The Sensitive Man -How Sensitivity Has Impacted Me Positively- Part 1

A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
                                    
Socrates: Death isn't sad. The sad thing is: most people don't live at all.
From The Peaceful Warrior
 
I always knew that there was something different about me, always a bit more sensitive than other boys,  perhaps, a bit more finicky about what I wore, what music I listened to, what movies I liked. I was a little more high brow, less rough and tumble, less crude and always a deep thinker and observer. Even then, I tried to adapt to the prevailing model for boys – the boy's code. I was good at sports, joined the boy scouts, made treehouses in the woods behind our house, got into boyhood adventures which including minor trouble. All trying to fit in. Still, I knew I was different than the other friends I had. I relished my time alone – reading, dreaming, listening to music.

Throughout most of my adult life, I learned to adapt, to fit in more and fit the typical male role model. This was at times challenging, but I knew having grown up in the Southern United States, what men were supposed to be, look like and act like. I moved to California in the late seventies and started my adult life – away from Southern rules.

I grew up in the sixties and seventies when being different or more importantly being yourself was encouraged. A time when being unique was a good thing. Non-conformance was seen as a positive. Self-image for me was always evolving, yet, somehow I was always concerned about how I measured up as a man. My sensitivity in most things tended to seem awkward to friends, girlfriends, and others. I was taller than most boys, beanpole skinny, but athletic and likable. That probably saved me from a few butt whippings or being the target of bullies.

Somewhere in the mid-nineties, I found out about Highly Sensitive People. I can’t remember the exact route I took, but somehow I found out about Elaine Aron’s book on sensitivity and sensitive people.  When I read the book, my eyes opened and realized that it was about me and for me. It was life-changing. It was like being found, after years or lonely wondering in” the what am I?” wilderness.
Even later when high sensitivity was given a measure of credence,  being an HSP male among HSPs seemed fine, but being an HSP among non-HSP men was different. I seemed to have more female friends than male friends, although, I did have male friends. Just a few close male friends.

Nevertheless, I still struggled with my sensitivity and my masculinity, as it was defined for me by society. I began to question how this template for being a man fit in with my internal model and feelings. The fact was I didn’t. And I knew something had to give. Now that I’m older, I have learned about the importance of being authentic and being true to oneself.  I have learned to embrace my sensitivity, and I am now an advocate of the characteristics in myself and in men that have the same qualities. I’m proud to be a sensitive man, son of a sensitive man, and father and grandfather to sensitive children.

A good friend of mine, an intuitive life coach, gave me a reading once, to help me understand myself.  In it, she described that my life purpose was to be an observer of life and to put these observations to paper. Later I recognized that calling had led me to write. It fits me well. A chance to think to ponder deeply, to verbalize my thoughts and opinions and do it an environment I chose.

This blog and the next I’ll delve a little more into my personal views in describing what I consider to be the positive attributes of being an HSP and talk of some of the challenges in having this trait. I’m sure others could add to the list as I will in time. This week I focus on what I consider positive HSP characteristics.
 
Here’s a list of things that readily come to mind – positive HSP originated traits.
 

• I have always been emotionally aware of the environment. Being so makes me feel a bit more alive than most. I feel more keenly aware of myself, and the feelings of those around me making me a better observer and hopefully a better writer as a result. This characteristic maps to the HSP characteristic of processing more sensory data.
• I like to think that I’m more creative in how I take these observations and make conclusions based on how I process the information. This is especially useful in writing. Over the years it has made my observations unique. This relates to the deep processing HSPs do.
• My ability to relate to others, feeling their joy and their pain has made me an empathetic person.  I have used this quality to be an empathetic leader at work and in my relationships with others.  It is a very useful quality for building rapport with others and staying connected at a deep level. HSPs are naturally more empathetic; it is an end result of all the HSP characteristics.
• The deeper thinking and empathy contribute to the need to have spiritual awareness. To see beyond the physical and understand purpose, meaning and the deep, deep emotions of love and joy. It is the drive for harmony in my life, helping me to rise above my baser self and see the world around me.
• Conscientiousness, a distinct HSP trait, I have had my entire life – from the first reports cards from school to work reviews and life in general. It expands beyond myself outwards to others. As a thoughtful participant in my relationships, I am conscientious towards my partner’s needs, mindful that this is more than just a quality – it is how you project into the world.
• I am also a lover of all things sensual: music, art, theater, film, food, drink, intimacy, touch, taste, sight, and sound. I love quality over quantity. There is just something authentic about a quality sensual experience. Some people call it good taste. I call it fully embracing life. As an HSP there always was the concern about too much of a good thing – so, I add, I try to do this in moderation.
• Part of my observational skills is adaptability. Perhaps, an extension of fitting in.  It allows me to blend with a variety of people. Like a chameleon, the camouflage allows me to learn and observe.  This is part of rapport building with people – it builds trust and empathy. It expands my comfort zone and raises my learning levels.
• I consider one of the greatest strengths from being sensitive is my communication skills. Communicating by paying attention, learning to observe who I’m communicating with and being able to give feedback based on that. It’s called empathy. I am mindful of the words I choose and the effects they have on my audience.
• Finally, the greatest of all these HSP traits is the gift of intuitive insights. Intuition is a really deep observation of subtle sensory inputs and works on anything from business trends, football predictions to understanding the subtle nuances of life, deciphering politics and getting to the root motive of others. It’s not always correct and the more specific the insight, the harder to get it right. Often it’s just a feeling, a sense, an understanding. The hardest part is learning to trust that intuition. There’s more than appears on the surface – just like most HSPs.

All of these qualities have served me well. Some are valued by others; some are less valued, I value them all. Being an HSM has made me above all, unique, and at times a pariah. Some people don’t know what do with me, others embrace the differences and accept me for who I am. I have learned to be careful about who I choose as friends and to keep my inner circle small.

I am grateful for the qualities that I now see as powerful gifts given to me via a combination of genetics and environment. I discover more qualities every year and embrace them. Please share the qualities that you feel are tied to your sensitivity in the comments below.
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Next time we’ll look at the negative side of sensitivity as I see it.
 
 
Socrates: I call myself a Peaceful Warrior... because the battles we fight are on the inside
From The Peaceful Warrior