although I admit, it wasn’t a fanatical expectation. I put more pressure on myself than anyone. This was a proving ground. This was a way I could prove I was a man. Before high school, there were Dixie Youth Baseball and Pop Warner football. I never was talented enough or motivated enough to play baseball. That was a miss on my part. Wearing your baseball cap on game day to school was a sign that you had arrived as a little man. I tried out later for Pop Warner, and the coaches pretty much sealed my fate. They must have been ex-Marine Corp drill instructors because they wore our butts out in the first practice. Kids were falling out all over the field. I was one of them. I was beyond sore. The pain was excruciating, and I knew that football was probably not for me. Back then, there was no organized basketball for kids, so I just played around the neighborhood. We developed our own neighborhood teams and played other kids in the surrounding neighborhoods. Games could last all night, and best of all, there were no coaches to screw it up for us. I didn’t mind contact, and that was a good thing as I was generally picked to play center. As my skills improved, respect began to come. I was on the eighth-grade team for a brief time but hated the coach. He yelled constantly; sometimes, I thought, simply to yell. I didn’t like that. He was an ass. I quit the team, even as the varsity coach, a neighbor, was talking to me about moving me up to the high school team. This is a place where being sensitive really hurt me. I got nervous about the “promotion” to varsity and was overwhelmed with fear. I quit before my basketball career could begin, succumbing to my fears. This continued throughout high school. I had trouble with relationships. On the one hand, I was a pretty shy guy in the public eye, but quite gregarious around close friends. It was difficult for me to ask girls out on dates. I was like most teenage boys, pretty awkward with talking to the opposite sex. Not like the more popular boys who seemed to have a personality trait that made them calm and debonair. I assumed it was a lack of masculine magnetism on my part. Again, another place I failed to meet the boy/man code. Of course, it never helped my cause to always be in pursuit of girls who had no interest in me. I got used to dealing with a lot of emotional highs and lows, the angst of adolescence. For the most part, I dealt with it alone. The feelings I had didn’t seem manly enough to discuss with my parents or friends. I learned to be my own best friend. As I got into the upper grades of high school, I started underachieving. I was an honor student up until my junior year of high school when I met my first crush, a senior girl, in yearbook staff. She was different. This was the early seventies, and by all definitions she was a hippie chick. I was from a conservative and devoutly Christian family. Our meeting was like the meeting of matter and anti-matter, and it changed my world. Everything I had learned to that point, I never questioned. I may not have liked it, but I was not positioned to oppose the values that I had been brought up with. She opened my mind to a new way of looking at things, and I began my long journey to accepting and embracing who I was.  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male Years ago, a young Gregg Allman penned a song, one of the best blues tunes of that era, about a man being abused and used by an amour. The song was aptly called Whipping Post. He cried out in the song, that the anguish and pain felt like being tied to a whipping post. The gritty blues song belted out with his gravelly, bluesy voice and masterfully played by his fellow bandmates, epitomized the pain of emotion gone wrong. HSP men, often easygoing, gentle men, sometimes find themselves on the brunt end of emotional flak from insensitive men and women. The criticisms and put-downs are often related to our sensitive nature, which is in sharp contrast to theirs. Perhaps, we are criticized as well for our insights and intuitions or because of the ups and downs of our emotional makeup. It sometimes feels like we are tied to an emotional whipping post to be flogged and humiliated in public displays of pseudo dominance. Why all the hate? Lesser men often attack those they think are weaker. This bullying is nothing more than internalized insecurity, probably from an early childhood background of abuse and neglect. They are wounded, you are not. You, as an HSP, express the things that they repress -the emotion, the feelings, the empathy that they lack, but secretly crave. They resent you for your ability to express these things that make us human – the ability to care, to nurture, and be supportive. Even some women get into this game, often because they have unrealistic fantasies about men as superheroes, saviors and warriors, white knights to save them from their core insecurities. This, again, brought to them by poor socialization and self-esteem learned from their parents. These women put you down because you don’t live up to their projection of what a man is supposed to be. They chain you to the whipping post and try to humiliate you—another example of insecurity. Don’t internalize the negativity. Whatever you do, don’t internalize this negativity. Walk away from this crap. Confrontation does not lead to resolution. Don’t take the comments to heart. They are not a projection of you, but rather the “other” projecting on you their fears and insecurities. This is a life lesson for all HSPs, don’t let your sensitive nature absorb the toxicity of others. Let go of the attacks. So what to do? Unleash yourself from the shackles of the whipping post. Don’t be a target for these weak people. In a real power move on your part – walk away. You hold the power of the chains that bind you. Keep your head up, move on. Your strength lies within you. You are, in the end, the better man for disengaging. Remember, you tie yourself to the whipping post by any inaction on your part. The whipping post, by its very definition, is a tool for humiliation and pain. Never let anyone denigrate you for who you are and what you are. We, as HSPs, are done with this. The tide is turning.   A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
