The Sensitive Man - Finding My Way Back Home

A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male

“That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run. So I ran to the end of the road. And when I got there, I thought maybe I’d run to the end of town. And when I got there, I thought maybe I’d just run across Greenbow County. And I figured, since I run this far, maybe I’d just run across the great state of Alabama. And that’s what I did. I ran clear across Alabama. For no particular reason I just kept on going. I ran clear to the ocean. And when I got there, I figured, since I’d gone this far, I might as well turn around, just keep on going. When I got to another ocean, I figured, since I’d gone this far, I might as well just turn back, keep right on going.” – Forrest Gump

I have been on a physical journey and a spiritual quest for the past six years. I left a good corporate job, a good secure marriage and a comfortable life to pursue the elusive unicorn of happiness, right livelihood and to fulfill what destiny I had left in life. It has been full of painful lessons, foolish turns, odd shifts of fate,  and serendipity, with long pauses of loneliness and seemingly empty space.

I once took a vacation to Eastern Oregon a few years back. A part of the trip was to climb a very narrow, washboarded dirt road up a sheer hillside. Driving it was scary, hardly room for two cars to pass and in some places only room for one car. Even in a four-wheel drive vehicle, the sheer drop-offs were intimidating and nerve-wracking. The first few miles were filled with anxious caution, and I knew without turnouts that there was no turning back.

Once we leveled out on the plateau above, the road widened, making the remainder of the journey a wonderful excursion. At the summit, we were just over a mile above the meandering Snake River, far down below. It was a beautiful and awe-inspiring site, well worth the heart-pounding ascent.

Such is life. Tolkien once remarked in his Lord of the Rings trilogy, “not all those who wander are lost.” I hold this thought close to me when all seems murky and unclear. Sometimes its not about finding the path, but rather allowing the path to find you.

No trail taken is ever wasted, even those that lead us on dead ends. There is truth in every turn. Just like small trail flowers along the way, easy to overlook or step down with heavy beating feet, but each a small bundle of beauty to behold, and a valued treasure if one examines closely. One need only look up and around to grasp a view so beautiful that it hurts to leave, like a view that can only be appreciated from a distance. Once seen is then sealed in the heart forever.
However, any trail can be a trial. As an HSP male, I have often wondered how well suited I am for this journey. Is it harder for me because of my inherent HSP characteristics? Am I just prone to taking these side treks or does life have to force me into these non-linear loops?

Being sensitive and a gypsy seems odd cohabitants in my personality. Or does that make me well suited for this journey? With positive HSP qualities such as awareness, creativity, empathy, appreciation, intuition, and passion, does it not seem to make me a better observer and chronicler of all that I take in? The important question is how well can I integrate, process and assimilate the lessons of the trip.

We, HSPs are complex creatures. Our life journeys often test our strength and courage. We are strong but strong like water, not like rock. Our strength is pliable, amorphous and fluid, and what seems soft, is powerfully persistent. A knife can scratch a rock, yet does nothing to water. Water, given time can erode even the hardest, most immobile and immutable rock. So, which is the stronger? The silent rock edifice standing on the shore, or the crashing, relentless wave?

Finding the nuggets on our journey is what makes life worthwhile. We are both sensitive and highly sensing which makes these shiny chunks easier to spot, but harder to process. Emotionally charged events can leave the heart heavy with doubt, remorse or sorrow. Key stressors for us on the journey are crazy zigs and zags in life when our journey deviates from the plan, and our expectations drop. Challenges tax us and having to put up with less than desired outcomes when we make personal wrong turns add to our rumination. We then ride the tidal waves of immense highs and lows. Finding the secret treasures in our journey, can rejuvenate and enlighten us, especially when we need that lift.

Allowing that mash-up of good and bad, to mix and ferment, can make the sum of the journey something to savor, a deep reflective lesson, one for growth.

Doing this with complex emotions, crammed life lessons, solitary journeys, all allowed without the ability to see far down the road, or where the path leads. You still need to step forward, one foot leading the other, not always knowing where the trail leads – bending around a broad tree, descending into a deep, dark glen. We never know for sure. The existence of the trail is a testament to the fact that others have preceded you, no braver than you. You must trust the instincts and history of the trail. Relishing every moment, fighting back the doubt, knowing that the trail is not always the destination, but the path wherein the journey lies. As Lao-Tzu, the Chinese philosopher expressed, “What is beyond, is also here.”
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As for me, faith, trust, and anticipation of my destination keep me boot bound to the ground ahead of me. The power to imagine getting back home to familiar faces and longed-for places is what sustains me. Wasted and tired, beat down, but inspired, I keep looking to find my way home again.  No longer the same man that left. Soon, I will know, like Forrest Gump – “I’m tired now. I think I’ll go home.”