The Sensitive Man - 7 Ways to See Your Sensitivity as a Strength

Western culture seems to disdain sensitivity in men. Our prevailing concept of manliness is of rugged individualism, with little or no outward display of emotion. Well, perhaps, anger is revered, as in righteous indignation, but any so called “soft emotions” are eschewed by our culture. 

Men are seen as week if tears appear in public or a shimmering sunset leaves a man speechless.  Any signs of tenderness or any show of depth of emotion often relegated to females is seen as unmasculine. As Dr. Tracy Cooper, psychologist and HSM says,” …American culture is steeped in a masculinity that glorifies anger, aggressive behavior, domination over women, and winning at all costs.”

I take exception to this notion that sensitivity is a weakness. In fact, I would argue that is a strength that is much needed right now in men. For just a moment, let’s throw out the words high sensitivity for men and replace it with high sensing or acute sensory perception. Both of these terms more accurately reflect what is really going on with highly sensitive people. In fact, it is officially known as sensory processing sensitivity.

Let’s imagine what is going on with HSMs on an everyday basis. Imagine if you will, a filter that sits somewhere within the brain that is allowing sensory input to reach the unconscious mind. For non-HSPs, this filter is set at a lower threshold than HSPs. It allows less data to pass through into the brain from the senses which naturally affects the parts of the brain that control emotion, fears, and behaviors. The filter trips and lets a steady but moderate about of sensory info to pass through.

In HSPs, our filter has a higher threshold and more data is allowed to pass through to the brain. Meaning more data to affect emotions and feelings and still requiring the extra associated processing needs taken to process the data. What this means is that when there is a lower filter threshold (non-HSP), there is lower sensory registration, conversely, a higher filter threshold (HSP) means higher sensory registration. In its simplest form, HSPs process more sensory information than non-HSPs. And, this is not a choice, it just happens. So stop it with the, “you need to toughen up”, or “you’re too sensitive.”

Because of this, data has to be processed and the task of doing this can be overwhelming at times. Remember this data is affecting moods, behaviors, and thoughts. These emotions may be triggered from deep within the brain and can often lead to what most non-HSPs see as moodiness in HSPs.  For men, the last thing we like to be classified as is – drama queens. So, instead we bury emotions deep within ourselves, mask our feelings, and cover up our true nature. A lot gets killed in the process --feelings, intuition, and creativity and disconnection with our feelings.  

Furthermore, let’s not confuse emotional hypersensitivity with highly sensing capability. They sometimes look alike but are not. High sensitivity is not a disorder. And having an HSP personality does not necessarily mean you are emotionally fragile and or dysfunctional. We do need to be aware as HSPs that we do have a highly active amygdala,  a lower perceptual threshold and the tendency towards deep processing, which can condition us to be more reactive than active. It’s not just stimulus – response with us, it’s more like stimulus – rumination – response. And of course, that comes across as very un-John Waynish, in a culture that emphasizes “doing” over “just being or thinking.”

But what do all these abilities (remember, I see this as an asset) give us highly sensing men? Do these traits give us some advantages?  Let’s look at a few; see if you can relate:

