The Sensitive Man - The Dark Trap of Insecurity

A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
 

Charlie: I know who you are, Sam. I know I'm quiet... and, and I know I should speak more. But if you knew the things that were in my head most of the time, you'd know what it really meant. How, how much we're alike, and how we've been through the same things... and you're not small. You're beautiful.
  From: The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

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Does high sensitivity produce high insecurity in HSP males? With all that extra processing power, the more intense the emoting, the greater likelihood of high level meltdowns, and when faced with the outside world’s response or pressures, wouldn’t it make sense that with a feedback loop  like that, that insecurity would flourish?

Are highly sensitive males more likely to be insecure than the larger non-HSP male population? The elements of being an HSP-- high sensitivity, deep mental processing, overwhelm and emotional reactivity might seem on the surface to contribute to insecurity, especially in HSP boys.  Overstimulation, overthinking, presenting emotionally as less than the ideal masculine in dealing with emotions  does not inherently lead to feelings of insecurity and lack of self-esteem. It seems other factors are more important than simply how we process emotions.

Environment plays a greater role in providing the feedback necessary from parents and friends that would reinforce feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem. In other words, there is no genetic predisposition for insecurity. Insecurity is learned. If there is a tendency towards insecurity in HSP males, then that is a product of nurture and not nature. Studies suggest that when HSPs are raised in  nurturing homes with understanding and supportive parents – they thrive. Conversely, as you might expect, in opposite conditions, they respond more negatively than less sensitive kids.

Where, then, does insecurity come from? There is a multitude of sources from which the seeds of insecurity are sown. As stated earlier, parental figures play an enormous shaping role in developing a child’s self-concept. Disapproving authority figures, uninvolved and disinterested caregivers, bullying parents all send the wrong types of messages to sensitive young minds.  Without the benefit of adult size mental filters, kids naturally process this feedback as is and take the negative message to heart.  When later in life,  academic, athletic or  more serious traumatic events present themselves as challenges, rigid beliefs from childhood, which have never been challenged become set. The insecure child becomes an insecure adult. Social media serves to confirm these beliefs: “I am not worthy.”

Does this become a lifelong affliction? Like cement, once set, does it become immutable? The impacts are quite clear. Low self-esteem, insecurity, and low confidence affect every aspect of life.  From career choices to mate selection, academics, sports, sex performance, income potential , you name it, they all are impacted.  And for men,the question of how you are viewed as a man.

The self-comparison game starts early, and so begins the insecurity.  Current examples, have to include social media, where comparisons run rampant, and the unreality of reality weighs in for review. Everyone is doing better than the insecure eye would see. Filter this through the HSP lens, and you see amplification through greater self-talk, constant comparison processing, overreaching emotionally, and stoking the fires that will one day consume the fragile ego.

What can we surmise that the arc of this behavior will lead to? Is it a dark trap? Do insecure people self-sabotage to minimalize overstimulating experiences? Does this ultimately lead to withdrawal, overcompensation and self-loathing? At what point do insecure men believe there is a point of no return?Then,  using insecurity as a crutch, they elicit sympathy from everyone that will listen.

People who lack self-confidence, learn early to seek approval externally. They moderate and lower positive expectations and naturally deflect compliments. Yet, somehow lack of self-confidence is not all pervasive in an individual’s personality, although it may seem that way.  It’s not dependent on actual abilities, but the focus is rather on unrealistic expectations set by parents and authority figures transferred as beliefs in the individual.

Many assumptions that the insecure individual possess are: 1) that they must be loved and approved by every important person in their lives, 2) be thoroughly competent and high achieving in all aspects of their lives, and 3) their focus is always on past performance, not present or future potentials. Their thoughts are permeated with all or nothing thinking, often seeing the dark side of situations, magnifying the negative. Further,  with their uncritical acceptance of runaway emotions as truth, overemphasizing “shoulds,” self-labeling, and seeing challenges through the prevailing belief of inadequacy and incompetence, they perpetuate their own self-myth.

Is it any wonder that emotional insecurity ensues.  That feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by external factors, resulting in feelings of not being worthy of love, an inadequate and worthless human being.

It’s a slippery slope from childhood to manhood, an upward climb with unsteady footing for those unsure of themselves.  When you’re not getting the feedback you deserve, you need, you crave the impacts are real. It’s all learned and the process, I dare say, intensifies when you are an HSP. Everything gets amplified, the internal voices are louder, the uncorrected logic, fueled by emotion, cuts a broader, wider path in your self-esteem.  Who knows how prevalent it is in HSMs? We don’t all have parents that get us. How many fathers’ likely see beyond their own expectations and see their sons as the budding man, still malleable, like fresh, soft clay ready to be molded into it’s strongest, best form.

How do we prevent this from developing in our HSP boys? How do we gently bring them along, not making them dependent, yet lighting that flame of courage, independence, and self-love that will empower them throughout their lives? We, as parents, need to give the positive spin on HSP characteristics and yet instill confidence in them as people, as men, even being different men that are sometimes swimming against the cultural tide.

We need to show what a healthy, masculine role model would be like. Help them to be confident in their inherent qualities. Help them become emotionally strong men, teaching them to express the full range of human emotion. Teach them to avoid the dark trap of insecurity. Teach them confidence and self-assurance, sans the arrogance, overconfidence, and bravado of small minded men. That confidence will allow the HSP traits to grow and flourish without heavy internal conflicts. Healthier boys, make healthier men.

Here are six things that will help our HSP boys:

1. Help them understand their nature. Educate them about the Sensory Processing Sensitivity trait they possess. Show them how unique and special they are.
2. Stop comparing them to non-HSP boys and men. Eliminate that game early on. The idea is not to isolate them, but rather to integrate them without losing themselves in the process.
3. Give them tasks where they can gain confidence in their abilities. Challenge and encourage. Growth comes from pushing outward on the comfort zone. 
4. Help them learn to push the envelope a bit, gently getting them to expand their horizons. Nothing builds confidence more than experience. Nothing adds experience like challenges.
5. Show them support when they falter, don’t let them wallow in self-pity or loathing.
6. Teach them to respect themselves and others.

 
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Aibileen Clark: You is kind. You is smart. You is important.
 From: The Help.
 
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References:

1. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201111/high-sensitivity-low-self-esteem
2. http://psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Emotional_security
3. http://psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Self_confidence
4. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201312/10-sources-low-self-esteem
5. http://psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Unconscious_mind
6. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understand-other-people/201504/the-epidemic-insecurity
7. http://www.drtedzeff.com/news/creating-a-new-generation-of-compassionate-and-sensitive-men.php