The Sensitive Man - When the Primal Objective Goes Awry

A Blog about Sensory Processing Sensitivity from the Worldview of a High Sensing Male
 
Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.
From When Harry Met Sally
 
Years ago, when I was working in corporate America, several of my friends and I would talk at lunch about the Primal Objective for men. We were all married or partnered at the time and being men sat around the table reminiscing about the days when the Primal Objective was our primary objective. The Primal Objective, of course,  is the drive to reproduce and frankly is probably one of the primary drivers in life.

For men, the Primal Objective is to mate with  as many willing females as is possible. Men do the majority of the pursuing of females in order to satisfy this drive.  It is, in fact, a primary driver in much of male behavior. Everything from improving social standing, increasing income, physical and mental health, accumulating wealth, grooming, etc., have at their roots  the Primal Objective. The more desirable a mate to females, the likelier the female will select the man. As primitive as this is, this is how nature intended. It reminds me of a quote, I think, from Rupert Sheldrake that said that the human being is the delivery mechanism for DNA. The sum total of what we do is to spread our genetic information. Hence, the gene is responsible for the Primal Objective.

For women, the Primal Objective is the selection of the best possible mate within a group of suitors. Individual preferences, notwithstanding, females select for the ability to aid in the raising of the young and provide assistance in raising said offspring. Now, this may sound primitive, and a bit old fashioned or may not account for modern cultural norms, but at the impulse/drive level this pretty much sums up how it all works.

This model does not put the female in a secondary position. As has always been the case, ideally, all mating behavior stems from female choice.  Women choose who they mate with,  men compete for selection – and the species continues. By this reckoning, women should own the process.

Men and women have different Primal Objectives, yet both supposedly produce the desired, mutually beneficial  outcome. The drive for men to mate with as many partners as possible is so, because of the lack of risk and commitment men have to make in reproduction. In an elemental way, they are free to pursue as many mates as they desire.

Yet, somehow, humans have evolved into fairly monogamous creatures – creating pair bonds to ensure success in progeny growth and development. It has worked fairly well for millennia. Not dependent on a single alpha male, lower ranging males can compete with alphas by offering services to the females in exchange for mating preference and loyalty.  It all is this complex dance, filled with synchronicity, love, wine, and roses.

All this has led through the ages to the current system of mating we experience now. But, the fundamentals remain.

All would seem fine except for the fact that this system can go dark. Increasingly we see the exposure of the Primal Objective, especially in men, go uncontrolled and become runaway and harmful. The consequences are a barrage of negative primal urges that create acts of rape, harassment, verbal and physical assault, incest, slavery, and misogyny.

What happens when the Primal Objective goes awry? Unchecked it leads to enormous psychological and physical damage which perpetuates intergenerationally. Although women and girls are not the only victims – they are by far the largest target group.

We live in a culture where toxic masculinity has objectified women to justify the allowance of a runaway male Primal Objective culture. In the natural order, men compete for female selection, but in this corruption of that model, women are selected by the men in a role reversal and very often against their will and suffer the abuse of a natural system gone wrong. The Primal Objective for men was never about making the selection, but rather being selected. It is about asking, not taking. Today this perversion of that process is rampant.

A male movement needs to begin that join forces with groups like #Metoo to educate and train men on how to control runaway Primal Objective urges. All men are affected when this dark side arises – regardless of whether these urges are acted upon or not. Many men today are afraid that past transgressions will be exposed and are tentative about participating or embracing such a movement for fear exposure from a long ago past will create a volatile environment for their current lives. What is needed is a safe space for men to seek forgiveness and to heal their own wounds, often inflicted on them by others, but passed on in a cyclical nature.

Understand that this does not give an excuse for such behavior whether it may seem  innocent to some as playfulness or harmless, it often carries serious repercussions to the victims. What is needed is a greater awareness among men and empathy and understanding towards the plight that women share. Men need to learn to respect women and refamiliarize themselves with the way the selection process works. The focus should not be about shaming men for the urges, but rather to teach an appreciation and to understand the larger reproductive cycle, where the ultimate power/choice is with the female. Breaking away from the natural order has dire consequences. We are leaving psychological, physical and spiritual scars on our women that create an environment of mistrust, pain, and injury that affects generations. It not only affects the innocent victims but the innocent people that love them, too.

How could HSMs help? HSP males would make excellent leaders and inspirational models for other men in many ways.  Our natural empathy and ability to process emotions would help us to reach men and show by example how to express feelings out in the open. Part of the problem is the inability to talk about the uncontrollable urges or the control issues, many men have. This is not to say that all men are guilty of this behavior or that all HSP males are innocent of wrongdoing. Yet, an element of the male community needs to step forward to ally with women to stop these transgressions. HSMs would be good candidates because we need to lead the effort to combat toxic masculine destructiveness, not only for our sake but for the sake of all men and boys.

It’s important that men get involved with the #Metoo movement. Women need our support. We need to quit blaming the victims, offer assurances that they can speak freely, create an environment where crimes can be adjudicated, and preventative measures can be put into place. We need to focus on awareness and empathy, develop proactive laws to protect and prevent abuse, educate about harassment in schools and at work and be aggressive with law enforcement on sex trafficking,  rape, and incest.
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In the end, understand our primal drives are necessary but need to be moderated in order to have a safe and understanding environment where the Primal Objective and modern romance can follow the natural order.
 
Sally Albright: Amanda mentioned you had a dark side.
Harry Burns: That's what drew her to me.
Sally Albright: Your dark side?
Harry Burns: Sure. Why? Don't you have a dark side? I know, you're probably one of those cheerful people who dot their "i's" with little hearts.
Sally Albright: I have just as much of a dark side as the next person.
Harry Burns: Oh, really? When I buy a new book, I read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side.
 
From When Harry Met Sally
 
 
References:

1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_mating_strategies
2. http://www.personalityresearch.org/papers/denisiuk.html
3. http://thematinggrounds.com/how-mating-works/
4. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Me_Too_movement
5. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201412/just-how-dark-is-your-dark-side