I’ve been writing about toxic masculinity lately, mainly because it has become more noticeable and visible in every aspect of our lives. I’ve also noticed that toxic masculinity is not just something that men perpetrate, but I have noticed some women are now espousing this philosophy. Toxic politics may be to blame with its scorched earth mentality towards the opposition. Granted, the vast majority of women are not for this corrupted version of masculinity, but still, some seem to champion it amongst their men and even incorporate it in their outlook towards others. The Darwinian paradox at play, I suppose. It seems to me that inherent to this phenomenon is inward cowardice, so-called manly men, trapping themselves in their toy soldier suits of armor, marching about menacingly, and calling themselves courageous. Yet they prey on the weak and vulnerable, like marauding herds of hyenas. Their “victories” are hollow and shameless, the triumph of shallow men. We are now surrounded by cowardly men – empowered by social media, spewing their culture of lies and distortions, deception, and malice. They become our paper leaders. As a society, we are better than this. Where is the Honor? Have we lost our will to show honor? Do real men need to breach the etiquette of decency, to deviate from the precepts of equality, genuine liberty, and full brotherhood and sisterhood to all men and women? What depravity has led us to this place we now find ourselves? Honor beseeches us to consider the virtue of the greater good. The suppression of others has no place in an advanced society. Has our technology surpassed our ability to act as thoughtful, rational, and compassionate humans? There is no honor in toxic masculinity, only raw one-celled emotion, a selfish desire to consume at all costs for ones on pleasure. We see the cost every day, in our environment, our culture, our obsession with money over life, and the self-aggrandizement of selfish desire. We have hit that peak moment in our politics. We are empowering cowardly men to decide the fate of all of us. I see no honor there. Where is the Obligation? Our leaders have failed us. They have been elected to protect and to serve us, yet they serve some other master. Where is their obligation to be virtuous leaders? We live in a culture where a few have everything serviced by cowardly men who step and fetch to their master’s whims. Look around; you see the greatest in need are the least served. We are surrounded by reptilian selfishness. A few oblige themselves to hoard in epic proportions, leaving none for the rest of us. Where is the mammalian service, the tending to the herd? This few have spewed lies about striving for the common good, calling it radical socialism and authoritarian communism and other pejoratives that discourage honest discourse on the obligation we have to each other. Where is the Moral Integrity? What happened to our foundations of moral integrity? Those universal truths that are supposed to be self-evident. Have we lost our moral compass? We live our lives if codes of ethics no longer matter. When lies masquerade as truths when there are no consequences for breaking societal boundaries, the floor comes out from within us, and we sink deeper into moral depravity. Where is the courage in that? We are suffering from an empathy deficiency. When selfish interests replace empathy, then morality takes wing, order becomes chaos, and the cowardly grifters sit like noisy vultures at the commons table. Without empathy, there is no morality. Where is Courage? Do we even know what courage is anymore? I mean real courage, not the false bravado kind you see with the legions of toy soldiers with their camo gear and military-grade guns. This week we lost a true warrior, a man of courage, and an HSP male, Congressman John Lewis. He was a peaceful warrior who wielded the weapons of persistence, kindness, and the fiery sword of truth. He took his beatings, but he never yielded. That, children, is bravery. This is courage. Cowards hide behind their external shields, while brave men, like John Lewis, stand out in the light of day. Real courage comes from within – it is gender-neutral and age-neutral. Courage means to plant feet firmly in-ground and stand up for something greater than yourself, yes, even in the face of sinister opposition. Courage does not hide or blame, and you don’t need to swagger as a manly man to be brave. Inner strength arises when enough is enough. HSP men should rise now. History is calling us to rise now. We can and are required to model the changes needed – the changes in men’s voices. We can be that change. We can show that courage is lacking in the toxic masculines we see all around us; they are the corruption of manhood. They are the distortion of masculinity. They are cowardly men. They are not the good men that will lead us into the better world we need. We must be that change. All good men must rise and take back our world. “Be the change we wish to see(k),” Mahatma Gandhi  A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
Overcoming overwhelm is an HSPs number one priority. There are so many tools out there that can aid in calming your mind and helping you settle down when overwhelm strikes. There are many mobile phone apps specifically designed for relaxation and calming and are portable and generally easy to use. Since most people travel with their phones in easy reach, these might aid in helping HSPs relax when out and about or even at home. Most of the apps featured or low cost or have a modest subscription fee or are free for the basic service. They should also both be available for IOS and Android. Of course, this is not an exhaustive list but can serve as a jumping-off point to start your journey exploring tools to help you. There is some overlap in the groups. # 1 – Mindfulness/Meditation Apps– The purpose of these apps is to help you with starting a daily meditation practice or helping you learn to be mindful of your anxiety or intrusive thoughts. When doing meditation or deep relaxation, it is essential to reach a state of dominant alpha or theta brainwave activity to achieve that blissful state of relaxation. Brainwave state is dynamic, and to maintain the needed state takes work and discipline, this is where the benefit of the app comes in. Although the apps aren’t necessary to create this state, they serve as an immediate feedback loop to the user.
Understand that all old school Luddites may bristle at the idea of using phone apps for relaxation practice and that it should and can be achieved internally without the use of electronics. And this is true to some extent. However, getting started with the old-fashioned ways can require a certain discipline and strict adherence that many folks don’t have the time or inclination to achieve. Many HSPs will like the convenience of a spot fix, such as an app, that they can pull out on the fly for immediate relief. And phone apps can’t be beaten for timeliness or convenience. They are worth taking a look. There are many, many apps available, so travel beyond the suggestions and explore on your own. I’d love to hear what you find. |
AuthorBill Allen currently lives in Lutz, Florida. He previously lived in Bend, Oregon. He is a certified hypnotist and brain training coach at BrainPilots.com. He believes that male sensitivity is not so rare, but it can be confounding for most males living in a culture of masculine insensitivity which teaches boys and men to disconnect from their feelings and emotions. His intent is to use this blog to chronicle his personal journey and share with others. 
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