The Sensitive Man – Killing Me Softly with No Words, Male Normative Alexithymia

A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
 
Have you ever felt disconnected from your emotions so that you couldn’t find the words to express them clearly? Perhaps, you learned early in life that certain emotions were not to be expressed by men or boys. As a result, you learned to suppress those emotions under penalty of punishment or shame. So what happened to the feeling? Did it disappear or go away? Not hardly, you may have suppressed it, but the energy lingered within you -festering and eating at you, but you couldn’t talk about it for fear of appearing to be less than a man. A term for that in psychology was coined by psychologists John Case Nemiah and Peter Sifneos – male normative alexithymia. It is a personality function that, although not clinically defined as a disorder, does make it seem dysfunctional in the individual experiencing it.

Male normative alexithymia borrows the term from a personality trait known as alexithymia, which we will discuss briefly. In Western society, men are not often allowed to express difficult emotions that appear to expose a vulnerability, such as sadness, deep compassion, overt fear, or tenderness. Men are shamed or guilted if they express these emotions openly. In this context, the suppression of feelings is known as male normative alexithymia. It is a culturally assigned emotional regulation requirement that men are placed under to bolster their standing as strong, masculine men. It is pervasive in our male-dominated, hyper-masculine culture. For this article, we will focus on the impacts of male normative alexithymia and how we might change masculinity requirements to reflect a healthier relationship between men and their natural human emotions.
 
What is Alexithymia?
First, let’s describe alexithymia, the personality trait. Although not classified in the D.S.M. as a disorder, it certainly manifests as dysfunction and may vary in intensity depending on the individual.  Alexithymia comes from the Greek literally meaning “no words for emotions.”
Typically, there are four components of alexithymia: 1) difficulty identifying feelings, 2) difficulty describing feelings to others, 3) a stimulus-bound, externally oriented thinking style, and 4) constricted imaginal processes. In addition, alexithymia serves as a temporary defense against emotional pain where the individual suppresses or represses the conscious awareness of the emotion.  This trait manifests more often in men than in women. Hence, the name male normative alexithymia.

All emotions are biologically necessary for humans and are essential for our survival. Yet, males in our masculine-dominated culture are taught not to show feelings that portray any vulnerability. Instead, they are taught to display gestures of domination, aggression, extreme competition, and emotional stoicism.  This monkey suit of masculinity is the main factor in creating male normative alexithymia in men and contributes to physical and emotional health issues. Although men and male peer groups foist this philosophy onto boys, women as mothers may also contribute to what is seen as the estimable cultural norm.

Often this manifest as guilt or shame in men/boys who find the performative nature of this expectation to be difficult if not impossible to comply with. Often this creates aggressive or violent behavior to outlet the suppressed emotions. Yet, somehow this is seen as an acceptable way to show emotion. Male normative alexithymia is directly connected to this shame.

The End Result of the Inability of Male Expression of Emotions
When does all of this begin for males? Males are socialized early in life to suppress certain emotions. This socialization begins in boyhood, perhaps as early as infancy. Male children are treated differently by parents who model or encourage certain emotional responses which they feel are appropriate by gender. As boys reach school age, peer groups continue the reinforcement of the norm throughout schooling. Participation in organized activities such as sports, Boy Scouts, or activities where male prowess is prized continues the indoctrination. Although, in recent years, more awareness has been placed on gender roles and how they are differentiated amongst individuals, the prevailing ideas of masculinity vis-à-vis emotions remain largely traditional.

When the boy reaches adolescence, the pressure continues where peer pressure is greatest.  The pressure to conform is the genesis of guilt and shame or showing tender emotion. Unfortunately, as noted above, the result often is a violent and aggressive release of these suppressed emotions. Indeed, not a healthy release.

Our stoic warrior culture breeds this line of thinking. The toxic masculinity that most males are brought up in is also harmful to males. The seeds are planted early, but the dysfunction grows throughout life. This masculine norm is a slow-release poison, much like nicotine is to the smoker. It rots our capacity to express a fundamental human trait, the expression of emotions: including tenderness, kindness, compassion, and love.

The natural conclusion often leads to violent aggression and behaviors condoned by the warrior mentality. The behavior leads to toxic behaviors toward those around the male, but also to self. This aggression can turn inwards and lead to self-destructive behaviors, addictions, or suicidal ideation. If that’s not toxic, I don’t know what is.

Is masculinity the root cause?
Masculinity is a socio-cultural construct. We make it up as we go along. It should be flexible and bend to the times or the greater need, but in our culture, it is rigid and inflexible. As a result, our definitions of male behavior are archaic and need to be updated. One suggestion is that we might consider a less gender-rigid model and move towards a more androgynous human model, where traditional feminine characteristics are allowed to blossom within the male psyche and vice versa.

Perhaps, we should make masculine norms sublimate to human criteria, where emotions and emotional expression are encouraged and modeled for our young boys and men. But, again, is this a place where HSP men can lead? Are we closer to our emotional source and express ourselves more freely with our emotions because we are wired by nature to do so? The urge to be more emotional overrides the cultural expectations of suppression, something at times even HSPs struggle with.
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Lack of emotion is not healthy. Studies support this, and the alternatives men employ to cope with emotional distress ultimately lead to bad behaviors that fuel toxic masculinity.
We must liberate our men by freeing their emotions, not suppressing them. Teaching how to regulate emotion, especially intense feeling, is necessary. Male normative alexithymia is not good for any male. Instead, teaching men to express healthy emotion – focusing on the emotion that gives light to life and showing them how to deal with negative emotions, such as shame, guilt, anger, and aggressiveness. This is the call to redefine what masculine means – the call to return to our humanity.
 

1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexithymia
2. https://www.tandfonline.com/eprint/6RW4SSAZ9RWHREN4I4QQ/full?target=10.1080/00223980.2021.197759814
3. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intersection-mental-health-relationships-and-sexuality-in-the-modern-world/202112/why-men
4. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/270940925_Alexithymia_in_Men_How_and_When_Do_Emotional_Processing_Deficiencies_Occur
5. https://www.apa.org/monitor/dec01/mummies
6. https://www.tandfonline.com/eprint/6RW4SSAZ9RWHREN4I4QQ/full