1. Creativity is one of the greatest gifts that many HSPs have. The highly sensing perception coupled with the deep processing often leads to new ideas and creations. This gives HSPs an enormous advantage in tasks involved with problem solving and developing novel ideas.
2. Conscientiousness. If we are anything, HSPs are conscientious. I dare any HSP to not remember a report card from school where that word was not written somewhere on it.  Because we care about our work and because we have a perfectionist streak, we always tend to give above and beyond on tasks assigned.
3. Empathy. HSMs can start coming out of the closet on this one. We are by nature empathetic, we sense, we know, we care – and as Marlena Dietrich said, “can’t help it.” Empathetic leaders are in high demand; this quality makes for great leadership, yet seems to be pretty scarce. One day in the post-Trump era, we may collectively get this.
4. Intuition is all about pulling up material from the unconscious. Because we tend to absorb more from the external world, process more in the internal world, we tend to have more stuff to bring up, stuff that allows us to intuit our world. It seems magic to our conscious mind, but it’s really dredging the base of the iceberg. In the Western world, intuition is one of those things that most people are wary of, especially scientists. It’s nearly impossible to measure or observe or study and gets short shrift. However, use your intuition to make some shrewd stock picks and you’ll be somebody’s hero, and probably make some fans along the way. It’s real.
5. Emotional leadership. Because we are more in tune with our emotions, or should I say our emotions are tuning us, we tend to have a full spectrum emotional palette. This can be an important leadership trait and feeds into intuition and empathy. Men, this is where we can do our work. We need to model this for the warriors, who often lose touch with the emotional self and in doing so lose a part of their humanity.
6. Environmental stewardry. We tend to be highly affected by our environments. Our tendency to absorb and process is very keen. We take cues from our environment and what we’ve received can positively or negatively affect us. This ability to almost unconsciously perceive gives us an advantage in ferreting out “toxicity” in the environment long before others do. We can be very valuable; in fact, this strength is evolutionary, in helping shape the fabric of our world.
7. Insight. Because a good deal of our deep processing is in fact very deep within us, we tend to arrive at insights that are not often common. These insights like intuition and creativity can be deep or broad jumps in thinking that although not every day can be a leap forward for us, our community or the world.

Because of these traits, HSPs make great advisors and counselors, outstanding long range strategists, purveyors of alternate viewpoints, champions of moral justice, the balm to aggressiveness, bastions of harmony and fluidity and vessels of meaningfulness.

With all of this said, does our culture value these traits? In short, yes and no. The traits that lead to a monetary gain will be valued most; the others will get us a pat on the head and a doleful grin but not a bonus. However, I am hopeful that society can and will change. We are in the midst of the last of what I hope is unbridled, unrestricted capitalism, an untamed romp on the dark side. I believe that we are now standing just beyond the threshold to more sane times. HSMs are going to be instrumental in the transition.

Yes, I know you fellow HSMs have been dealing with negative feedback for the entirety of your life. You’ve repressed your true nature, you’ve played the game, you’ve bucked up, strapped on, and “acted like a man”. Now it’s time to let go of all of that repressive crap. Here are some ideas on how to do that.  Let’s run through the list, shall we?

• Embrace and acknowledge your difference. Understand that you are not an aberration and or dysfunctional. Science is going to back this up one day because the cat is out of the bag. Nature has granted you a gift. You will either use it or conform. Conformity is a bad option for a lifetime of denial.
• Reach out to other HSMs and communicate. Don’t isolate but create a community for yourself made up of people that get you. They can help reinforce the idea of your strength.
• Recognize that sensitivity is a strength provided by evolution to help preserve the species. Yeah, I now that sounds grandiose, but it occurs in others species as well. Think big picture. Now, recognize the special times in which we live, where HSMs and HSPs, in general, are needed. Pure and simple, you are an enhancer to the general population. Counsel, sing, paint, play, console, nurture, heal, do these things that you are wired to do. You will thrive and the world will love you for it.
• Practice being bold in your sensitivity. In other words, don’t mask the traits you naturally possess. Try them on in public, wear them proudly and expect pushback from the less sensitive. Be selective in who you get feedback from, find trusted sources that are honest and will feed your growth.
• Look to live where your strengths can be utilized. A place where you can be you in all of your glory. Environment is everything to HSPs.
• Develop coping mechanisms for overwhelm. Meditate, brain train, exercise, sleep well, be quiet and relax, do yoga, Tai Chi,  Qi Gong, hike, etc. It’s gonna happen at some point and you should be prepared. Active mindfulness or even inactive mindlessness are good ways to shape your brain’s capacity to handle the overload with quiet, recharging time and help you channel good energy. This will get you back off the bench and back in the game.

 
Thanks for dropping by, until next week…
  
 
References:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201210/the-highly-sensitive-man

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ironshrink/201411/the-difference-between-highly-sensitive-and-hypersensitive

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensory_processing_sensitivity

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201107/sense-and-sensitivity

http://www.hsperson.com/pages/1Aug05.htm

http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/beyondblue/2010/03/5-gifts-of-being-highly-sensit.html

https://drtracycooper.wordpress.com/2016/04/07/between-visibility-and-invisibility/

http://www.sensitiveevolution.com/how-to-minimize-social-anxiety/

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